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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Voices in My Head Tell Me I'm Crazy

I have a running dialogue going in my head all day long.  Sometimes it is just thinking about mundane errands I have to run.  Sometimes it is deep thoughts that may one day come together as a really good blog post.  Most days if you were in my head, it would sound something like this...

Yesterday at 9:00 am:

I really need to get some groceries.  Okay.  What are we going to have for dinners this week?  Hmmm... Wait!  Ouch!  Was that a pinch near my ovary?!  Crap!  That really hurt!  I wonder if it means anything.  Last cycle I think I felt the same thing and it meant nothing.  So... Italian subs sound good.  Maybe some Sausage Sandwiches with onions and green peppers?  I have the veggies so I'll just pick up some.... Crap!  Ouch!  That pinch thing just happened again!  Brush it off.  It is nothing!  So... buns.  Get some buns.   

I pile the kids in the truck and we get on our way to the store.

Don't forget to pick up some cookie dough to bake cookies for Gavin's preschool class tomorrow.  Hmm... 20 kids.  Do I bake 2 dozen and each kid gets one or 4 dozen and each kid gets two and I get more left overs?  I don't need left overs.  I am gaining way too much weight lately.  Is that heartburn?  It hurts!  Ouch!  Totally too early for pregnancy symptoms.  I am only 6 dpo! But wow!  That is definitely heartburn!  So anyway... cookies.  Sugar or chocolate chip?  BURP Uh. Not heartburn.  Just gas.  But gas can be a symptom!  Only 6 dpo.  Stop it, Maria!  

I arrive at the store.

I'll start with the non food stuff then come back and get the cold things.  Speaking of non food stuff... maybe I should pick up a box of pregnancy tests.  I DO have the Detect5 tests at home and really don't need more.  Must say no to pee sticks...  So I should make the cookies as soon as I get home.  I should have time to crank out 4 dozen cookies before lunch right?  

I get home and unpack groceries.   

I have to pee.  I'll unpack the groceries and then go to the bathroom.  Oooh!  I get to use another Detect5 test today to test out my trigger!  So exciting!  Must get food out of car.  Focus, Maria.  Now what on Earth is the Safelight guy doing here?  He isn't supposed to be here for another hour!  I feel weird peeing when there is a stranger outside my house putting in a windshield.  I mean I am sure I could pee and come back before anyone, even the boys, noticed I was gone but I want to use that test.  I'll wait a few minutes.  Maybe he'll be done soon.  On second thought, I'll just make it snappy.  

I get the cup, the test, and head to the bathroom.  

Hold the little cup carefully.  I hate when I get pee on my hands.  Slowly... slowly... but carefully set the pee cup on the floor while I unwrap the test.  What is that sound?  Is that a truck driving bast my bathroom window (a window that has no road anywhere near it)?  Hurry, Maria!  Oh, for the love of pee sticks!  I spilled my cup of pee.  Is there enough left in the cup?  None.  CRAP!  Am I really about to cry over spilled pee?  Maybe I am pregnant.  Wash hands well and repeatedly and then bake cookies.

I start baking cookies.

The theme of the day at preschool is the number 6.  Let me get out the mini MnMs and make little "6"s on each cookie.  How cute am I?  It won't even matter that the dough is coming out of a tub of pre made dough!  I mean, I am going with the theme of the day!  Why is Gavin acting so weird?  ***Editing out the gross part.  Just know that Gavin got sick.  Really really sick. ***  Great.  No one wants the sick kid's mom to bring in "homemade" cookies even if they are cute and have the number of the day on them.  There goes my diet.  

I go to the grocery first thing in the morning to buy pretzels and raisins and take them to the preschool and tell them that Gavin won't be coming despite his begging, pleading, and promises to not get sick anymore. 

Oh my goodness!  Am I getting teary eyed?  Seriously?!  I think I am crying about Gavin not coming to preschool today.  They have to think I am crazy!  I am a nut job!  Can I casually wipe my eyes without a tear falling or will they notice?  Deep breath.  No one can tell.  I'm sure they think I must have allergies because no grown woman would cry over this... unless... I am pregnant!  Maybe I am pregnant and I will be able to share with them 3 months from now that I am pregnant and THAT was why I was a basket case over a stupid snack day and a stomach bug!  Wouldn't that be nice?!  Now focus and get your weepy butt out of here before the other moms notice. 

Am I alone?  Do you talk to yourself too?  Would you cry over spilled pee and 4 dozen chocolate chip cookies with "6"s on them? 


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