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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Can I get pregnant if he puts it in my ear? (Part 5)

When I am sad, a good laugh is the best medicine.  So... how about some more of "Can I get pregnant if he puts it in my ear?"







These are all questions about trying to conceive posted in the last 2-3 days.  I didn't change anything that would insult the integrity of their questions.

Can i use a used condon to get pregnant?
Like take a childrends medice needle shaped
Measuring thing and suck the seman out and place it in my vagina my man doesnt want babyies but he will think the condom leakes lmao , trying lets see if it works
Nice.  I think what I find to be the worst part of this is that she actually uses "lmao" as she is talking about sperm jacking her boyfriend.

Is it possible 2 get pregnt 3 days b4 ur period, can't see my period nd he ejected while cumin, it was our 1st?
Have I ever told you about how much I love cumin?  I put it in my chili and sometimes in a cheeseburger macaroni recipe.  So good!

Does sperm have to be mature to provoque pregenacy?
Na na na na naaaa na.  C'meere little eggie so I can getcha! 

How to get pregnant...?
ive been trying, no luck. took an ovulation test online, says im supposed to be ovulating, but the physical ovulation test says im not. what can i do, since just trying doesnt seem to be working.
I really hope that she didn't pee on her laptop!

Can sperm freeze? Will the sprem-ilites still be alive?
I've been trying to freeze my seamen in order to sale it, due to the fact that I produce massive amounts of excesses sperm and I'm not married and I was thinking I could preserve it by freezing it. Will it still be good seamen? Can it still be used to create a fetus.
I have visions of this guy having a chest freezer full of semen and I am dry heaving. 

Is there any woman out there ttc trying to get pregnant with no luck?
That was it.  The whole question.  Ha Ha Ha!  Has she ever been online? 

Now check out part 1, 2 , 3 , 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8
Monday, February 27, 2012

Healing

I don't know why this has gone so smoothly.  Can I blame it on being well practiced at grief?  I have been down this road so many times, I know where to stop and eat, which rest stops have the cleanest bathrooms, and I know which exits have a Starbucks. 

When I went to the doctor on Friday morning and he attempted to give us a grain of hope, I had to give him the look.  He knew what I meant.  He asked me with a coy raised eyebrow, "How are you so sure this is over?" 

"Maybe because I have done this exact thing 6 times before?!"

He nodded and said to us, "This sucks." 

Yes.  It does suck.  But I am healing.  Feeling better and better each day.  Less tears than the day before and even fewer tomorrow, I'm sure. 

I have poured myself into 2 things starting on Saturday.  The first is that I am going to take advantage of this opportunity to lose some weight.  I was doing really well right after Joey was born.  I was feeling good, getting more tone, and starting to be a little proud of my figure re-emerging from the baby fat.  Then when a few months of TTC turned into 20, I lost my enthusiasm for fitness and reconnected with my first loves, Ben and Jerry.  Since God decided that I wasn't going to be pregnant anymore, I have to turn this into a positive.  I am going to lose as much weight as I can before getting pregnant again.  I am not going to put TTC on hold, but I will be sweating like a pig until I'm pregnant again.  I have done 3 days in a row of 30 minutes on the elliptical machine.  I must say, I feel good!

The other think I have been doing to help me heal is that I have poured myself completely into getting to the bottom of this recurrent miscarriage crap.  This isn't normal.  Normal people don't have 7 miscarriages in a matter of 4 years with a full term pregnancy as part of those 4 years.  I don't mean this in a self accusing way but there simply must be something wrong with me.  Something has to be wrong.  I know that my OB and RE did all of the testing and most everything came back normal.  The things that came back as borderline didn't respond to the treatment that should have taken care of it.  It must be something else...

I have been reading and researching immunological causes for recurrent miscarriages.  I was ignored when I mentioned this during my first "batch" of losses but I am going to force my doctor to listen to me.  At least 3 of my losses I experienced a low grade fever during the "two week wait."  Taking my most recent pregnancy, right around the time of implantation, my temperature went up to 99 degrees for a full 24 hours.  I can't help but think that my body doesn't recognize a fertilized egg and fights it like a disease.  In the previous instances of this happening the pregnancy ended very early, like after only a few days of a positive test.  I think that maybe my taking the Welcome Womb may have allowed the baby to continue to fight back for a while but it wasn't enough to win the battle.  Completely all my theory, but if something like this is the case then there IS treatments available! 

I am ready to try again, but on the flip side, I am not sure I can handle more losses.  I have to get healthy again and get to the bottom of things.  The good news, it is really helping me forge ahead and have a positive view of the future! 
Sunday, February 26, 2012

Using the Detect5: A blessing for the early days of pregnancy!

As a girl with a long history of miscarriages, there is nothing better than being able to know that a pregnancy is heading in the right direction without leaving the comfort of my home.  This is especially the case in those first weeks before anything can be seen on an ultrasound.  Since I knew that hCG needs to double every 2-3 days I was able to monitor my hCG levels even after my doctor stopped following me with blood draws.

My first blood draw was 53.8 so two days later I knew that it should have been at about the 100 level so I used a Detect5 to see if that was in fact the case. 

What a relief!  The next morning my blood levels were 157!  Then just as a girl with a history of losses tends to do, I was over analyzing those two numbers.  Were they good enough.  They were normal but was it high enough?  What better way to confirm that things were fine?  A few days later, I used another Detect5!

Whoohoo!  My hCG was at least 500 so it was still doubling right on schedule!  It really put my mind at ease for another couple of days.

Being able to monitor those levels really helped me remain calm and reassured me that things were headed in the right direction.

Unfortunately, just having a pregnancy start out really well doesn't mean that it always ends with a baby.  After an abrupt loss of symptoms, spotting, and cramping, it was confirmed on Friday that I did miscarry.  Even so, I was happy to have a way to give me peace of mind in those early days.  I will absolutely use more of these tests with my next pregnancy!  I pray that next time, I get to see the lines all the way at 10,000 show up!
Friday, February 24, 2012

No Miracle Today

Gavin's church based preschool has been learning about the miracles.  He can name each that they have covered thus far.  He will tell me that Jesus turned water into wine.  He made the paralyzed man walk.  He fed 5000 people with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread.  He calmed the storm.  Tuesday he learned about how he healed the blind man and gave him sight. 

Yesterday after the bleeding had started, I was trying to remain calm but not doing a very good job.  Doug came home from work to support me.  My parents came over and offered to pick up Gavin from preschool.  While it was nice of them to offer, my heart needed that time with Gavin.  It is a short drive but his sweet voice (that sometimes never lets me get a word in) was what I needed to help me feel better.  So I left Joey with my mom and picked up Gavin. 

I walked with him back to the truck and as per my usual I asked him about his day.  He usually tells me about what he had for snack, who was sick today, or who got in trouble.  Yesterday his response brought me to tears.  He said, "No miracle today, Mommy."

Even while I wanted to be the exception to the rule with the cramping, bleeding, and loss of symptoms, I knew I wouldn't be.  No miracle today. 

I went to get an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy.  My levels are now 53.  While devastated that this pregnancy is surly over, I am happy that I will be able to be able to drink an ice cold beer tonight. 

I really can't put into words how much your support, comments and prayers mean to me.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

Mmm... beer. 
Thursday, February 23, 2012

24 Hours Later

Yesterday I used my last First Response test in the house.  I have always given myself permission to feel a little more confident after the test line gets darker than the control.  As I watched this very thing happen yesterday I was slowly converting my ifs to whens.  I allowed myself to take a deep breath and embrace that I was going to have a baby in October.
yesterday afternoon's test

Today, started like any normal day.  Gavin climbed into our bed and wanted to watch an episode of Little Einsteins on Disney Junior.  I turned on the TV, covered him up, and decided to take advantage of Joey sleeping in a bit to steal a quick shower.  I even took 5 minutes to shave my legs.  We ate breakfast and started getting ready to get Gavin off to preschool.  I made a quick trip to the bathroom after getting dressed, wiped, and had no other word than "shit!"  Staring back at me on that toilet paper was blood.  Not a lot but for me, bleeding during early pregnancy has never ended good.

As I drove Gavin to school I noticed that I was feeling really crampy.  I have had some mild cramping since before my positive test but this is different.  I feel like Aunt Flo is about to come bursting through my front at any second.  The bleeding hasn't stopped.  The cramps are getting worse.  I know where this is heading.
Today's test.  It has dried a bit darker but still not as dark as yesterday's.

I am going to get blood work done in the morning and an ultrasound if the bleeding increases.

I know that I need to pray for God's will.  I know that no matter how this story ends, it is for a good reason.  It may make no sense to me now or ever, but somewhere in this universe my experience today is necessary in order to execute God's perfect plan. 

I am feeling pretty low with intermittent moments of fleeting hope.  I know it isn't over yet.  I know there is a small chance that I get to be a success story where spotting/bleeding turns out to be nothing at all.  My heart is telling me otherwise.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Teeny Bit Excited


I think it is safe to say that I'm pregnant.  A very cautious whoohoo! I will have my first ultrasound on March 6th and will be using a few of the Detect5 tests between now and then to make sure my hCG is still rising appropriately.  I'm starting to get a teeny bit excited!
Monday, February 20, 2012

OvaCue Fertility Monitor with Vaginal Sensor

I was so excited to have the opportunity to use and review the OvaCue Fertility Monitor with Vaginal Sensor!  I was sad when I started my period last month but it was quickly washed away with the realization that I was going to get to use a new toy.  When it arrived I was giddy like a school girl!

When I opened it up I began reading the booklet and was disappointed to see that I was already too late in my cycle to start using it so I packed it away and figured that I would get to use it next cycle.  But then... after 20 long cycles and using the supplements that I started right away, I finally was blessed with good news.  Don't get me wrong, I am over the moon about the pregnancy, but had a twinge on sadness that I wasn't going to use this awesome tool! 

The OvaCue monitor is a perfect solution to those who have sleep issues ranging from mouth breathing (rendering oral temps erratic at best), interrupted sleep whether due to young children, snoring husbands, or impromptu potty breaks, or even those that work midnights!  It is great for women with PCOS and/or irregular cycles too! 

The monitor works by measuring electrolytes in your saliva.  All you need to do is place a sensor in your mouth and it will tell you when you are going to ovulate 5-7 days in advance!  That is fantastic for when timing things is a bit more complicated by work schedules, older children, or when the in-laws might want to invite themselves over for a weekend visit.

The vaginal sensor is used daily to monitor hormone levels and can tell you when you have already ovulated.   For those who are already charting probably know how waiting to get those three temperatures above coverline seems like an eternity especially if your coverline isn't really clear.  You might be ready for a break from the baby dancing but don't want to find out three days later that you totally missed optimal opportunities.  The vaginal sensor can measure when your progesterone level has risen indicating ovulation.  Seriously?  How cool is that!?  It is worthy of note that if you are not ovulating, the monitor will not tell you are fertile like many other fertility calendars would suggest.


The handheld Ovacue monitor has a color display that will show your calendar and fertile times.  If you are like me and want to have access to your chart and fertility information easily, there is a free online charting program that works hand in hand with the Ovacue monitor.  It is user friendly and has a community of women that can help when or if you need guidance. 

So while I didn't have the opportunity to use the monitor, I do think it would be a wonderful asset to any couple who is trying to conceive and wants to make the best use of each cycle.  If you would like to read more about the monitor, this site has a video demo and several pages of thorough articles explaining anything you want to know. 

Good luck to everyone still waiting for their miracles! 



Sunday, February 19, 2012

Infertility Shoes

I posted this on my facebook page but I think this video deserves a post all its own! 



Saturday, February 18, 2012

A Walmart Epiphany

I am feeling pretty good about things in general except for when I have my quick freak outs.  From about 4 days before I got my positive pregnancy test I had pretty constant cramping and my breasts were really sore.  I wasn't really able to not notice how sore and different I was feeling.  Several times over the past week I have had to mind wrestle myself into feeling my symptoms again.  I don't know if it is just my body adjusting to the hormones or if I am less obsessed with every little thing.  I am also dealing with a horrible cough and sore throat that seems to be monopolizing all of my attention.

After clearing it with the nurse at the RE's office I decided that I was going to take something to treat my cold.  I was on a solo mission to Walmart to get some Tylenol Cold and then something warm and decaf from Starbucks to try and soothe my scratchy throat.  While I was scouring the shelves at Walmart for Tylenol products, there was one other person in the same isle.  At first we both seemed to be hovering around the same shelves so I did the polite thing of bypassing the area with the intent of coming back in a minute.  Then on my return trip to the cold and flu section, he was meandering past again.  This time we exchanged awkward glances as we both tried to figure out where the other one was trying to get to.  Finally I decided that it was time to plant myself in the middle of the isle and just find the Tylenol Cold.  After about a minute and a half I finally found what I was looking for and was ready to head to the food side of the store to pick out something for lunch.  When I looked up from the shelf, that same poor man was on his 3rd lap of searching. 

I said, "It looks like we are both having a hard time finding what we are looking for." with a smile.

"I asked the lady and she said the second isle over, on the bottom." he responded looking exasperated and slightly annoyed.  He was holding onto an empty bottle of what appeared to be rubbing alcohol so I asked him if that was what he was looking for.

He responded, "Yeah.  Maybe it is down here.... Eh.  It wouldn't be with the eye stuff.  It is alcohol.  That would burn!" he grumbled.

I decided that I wasn't going to walk away until that man found that rubbing alcohol.  So I turned down the next isle where the first aid stuff was.  There it was on the bottom shelf so I went back and told the man where it was.  As I explained to him where it was and led him there, there was another young lady also offering to help.

Not exactly Earth shattering when it comes to experiences, but I had a moment of realization.  I need to spend less time wrapped up in myself and spend more time looking out for other people.  It is so easy walk around with my mind clouded by my fears, my symptoms, and my day to day issues when my focus should really be less about me and more about seeking out people who need help.  Isn't that what God would want me to do?  Just think what this world would be like if everyone started really trying to help out others instead of walking around like their world is the only one that exists.

From now on, when I am out in public, I am going to make a point to look for people who need help. Who knows?  They just might be having a conversation with God at that moment and asking for someone to help them.  I would love to be able to be that person God sends. 


Friday, February 17, 2012

Giveaway: Pee On a Stick or Tea in a Cup

I enjoy hosting a good giveaway!  It feels like it has been a while since I did a basic, simple, easy to enter giveaway so here we go!!

There will be 5 winners!  







First Prize is winners choice of either 100 Wondfo Pregnancy Tests or a $100 gift card to Chapter One Herbs

Second Prize is winners choice of either 50 Wondfo Pregnancy Tests or a $50 gift card to Chapter One Herbs

Third and Fourth Prize is winners choice of 25 Wondfo Pregnancy Tests or a $25 gift card to Chapter One Herbs

Fifth Prize is winners choice  of 10 Wondfo Pregnancy Tests or a $10 gift card to Chapter One Herbs

*The Chapter One Herbs gift card is good on any item(s) in the store not just tea! 

All you have to do is join us at www.ttccommunity.com and come back and put your user name in the raffle copter!  There are extra entries for sharing and tweeting about the giveaway but this is not mandatory.  The giveaway is open world wide so share with all of your friends!  Please note that ttccommunity is not just for those who are trying to conceive.  It is an ideal place for everyone no matter where you are on your journey with starting or growing your family!   Good luck!




Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Secret to my Success

What makes a woman who has been trying for 20 cycles finally get pregnant?  Who knows.  I hadn't spent much time using supplements, but when I had the opportunity to try some new things this cycle, I was all for it!

I had been having trouble the last several cycles with not having very good... ahem... CM at the right times.  If you aren't familiar with the abbreviation CM, it stands for cervical mu...mu.... muc...us.  While hard for me to say even in my head, it is something that women need in order to be fertile.  It gives the sperm a good medium and food source to hang out in until the egg pops out.  So, I decided it was a good time to use FertileCM, a supplement available at Fairhaven Health.

I took the supplement 3 times a day, as suggested and drank the recommended amount of water as well.  I could tell fairly quickly that it did seem to improve the quality and amount of CM I was producing!

Also, this cycle, Doug started taking FertilAid for Men 3 times a day.  The most noteworthy effect it seem to have was it seems to have increase his libido.  Several months ago he did have a semen analysis and his numbers were good, but it is possible that this supplement is what helped his swimmers meet my egg! 

Then, just because I had heard so much about people having success with using it, I finally decided it was time to try pre-seed.  It was actually not nearly as awkward or uncomfortable as I had imagined it would be.  I simply applied it prior to the night's events and viola!

So, do I know if one or all of these supplements were what did the trick?  No.  Will I recommend them to anyone who is having difficulty conceiving?  Without a doubt!

If you have any questions or want more detail about the supplements, my experience using them, etc. Please feel free to drop me a line or find me at my online group at ttccommunity.com by clicking HERE.

Disclaimer- I was provided the supplements at no cost, but this did, in no way, sway or change my opinion.  All comments and thoughts are my own! Also, I am not a doctor even if I would look really cute in a white coat.  I cannot give medical advice and you should consult with your doctor regarding any concerns or questions regarding supplements. 



Tuesday, February 14, 2012

One Beta. One Birthday

Today I went for my first beta hCG blood test and then had a yearly physical with my general practitioner in the same building.  My blood test at the RE's office took no more than 2 minutes from the time I walked in to the time I walked out.  Then after a short flight of stairs I went to my GP's office.  She is a quirky lady who has a heart of gold but she has a couple of theories.  The first is that I can only have boys.  She has no evidence of this, but she just has this intuition about me.  Her second theory is that the baby looks like which ever parent put in more "effort" in the act of baby making.  Based on this, I am slacking in this department. 

After a quick chat she took my vitals and then, as she finished taking my blood pressure she quite literally grabbed a roll of my stunning belly fat and said, "You should have lost this before you got pregnant."  Thanks for pointing that out, Doc. 

Then after picking up Gavin from preschool, treating him to a birthday lunch from McDonalds, we headed home. 

After lunch I put Joey down for his nap and then my phone rang.  They were already calling me with the results from my blood test!  The kindest nurse I have ever known told me that my hCG was 53.8.  At first I was disappointed.  I don't know why, but I had it in my head that I would have been in the 100s.  I am only 14 days past ovulation but was hoping to have a nice high and reassuring number.  Then, I decided to compare to my levels from when I was pregnant with Joey.  I kid you not, they are still written on a dry erase board that hangs on the side of my refrigerator.  I have them recorded other places but I have never been able to bring myself to erase them. 

With Joey on 14 DPO my hCG was a whopping 24.5!  So now I am feeling better about my 53.8!  Also, I plugged it into this beta calculator and saw that it is actually a little above average.  So, I will go back on Friday for another draw and that is when the real obsessing can begin. 

In the mean time, Happy Valentines Day to you all! 

And a very very Happy Birthday to my favorite 4 year old Valentine! 
Gavin having a picnic on the kitchen floor
Monday, February 13, 2012

Cautiously Hopeful

When most people get good news they celebrate.  I can't get myself to celebrate quite yet although I am feeling more hopeful than I have in the past.  I am envious of those who get to shout it from the rooftops and start planning.  I feel like I have to stay focused on today.  I should admit that I have let my mind wander and think momentarily about maternity swimwear *shudder* and harvesting food from the garden and canning with either a 9 month belly or a newborn and two rambunctious boys.  Then, I quickly snap back to today.  Just today.  I am pregnant today.

I will go tomorrow for a blood draw to see where my levels are and then go for a repeat on Thursday.  In the meantime, I have been using pregnancy tests to monitor how things are progressing.  On Saturday night, part of our date night festivities was buying some tests since we were at WalMart to buy some birthday presents for Gavin anyway!  So when I turned the corner to the pregnancy test, ovulation test, and other girlie things, isle I was in shock and awe when there were no First Response tests.  None.  Not a single box!  Is this some sort of pregnancy test Armageddon?  We left Walmart sans tests so we made a stop at our local grocery store.  I ran in, grabbed two boxes of tests (6 tests in all) and stepped into line.  When I put the boxed on the conveyor belt I couldn't help but watch the eyes of the maybe 19 year old cashier.  She smiled politely and if there was a thought bubble, it would have said, "Who in the world needs to know 6 times if they are pregnant or not?!"  I quickly took the bag from the 19 year old guy who had a similar thought I am sure, and was on my merry way.

So starting Sunday morning, the testing festivities have begun.  I will come back and update this post whenever I have a new test pic to add.  So, for your (my) obsessing and enjoyment, here are my First Response test progression thus far. 
11 DPO
12 DPO
13 DPO
14 DPO -beta hCG 53.8
17 DPO- beta hCG 157






And for those who like to see the cheapies:
17 DPO beta hCG 157

So far so good.  I started the Welcome Womb on 8 DPO just because so many things felt different.  I am taking 3 droppersful 2 times a day.  I have been putting it in a small amount of water and shooting it like whiskey.  Then, without breathing, I drink something else.  It can be water or juice and as long as I don't take a breath between drinks, I only taste the second drink.  This morning I tried it with coffee.  Not recommended since sipping a chaser isn't as effective.  Who knew my days at the bars would pay off when it came to pregnancy.  Please keep the prayers coming!
Saturday, February 11, 2012

Please Pray


Now what?  Don't get me wrong, I am excited!  But I feel like I should be doing something.  Yesterday I spent my whole day hunched over pee sticks trying to catch them in the right light.  Today, it is there.  It is there, right?  I know it isn't dark, but it is a start.  I will probably take a test everyday for a while so I can see lines get darker.  Hopefully!

I haven't been in this position in so long I don't know how to react.  I don't have the immediate joy and excitement that first time moms get.  I am hopeful.  I am happy.  I am scared though too. 

Doug reminded me this morning that this baby isn't ours.  This baby belongs to God and that He will do with it as He wills.  I am thankful that today I get to carry this child.  I hope that tomorrow I get to carry it still, and that there are many more tomorrows after that. 

I am so thankful for all of your support and prayers and would appreciate if you would continue.  You know how people say that there is light at the end of the tunnel?   I feel like I have been waiting in a very long line to start  my way through that tunnel in hopes of seeing the light at the end of it.  Your prayers and support will help to light the way. 
Thank you so very much! 
Friday, February 10, 2012

The First Step is Admitting It.

I love a good old fashioned pee stick festival.  I really do!  Some people drink.  Some people smoke.  I pee on things.  I crave it all cycle and then, like most addictions, I reach a point where I realize that I am powerless over my addiction.  Today is that day.  It isn't fun anymore.  I just do it because I have to. 

I took a test yesterday.  Negative.


I took a test last night.  Something???  Maybe??? 

But something doesn't look right.  The line isn't in the right spot.  All that does is encourage me to use two more tests to see what, if anything, that test means.  

It means that it was a faulty test.  Totally negative.

This morning I test again.  It looks negative.  Then about 10 minutes later, I see something.  Don't I?  The more time that passes the more I see that... dare I call it a line?  


Too much time has passed.  It can't be valid.

I am easily coerced into using a First Response test by the lovely Jayme at ttccommunity with using just two words, "FRER time?"

Nothing.  I dip a cheap one too... just because...

Another stupid, shows up too late, dare I call it a line?

I want to scream but that won't make me feel any less crazy.  Maybe, I will feel more crazy if I let it show how completely messed up my brain is right now. Plus those that are chart stalking or are familiar with charting, my nice jaw dropping temp jump must have been a bit of a fever or something because I am right back down.  I am above coverline but no longer the exciting nail biting promising chart it once was.  Let's have a moment of silence for my once awe inspiring chart...

I will continue the madness.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  But see, eventually I will get different result!  I am just hoping that it is this cycle.  I mean these symptoms can't be phantom symptoms!  If they are, my body must be really trying to teach me a lesson.  I haven't had this much breast tenderness since before I conceived Gavin.  I don't usually get cramps more than a day or two at the most before my period.  I have had constant cramping now for almost 4 days.  Maybe tomorrow...  Off I go to Google to see what I can find to reassure me that there is still hope. 
Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Which Way?

I am in my 20th cycle of trying to conceive my 3rd child.  You know, when I first started trying this time around, if you would have told me that I wouldn't be sporting a big round baby bump by now I would have laughed at you. 


We tried 3 rounds of clomid with a trigger.  Nothing good came of that unless you count a really emotional roller coaster of hope with long lingering HCG and false positives.  I spent way too much time watching people get congratulated over and over again about how there would be no way for a trigger to be showing up 13 days later.  I love being in the 1%... all the time.

So this is our first cycle of going au natural again.  I was pleasantly surprised to see this on day 13.

Now fast forward to yesterday.  I had a little dip in my temperature.  Now, while to many who never charted, I might sound a little crazy, but when I am 7 days past ovulation and my temp does something a little erratic, I can't help but get a little hopeful.  A dip can mean good things if the temp bounces back up.  Last night I was so excited to see if my morning temperature was going to make me smile.  Then, this morning, my temp did more than make me smile.  It made me gasp.  It jumped clear up to 99.0 degrees.  That was almost a whole degree higher than yesterday.  I thought for sure it couldn't be real.  I took my temp again.  99.2  Then again about 30 minutes later.  99.1  Then an hour later.  99.1  Then this afternoon after going shopping, eating lunch, feeling healthy with the exception of a horrible headache.  99.1

I know that it could mean nothing.  I know I could just be getting a touch of something.  But here I am somewhere between..
and

Then just to make matters worse, I have a horrible headache.  I often get headaches when I don't get enough caffeine.  Hello.  My name is Maria and I am a caffeine addict.  But today I have had a cup of coffee and a soda.  I should not be going through withdrawal.  Then this morning, as I wiped my nose, it started gushing blood.  I get it.  It is the middle of winter.  The air is dry.  Nosebleeds aren't unheard of for me.  But why, oh why does it also have to be a potential pregnancy symptom?!  Probably because no matter where I am in my cycle, I can always find this street...


If you want to come and obsess with me, I can be found over at www.ttccommunity.com.  Find me and friend me!  I am Maria! 




Monday, February 6, 2012

Let's Start At The Beginning

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Well... almost the beginning.  I cannot believe it's been almost two weeks since I decided I wanted to chronicle our IVF journey as we go through it - and yet I've written nothing!  A lot of the "writer's block" I've been experiencing with this is where do you start the journey?  Clearly, most couples who come to the cross roads of IVF don't arrive here over night.  Most often, as is the case for us, the decision to move to InVitro Fertilization (IVF) is preceded by years of previous fertility treatments, procedures, various doctors, trial and error of old wives tales, alternative medicine attempts, and tests... oh the endless tests.  So as tempting as it is, the thought of backing this train up and writing about each stop over the last 3.5 years of trying for our little one is both impossible and so incredibly daunting it makes climbing Mount Everest seem like a more attainable goal for me - I think I'll just rewind to last month when we made the definitive decision to go forward with IVF, with a little cliff notes version of the 3.5 years that we will one day far far in the future, affectionately call "the trying to conceive years".  You can of course read more about our journey over the past few years on the main page of the blog.

On August 16th 2008, with tears of joy in my eyes, I took my best friend as my husband and wanted nothing more than to spend my life with him and one day see our children looking up at him with love and adoration soaking through them.  It was a specific moment on our wedding day that I'll never forget.  I remember looking at him, and thinking... "I can't believe he chose me!",  followed quickly by "He is going to be such an amazing father!"

Little did I know that the point between then and now would be followed by years of infertility, multiple miscarriages, two different Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE) on the East Coast, an MRI, an HSG, countless blood tests and scopes, seeing Naturopathic Doctors, and acupuncturists, a move across the country, meeting with yet another RE, telling the whole story all over again, learning I have endometriosis that had gone undiagnosed for years, another MRI, scheduled for surgery to cure endometriosis, learning that the surgery did not fix the endo, then to the decision to pull out the big guns and go for IVF.

Since moving to British Columbia, we are now with a phenomenal Reproductive Endocrinologist who we love!  The level of care between here and what we received on the east coast is literally worlds apart, and we're both certain we would have had no hopes of having children if we had staid in our previous city, with our previous doctors.  The doctor we are seeing now is rated as one of the top REs in Canada and it certainly shows.  We have made more progress here in B.C. in the last 6 months than we had in the entire 3 years prior.  As he works along side his wife and daughters in his clinic it is clear that family is what drives him to be so dedicated to his work.

On December 8th, 2011 I had a laparoscopy which we had thought would cure the endometriosis, along with a few other issues which have been interfering with our ability to get pregnant and stay pregnant.  Immediately after the surgery, hubby and I were over the moon that the issues which were getting in our way had been resolved and we could finally focus on baby - or so we thought.  The next morning the surgeon gave us the heartbreaking news that I have stage 4 endometriosis and they were unable to treat that level of endo laparoscopically.  With the help of my wonderful husband, I spent the next few weeks trying hard to heal from the physically and emotionally painful surgery.  We were given the choice of opting for another surgery which would have to be done via bikini cut (c-section cut) which may treat the endometriosis which may or may not help us get pregnant and stay pregnant, or bypass the ovaries and endometriosis all together and move forward with IVF - it's own personal rollercoaster within the rollercoaster of infertility.

Obviously, since I'm writing this, after a lot of soul searching, hard decision making, prayers, chatting with our doctors, and long talks with each other, hubby and I have decided to move forward with IVF.  It will be an interesting and rigorous journey I'm sure, with its own ups and downs.  

For the past few years I've been very open, honest and downright public about our infertility journey, both with friends and family as well as on Up, Down & Natural  and Natural Parents Network - but always with a slight look back at how things have gone and what I have learned.  With our IVF journey, I plan to blog and chronicle this process as it happens.  It will be a rigorous journey, undoubtedly with tears, laughs, sighs of hopefulness and lots of baby day dreaming.  My goal is to, through our journey, be able to reach out to couples who are going through any form of Assisted Reproductive Therapy and if possible, break a little of the silence around infertility.  

 As Arpita and her husband enter their fourth year of trying to conceive their first child, she is trying to embrace the lessons the universe still has to teach her.  Arpita wears her heart on her sleeve on her blog, about trying to conceive both naturally as well as with medical help, as she and her husband are currently preparing for their first IVF Cycle.  Arpita writes to shed light on the infertility experience, natural parenting and everything and anything in mommy-world including easy recipes and loads of giveaways.  She blogs at Up, Down & Natural. You can also find her on FacebookTwitter and Pinterest.
Sunday, February 5, 2012

Do you see it?

When I was pregnant with Gavin, I was eager to pick out nursery decor.  I managed to restrain myself until after I learned that he was a boy so that I could choose a gender specific theme.  I had a really hard time choosing but finally decided on a theme that was called "Antique Toys."  It was classic looking and very masculine and I loved it.  There was a quilt, sheets, and crib skirt that had pictures of boats, cars, trucks, planes, footballs, baseballs, mitts, and bats.  I splurged and bought the lamp, laundry hamper, valences and wall art.  I clicked order now and waited for its arrival.

A few days later, I came home to a large package and couldn't wait to tear it open, wash it and start putting the room together!  I took out the bedding and admired my choice.  Then I pulled out the wall art pictures and glanced at each of the three pictures.  Each one was a picture of a thing and the name of the item was written in script font underneath.  There is a car, a plane, and a truck.  So cute right?


Then, I looked a little closer...  

And then closer...

Still don't see what I'm talking about?



Please tell me that I am the only one who doesn't see the word truck!  As if it wasn't bad enough, it looked the exact same on the valences, the lamp, and the hamper.  My first born son's room was decorated in F-bombs.  Still is actually.  I had better take them down before he gets any better at reading. 







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