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I took a test yesterday.  Negative.

I took a test last night.  Something???  Maybe??? 

But something doesn't look right.  The line isn't in the right spot.  All that does is encourage me to use two more tests to see what, if anything, that test means.  

It means that it was a faulty test.  Totally negative.

This morning I test again.  It looks negative.  Then about 10 minutes later, I see something.  Don't I?  The more time that passes the more I see that... dare I call it a line?  

Too much time has passed.  It can't be valid.

I am easily coerced into using a First Response test by the lovely Jayme at ttccommunity with using just two words, "FRER time?"

Nothing.  I dip a cheap one too... just because...

Another stupid, shows up too late, dare I call it a line?

and

Then just to make matters worse, I have a horrible headache.  I often get headaches when I don't get enough caffeine.  Hello.  My name is Maria and I am a caffeine addict.  But today I have had a cup of coffee and a soda.  I should not be going through withdrawal.  Then this morning, as I wiped my nose, it started gushing blood.  I get it.  It is the middle of winter.  The air is dry.  Nosebleeds aren't unheard of for me.  But why, oh why does it also have to be a potential pregnancy symptom?!  Probably because no matter where I am in my cycle, I can always find this street...

If you want to come and obsess with me, I can be found over at www.ttccommunity.com.  Find me and friend me!  I am Maria! 

Well... almost the beginning.  I cannot believe it's been almost two weeks since I decided I wanted to chronicle our IVF journey as we go through it - and yet I've written nothing!  A lot of the "writer's block" I've been experiencing with this is where do you start the journey?  Clearly, most couples who come to the cross roads of IVF don't arrive here over night.  Most often, as is the case for us, the decision to move to InVitro Fertilization (IVF) is preceded by years of previous fertility treatments, procedures, various doctors, trial and error of old wives tales, alternative medicine attempts, and tests... oh the endless tests.  So as tempting as it is, the thought of backing this train up and writing about each stop over the last 3.5 years of trying for our little one is both impossible and so incredibly daunting it makes climbing Mount Everest seem like a more attainable goal for me - I think I'll just rewind to last month when we made the definitive decision to go forward with IVF, with a little cliff notes version of the 3.5 years that we will one day far far in the future, affectionately call "the trying to conceive years".  You can of course read more about our journey over the past few years on the main page of the blog.

On August 16th 2008, with tears of joy in my eyes, I took my best friend as my husband and wanted nothing more than to spend my life with him and one day see our children looking up at him with love and adoration soaking through them.  It was a specific moment on our wedding day that I'll never forget.  I remember looking at him, and thinking... "I can't believe he chose me!",  followed quickly by "He is going to be such an amazing father!"

Little did I know that the point between then and now would be followed by years of infertility, multiple miscarriages, two different Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE) on the East Coast, an MRI, an HSG, countless blood tests and scopes, seeing Naturopathic Doctors, and acupuncturists, a move across the country, meeting with yet another RE, telling the whole story all over again, learning I have endometriosis that had gone undiagnosed for years, another MRI, scheduled for surgery to cure endometriosis, learning that the surgery did not fix the endo, then to the decision to pull out the big guns and go for IVF.

Since moving to British Columbia, we are now with a phenomenal Reproductive Endocrinologist who we love!  The level of care between here and what we received on the east coast is literally worlds apart, and we're both certain we would have had no hopes of having children if we had staid in our previous city, with our previous doctors.  The doctor we are seeing now is rated as one of the top REs in Canada and it certainly shows.  We have made more progress here in B.C. in the last 6 months than we had in the entire 3 years prior.  As he works along side his wife and daughters in his clinic it is clear that family is what drives him to be so dedicated to his work.

On December 8th, 2011 I had a laparoscopy which we had thought would cure the endometriosis, along with a few other issues which have been interfering with our ability to get pregnant and stay pregnant.  Immediately after the surgery, hubby and I were over the moon that the issues which were getting in our way had been resolved and we could finally focus on baby - or so we thought.  The next morning the surgeon gave us the heartbreaking news that I have stage 4 endometriosis and they were unable to treat that level of endo laparoscopically.  With the help of my wonderful husband, I spent the next few weeks trying hard to heal from the physically and emotionally painful surgery.  We were given the choice of opting for another surgery which would have to be done via bikini cut (c-section cut) which may treat the endometriosis which may or may not help us get pregnant and stay pregnant, or bypass the ovaries and endometriosis all together and move forward with IVF - it's own personal rollercoaster within the rollercoaster of infertility.

Obviously, since I'm writing this, after a lot of soul searching, hard decision making, prayers, chatting with our doctors, and long talks with each other, hubby and I have decided to move forward with IVF.  It will be an interesting and rigorous journey I'm sure, with its own ups and downs.  

My journey to motherhood began back in March of 2007, my father had just passed away a couple of weeks prior, and my husband and I decided that life was too short and why hold off trying to conceive any longer.  I finished off the last of my birth control pills and figured it would be a matter of just a couple of months before we'd get a positive pregnancy test.  I'm the oldest of 5 and my mom got pregnant twice on the pill, and she is one of 8, so I never imagined I'd have a hard time conceiving.  Boy was I wrong!  We tried for a year, and nothing, so we decided to bring it up at my well woman's visit with the doctor.  My dr. back then had been my dr. since birth, and couldn't believe with my family history, that I wasn't pregnant yet.  He ran a bunch of blood tests, and even ordered an MRI to check my pituitary gland, because I’d also been suffering from terrible headaches for a few months.  He also sent my husband home with a little cup, so he could submit a semen sample.  All tests came back normal for me, but my husband was so embarrassed  he waited 6 long months before finally working up the courage to go in., which was in August of 2008.  When the nurse called with the good news my husband was so happy, I think he would have hugged her if she was there, she said he had higher than average count, motility, and etc…  I had been listening in, but stopped at that point, because even though I was elated that we weren’t dealing with male factor infertility, my heart plummeted because I knew it WAS me then.  We decided to keep trying on our own until the end of the year, and if still not pg, we’d go in for a consult with the specialist.  The end of Dec. came, and I called to set up the appointment, the next available date would be March 12th, 2009, ironically this day also marked the two year anniversary of me going off the pill.  February came and I already hated the month, because it is when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and passed away all within a couple of weeks,  just 2 years before.  Then this particular year, I had to get my wisdom teeth out, and then my husband announces on that same day that he is going to be getting laid off for a month.  I figured it couldn’t get any worse, and then my husband’s brother and his wife came out for a visit to my mother and father-in-laws, whom we share a driveway with.  My brother-in-law looked at me and said Happy Valentine’s day, your going to be an aunt.  I had to keep from bursting into tears!  February is such an emotional month anyways, and then to blurt out something like that, when they knew we’d been trying for almost 2yrs, was just too much, I had to keep biting my lip.  I then calmly asked if they were trying or if this was a surprise?  The said they got pregnant their first cycle trying.  I went home a couple of hours later and bawled my eyes out.  I was happy I was going to be an aunt, but I had to grieve for my situation too, little did I know what was to come.  About two weeks later I realized I was a week “late”, after my little sister stayed the night, our cycles have always been at the same time, and she actually noticed hers were the only “products” in the trash, and asked if I had something to tell her.  I thought maybe it had something to do with the stress of the month, but figured I’d take a test in a couple of days, when her and my brother went home.  If I was pg, I wanted it to only be my husband and I there when we got the news, and if I wasn’t I didn’t want my sister and brother there to see me fall to pieces.  The next day my mom and step-dad came out to pick the kids up, and my mom had this look of awe on her face.  She said, “Megan, while we were coming down your driveway (which is over a ¼ mile long) a sense of peace washed over me, and don’t ask me how I know this, it must have been the Lord, but you are going to have a baby in the next 10 months, and it is going to be a boy!”  I said whatever, and grabbed my sister and drug her in the next room, I asked her if she had mentioned to our mom that I was late, and she said no she hadn’t, and she was just as shocked as I was in regards to the story mom had just told.  Well neither one of us mentioned anything to our mom, and they left a little while later. I took at test at 2am the next morning, on March 2nd, and as soon as the pee hit it, it was blaringly positive!  I burst into tears, and ran to wake up my husband.  He jumped awake and asked what was wrong, and I just smiled and said, “Congrats Daddy!”  It took him a second to process what I just said, and then he looked at me like deer in headlights and asked me if I had just called him daddy?  I told him that I indeed had, and he jumped out of bed, hugged me and then asked if he could see the pee stick?  I had left it in the bathroom.  Needless to say, we were a little bit too pumped to go back to bed, and were chomping at the bit to tell someone our good news!  We started calling family at about 6am because we just couldn’t wait anymore. My mom screamed, and danced around according to my sisters, and then came back on the phone and told me that she told me so.  I went in later that morning to get a confirmation of pregnancy at the Dr. and then canceled my appointment with the specialist.  Fast forward to June, and my mom got to tell me she told me so again.  It WAS a BOY!! Danny Jay (named Danny after my dad) was born October 22nd, 2009, at 38 weeks 5days, and was 5 lbs 15oz, 19 ½ inches.  My water broke at 2am and he was born 11 and ½ hours later at 1:34pm, three days after his cousin.  We couldn’t be happier, and he is the love of our lives!

It is now two years later and we’ve been trying to conceive #2 since April 2011, just now going on 12 cycles.  As we once again go through all the testing, with no answers, I try to hold onto my faith, and remember that God gave us the perfect little person for us in His perfect timing last time, and if it is meant to be He will do so again.  While I’m waiting I’ll just enjoy the music of my son’s laughter and the magic of his smile!

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