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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Motherhood after Miscarriages

 Over the past few years of blogging, I have had the opportunity to get to know a number of wonderful ladies.  Megan stands out in the crowd because she has a wonderful way of sharing her belief and faith in Our Creator so eloquently that reading her blog posts always serves as inspiration.  She is human though, and has dealt with the difficult feelings and challenges that present when God takes a much loved and desired baby from us to soon.  In this post, she shares her very candid feelings and experiences with becoming a first time mother after miscarriages.  I also recommend that you check out her blog My Life as a Minister's Wife.  I promise, you will not be disappointed.  I am so blessed that God put her in my path and now, I put her in yours. 

There are some unique feelings that come with having a take home baby after you’ve battled miscarriage. To put it lightly, I wasn’t prepared.

It took my husband and I a little over two years to finally bring home a third Powell. In those two years we had three miscarriages, lots of tests, and a pregnancy that required pills and shots to make it. On October 19th at 1:04 am we got to meet our little guy.

The first surprise was that after delivery all I wanted to do was sleep. There was none of that dreamy-eyed staring at him for hours that I thought would happen. I didn’t experience this feeling of ecstasy that we finally had what we’d been longing for, like I expected. I knew I needed to try and get him to nurse, but I just wanted to sleep. I distinctly remember thinking, "I wish someone would just put him on the boob and make that happen while I sleep." Needless to say, nursing wasn't successful until after I napped.

The next surprise was that I wasn’t filled with joy at every moment of motherhood. I wasn’t enthusiastically leaping out of bed in the wee hours of the morning to feed. I still suffered from baby blues. I still entered a zombie-like sleep deprivation state. I still got frustrated at poop-splosions and puke-erruptions.

I was surprised that I felt a lot of guilt for not cherishing every moment and seeing it all as a gift from God. I felt guilty for wanting a break.

The biggest surprise was grief that came in waves as I held my little boy. When I first saw him, I realized there were three little ones I did not get to see. Did they look like me or hubby? Were they boys or girls? When he cried, I wondered how their cries would have sounded. When he began to laugh, I wondered what their laughs would have sounded like. As our little guy's personality began to surface, I realized each one of those babies had a personality that I did not get to know.

Basically, it all boils down to the fact that having a baby was not what I expected. It did not immediately heal our grief. A longer journey to a take-home baby did not make me immune from the same struggles that all new moms face. Yes, I was incredibly prideful to even think for a minute that I would be “above” that. Holding a baby in my arms did not immediately make everything seem right with the world.

But, what it did do and is still doing, is serving to sanctify me further - to make me more like Christ. Becoming a mom has humbled me and caused me to repent of pride I did not even know was there. It has exposed selfishness that was deep and hidden in my heart. It has also given me an attitude of grace towards new moms. And, it is the best thing in my life right behind being a believer in Christ and being married to my man. It really is great. I love it and pray The Lord would bless us with more littles!

So, I write this to encourage moms in ALL seasons. If you are a new mom with similar feelings, repent of any pride and cut yourself some slack when things don’t go as expected. If you are an expecting mom who walked a hard road to get there, recognize there may be some pride in your heart if you are tempted to look at a new mom and think, "I won't _________." If you are in the season of waiting, as hard as it can be, show grace to new moms who may be struggling more than they are willing to admit. May we be real, humble and gracious with each other. And, may we learn from each other and be sanctified in the process.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Mostly Wordless Wednesday (with a short update)

Please pass the Starbucks.
Family Fun Day
I can't wait to add another boy to this loving pair!
Yeah... I'm cool.
And one of those pictures that can never quite capture the beauty that God paints in the sky. 

I am now 32 weeks pregnant.  The weeks are starting to fly by and I am starting to realize that in a matter of a couple of months, we will be meeting this new little guy.  Gavin is excited but Joey is pretty much oblivious to the reality of a baby brother.  He knows there is a brother coming but I don't think he really gets it.  Aside from being excited to meet the unnamed member of the family, we are not prepared.  Baby stuff is still packed away.  No new purchases made.  I figure in the final weeks it will give me something to do rather than wait for labor. 

Doug is doing well.  He has been diagnosed with Membranous Nephropathy. The bad news is that it is another health issue and more medications.  The good news is that there is a very good chance that once treated, it will go into remission and never come back.  That is what we are praying for.  We are still waiting to hear what the treatment protocol is going to be since the medications used to treat this new issue is very hard on the liver and the doctor clearly doesn't want to mess up Doug's liver which is doing really well.  The medication that the doc wants to use to treat him is kinda on the pricey side.  And by pricey side, I mean I could buy a brand new minivan every month for the amount that this medication costs.  We are waiting to hear if insurance will cover it.... kinda doubtful but all we can do is wait and see.  Aside from all of the health concerns, he is feeling good and so are we!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013

29 Weeks and As the Kidney Turns

With the news about Doug spinning in my head, life has been a roller coaster of emotions.  It started with climbing in the train and buckling up.  I knew that it was going to be a wild ride, but I was ready.  That is until Dr. Google climbed into the seat right next to us.  You know that rider that kind of hogs the seat and sticks his elbows right where you want to put yours?  Yeah.  That is Dr. Google.  Jerk.

Thankfully, the Nephrologist, a kidney doctor (thanks Dr. Google), was able to see Doug last week and he was a really nice guy.  He spent lots of time with us and answered all of our questions and encouraged us to ask more if we had any.  It also didn't hurt that he looked like an experienced salsa dancer.  As an additional fun fact, my mother was their real estate agent and his wife was on call at the hospital the morning after I had Joey and she checked him.  So, basically, we are best friends. 

He has been diagnosed with Nephrotic syndrome and now we are waiting to know more about how damaged his kidneys are and hopefully to learn what is causing it.  Today he had a biopsy of his kidney and is being monitored overnight due to a risk of bleeding.  He did great and the Radiologist that did the procedure was really wonderful.  Originally we thought that it was going to take 5-7 days for the results of the biopsy but we are excited to hear that his Nephrologist believes we will have results as soon as tomorrow or Friday. 

At this point I am not sure if we were clicking up the steep climb of the first hill for a plunging fall or maybe it is one of those fake out drops that ends up taking a unexpected turn.  I am not sure yet as I think we are just about to the peek.  I am ever so thankful for all of the friends and family that we have praying for us.  It is so appreciated that I get choked up whenever I think about it. 

I am in my 29th week of pregnancy and still, despite the heat and heightened emotions with Doug's health, can't complain.  I love pregnancy and even when I get a painful kick to the cervix or a repeated right hook to my ribcage I take a moment to remember what a blessing this is.  I had a moment last week where I suddenly realized that there is a little human being in my tummy. I know on a very cognitive level that I am going to have a baby in a couple of months, but the fact that there is a person who is going to have likes, dislikes, tantrums, and slobbery kisses suddenly hit me.  My son in inside of me.  No-brainer and mind blowing all at the same time. 

Please continue to pray for us.  I'll try to update again soon. 

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