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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Words of Wisdom



Thursday, March 29, 2012

Wobenzym N and Jolly Ranchers


After my last appointment with Dr. M., my RE, I was prepared to fly to Chicago to meet with a new doctor who would be willing to test me for everything that may be contributing to my losses.  Dr M. said that he was fine with me going to see "Dr. Quack and Dr. Beer", nicknames he has given them based on the how their names are pronounced.  He wouldn't be willing to work with them, but he would be happy to continue working with me independent of them. Dr. M also told me that just because they prescribe a treatment and I carry to term doesn't really mean anything.  Odds are that I will carry to term again regardless of the treatment.  He even went as far as to say that he could tell me to eat Jolly Ranchers every day and maybe that would keep me pregnant.  To which my response was, "Really!  You think Jolly Ranchers would really work?"


After doing a ton of research I decided to try a couple of more natural approaches.  I started taking Maca right away which has been used to treat both infertility and miscarriages.  Who knew.  After as long as I have been trying to conceive and dealing with losses you would think I would have payed closer attention to the uses of Maca.


As I was reading this article, I discovered a supplement that I had never heard of before.  It is called Wobenzyme N.  Apparently it was designed to treat pain and inflammation but they have done several years of studies in women who have had recurrent miscarriages due to autoimmune issues.  In a group of 144 women who had recurrent losses due to immunological response to pregnancy, 79% carried to term when the women took this prior to and during pregnancy.  While I haven't technically been diagnosed with an autoimmune issue, I am feeling fairly certain that this is my issue.  I am thrilled with an 79% chance of staying pregnant.  This enzyme therapy may also beneficial for those with blocked tubes or other scar tissue that is causing fertility issues. 



I have been taking this supplement for a few weeks now.  The directions are to take it at least 45 minutes before a meal on an empty stomach which can be a little inconvenient for my schedule, but I am willing to do what I have to do!  I have had no adverse side effects since I started taking the Wobenzym and have actually had less aches and pains in my muscles and joints since I started.  Obviously I have no idea if this is going to be my "Jolly Rancher" or not, but having virtually eliminated my aches and pains is a decent trade off.   Now we wait and see if I can get and stay pregnant!

*Disclaimer- I was provided with Wobenzym N at no cost for my review.  All thoughts and opinions in this post are 100% my own. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Bunch of Bullets

Just enough brain matter to do some bullet points and more giggles.  As it turns out Blogger doesn't want to cooperate with a giggle today so.... feel free to tell some jokes in the comments!


  • First, I know that my blog is about me and I am not going to be able to please everyone, but please know that my last post was a touch of my very best sarcasm.  Sometimes the only way I can get through yet another month of trying for a pregnancy with no luck is to laugh at the whole situation.  I am sorry if I offended anyone.  That was clearly not my intent.  Just trying to bring a smile to the faces of others who find themselves feeling down.  
  • I am super excited about the giveaways that will be starting this weekend!  I am still hearing back from sponsors and I am excited to share that we have some pretty cool items being added to the list!  How about a Fertile Focus Microscope, a set of Cycle Beads, a gift set of 25 Ovulation Test and 10 Pregnancy Tests to name a few.  This is going to be so much fun!  

  • I am using Soy Isoflavones this cycle.  Many tote Soy Iso to be the all natural Clomid.  My goal is really just to increase my chances of success.  The downfall?  I have had 3 days of what I can call nothing less than migraines, complete with nausea and vomiting.  Pleasant, huh?  The things we do... 
  • Thanks to everyone that commented about the Gavin thing at Chick-Fil-A.  You all really did make me feel better and maybe even a bit prouder that my sweetie is such a sweetie!
  • Earlier this week we planted tons of Red Raspberry canes and a bunch of strawberries too.  We don't expect to get a yield of strawberries but we should be able to harvest the raspberries twice this year!  I now need to read about how and when to harvest the leaves for tea!  I think this will be pretty cool to be able to have my very own tea on hand for when I get pregnant!  I am going to add this to my routine when I get another positive test.  

  • We have started several trays of seeds in the house this year for the garden.  I love how Gavin has been able to participate in watching our plants grow!  I hope we get tons of food from the garden this year as it is our goal to grow as much of our own food as possible this year!  It will be nice to eliminate as many chemicals as possible!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Exploring Other Options







Monday, March 26, 2012

I'm That Mom

In just the last few weeks Gavin has really developed a deep love for fast food play areas.  He doesn't discriminate.  He has never met a twisty slide that he didn't like.

Every Monday morning, my mother in law comes over and she gets to have some Gavin and Joey love.  Today we decided to meet at Chick-Fil-A and have some lemonade and let the boys explore and play.  There was a group of moms that each had a kid or two playing in the play area.  Gavin has never had a shy bone in his body and has never met a person he didn't like.  Well... unless you count the guy who wears the giant orange hat in Yo Gabba Gabba. That dude freaks him out! So off he goes and immediately has engaged the whole group in a very intense game of Octonauts.   He had been playing so hard and so long that his face was flushed and he had actually started sweating!

I was dreading the inevitable meltdown when it came time to go.   In order to increase my odds of leaving with our dignity intact, I prepared Gavin by telling him that he had 5 more minutes to play.  I then explained that if he gave me a hard time about leaving that we wouldn't be able to come back.  After about 5 minutes, I called Gavin over and told him to get his shoes on.  I held my breath for the, "But Mooooom.  I don't wanna go yet!"

Instead, he just said, "Okay Mom.  But first I need to say goodbye to all of my friends."

Aw!  How sweet!  So as he goes to make his rounds, I start gathering up Joey and his shoes.  At that exact moment I look over and find Gavin giving a giant hug to a boy he had met about 20 minutes prior.  Then, before I could intervene, he turns and gives him a kiss squarely on his cheek.  As I am calling his name and telling him that is enough, the little boy's mother gives me a death stare.  I apologize quickly as my face is flushing with embarrassment.  Her eye roll response makes me feel no better.  I am that mom.

Have you had any embarrassing moments that you are willing to share?   Please, help me feel better.
Sunday, March 25, 2012

30 Days of Giveaways!

What is better than a giveaway?  I'll tell you!  Thirty of them!  In a row no less!

Starting April 1st, I will post a giveaway every single day for 30 days!  The prizes will all be for those who are trying to conceive or are expecting a blessing.  The entries will be easy and fun activities on www.ttccommunity.com.  You will need to be a member to participate so if you haven't joined in the fun, go ahead and sign up now.  I will also post my regular blog posts throughout the month as well so be sure to read those too.


Day 1: Boppy Pregnancy Wedge Winner :Brie
Day 2: FertileCM Winner: Maria M.
Day 3: 20 Wondfo Pregnancy Test Strips Winner: Laura
Day 4: Dream Belly Butter Winners: Melissa, Sara, Andrea, Madeline, and Cagney
Day 5: FertilAid for Men Winner: Maria M.
Day 6: Welcome Womb Winner: Cagney 
Day 7: The Pregnancy Journal Winner: Cagney

Day 8: 25 OPKs and 10 HPTs from Baby Wishes!  Winner: Nikki
Day 9: Hi Bebe Fetal Doppler  Winner: Sarah Jo
Day 10: Essential Oils Winner: Madeline
Day 11: TTC Tea Winner: Cagney
Day 12: Pre-Seed Winner: Nikki
Day 13: Raw Maca Vcaps Winner: Cagney
Day 14: 20 Wondfo Pregnancy Tests Winner: Jayme
Day 15: Fertile Focus Microscope Winner: Madeline
Day 16: Nipple Nurture Balm  Winner: Carrie
Day 17: TCOYF Paperback Winner: Megan L.
Day 18: Sensual Massage Oil Winner: Megan L.
Day 19: Red Raspberry Leaf Tea Winner: Nikki
Day 20: Wobenzyme N  Winner: Nikki
Day 21: Belly Photo Stickers Winner: Shirley
Day 22: Aroma Therapy Kit  Winner: Megan L.
Day 23: Welcome Womb Winner: Laura
Day 24: Wondfo HPTs (20)  Winner: Madeline
Day 25: Onsie Stickers Winner: Blaze
Day 26: Prenatals and DHA Winner: Cagney
Day 27: Cycle Beads and iCycle App Winner:TBA
Day 28: SpermCheck Fertility Test Winner: TBA

Day 29: Baltic Amber Teething Necklace Winner: TBA

Day 30: Amazon Gift Card ($25.00) Winner: TBA

If you place this button on your blog, website, or forum signature prior to April 1st, you will get 10 extra entries to any and all giveaways that you choose to enter.  Simply copy the code found below the button on the right sidebar of this blog and paste it into an html/javascript widget in your sidebar.  If you aren't able to use the code, you can right click, save the image, place it where you would like it and then link it to this page. *Don't have a blog?  Start one at ttccommunity!  You can put the button there and share the link with me here! 

Just a few of the awesome things we will be giving away will be: Pregnancy Tests, FertilAid for Men, FertileCM, Sensual Massage Oil, a fetal doppler, a pregnancy journal, pre-seed and much much MUCH more!   As each giveaway is posted I will add a link to this post so bookmark it now so you can check back daily!!  Be sure to let your friends know about this because there will be plenty of prizes to go around!

If you are posting the button for extra entries, please use the rafflecopter to get credit! I look forward to sharing these goodies with you! 
Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I Can't Stop





It is hard to believe that I am still at this!  I am really confident that God has another child for us so I can't stop trying yet.

Today was another gorgeous day and I couldn't bear to stay in.  Since my temperature hit rock bottom today and I am jsut sitting around waiting for my period, I decided that I should celebrate.  I loaded the kids into the truck, opened the sunroof, and drove 15 miles (one way) to get Starbucks.  Then, I was easily persuaded by Gavin to pick up Taco Bell for lunch.  I mean, if I am going to get good 'ol Aunt Flo, I may as well have some digestive upset provided by some tacos and fire sauce!

Then, as I was feeling the warm sun on my arms and face, I started thinking about how much I wish I had enough time to have a large family.  A lot of it has to do with wanting to have enough kids around that when I am old and gray(er), I will have children and grandchildren to keep me feeling lively.  Then, just like a lightening strike, I had an epiphany.

God is giving me a huge family for when I am in Heaven.  I may have 2 (or hopefully 3 or 4) kids on Earth, but when my day comes to meet Jesus, I will have 7 children ready to call me mama while my Earthly children live out long, healthy, and productive lives.  God really is so good to me.






Monday, March 19, 2012

Can I get pregnant if he puts it in my ear? (Part 6)


These are all questions about trying to conceive posed in the last week.  I did not edit them at all.  I didn't want to insult the integrity of their questions.The good things about these posts is that it seems I will never run out of material.   In fact, it seems to get easier every time!








Am I pregnant or bladder infection? i been having sex with ,my Bf with and without protection. March 2 we did it nonstop 3 times without condom. when he would *** he would clean it fast with a piece of cloth then put it back again. That day i was wearing a thong (just for the occacion cus i dont wear those) well after having sex i didnt go home, so i had the thong for 8 hours and it was uncomfortable. Then Sunday March 4 when i had sex with him it was hurting BADLY!!!!! Monday i was itching, i didnt pay much attention cus i shaved my vagina when having sex...
Stop right there!  You shave when having sex?!  Not only is that dangerous, it is incredibly distracting when you are reaching for shaving creams and waving that razor around!  Please try to finish your personal grooming before having intercourse.



ive been having sex a lot this week, im on birth control and i forgot about the time change, could i be prego?
 I understand being late for church or work one day, but it has been two weeks!  No one told her? 




Can you get pregnant when you ovulate?
At first, I wanted to say, "Duh!" but then a bunch of people had beaten me to it.  Then, check out this response. 
~ First of all, You guys are all a bunch of bitches. Leave this poor girl alone. I study this stuff and Even I forgot. Wtf, Don't pick on her just because she doesn't know, Thats why she ******* asked this question!  No honey. You can't.
HaHaHaHa!




I want to know if my friend is pregnant? She is sexually active, but on March 5th she had sexual intercourse for 3times in a row, without any protection, her nipples have somehow started to peel off, her lower back hurts, she gets very sleepy and lazy during the day, has mood swings, no appetite, you guys think she might be?
I can't believe they are so calm when her nipples are peeling off.  I am kind of gagging and freaking out for her friend.  Tape those suckers back on and get thee to a doctor, STAT!




My period is 9 days late and i have ALL the symptoms in the book, and now a new one. GREEN POOP. its been green and soft for a few days now and im still getting negative test. i dont think this is some freak occurance lol. im just wondering why my test isnt positive. im waiting until my NEXT period is due and the day that i am late for that one, im going to the doctors for a blood test. :)
Never in all of my years of trying to conceive did I ever hear of green poop as a sign of pregnancy!  Armed with this new information, I am going to eat nothing but Boo Berry Crunch cereal for my next two week wait!



Did he come inside me? My husband and i had sex last night and i'm unusually wet so i can't tell if he comes or not. But, last night I felt him go really deep inside, then i felt his penis pulsating, then he pulled out. Also, usually after we're done I get up and there is a wet spot on our bed, but last night when i got up there wasn't one. Does that mean that he came inside me and it stayed inside me?
Here is a genius idea!  How about you ASK your husband!  Do you really think that asking a bunch of strangers on the internet is going to get you a better answer than rolling to your right and asking your bedmate?




  How do I become a single mom?  
In the comments below, tell me how you would answer this one? 

Now check out part 1, 2 , 3 , 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8
Sunday, March 18, 2012

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

The Good: I am so happy to announce that Joni was selected by rafflecopter to win the Ovacue Fertility Monitor with Vaginal Sensor! And, just because Laura told her about it, Laura is getting one too! I am so happy for them and hope that it helps them conceive soon!  A huge high five goes to Fairhaven Health for hooking Jayme and I up with these awesome monitors! 

Also, within the next few days there will be another awesome giveaway!  I am working out the details, but I promise you, there will be a prize package for you no matter where you are in your journey with starting, growing, or loving your family the way it is!

The Bad: I was really feeling some convincing ghost symptoms the last few days, but when I woke I was feeling less sure.  That didn't keep me from testing.  I think my period will be here in the next couple of days. 


The Ugly: I can't believe I am actually going to post this picture.  I am never in pictures mostly because I am always behind the camera, but also because I hate pictures of me.  Today Gavin and Joey were both curled up in my lap watching Blue's Clues.  They have been fascinated with the daffodils so as they clung to their flowers and sleepily watched the show Doug grabbed the camera.  After Doug took about 8 pictures  I decided to make a silly face to see if he even noticed.  He didn't.  This is just scary. 






Friday, March 16, 2012

Fertility Friday Flashback

I spent way too much time, effort and immature giggles on these to not share them again.  If you haven't had the opportunity to see these not-so-artistic drawings (I completely missed my calling as a 6th grade artist) of baby making techniques, check them out!  I hope you have a wonderful weekend! 

Baby Making Part 1

Baby Making Part 2

If you have any more techniques that you would like me to attempt to draw, I would love to hear about them!



Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Crisis Averted

Joey brings me this toy.  Screaming.  I assure him that I can fix this.

On second thought... after pulling, twisting, yanking, and working up a light sweat I get a screw driver to extract the cow/flashlight.  The whole time I am unable to figure out how on Earth it got in there! 

After unscrewing 4 of the loooongest screws known to man, I hand Joey the cow and he takes it directly over to the couch.


Then after sitting it on the couch, he walked away.  He didn't even want the stupid cow.  I worked frantically to get that cow out of that plastic box and there it sat. 
Cow Crisis: Averted
Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Chicken Romance


With this nice weather I couldn't help but think about spring!  This led me to think about farming and how I have yet to share some of my fun stories about being a farm girl.

We started with 2 cows, bulls to be exact, that we brought home in a large dog crate lined with straw.  They were young and their mothers wouldn't nurse them (I am not sure the whole story behind that) so we bottle fed those little fellas until they were old enough to be weaned.

The next adventure was adding chickens to the mix.  I was so naive to the whole world of chickens so you can imagine my surprise when I learned that you can order chickens online and they show up in the mail.  Like, "May I please have a box of 50 chickens please?"

The day they were expected to arrive, I called the post office to ask if they were there yet.  As they ask me to hold, I can clearly hear peeps and tweets at an impossible to ignore volume.  I couldn't believe they had to ask me to hold to "check".  Then again, maybe they get boxes of birds routinely.  This certainly was new for me!

We raised those birds from little peeps into a flock of real live chickens.  Doug had mentioned more than a couple of times that he wanted to get a rooster.  Okay... here is where things get a little... lets say interesting.

It was Valentines Day in 2005 and I had decided that there is nothing more romantic than going for a drive to buy a rooster!  I did some research and found a flea market that advertised that they sold poultry!  As soon as Doug arrived home from work, I told him of our upcoming adventure!

We wrote down the directions, packed the same large dog crate that brought home two baby cows, and we hit the road.  After a few wrong turns and long and windy roads, we found our way to the flea market.  We drove down a long gravel road we saw a huge lit up parking lot with about about 95% of it completely vacant.  We climbed out of the car, slightly nauseated from the back country roads, but staggered up to what appeared to be the entrance.  A man in coveralls and a stereotypical farmers hat ask with a tired drawl, "What cha lookin' fer?  Ain't nothin' left here tonight."

"Really, I asked?  I thought it said that it was open until 2:00 am!  (I know... crazy right?  But that is what the website said!)" I replied, almost sick that we had come all this way for a romantic Valentines Day rooster and would be leaving empty handed.

"Naw.  That is only if dere is still stuff left to be sold.  Ain't nothing left in dere but a couple a chickens."

"We want a rooster!" I exclaimed.

"Aw well, then you might find one of dem in 'ere."

We got a little paddle for bidding (I had no idea it was an auction!  I was learning so much.) and walked into a barn that smelled so awful I had tears welling up in my eyes.  There were about 10 people sitting in metal chairs on poopy floors.  But, we were on a mission.  We were getting a rooster!

Then, the bird that we wanted was rolled out on the stage.  An auctioneer started the bidding at 25 cents.  No joke.  A quarter!  We raised our paddle.  Then another man bid 50.  Then we countered with 75.  We were prepared to spend 20-40 dollars so it was starting to make sense how a flea market  could be open until 2 o'clock in the morning going in 25 cent increments.  Then when we offered $2.75 for this prime specimen of a bird, the other man looked at us as if we were completely looney for spending that kind of money of a old rooster.  We just laughed and went out back to claim our feathery prize!

We loaded the bird into the crate and carefully set out for the return adventure.  It took all of about 45 seconds to realize that this was going to be a long drive.  Every slight turn, bend in the road, or tap of the brakes would send the bird careening into the opposite corner of the crate with a giant flap of rooster wings that would send my hair blowing forward and into my eyes.  I drove very slowly and deliberately, but it was inevitable that the bird would slide and flap.  Every. Single. Time.

As we neared our home the rooster was doing a very little flapping and a lot more sliding.  Doug had reassured me that even if this bird didn't live, it had been a very romantic adventure.


When we finally got home we opened the back of the SUV and both deduced that this bird didn't look good.  It was messy with poop, lethargic, and looked as if it was clinging to a shred of birdy life.  Doug gingerly lifted the crate out of the vehicle an placed in near the chicken coop.  The hens all started coming out to see what the hubbub was about.  They didn't seem to notice their new friend.  Doug decided to put some chicken feed in the crate leading out to see if the rooster would find the strength to exit his slippery nightmarish home.  He didn't move.  I was close to tears as I watched the hens start moving toward the newly placed feed and the rooster didn't move.  Not at all. 

Then, one hen pecked at the ground a few times outside of the crate.  Without more than a couple of seconds passing, the rooster came flying out of the crate and took the hen by the neck, tossed her down on the ground and it took my unfamiliar eye about 2 seconds to realize that I was a voyeur of chicken sex.  After the rooster completed his end of that deal, he strutted around like he was on top of the world.  Sex brought our rooster back from the brink of death.

That rooster ended up living and having many months of chicken sex.  Who said getting a rooster for Valentine's Day isn't romantic?   





Monday, March 12, 2012

Staying Faithful

Last week seems like it was forever ago.  I was on my frantic search for answers and willing to stop at almost nothing to find and solve my miscarriage issues.  Blame it on hormones or just bruised confidence, but I had to know what was causing my body to do this.

On my way home from that appointment, I called Doug and told him the short version of my appointment.  I expected him to be ready to book a flight (or at least a rental car) to get to Chicago and get the testing underway.  When this wasn't his reaction, I was a bit hurt... at first.

"God doesn't need, pills, shots or treatments," he said.

"Uh... I know that but..."

"We can talk more later and I don't want you to think that I am opposed to testing.  Just remember that God doesn't need any of this."

Of course I cried.  I know He doesn't, but what if I do?

I started coming up with my attack plan on how I was going to go about getting the tests done and figured then I would decide how to move forward.  Then I started reading, researching and thinking a lot about my past losses and my sweet adorable boys.  What did I do differently?  Why did they stick?  Why did I get to keep them?  I know that I may never know the answers but I have some theories.

(Doug teases me because I always have a theory!)

I had tried all of the various interventions my doctor was willing to try.  I still had 6 miscarriages.  I was poked, prodded, and examined for everything possible and still came up empty handed.  It was when I gave up on modern medicine and put all of my faith in God and the herbs he gives us, that is when Joey got to stay.
So, I can go chasing doctors all over the place trying to get every test under the sun or I can put all of my faith in God that when He wills it to be, it will be.

So, with that in mind, I have decided to add Maca to my regimen since it is able to prevent miscarriage when it is cause by a hormonal imbalance.  Also, I have added a new supplement called Wobenzym N.  It is usually used for relief of joint and arthritis pain, but in a study of women with recurrent losses, it had an 80% success rate when immune system issues were a factor.  I am hoping that if it doesn't work that my joints will feel fantastic! 

I know that it could be a coincidence but a couple of months before I got pregnant with Joey, I had started jogging and walking 2-3 times a week.  I don't know if maybe that improved my blood circulation, overall health, or maybe allowed my immune system to work appropriately which meant Joey stuck.  So, since I need to lose some weight anyway, I have been working out about 4-5 times a week on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes each time.  It may not keep me pregnant but it certainly can't hurt me! 

So... now we wait until we get pregnant again so that we can pray that God's will be done and that I can stay strong and faithful that His will is not only what I need but what I should want. 





Thursday, March 8, 2012

How To Tell Me You Are Pregnant

Hearing someone else's good news can be gut wrenching for me.  But, sometimes it really isn't.  I might be tempted to say that my response has a lot to do with how much I like you, but that isn't true.  It is more about how you tell me, how supportive you are, and how sensitive you are to my feelings.  I don't want anyone to have to join the crappy clubs I belong to, but I need to know that the pregnant people in my life recognize that I do hold several membership cards.  If you have good news to share with me, I can tell you what you can do to help me celebrate with you.  Otherwise, I just might be sent running to the top level of a parking garage with a shamrock shake, a large box of tissues, and expel one loud and ear piercing scream.



Please do not tell me about how you weren't really trying and just got a surprise.   If you aren't prepared, don't think you can handle one more, have no baby stuff, thought your baby making days were long over, etc. don't tell me that.  

Do tell me that you always wanted a large family, that you are feeling overwhelmed but blessed, or that you are looking forward to figuring things out.  

Please do not give me advice on how to get pregnant.  Even if your "technique" is fool proof, chances are, I have tried it.  Twice.  

Do tell me that you can appreciate how much my heart aches and that you are willing to listen to me if I ever need to vent.  I may not choose to vent over your rotund baby bump, but it is nice to have the option.


Please do not pretend as if you have no idea that I am dealing with infertility or miscarriages when you know this is the case.  Acting like it hasn't even crossed your mind makes me think that you don't care.  

Do tell me that you are aware of how I might feel and ask me if I am okay.  Let me cry without taking it personally and reach out to me.  Hugs mean a lot. 

Please do not disappear.  In addition to the pain of infertility or loss, I am also afraid that all of my friends are driving their minivan to Mommyhood without me.  If you fade out of my life, it is only going to confirm that fear.  Pregnant or not, I need friends. 

Do invite me over for coffee or ice cream (OR coffee flavored ice cream!) and chat about work, life, celebrity gossip, or favorite recipes.  I probably don't want to talk much about nursery colors, adorable onsies, or your aches and pains of pregnancy, but I need you to still care about me.  

Please do not ask me to give up even if you think I should.  Even if you think exploring other options isn't giving up, it won't sound good coming from you.  

Do let me steer the conversations about my journey to pregnancy.  I may very well choose to look into other options, but unless I ask for your opinion on what steps to take next, please keep those thoughts to yourself.  

Please do not forget that the arrival of your most adorable little miracle isn't the end of my pregnancy induced jealousy.  Not only is your snuggle bug a reminder of what I should be holding in my arms, it is also representative of how much time has passed.  Getting lapped in the quest for baby is a tough thing for me.  

Do know that if you are ever in a situation where you find yourself dealing with a loss(es) or the inability to get pregnant, I will be here for you.  I will tell you anything and everything you want to know.  They are crappy subjects to know a ton about, but if my experience can help you, I vow to be just as supportive and sensitive as you have been to me. 

Congratulations to all of the mamas to be!  May your pregnancies be long, healthy and happy! 




Wednesday, March 7, 2012

WW: Things That Make Me Smile







Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Answers

Today was the big day.  The day that was supposed to be about hearing a wonderful sound of a heartbeat, that was transformed into an appointment for answers.  Why can a perfectly healthy woman have 7 miscarriages?  The general tests told us nothing substantial.  The more extensive tests came back normal.  The diagnosis of "bad luck" isn't going to fly anymore.  Or is it?

I was so nervous for this appointment.  I think it was out of shear nervousness that I made time to put on make up, paint my fingernails, and put on earrings.  If you don't already know, I can do a weeks worth of laundry and not fold anything other than underwear, pajamas, yoga pants, and t-shirts.  Today, I was getting ready as if I was on my way to a job interview.  Okay.  Not a job interview for a position at a law firm, but a well regarded gas station. 

As I arrived at the office, I was relieved to see an empty waiting room.  I sat and at the same moment I got out my phone to check facebook, I was called back.  I was shocked when the took me to an exam room since it was just a consult and there was no need to get naked.  Thank goodness because I totally didn't shave my legs!  I waited in the not so comfy chair in the corner of the room that is intended for the husbands to squirm in as their expectant wife gets a pap smear.  I looked at my phone, did some facebook-ing, read a pamphlet and listened to the other exam room doors open and close. 

About 40 minutes later, in walks the white coats. 

My RE and a resident sidekick comes in the room and we get right right to the small talk.  Then, a deep breath and I show him the list of tests that I came across regarding recurrent losses.  I watched my doctor transform from a gentle practitioner to a very practical fact-based scientist.  The three of us hunched over the list of tests and my file and located 5-8 tests out of the 25-30 tests I was inquiring about.  Then, just as I fully expected, he explained that he could run the remaining tests but they would be expensive, and not exactly give me the answers I am so desiring.  Not to mention, he wouldn't treat me any differently even if the results told us something.  The bottom line is that there isn't any scientific, studied, or proven statistics that any of these immunological diagnoses cause miscarriages and even less proof regarding the treatments will work.

My doctor did agree that there was a time that doctors didn't know that they needed to wash their hands before surgery.  They didn't know what a germ even was!  So, there is no reason to believe that 100 years from now there will be people saying, "I can't believe that doctors back then still had to deal with recurrent miscarriages!  They had no idea that Natural Killer Cells needed to be sensitized!" 

So, what did I learn?  Not a lot.  I knew going in that these thing aren't exactly looked kindly upon by the majority of the medical community.  I knew that it was a long shot.

Where to go from here?  I haven't decided yet.  I still need to process everything and do a little more research.  My doctor did say that he is more than willing to continue treating me (not that he does much other than run betas and do ultrasounds) but will not monitor any meds or treatments recommended by any other doctors.  He compared it to someone who sees an acupuncturist.  He is all for it, but he isn't going to let an acupuncturist tell him how to make his patient ovulate.   I get it. 

I'll be honest.  I cried.  I couldn't hold it back.  I get it, but my heart still wants answers.  My heart wants me to find a solution even if it means trying something that isn't proven.  His response just made me cry a little more.  He explained, "We all want answers.  We all want to know why some things happen.  But sometimes there just aren't answers available.  Like, why does a perfectly beautiful child get cancer and die?  Sometimes there just aren't answers."
Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Miscarriage Monster

I was doing really good.  Really.  And not in the way that I was trying to be doing good.  I really was feeling good and positive about getting some concrete answers and trying again.  Then starting yesterday, he found me.

The Miscarriage Monster is a real sneaky one.  He has the quietest footsteps ever.  He can creep up from behind me without as much as a sound, but when I see his face, he is taunting me to cry.  No real good reason for the tears, but crying fuels him.  If a tear happens to slip from my eye, he feels so powerful.  He stops tiptoeing and walks there right next to me bobbing along just waiting for a few more tears to fall so that he can really get under my skin.  While I was busy ignoring him,  he walks me past the maternity clothes at Target.  Bastard. 

I turn away and quickly move past the spring dresses and flowy tops.  I look at the Men's section instead of looking at the couples looking quizzically at the bottles and breastpumps and arrive safely at the intended destination.  As I am about to head to the cash registers, I realize that I should probably pick up some ovulation tests so that I can see how messed up my cycle is going to be.  As I walk past the vaginal creams, lubricants, and condoms, I reach for the ovulation tests.  Then, in the corner of my eye, that blasted Miscarriage Monster is rolling around on the floor, calling far too much attention to me.  I shouldn't be buying ovulation tests.  I am not supposed to be here.  I am supposed to be feeling ill from the smell of Starbucks wafting through the air.  I am supposed to be holding my jeans together with a rubber band because I am so bloated.  I am supposed to be deciding how and when to tell my everyone the big news.  I am supposed to be pregnant. 

But, I am not pregnant anymore.  I am not looking forward to an ultrasound next week.  I am only hoping to find out why my body keeps doing this.  I need answers. I want to celebrate my next pregnancy without the fear that the Miscarriage Monster will get another stab at me.  I hate him.
Thursday, March 1, 2012

Giveaway: OvaCue Fertility Monitor with Vaginal Sensor


As many of you know, I was given the opportunity to review an OvaCue fertility monitor with vaginal sensor!  So many of you expressed an interest in a giveaway that I had to figure out how to make that happen.  Not only did I get you a giveaway, I did one better!  I managed to turn this into an even cooler giveaway event by inviting my dear friend Jayme at The Tater Twins to join me!  What does this mean?  This means TWO monitors are going to be sent out to TWO lucky winners!! 

There is a tiny twist that could make this really exciting!  If you share this giveaway with your friends, blog readers, or trying to conceive buddy groups and they use your email address* as who referred them, if they win, you do too!!  So not only do all of your entries count as a possibility to win, every single entry of each person that you send, also means an entry for you as well!  So spread the word!

In the event the winner was not referred by anyone, a second winner will be selected for the second monitor!

*The email address must match the one you use to enter via rafflecopter!!  

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