I was doing really good.  Really.  And not in the way that I was trying to be doing good.  I really was feeling good and positive about getting some concrete answers and trying again.  Then starting yesterday, he found me.

The Miscarriage Monster is a real sneaky one.  He has the quietest footsteps ever.  He can creep up from behind me without as much as a sound, but when I see his face, he is taunting me to cry.  No real good reason for the tears, but crying fuels him.  If a tear happens to slip from my eye, he feels so powerful.  He stops tiptoeing and walks there right next to me bobbing along just waiting for a few more tears to fall so that he can really get under my skin.  While I was busy ignoring him,  he walks me past the maternity clothes at Target.  Bastard. 

I turn away and quickly move past the spring dresses and flowy tops.  I look at the Men's section instead of looking at the couples looking quizzically at the bottles and breastpumps and arrive safely at the intended destination.  As I am about to head to the cash registers, I realize that I should probably pick up some ovulation tests so that I can see how messed up my cycle is going to be.  As I walk past the vaginal creams, lubricants, and condoms, I reach for the ovulation tests.  Then, in the corner of my eye, that blasted Miscarriage Monster is rolling around on the floor, calling far too much attention to me.  I shouldn't be buying ovulation tests.  I am not supposed to be here.  I am supposed to be feeling ill from the smell of Starbucks wafting through the air.  I am supposed to be holding my jeans together with a rubber band because I am so bloated.  I am supposed to be deciding how and when to tell my everyone the big news.  I am supposed to be pregnant. 

But, I am not pregnant anymore.  I am not looking forward to an ultrasound next week.  I am only hoping to find out why my body keeps doing this.  I need answers. I want to celebrate my next pregnancy without the fear that the Miscarriage Monster will get another stab at me.  I hate him.