I don't know why this has gone so smoothly.  Can I blame it on being well practiced at grief?  I have been down this road so many times, I know where to stop and eat, which rest stops have the cleanest bathrooms, and I know which exits have a Starbucks. 

When I went to the doctor on Friday morning and he attempted to give us a grain of hope, I had to give him the look.  He knew what I meant.  He asked me with a coy raised eyebrow, "How are you so sure this is over?" 

"Maybe because I have done this exact thing 6 times before?!"

He nodded and said to us, "This sucks." 

Yes.  It does suck.  But I am healing.  Feeling better and better each day.  Less tears than the day before and even fewer tomorrow, I'm sure. 

I have poured myself into 2 things starting on Saturday.  The first is that I am going to take advantage of this opportunity to lose some weight.  I was doing really well right after Joey was born.  I was feeling good, getting more tone, and starting to be a little proud of my figure re-emerging from the baby fat.  Then when a few months of TTC turned into 20, I lost my enthusiasm for fitness and reconnected with my first loves, Ben and Jerry.  Since God decided that I wasn't going to be pregnant anymore, I have to turn this into a positive.  I am going to lose as much weight as I can before getting pregnant again.  I am not going to put TTC on hold, but I will be sweating like a pig until I'm pregnant again.  I have done 3 days in a row of 30 minutes on the elliptical machine.  I must say, I feel good!

The other think I have been doing to help me heal is that I have poured myself completely into getting to the bottom of this recurrent miscarriage crap.  This isn't normal.  Normal people don't have 7 miscarriages in a matter of 4 years with a full term pregnancy as part of those 4 years.  I don't mean this in a self accusing way but there simply must be something wrong with me.  Something has to be wrong.  I know that my OB and RE did all of the testing and most everything came back normal.  The things that came back as borderline didn't respond to the treatment that should have taken care of it.  It must be something else...

I have been reading and researching immunological causes for recurrent miscarriages.  I was ignored when I mentioned this during my first "batch" of losses but I am going to force my doctor to listen to me.  At least 3 of my losses I experienced a low grade fever during the "two week wait."  Taking my most recent pregnancy, right around the time of implantation, my temperature went up to 99 degrees for a full 24 hours.  I can't help but think that my body doesn't recognize a fertilized egg and fights it like a disease.  In the previous instances of this happening the pregnancy ended very early, like after only a few days of a positive test.  I think that maybe my taking the Welcome Womb may have allowed the baby to continue to fight back for a while but it wasn't enough to win the battle.  Completely all my theory, but if something like this is the case then there IS treatments available! 

I am ready to try again, but on the flip side, I am not sure I can handle more losses.  I have to get healthy again and get to the bottom of things.  The good news, it is really helping me forge ahead and have a positive view of the future! 

As a girl with a long history of miscarriages, there is nothing better than being able to know that a pregnancy is heading in the right direction without leaving the comfort of my home.  This is especially the case in those first weeks before anything can be seen on an ultrasound.  Since I knew that hCG needs to double every 2-3 days I was able to monitor my hCG levels even after my doctor stopped following me with blood draws.

My first blood draw was 53.8 so two days later I knew that it should have been at about the 100 level so I used a Detect5 to see if that was in fact the case. 

What a relief!  The next morning my blood levels were 157!  Then just as a girl with a history of losses tends to do, I was over analyzing those two numbers.  Were they good enough.  They were normal but was it high enough?  What better way to confirm that things were fine?  A few days later, I used another Detect5!

Whoohoo!  My hCG was at least 500 so it was still doubling right on schedule!  It really put my mind at ease for another couple of days.

Being able to monitor those levels really helped me remain calm and reassured me that things were headed in the right direction.

Unfortunately, just having a pregnancy start out really well doesn't mean that it always ends with a baby.  After an abrupt loss of symptoms, spotting, and cramping, it was confirmed on Friday that I did miscarry.  Even so, I was happy to have a way to give me peace of mind in those early days.  I will absolutely use more of these tests with my next pregnancy!  I pray that next time, I get to see the lines all the way at 10,000 show up!

Gavin's church based preschool has been learning about the miracles.  He can name each that they have covered thus far.  He will tell me that Jesus turned water into wine.  He made the paralyzed man walk.  He fed 5000 people with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread.  He calmed the storm.  Tuesday he learned about how he healed the blind man and gave him sight. 

Yesterday after the bleeding had started, I was trying to remain calm but not doing a very good job.  Doug came home from work to support me.  My parents came over and offered to pick up Gavin from preschool.  While it was nice of them to offer, my heart needed that time with Gavin.  It is a short drive but his sweet voice (that sometimes never lets me get a word in) was what I needed to help me feel better.  So I left Joey with my mom and picked up Gavin. 

I walked with him back to the truck and as per my usual I asked him about his day.  He usually tells me about what he had for snack, who was sick today, or who got in trouble.  Yesterday his response brought me to tears.  He said, "No miracle today, Mommy."

Even while I wanted to be the exception to the rule with the cramping, bleeding, and loss of symptoms, I knew I wouldn't be.  No miracle today. 

I went to get an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy.  My levels are now 53.  While devastated that this pregnancy is surly over, I am happy that I will be able to be able to drink an ice cold beer tonight. 

I really can't put into words how much your support, comments and prayers mean to me.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

Mmm... beer. 

 I'm back to my old post revivals.  I would love your comments, thoughts, and impressions!
Originally posted 1/10/11
I was beginning to really think long and hard about my life as a mother. I always pictured me with several children and here I was with one. One fantastic child but... one. I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet on my dreams of a large family but I had to decide how we were going to get there. I looked at various sites about adoption and read message board experiences with adopting and was starting to think that was the direction to go. Then, I came across a site that really spoiled my attitude about that plan. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings that choose or have chosen adoption. These are just my thoughts.

I was learning that the wait for adopting a newborn would be as long as or longer than a pregnancy. Learning this made me eager to sign up right away so that I wouldn't have to wait any longer than necessary to add to my family. Then, as I was surfing the net for agencies, attorneys I came across a page that listed babies that were available for adoption. Now. I read through the list that listed their info like male or female, open or closed adoption, locations, races, and if the birth mother was known to have used or is currently using drugs or alcohol. Then in the last column was the prices. All of the sudden it hit me. I was shopping online for a baby. Some were on sale (my words not theirs) due to maternal drug use, or other known or suspected medical issues. Some were more expensive because they were presumed to be healthy or the mother was expecting the adoptive parents to pay rent and or medical bills. I just couldn't believe that I would ever be able to chose a baby based on price or race or whatever other criterion I found to be of importance. I wanted God to choose for me and I wasn't sure how that would happen with adoption. I decided to table the adoption decision for a while until we got the results form our genetic testing back.

During the wait I did my share of "why me" questioning. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. Why did other women who weren't married, on drugs, already proven to be horrible parents, etc. get pregnant, often without "trying", and end up with a beautiful baby in their arms 9 months later? Here I was, a healthy, loving mother and wife who wanted nothing more than to conceive and keep a pregnancy that actually resulted in a live, screaming, crying baby. Then my husband said this. "Sometimes we have to realize that it isn't always about us."

At first I thought, "Are you kidding me? How is me miscarrying 6 times in a row not about us?!"

He went on to explain his thought. While I can't recall his exact wording the message was this. God is the one calling the shots. His plan for us may not have anything to do with us ending up with a second child or not. It could have everything to do with how our experience will somehow effect someone else's life.

I took that little nugget of thought with me as I went about my day to day activities. I really tried to focus more on how Doug's comments could really be true. I was shopping at Walmart for odds and ends but the primary reason for my trip was that I wanted to buy ovulation tests. Since I was there I picked up some groceries that we needed too. As I walked down an isle glancing at various dinner options I happened to notice a woman a few paces ahead of me. I then saw that she had dropped her grocery list. While I was lost in my thoughts most of the day, I took a moment to pick up the list, speed up a step or two, and ask her if she dropped her list. She looked at me and then at the list. She quickly gave an exhale of relief and thanked me profusely. A few seconds of small talk and a couple more smiles and we were both on our ways. Then I thought about it. "Maybe it isn't always about me." I know that I will never know that woman's story but I began to think about her. Perhaps, my interaction with her was just what she needed that day. Maybe she was depressed and feeling invisible. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe there was something very important on that list that she would have forgotten had I not been there to pick it up and retrieve it. Maybe that one item being forgotten could have changed her life. I know it sounds crazy since there are a million and a half "what ifs" but I needed to do this. Maybe the item she forgot would have made her go back out to the store again later and she would have been killed in a car accident. So, maybe, just maybe, my going to Walmart to buy ovulation tests saved that woman's life. If any of my pregnancies would have been successful I wouldn't have needed those tests and that interaction never would have taken place.

It may sound ridiculous to some but this is how I managed to lift the haze of my recurrent miscarriages. As I moved throughout my daily life I challenged myself, and still do, to interact with as many people as I can since I don't know who God intends me to meet or share my faith with. I find it to be really quite reassuring that my losses weren't for nothing. They could very well be about me deciding to write about my experiences today to impact one of you.

While it is so very tempting to think that God had me miscarry to teach me something, tell me something, or lead me somewhere, I have chosen to see it as God needing me to help him do something. I may never know what that something is but, wow, what an important job I have. I am so blessed.

I am so thankful that Doug shared his thoughts with me that day. His comment has really changed how I view my life, my relationship with God, and my purpose here on Earth.

Originally posted on 1/9/11.  Reviving some of my earliest posts that I wrote when I had 5 followers and one was me.  I will be mixing in some new posts in the coming days so it won't all be re-runs.  :)   

I struggle with writing about my Recurrent Pregnancy Losses. Not because it is too hard to re-live but because it really seems like writing the same story over and over again, six different times. Sometimes I would start bleeding after a few days. Sometimes I would make it a couple of weeks. Inevitably they all had the same ending. Some were a bit more dramatic like starting to bleed on Christmas Day a mere hour or two after announcing the pregnancy to family. Aside from my first miscarriage, my most mind blowing loss was the result of a doctors awful bedside manner.

I had been seeing a new doctor, a Reproductive Endocrinologist, named Dr. Mooney. My first appointment with Dr. Mooney was a memorable one. It was my first ever appointment with a doctor of any kind where I wasn't in a cold sterile room dressed in a flimsy paper sheet and an embarrassed smile since every time I would move it sounded like I was opening a Snickers bar. I was taken to an office. A real office with a desk, chairs, diplomas, and family pictures. I had always spent my time before an appointment wondering if my but crack was visible since I could never sufficiently cover both my front and my backside with the paper sheet. This time, I sat in a comfortable chair looking at pictures of my doctor with his family rather than a poster about menopause or how the uterus works. Dr. Mooney was a young guy, friendly, with a dry sense of humor. Just my kind of guy. I really had all my money riding on this guy. After a lot of talk I left with no answers but I did have hope. We had a plan for my next pregnancy.

A few weeks later, another positive test. I called the doctor and came in right away for the blood tests. I started twice daily injections of Lovenox as well as daily progesterone suppositories. I was thoroughly convinced that the Lovenox was my golden ticket to a take home baby. My HCG was rising. It wasn't doubling at quite the rate that would make most women convinced but it was adequate enough that the office scheduled my first ultrasound for 6.5 weeks. I was happy.

About a week later I noticed that I was losing my symptoms of pregnancy. Against better judgment, I took a pregnancy test and the pink line, while still there, was much lighter than it should have been at that point of pregnancy. In tears, I called the office and told them what was going on and they wanted me to come in right away for an ultrasound so they could see what was going on. Dr. Mooney was at their office in Columbus so I was going to have to see another doctor in the practice. I didn't mind. I just wanted to be, hopefully, reassured that my home pregnancy test was a fluke and that all was well.

I had to take Gavin with me all the way to the Akron office but the nurses told me ahead of time that it would be no problem to have him with me. They even, on the phone, offered to watch him while I was scanned. Once I arrived I was sent to a nicely decorated ultrasound room but no one was around or offered to take Gavin so I figured he could just sit with me in the room. I undressed and waited. After what seemed like an eternity, a man walked into the room. He grabbed the wand for the internal ultrasound and had it halfway inside of me before he introduced himself and shook my hand. That was likely the most awkward handshake I have ever had. Up until he told me who he was, I could have been being prodded by a janitor for all I knew. After about 45 seconds of looking around he removed the wand, stood up, walked to the door, and placed his hand on the knob. Looking in my general direction he said, "There is no sac in the uterus. Follow up with Dr. Mooney tomorrow to rule out ectopic pregnancy." He then made another movement as if to open the door to leave. I tried as hard as I could to contain my emotions. It was mostly for Gavin's sake who was sitting in his stroller in the corner of the room clueless, but also because I was so angry at this man I didn't want him to see me lose it. I tried to choke down the tears but as I took a deep breath I made that shaky inhale sound that clearly tells everyone within earshot that I was about to sob. He looked back over his shoulder and paused long enough to grab a tissue box, hand it to me, and pat me on the shoulder twice. Then he walked out of the room. Gee, thanks.

I sat in the room for a few minutes regaining what composure I could then walked out of the room down the hall to where they do the blood tests. The nurse there was very nice and gave Gavin a sticker (which he actually didn't want anything to do with) then to schedule with a another woman for a follow up appointment with Dr. Mooney. Whatever that horrible doctor's name was, Dr. Maybeajanitor perhaps, ought to be thankful for his very kind staff. Otherwise, I may never have set foot in that office again.

The pregnancy wasn't ectopic and Dr. Mooney was so much kinder and gentler with me. I did miscarry and the bleeding started moments after this appointment. I went home very seriously contemplating if I could even travel this road again. I was really at a turning point where I had to chose if I could handle another miscarriage or if maybe God's plan had Gavin as my only biological child.

I hadn't made up my mind but I started collecting information on adoption agencies.

Since I have been having a really hard time coming up with much to share, I am going to be reviving some of my earliest posts.  These may be some of my more emotional posts as I relive my journey to hopefully help someone else who sadly has traveled, is traveling or will travel a similar journey.  As always, I love comments, thoughts, and questions.   
        Originally posted on 1/7/11
Having Gavin around was a true joy. He was a dream baby who slept like an angel at night, napped well during the day and was generally a content baby whenever he was awake. Doug and I had decided that after a few short months that we were totally ready for another baby to join our family. It took a while for my cycles to get back to normal but as soon as they did we started trying.

A couple of weeks later I was running errands with Gavin and starting realizing that I was feeling...well... different. Could it be? Really? Already? It took us 8 months total to get pregnant with Gavin so... It couldn't be. Could it? I decided to pick up some pregnancy tests. Just in case. When I got home, I couldn't help but test. It was negative.

The next morning I tried again. This time it was undeniably positive. It was faint but it was definitely two pink lines staring back at me. I had tears of utter excitement welling up in my eyes. I was thrilled that I was going to get to enjoy pregnancy all over again. I picked up Gavin who was just 6 months old at the time and spun in circles. We both smiled and giggled. Granted it was for very different reasons but we we two very happy kids at that moment.

Now, to tell Doug! I decided that I was going to make a Big Brother sign for Gavin to hold. I would take a picture and then put it somewhere for Doug to see. I took about 10 pictures and picked my favorite one. I put it in a frame that was in our living room and waited patiently for Doug to come home from work. That was the longest afternoon ever! It is amazing how slow time passes when you have an exciting secret.

When he came home, I waited for him to see the frame. I waited and waited. Finally I started gesturing in that direction. Nothing. Then I decided to sit between him and the picture so that he would have to notice it. I watched his eyes as he talked to me and then I saw them lock on the wall behind me. He walked up to it, read it, and looked at me as shocked as I had been to see the two lines staring back at me. Hugs and a few tears on my part and thus began the journey all over again. We were having a baby!

A couple of weeks later I started spotting. I scoured the internet for stories of hope of spotting during pregnancy and read over and over again that it could be a miscarriage but spotting is quite common in pregnancy. Every site and resource agreed that as long as there wasn't any cramping and it wasn't a heavy flow then it was probably okay. I tried to stay calm and positive. A day or two later the spotting was turning into light bleeding. I decided it was time to call the doctor. The nurse told me that if I was bleeding then I was to go to the ER. So, off we went. I was taken back almost immediately and they ran some blood tests, gave me a urinary catheter so that they could do an ultrasound and check on baby. A little while later they took me to the ultrasound room. I was nervous but hopeful. I should have been just about 6 weeks pregnant at the time. As the technician started the scan she warned me that she would be unable to tell me anything about what she saw. I was so frustrated but I understood why. I watched her face intently hoping to catch a glimpse of her smile or purse her lips in a restrained frown. I saw nothing. It was as if she was reading a page out of the dictionary. After 20 minutes or so of being poked and prodded I was taken back to my room where Doug and I waited for the results.

After close to an hour a male nurse walked in and said, "I bet you are ready to go home!"

"Uh. Yeah. But I would like to know if I am miscarrying before we go."

"What?! The doctor hasn't talked to you yet?" he asked puzzled.

The doctor was then sent in to talk to us. "Congratulations! You are 6 weeks pregnant!" he said with a smile. He went on to explain what I already knew about spotting being common in pregnancy. They did hand me a piece of paper with big bold letter across the top that said "THREATENED MISCARRIAGE". My mouth dropped open and asked the nurse immediately what this was about. He explained that they always give that to anyone who is spotting or bleeding during pregnancy. I was relieved to hear this and was eager to get home to eat some lunch.

Over the next couple of days the bleeding didn't go away. In fact, it was picking up. I called my OB again as I was starting to lose hope. She was not as reassuring as the doctor at the ER was. She, very matter-of-factly, explained to me over the phone that I may be miscarrying. There was nothing we could do but wait. She did schedule me for an appointment a few days later though. I sobbed uncontrollably. I knew it was over but didn't want to let go. I had already envisioned what my life was going to be like with 2 kids. I had imagined this baby growing inside me and kicking me in a few months. I clung to an unrealistic hope that I was going to be one of those very rare success stories where everyone told them they were going to lose the baby but then discover a heartbeat. I would vacillate between thinking that I was still pregnant and utter heartbreaking realization that it was over.

That night I sat on the couch feeling very different. I wasn't sure what it felt like to be bloated but I thought maybe that is what I felt. I decided to go to the computer to google bloating but before I could go there I instantly had to go to the bathroom. I was undeniably losing the baby. I spent the majority of that night in and out of the bathroom. More in than out. I went to the doctor for my appointment and it was confirmed that I had miscarried but had retained some tissue and the sac was still in my uterus. I opted against the D&C and decided to take a series of pills that would make my uterus contract to hopefully expel the remaining tissue.

I went to the grocery store with a tear stained face. I decided that if I was going to take medicine to help me to deliver the tissue, which I had read could be quite uncomfortable, I was going to do what I could to make me feel better. I bought a bottle of red wine, hot dogs (since I wasn't pregnant anymore and could eat them again), dark chocolate, ice cream, and a big package on feminine pads. I think I actually chuckled as I put the items on the conveyor belt. What I sight I must have been.

By the next morning I had passed the tissue and what I presumed to be the sac. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to flush what should have been my second baby down the toilet so I put it in a plastic bag. Doug and I walked to the top of the hill near our house and dug a hole. We said a prayer and I cried. Again.

We walked back to the house to resume our lives. I knew that we would never be the same after that experience. There was something missing from my heart. There still is.

Last night I had an opportunity to participate in a twitter chat hosted by Unspoken Grief about why talking about perinatal loss is so taboo. While it was a really interesting topic of conversation, I must be too long winded (or whatever the typewritten equivalent is) to make a point in 150 characters or less. So, after the chat last night and thoughts lingering in my head today, I have a few theories.

The first is that people that have had losses aren't sure how to bring it up, when to bring it up, and who to bring it up to. When the WalMart Cashier offers the obligatory, "How are you today?" we may be thinking of nothing other than how we are still healing after the loss of a much wanted child but we say, "Fine. Thanks." If we run into an old friend at a grocery story and they ask us, "What's new?" it isn't easy to spill our emotions out in front of the cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli. We say, "Not much. You?" When our parents ask how we are feeling, we don't want to have them worry that we are are never going to crawl out of the dark place so we just say, "Doing okay. Still sad, but I'll manage." So, why don't we talk about our losses. I think we are trying to protect others from the sadness, hurt, and tears. We save those moments for when we are all alone.

Another theory is that there are a few things that people don't feel comfortable talking about. Bleeding from one's vagina is one of them. While we might say, "I had a miscarriage." and be talking about the emotional loss, someone who hasn't had a loss might think this comment is akin to saying, "Let me tell you about my menstrual cycle." Well, this is an awkward conversation to have now isn't it? If someone is having explosive diarrhea they would never dream of mentioning that in typical conversation with their next door neighbor. If they were asked about their health, for whatever reason, they would probably say they were having digestive issues or dealing with some "bug" that has been going around. They would never say that they have spent the last 3 days captive in the bathroom to the extent that there may be a permanent impression of the toilet seat encircling their nether regions. If they were gutsy enough to say, "I'm having diarrhea." The neighbor would probably give a sympathetic look and say, "Oh. I'm sorry. That really stinks." (no pun intended) Ironically, this would probably be almost the identical comment that the neighbor would make after being told about a miscarriage. Since no one wants to hear an apology similar to one that would be made for a horrid bout of the runs, we just skip mentioning it altogether.

Then there are the well meaning comments, and suggestions that no grieving mother wants to hear. So rather than subject ourselves to the advice, stories about people they know who had the same thing happen, and the "you'll have another baby" lines, we just keep our mouth clamped shut. Bring on the small talk so that we can get home and be alone with our thoughts.

For the past couple of years I have tried to be more open regarding my losses. When people ask me if I am going to have more children or learn that we are trying, I share my history. I don't get too in depth but I do tell people that I had 6 losses in between my two successful pregnancies. They do instantly give me the shocked look which is quickly followed by the sympathetic look. The shocked look isn't all that much different than the look I get when I say that I'll have as many children as God wants me to have. I hope that my sharing about my losses with help others not feel so awkward when it comes to talking about their own.

Do you talk about your loss(es)? Why or why not?

I must admit that while I would rather be an expert on today's fashions, quality photography, or financial investing, it appears that I am the go-to person when it comes to miscarriage. Believe it or not, I don't mind getting the phone calls from friends who find themselves in that horrible state of limbo where they know they are pregnant, are having spotting or bleeding, and just don't know what to do. My heart breaks for them and, to be honest, it makes me sad for myself that I know as much as I do. But, since I have gotten these phone calls more than once and I don't have very many friends, I know that there must be thousands of women who are looking for advice on what to do. Since they (or you) don't have my phone number, I will write my best advice here.

• Do not consult with Dr. Google!

I know I am probably already too late on that one since that is probably how you found this article. But really, stop surfing the net looking for hope or truth. You won't find the answer as to what is happening to you. Many people have bleeding and do not go on to lose the pregnancy. Many have the exact same bleeding and do miscarry. Reading everyone else's story of their bleeding in pregnancy will not tell you anything. It will only get you hopeful one minute and leave you crushed at your next click. No one can tell you how your story will turn out.

• Try to remain calm.

With as much as we want to know immediately if everything is going to be okay, there is nothing in early pregnancy that can be done immediately to determine if you are going to miscarry or not. If you are fairly certain of your dates of conception/ovulation and you should be beyond 6 1/2 weeks pregnant then you may be able to have an ultrasound that can determine if there is a heart beat. But, even if you do or do not see a heartbeat doesn't mean 100% that you are okay or not. So... most likely it is going to be a hurry up and wait process. Especially if you are between a missed period and 6 1/2 weeks. Click here to calculate how far along you are in your pregnancy.

• Call your OB (or GP if you do not already have an OB)

Depending on the practice and their standard procedure they will likely tell you one of two things. They might have you come in for a blood test. If they only order a Qualitatative test it will only give you a "yes or no" answer. This will not be helpful. Ensure that they order a Quantitative test. If they do this, they will be checking to see where your beta HCG is. This one number will not tell you anything significant at this point. They will likely have you come in for a second blood draw 48-72 hours later. It will be the the second blood draw that will be more helpful in determining viability of the pregnancy. There are several beta calculators that can be found online but my personal favorite it this one. Beta HCG Calculator.

If your doctor's office tells you there is nothing they can do (which ultimately is true) and to go to the ER or do nothing then my advice is this. Call them back. Be your own advocate. Of course, if you are miscarrying there is nothing really to do to "save" a pregnancy but they work for you. They can be more proactive if you push for it. Ask them for a beta series (as described above) to see if your numbers are rising or falling.

Again, in either scenario you have to sit tight and wait for the results of the blood tests. Some offices can get them back for you in the same day. Some won't receive them until the following day.

• Choosing whether or not to go to the ER is a tough call.

You may think that the ER is going to be the fast route to getting answers. This is not always the case. In the ER they will do the same blood test that can be done at a clinic or doctor's office. Which, as I explained, doesn't tell you anything until you have the results of the second draw 48-72 hours later. They may offer you an ultrasound but at least in my experience they clearly stated before even starting the ultrasound that they would not be showing me the screen. It was an uncomfortable silence for close to 20 minutes. Plus, like I said earlier, an ultrasound may or may not tell you anything. So, if you chose to go to the ER in hopes of being reassured just know that you may leave with very little additional info and a big bill for an ER visit. There is a chance that you will learn that everything is on track and baby is measuring well.

• While you are waiting do NOT consult Dr. Google!

I know I already said this but I really can't emphasize this enough. Stress is not good for you regardless of if you are pregnant or not. You will never walk away from the computer feeling great about what you have read. Checking your symptoms is not good either. For some people having a backache is early pregnancy is totally normal. For some it is a sign of miscarriage. The same can be said about just about every pregnancy symptom. Bottom line, as if I have not made it clear, Dr. Google is not a friend to you right now.

• Do not use tampons even if your bleeding is heavy like a period.
  

Tampons can introduce bacteria into your open cervix and result in an infection. Always use pads when bleeding during a pregnancy. This will also enable you to better describe the rate of bleeding should you be asked. The general rule for bleeding is that you should go to the ER if you are filling more than a pad per hour.

• Prayer is a wonderful thing!

Pray for God's will. Pray for patience, understanding, peace. He will hear you and answer your prayers.

In my years of trying to create my family, I have come across my share of women who have had what I believe to be bogus pregnancies. They fall into one of two categories. The innocent wishful thinkers and the attention seeking fakers.

The wishful thinkers are the one who are usually very new to the trying to conceive scene. They have never payed any attention to their cycles because the only part that ever mattered was when their period showed up. They worried that it would fall on the day of their much anticipated first date, or threaten to ruin a much needed vacation to the beach. If at any point in their cycle they got a headache, they took a Tylenol. If they had cramps, they took a Women's Tylenol. If their period was especially heavy they complained to their co workers about PMS and feeling lousy but, like most normal people, didn't inspect the contents of the toilet or the toilet paper.

As soon as they have unprotected sex for the first time they begin the frenzy of over analyzing every possible symptom of early pregnancy. Dr. Google tells them that some women have implantation cramping. Then, like they have never had before, they have some cramping! Then Dr. Google tells them that some women get headaches early in pregnancy due to the fluctuation in hormone levels. Then, oh my goodness! They have had a headache for the past few days, right? Then Dr. Google seals the pregnancy deal by saying that some women who miscarry very early will go on to have a normal period with cramps and possibly some clotting.

Sadly, a lot of women then, for some unknown reason, want to believe that they were pregnant. Even if it was just for a moment because all of those symptoms couldn't have been just a regular period showing up right on time. They must have been pregnant. Despite having taken pregnancy tests nearly every day and never getting a positive test, they are still convinced that they were pregnant.

It shouldn't bother me. I know. It isn't a contest but somehow I feel like my really early losses are regarded as me just being crazy and thinking I was pregnant. I totally understand the desire to be pregnant as much as the next girl but without at least a positive pregnancy test, there is no pregnancy. Otherwise, every month of trying could be interpreted as a miscarriage by someone who just really wants that baby but gets Aunt Flo instead.

Now the second category of fakers really gets my blood boiling. These are the women who knowingly never got a positive pregnancy test but claim they have. They may have really really wanted to see a line on a test. They may have even thought that maybe they could imagine a line on a test at one point. Granted, the cheap internet pregnancy tests that often will show a line where the positive line should be but it will never show up in the time limit when there is no real pregnancy. It can't be called a positive pregnancy test and anyone who uses those tests knows this.These women seem to just want people to feel bad for them and they think that accumulating miscarriages is the way to do it. Again, not a contest. But when I see this happen, I fear that people will think that I am doing this. I do not want a trophy for the most losses. I hope my number of losses stays right where it is. But, if I do have another loss along the way, I want people to know that I am being authentic. I will need support. I will not make up a miscarriage. It isn't fair to women who are going through the real thing every single day.

I am officially done venting. At least about this. For now.

One of the most frequent things I get asked or see women asking about on various message boards "I am not sure I could go through this again. How do I try again after a loss." I am sure that every woman who has had a loss would have a different answer since everyone deals with things differently. But, I can share how I managed to fall down 6 times and get back up 6 times.

• I had to choose what would be more painful, another loss or never having another baby.
  

That was a tough one for me. After the first few losses, I flirted with the idea of adoption but ultimately knew in my heart that I was willing to try almost anything to feel a baby kick in my tummy again. I knew how painful loss was but I knew that the joy of a child would far outweigh my hurt.

• I made a plan.

I had to have a plan for each cycle. Since I managed to fall pregnant so frequently (never longer than 4 months) I would try various supplements, fertility aids, vitamins, etc. It made me feel like I was at least trying to do something different. I thought that if I used different "tricks" then I would get different results. I also liked to know what my doctor was prepared to do as soon as I had my positive pregnancy test in hand. It helped me to feel more empowered to know, proactively, what the plan would be.

• I prayed.

I learned that asking God to let me stay pregnant wasn't working. Begging for a pregnancy test line to be darker or asking for my beta hcg numbers to be doubling weren't the right requests. I learned that I had to pray for God's will. I prayed that if it was God's will for me to stay pregnant that is what I very much desired. If it wasn't in His will, I prayed that God would hold me close and guide me through loss. I prayed for understanding and peace with whatever He had planned for me.

• I counted my blessings.

I knew that I had so much to be thankful for. The fact that I had my son, Gavin, was such a blessing to me. My losses helped me to appreciate what a miracle he really is. I really learned how lucky I was to have such a supportive husband who, while he grieved differently, always let me grieve in whatever way I needed to. I knew that if I was going to miscarry again that God had blessed me with a wonderful man who would love me through it all.

• I let God decide.

Quit or keep trying? God knows what we should do. If I ever really found myself wondering if I was strong enough to go through another loss, I asked Him. Thankfully God made me strong enough to go through 6 losses. Now, I find myself wondering if I am strong enough to handle any more losses. I hope I don't have to find out.

I know how hard it is to go through a pregnancy loss. I know that most women agree that a loss is a loss, regardless of when it happens in a pregnancy but I am thankful that I lost my pregnancies early. My heart breaks every time I hear about a late term loss or a still birth. I literally shed tears and my heart aches. It is almost more painful than my own early losses.

Then, on a whole other level of loss and pain, I read stories like that of the Staats family. I read this woman's blog last night and cried so hard for her that I had to take breaks so that I could catch my breath. I couldn't even tell Doug what I was reading because words couldn't come out of my mouth.

Last night, with a tired and tear stained face, I was slowly drifting off to sleep. A few a moments later I was awakened by Joey. I went to his room and gave him the pacifier that had fallen from his mouth and tiptoed out of the room. I crawled back to bed eager to get warm and comfortable again to be awakened by his cries. I went into his room, calmed him again, and just stood there. I cried for Maddie's mom. I was calming my fussy baby, initially frustrated by my desire for sleep, only to recognize how many women were crying in their beds because of having an empty crib with no crying baby.

I took a few moments and prayed for all of these women. I prayed that they find peace and that they look to God for His comfort. Then, I thanked God for all of my blessings. It is easy to take for granted all of the wonderful things we have and I have to thank Maddie for reminding me to hold my boys just a little bit closer for just a little bit longer.

I heard this song today while I was working out and it brought me to tears. I had to share this.

Since I was a little girl, like most other little girls, I always wanted to be a mom. I do remember thinking that being pregnant would be quite scary. Not because I would be responsible for another life but for the fact that there would be a human living inside of me for 9 months, kicking me the whole time. Then there was the issue of needing to push that human out of a very small hole. How frightening. Little did I know how much I would love being pregnant.

I won't pretend like I enjoyed throwing up routinely. I didn't particularly like the hip and back pain especially when trying to get some rest. Also not a big fan of needing to go to the bathroom more often than those people on the commercials with urinary frequency issues. Along those lines, I also didn't enjoy having to clench every muscle I had when I sneezed to prevent peeing myself and needing to carry extra underwear, like my 2 year old, in the event a sneeze snuck up on me. What I just can't seem to get enough of is the awareness of the amazing miracle that is taking place during a pregnancy. The fact that 2 microscopic things came together and forms a human being complete with functioning organs and limbs grown inside of me. Then we get to meet this little person that is part of us. To me, it is just almost too profound and thrilling to put it into words. Just miraculous.

So, while most families these days would be finished after having two children I just can't imagine living the rest of my life without getting to experience pregnancy again... at least once. I certainly have my hands full with two children but I am eager to expand our family. Since my cycles have returned to pretty close to normal we have actively started trying for number three.

With as much as I want to have more babies I must admit that I fear getting pregnant. I am so hopeful that my history of recurrent miscarriages is behind me since discovering the Welcome Womb, but my rational brain also reminds me that just because I had a successful pregnancy using the herbs, doesn't mean the herbs are what did it. Could have just been coexisting variables but I truly hope that wasn't the case. Nevertheless, even if I do have to go down the road of miscarriage again, I know that the journey is so worth experiencing the miracle of life again.

With my previous losses I thought that if I prayed hard enough, often enough, and sincere enough I would finally get to stay pregnant and have a baby. Each time that I would start spotting, lose my symptoms, or lose hope that the pregnancy was progressing I would find myself asking God, "Please. Please. Please let me stay pregnant. We want this baby. Please make the bleeding stop and let everything be okay." When I would go on to miscarry, I wouldn't be angry at God, just confused as to why he didn't give me what I asked for. Then it occurred to me that God isn't Santa Claus. He isn't a genie in a lamp. He doesn't grant wishes or command little elves to perform miracles. He gives us only what we need and what He wills us to have. It was really hard, at first, to pray for God's will knowing full well that it may be His will for me to never have a second child. But, I knew that His will was what I should ask for. I also began asking for patience and understanding for when His will isn't easy for me to handle.

We prayed for God's will every night. I also began using the Welcome Womb that arrived in the mail after just a few days. I used it immediately. After less than 48 hours of using the herbs, my blood HCG went from barely doubling to clearly doubling and then some. It could have been a fluke but it gave me a confidence I had never had before. When I told Doug about the results of the most recent blood test and how I was starting to think that these herbs were going to work he reminded me that, "God gives us all that is green." Ironically, I was willing to eat grass from the yard had I thought it would keep me pregnant.

Each morning and night I would take the herbs. They are simply awful tasting. Just thinking about the taste kind of makes me gag. But I choked them down using whatever means necessary. I tried taking them like a shot- not recommended. I tried them in fruit juices- also disgusting. I settled on strongly brewed peppermint tea with a lot of honey. It still wasn't tasty but I could get it down.

A couple of weeks later we went to Dr. Mooney's office for a viability ultrasound. I was about 6 weeks 4 days. Within seconds of starting the ultrasound we saw the little baby with a flicker of a heartbeat. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry that we finally got to see a baby. Then Dr. Mooney pushed a few buttons and all of the sudden the room was filled with the sound of our little baby's heartbeat echoing all around us. I never thought that day would come. Just as soon as I was ready to celebrate by doing a hula dance wearing nothing but the stunning paper sheet, Dr. Mooney reminded us, "This is a great start but we aren't out of the woods yet."

Ah. Sweet reality.

In October of 2010, Doug and I would be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary. It was hard to imagine that 4 years had already passed. I guess the saying holds true that time flies when you are having fun. According to my charts and calendars I was also due to ovulate on our anniversary so I figured that we would at least have a chance of having another positive pregnancy test in a few weeks. If we didn't, we had our appointment to receive the results from our genetic testing at beginning of November. Our anniversary was right around the corner and Doug broke the news to me that he has to be in Canada for business. At first I was sad just to learn that he would be away for our anniversary. Then I was a little extra heartbroken that I was going to ovulate when I was home all alone. Another month was going to pass with no baby 9 months later but again, at least we would be getting some answers. Well, I had hoped so.

If I wasn't already convinced that God has his hand in everything then I was that month. I was taking my temperature every morning and as Doug was out of town I waited for my temperature to rise indicating, for sure, that we had missed our chance. My temperature slowly ticked upward each morning but not enough that I could throw in the towel for that month. It was Friday and Doug was due home that night so on a whim, I took and ovulation test only to get the most positive result I had ever had in my 18 months of trying. I called Doug and made sure he "saved some energy" for when he came home. The rest of the month, I continued to take my temperature but never, unlike every other month in my charting career, had a significant rise in temperature. I had no idea if or when I really ovulated since all I could go on was one OPK.

A little less than 2 weeks later I was eager for Doug and I to meet with Dr. Mooney to get the results from the testing. I was sure that something must be wrong with one or both of us. I certainly didn't want this to be the case but at least with that information in hand, we could get a real handle on what was happening and what our options were. The day before the appointment I took a home pregnancy test just to rule out, for sure, that we were pregnant. There appeared a ghostly shadow of a line.

"Seriously?!" I asked myself. "Again?!"

I wanted more than anything to be pregnant but I was sure that I was just going to miscarry. Again.

The next day, I took another test and the line was darker! I had unavoidable feelings of hopefulness but with an overwhelming sense of dread. It was like driving in fog to an unknown destination. But into that car I climbed. For now, the destination was Dr. Mooney's office for the results.

Normal. Both normal. Unbelievable. We must have the worst luck in the world! Still no explanation for 6 consecutive losses and here we are with yet another, likely doomed, pregnancy. We talked with Dr. Mooney about what to do with the next cycle if/when we miscarried again.

We talked about green beans. Canned green beans. No joke. I asked him if there was anything I could do to improve the quality of my eggs and he referred to my eggs as 33 year old canned green beans. There was nothing I could do to make them younger, look better, or more appealing. At my request, he agreed that we could try Clomid to try to produce a couple more eggs. I think his words were, "Sure. We can throw a few more at the wall and see if at least one will stick. It would improve the odds, I suppose."

Before leaving we did talk about our plan of action with the current pregnancy on the off chance we could make it last. I decided to not use the progesterone suppositories since they hadn't worked in the past and all they seemed to do was prolong the inevitable miscarriage by tricking my body into thinking I was still pregnant. We were also going to skip the Lovenox injections since they were very expensive, not fun to administer to oneself, and failed to keep me pregnant the last time. I decided that I was just going to take my vitamins and baby aspirin. Then, I asked Dr. Mooney about herbs. He said that he didn't think that there was any harm in trying but without saying as much, I don't think he had much faith in them.

That afternoon I ordered the herbs that claimed to prevent miscarriage. I had read testimonials from women that had used these herbs and went on to have happy and healthy pregnancies so I figured, why not give it a shot. Nothing else had worked. I ordered the herbs and waited for them to arrive.