Originally posted on 1/9/11.  Reviving some of my earliest posts that I wrote when I had 5 followers and one was me.  I will be mixing in some new posts in the coming days so it won't all be re-runs.  :)   

I struggle with writing about my Recurrent Pregnancy Losses. Not because it is too hard to re-live but because it really seems like writing the same story over and over again, six different times. Sometimes I would start bleeding after a few days. Sometimes I would make it a couple of weeks. Inevitably they all had the same ending. Some were a bit more dramatic like starting to bleed on Christmas Day a mere hour or two after announcing the pregnancy to family. Aside from my first miscarriage, my most mind blowing loss was the result of a doctors awful bedside manner.

I had been seeing a new doctor, a Reproductive Endocrinologist, named Dr. Mooney. My first appointment with Dr. Mooney was a memorable one. It was my first ever appointment with a doctor of any kind where I wasn't in a cold sterile room dressed in a flimsy paper sheet and an embarrassed smile since every time I would move it sounded like I was opening a Snickers bar. I was taken to an office. A real office with a desk, chairs, diplomas, and family pictures. I had always spent my time before an appointment wondering if my but crack was visible since I could never sufficiently cover both my front and my backside with the paper sheet. This time, I sat in a comfortable chair looking at pictures of my doctor with his family rather than a poster about menopause or how the uterus works. Dr. Mooney was a young guy, friendly, with a dry sense of humor. Just my kind of guy. I really had all my money riding on this guy. After a lot of talk I left with no answers but I did have hope. We had a plan for my next pregnancy.

A few weeks later, another positive test. I called the doctor and came in right away for the blood tests. I started twice daily injections of Lovenox as well as daily progesterone suppositories. I was thoroughly convinced that the Lovenox was my golden ticket to a take home baby. My HCG was rising. It wasn't doubling at quite the rate that would make most women convinced but it was adequate enough that the office scheduled my first ultrasound for 6.5 weeks. I was happy.

About a week later I noticed that I was losing my symptoms of pregnancy. Against better judgment, I took a pregnancy test and the pink line, while still there, was much lighter than it should have been at that point of pregnancy. In tears, I called the office and told them what was going on and they wanted me to come in right away for an ultrasound so they could see what was going on. Dr. Mooney was at their office in Columbus so I was going to have to see another doctor in the practice. I didn't mind. I just wanted to be, hopefully, reassured that my home pregnancy test was a fluke and that all was well.

I had to take Gavin with me all the way to the Akron office but the nurses told me ahead of time that it would be no problem to have him with me. They even, on the phone, offered to watch him while I was scanned. Once I arrived I was sent to a nicely decorated ultrasound room but no one was around or offered to take Gavin so I figured he could just sit with me in the room. I undressed and waited. After what seemed like an eternity, a man walked into the room. He grabbed the wand for the internal ultrasound and had it halfway inside of me before he introduced himself and shook my hand. That was likely the most awkward handshake I have ever had. Up until he told me who he was, I could have been being prodded by a janitor for all I knew. After about 45 seconds of looking around he removed the wand, stood up, walked to the door, and placed his hand on the knob. Looking in my general direction he said, "There is no sac in the uterus. Follow up with Dr. Mooney tomorrow to rule out ectopic pregnancy." He then made another movement as if to open the door to leave. I tried as hard as I could to contain my emotions. It was mostly for Gavin's sake who was sitting in his stroller in the corner of the room clueless, but also because I was so angry at this man I didn't want him to see me lose it. I tried to choke down the tears but as I took a deep breath I made that shaky inhale sound that clearly tells everyone within earshot that I was about to sob. He looked back over his shoulder and paused long enough to grab a tissue box, hand it to me, and pat me on the shoulder twice. Then he walked out of the room. Gee, thanks.

I sat in the room for a few minutes regaining what composure I could then walked out of the room down the hall to where they do the blood tests. The nurse there was very nice and gave Gavin a sticker (which he actually didn't want anything to do with) then to schedule with a another woman for a follow up appointment with Dr. Mooney. Whatever that horrible doctor's name was, Dr. Maybeajanitor perhaps, ought to be thankful for his very kind staff. Otherwise, I may never have set foot in that office again.

The pregnancy wasn't ectopic and Dr. Mooney was so much kinder and gentler with me. I did miscarry and the bleeding started moments after this appointment. I went home very seriously contemplating if I could even travel this road again. I was really at a turning point where I had to chose if I could handle another miscarriage or if maybe God's plan had Gavin as my only biological child.

I hadn't made up my mind but I started collecting information on adoption agencies.

I have posted before about how I went through so much testing and wild attempts to "save" my pregnancies. All the tests came back normal, aside from the MTHFR and the PAI-1, but nothing that clearly explained my losses. I tried the progesterone, prescription Folic Acid, and the Lovenox and nothing did the trick. I know that so many other women are in the same position I am with recurrent losses and nothing in the way of an explanation. Doug and I talked about how there are just so many things that may or may not contribute to a possible miscarriage. There is just no way for any doctor to possible know all of the things to even test for. Our bodies are so intricate and complicated that there must be a million different possible "glitches" that could take place that results in a loss.

This may seem oddly placed but let me tell you a little bit about my morning. After waking up earlier than I would have liked I changed Joey's diaper. He has been fighting a bit of a diaper rash so I put some Calmoseptine on his bottom and then since that stuff is like Spackle, I used a wipe to get the remaining cream off of my finger. I then headed to the kitchen to get breakfast ready. After prepping 3 different unique breakfasts, I had made a bit of a mess so cleaned up with some Mr. Clean (with Febreeze). Then after eating I went to get ready to go to my exercise class. Brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on deodorant, etc. and got dressed.

Pretty mundane as far as morning routines go but lets go back and think about what I really did. In a matter of about 40 minutes my skin absorbed the chemicals of the diaper cream, the wipes, the kitchen cleaner, the toothpaste, face wash, deodorant, and when I put on my clothes I was coming into contact with the laundry detergent, fabric softener, and dryer sheets. Interestingly enough, I just realized today that the Mr. Clean Kitchen and Bathroom cleaner says that if it is used on any surface in which food comes into direct contact a rinse is required. So from now on I have to clean up my kitchen after I use my kitchen cleaner. Great news.

I don't think that God designed our bodies to come into contact with so many chemicals. We are soaking up so many things that our bodies just don't know what to do with. I am going to make it a goal of mine to get back to basics as much as possible. I want to use only the products that my 98 year old grandmother used in her youth. I don't know if this has anything to do with my losses but I do know that limiting my exposure, and the boys' exposure, to toxins can't hurt them. And while there is no way of knowing, maybe, just maybe, this will help protect my future children, too.

I have mentioned using Welcome Womb in my other posts but haven't really spent too much time really talking about it. I am a bit scared to talk about it too much since I know that just because I used it once and had a healthy pregnancy, doesn't mean that it is a miracle cure to recurrent losses. But, on the other hand, I feel guilty keeping it a secret if there are other women who want to try it. I have decided that rather than tip-toe around my use of the herbs, I am going to go ahead and shout from the rooftops that it saved my pregnancy and I couldn't be happier that I tried it. I am almost convinced that without it, I would not have had my Joseph.

I had every test to try and diagnose a cause for my recurrent losses. My GP, OB, and RE all ran various tests searching for a reason that I couldn't stay pregnant for more than a few weeks. Aside from being heterozygous for MTHFR and PAI-1, they were all in normal ranges. My RE prescribed progesterone suppositories that I used from Ovulation on and when I got pregnant I continued the suppositories. I kept testing to see if the lines on the pregnancy tests would get darker and they did. For a while. Then they stopped. As they got lighter, I knew that the only reason I wasn't bleeding was the progesterone. They ran a blood test and confirmed that I had miscarried. As soon as I stopped the progesterone, I bled.

The next time I tried lovenox injection and the progesterone. Same thing happened. I miscarried again. Over the 18 months of trying, getting pregnant, and miscarrying, I had tried every combination and variation of medical methods to stay pregnant. Nothing was working. I was so devastated. I was so tired of getting "pregnant" only to have a week of hormonal outbursts and stress only to end with spotting, bleeding, or betas dropping. I had quit thinking of cute ways to tell my husband that I was pregnant. I would simply show him a positive test and tell him not to get too excited. I was just tired of the roller coaster.

I had read on a message board about Welcome Womb where women had tried it and stayed pregnant. After being willing to inject myself with blood thinners leaving bruises all over myself, and shoving progesterone in places that are rarely discussed outside of TTC (trying to conceive), and swallowing handfuls of pills, vitamins, and any other suggested item, why would I stop at herbs?

When I got pregnant again I told my RE that I didn't want to do the Lovenox. He agreed. I told him that I didn't want to use the progesterone. If I was going to bleed, I wanted to just bleed. I didn't want to have to wonder if I had lost the baby but just wasn't bleeding because of the suppositories. He thought I should use the Progesterone but wouldn't think I was horrible if I opted out. I did opt out. I took my vitamins, baby aspirin, and folic acid and started the Welcome Womb as soon as it arrived in the mail.

My first 2 betas were done before I was able to to start the herbs. They were 14.5 on 12 dpo, 24.5 on 14dpo, and then 51.4 on 16dpo. I started the herbs the afternoon of 16dpo. On 18dpo my beta jumped to 124. I have to think that it was the herbs that helped my HCG finally climb to the levels they were supposed to be. Then, I actually made it far enough to schedule my first ultrasound to hopefully see a heartbeat.

When I was 6 weeks 4 days pregnant I went to the RE and, for the first time since Gavin, I heard that breathtaking sound of a heartbeat. The fact that Joseph is here now is all the proof I needed that the Welcome Womb worked for me. This time.

I fully intend on trying it again when I get pregnant. I am not selling Welcome Womb. I am not affiliated with the company in any way. I am just a mother who was able to bring home a baby after losing 6 in a row. How can I not want to share this possible solution to recurrent losses with everyone? I am not saying that it will work for everyone and I did use it with my doctor's blessing. I am now looking forward to learning if it will work a second time. I will post my experiences when I have an opportunity to try it again.



God gives us all that is green.

In October of 2010, Doug and I would be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary. It was hard to imagine that 4 years had already passed. I guess the saying holds true that time flies when you are having fun. According to my charts and calendars I was also due to ovulate on our anniversary so I figured that we would at least have a chance of having another positive pregnancy test in a few weeks. If we didn't, we had our appointment to receive the results from our genetic testing at beginning of November. Our anniversary was right around the corner and Doug broke the news to me that he has to be in Canada for business. At first I was sad just to learn that he would be away for our anniversary. Then I was a little extra heartbroken that I was going to ovulate when I was home all alone. Another month was going to pass with no baby 9 months later but again, at least we would be getting some answers. Well, I had hoped so.

If I wasn't already convinced that God has his hand in everything then I was that month. I was taking my temperature every morning and as Doug was out of town I waited for my temperature to rise indicating, for sure, that we had missed our chance. My temperature slowly ticked upward each morning but not enough that I could throw in the towel for that month. It was Friday and Doug was due home that night so on a whim, I took and ovulation test only to get the most positive result I had ever had in my 18 months of trying. I called Doug and made sure he "saved some energy" for when he came home. The rest of the month, I continued to take my temperature but never, unlike every other month in my charting career, had a significant rise in temperature. I had no idea if or when I really ovulated since all I could go on was one OPK.

A little less than 2 weeks later I was eager for Doug and I to meet with Dr. Mooney to get the results from the testing. I was sure that something must be wrong with one or both of us. I certainly didn't want this to be the case but at least with that information in hand, we could get a real handle on what was happening and what our options were. The day before the appointment I took a home pregnancy test just to rule out, for sure, that we were pregnant. There appeared a ghostly shadow of a line.

"Seriously?!" I asked myself. "Again?!"

I wanted more than anything to be pregnant but I was sure that I was just going to miscarry. Again.

The next day, I took another test and the line was darker! I had unavoidable feelings of hopefulness but with an overwhelming sense of dread. It was like driving in fog to an unknown destination. But into that car I climbed. For now, the destination was Dr. Mooney's office for the results.

Normal. Both normal. Unbelievable. We must have the worst luck in the world! Still no explanation for 6 consecutive losses and here we are with yet another, likely doomed, pregnancy. We talked with Dr. Mooney about what to do with the next cycle if/when we miscarried again.

We talked about green beans. Canned green beans. No joke. I asked him if there was anything I could do to improve the quality of my eggs and he referred to my eggs as 33 year old canned green beans. There was nothing I could do to make them younger, look better, or more appealing. At my request, he agreed that we could try Clomid to try to produce a couple more eggs. I think his words were, "Sure. We can throw a few more at the wall and see if at least one will stick. It would improve the odds, I suppose."

Before leaving we did talk about our plan of action with the current pregnancy on the off chance we could make it last. I decided to not use the progesterone suppositories since they hadn't worked in the past and all they seemed to do was prolong the inevitable miscarriage by tricking my body into thinking I was still pregnant. We were also going to skip the Lovenox injections since they were very expensive, not fun to administer to oneself, and failed to keep me pregnant the last time. I decided that I was just going to take my vitamins and baby aspirin. Then, I asked Dr. Mooney about herbs. He said that he didn't think that there was any harm in trying but without saying as much, I don't think he had much faith in them.

That afternoon I ordered the herbs that claimed to prevent miscarriage. I had read testimonials from women that had used these herbs and went on to have happy and healthy pregnancies so I figured, why not give it a shot. Nothing else had worked. I ordered the herbs and waited for them to arrive.