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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Miscarriage Monster

I was doing really good.  Really.  And not in the way that I was trying to be doing good.  I really was feeling good and positive about getting some concrete answers and trying again.  Then starting yesterday, he found me.

The Miscarriage Monster is a real sneaky one.  He has the quietest footsteps ever.  He can creep up from behind me without as much as a sound, but when I see his face, he is taunting me to cry.  No real good reason for the tears, but crying fuels him.  If a tear happens to slip from my eye, he feels so powerful.  He stops tiptoeing and walks there right next to me bobbing along just waiting for a few more tears to fall so that he can really get under my skin.  While I was busy ignoring him,  he walks me past the maternity clothes at Target.  Bastard. 

I turn away and quickly move past the spring dresses and flowy tops.  I look at the Men's section instead of looking at the couples looking quizzically at the bottles and breastpumps and arrive safely at the intended destination.  As I am about to head to the cash registers, I realize that I should probably pick up some ovulation tests so that I can see how messed up my cycle is going to be.  As I walk past the vaginal creams, lubricants, and condoms, I reach for the ovulation tests.  Then, in the corner of my eye, that blasted Miscarriage Monster is rolling around on the floor, calling far too much attention to me.  I shouldn't be buying ovulation tests.  I am not supposed to be here.  I am supposed to be feeling ill from the smell of Starbucks wafting through the air.  I am supposed to be holding my jeans together with a rubber band because I am so bloated.  I am supposed to be deciding how and when to tell my everyone the big news.  I am supposed to be pregnant. 

But, I am not pregnant anymore.  I am not looking forward to an ultrasound next week.  I am only hoping to find out why my body keeps doing this.  I need answers. I want to celebrate my next pregnancy without the fear that the Miscarriage Monster will get another stab at me.  I hate him.


Maria said...

I'm so sorry you had a rough day, Maria. I hope he stays far away from you this week!
I always found it hard to be in Target after a loss too...isn't that weird. And it is one of my most favorite places in the world.
Sending love and peaceful vibes your way!

(TheMiscarriageMonster looks like someone I know...someone I refer to as the yeti!!!)

Eeeks, that's double scary!! ;)

Have a sweet Tuesday!

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