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Original post date was 2/7/11
There was a time when I would go to a doctor when I had a health problem and I would just follow their instructions because, well, they are the doctors. They have letters after their name that is supposed to tell me that they know more than me, right? In the past few years I have changed my thinking on this.

I started charting my cycles when I wanted to conceive my first baby. Within a few weeks I really learned how amazing our bodies are and how much they really tell us on a day to day basis. When I got pregnant, I stopped charting (as anyone who charts will tell you to do once you get your positive pregnancy test) until a couple of months after I got my cycles back. Much to my surprise, I had another positive home pregnancy test with my first chart! When I went to the Emergency Room due to the spotting that had really turned more into bleeding, the doctor told me that I was 6 weeks pregnant. I told him that according to my ovulation, I should be about 6 weeks and 3 days. I know that measuring 3 days off on an early ultrasound is not cause for alarm but I thought it was worth mentioning. The doctor gave me a quick grin and told me that I couldn't really know when I ovulated. I told him that I had been charting and I did know when I ovulated according to my temperature, fertility signs, and ovulation pains that happen (for me) a couple of days leading up to my ovulation. He said, "Oh. Okay." in a way that clearly told me that he didn't believe me but wasn't going to debate it.

After my second loss I went in to see my doctor. I asked my OB about using Welcome Womb herbs to prevent miscarriage she dismissed my idea without further consideration. She did give me some line about how herbs aren't FDA regulated and therefore shouldn't be used since there haven't been studies (with government oversight) to determine what they actually do. So, her plan of action was going to be to run some tests when I got pregnant again, meaning beta hcg and progesterone. As most of you know, and I know now, running those tests doesn't keep anyone pregnant. The progesterone may be able to be improved if it is low but that wasn't going to tell me anything. Well, despite having doubling (just barely) hcg numbers and progesterone within normal limits, that pregnancy was lost as well.

After several more months of charts under my belt, and a couple more losses, I went to my OB armed with questions. I wanted to know why I was losing the pregnancies. This was the first time that when I wasn't satisfied with an answer, I continued to ask for more clarification, explanation, and information. After a few questions where my doctor couldn't answer to my satisfaction, she finally was willing to admit that she didn't know the answer. That was a major turning point in my relationship with my doctor. In a good way. Now, my doctor was nothing more that a woman a few years older than me who read some books in college that taught her what she knows. She and I just read different books. We began working together to figure out how to proceed. It was no longer me just nodding and wondering what I was going to do next. We were a team. A team that decided it was time to go to a specialist. A Reproductive Endocrinologist. With a name like that, I had to get some answers!

Well, I didn't. But again, I asked my questions and didn't stop until I was satisfied with his answers. I like Dr. Mooney, a lot, because he really took his time to talk, explain, and clarify and didn't seem to get a bruised ego if I questioned his opinions. Again, I developed a great relationship with my doctor because I refused to think of him as anything other than a guy who read different books than me.

I don't want anyone to think that I am not appreciative of doctors. I have a lot of respect for them since, I am sure, medical school isn't a piece of cake. I just wish that more people could recognize that doctors, while highly educated and skilled, are really just people. They lose their car keys, misplace their television remote, and burn dinner. They probably have cried themselves to sleep once. They have probably been an a car accident that was their own fault. I remind myself of this every time I walk into a doctor's office. I can't be intimidated by them and I can't assume they have all of the answers. I need to be able to communicate with them so that, together, we can solve whatever problem we have using both of our brains.

When I decided, with Dr. Mooney's knowledge and blessing, to try the Welcome Womb and went on to have a happy and healthy pregnancy, I couldn't help but wonder that if I hadn't just gracefully accepted my OB's opinion on herbs, if my whole life would have been different. I know that everything happens for a reason and that if I had tried the herbs and they had worked, I wouldn't have my dear sweet Joseph who is worth everything I went through. Still makes me wonder though.

Originally posted on 1/9/11.  Reviving some of my earliest posts that I wrote when I had 5 followers and one was me.  I will be mixing in some new posts in the coming days so it won't all be re-runs.  :)   

I struggle with writing about my Recurrent Pregnancy Losses. Not because it is too hard to re-live but because it really seems like writing the same story over and over again, six different times. Sometimes I would start bleeding after a few days. Sometimes I would make it a couple of weeks. Inevitably they all had the same ending. Some were a bit more dramatic like starting to bleed on Christmas Day a mere hour or two after announcing the pregnancy to family. Aside from my first miscarriage, my most mind blowing loss was the result of a doctors awful bedside manner.

I had been seeing a new doctor, a Reproductive Endocrinologist, named Dr. Mooney. My first appointment with Dr. Mooney was a memorable one. It was my first ever appointment with a doctor of any kind where I wasn't in a cold sterile room dressed in a flimsy paper sheet and an embarrassed smile since every time I would move it sounded like I was opening a Snickers bar. I was taken to an office. A real office with a desk, chairs, diplomas, and family pictures. I had always spent my time before an appointment wondering if my but crack was visible since I could never sufficiently cover both my front and my backside with the paper sheet. This time, I sat in a comfortable chair looking at pictures of my doctor with his family rather than a poster about menopause or how the uterus works. Dr. Mooney was a young guy, friendly, with a dry sense of humor. Just my kind of guy. I really had all my money riding on this guy. After a lot of talk I left with no answers but I did have hope. We had a plan for my next pregnancy.

A few weeks later, another positive test. I called the doctor and came in right away for the blood tests. I started twice daily injections of Lovenox as well as daily progesterone suppositories. I was thoroughly convinced that the Lovenox was my golden ticket to a take home baby. My HCG was rising. It wasn't doubling at quite the rate that would make most women convinced but it was adequate enough that the office scheduled my first ultrasound for 6.5 weeks. I was happy.

About a week later I noticed that I was losing my symptoms of pregnancy. Against better judgment, I took a pregnancy test and the pink line, while still there, was much lighter than it should have been at that point of pregnancy. In tears, I called the office and told them what was going on and they wanted me to come in right away for an ultrasound so they could see what was going on. Dr. Mooney was at their office in Columbus so I was going to have to see another doctor in the practice. I didn't mind. I just wanted to be, hopefully, reassured that my home pregnancy test was a fluke and that all was well.

I had to take Gavin with me all the way to the Akron office but the nurses told me ahead of time that it would be no problem to have him with me. They even, on the phone, offered to watch him while I was scanned. Once I arrived I was sent to a nicely decorated ultrasound room but no one was around or offered to take Gavin so I figured he could just sit with me in the room. I undressed and waited. After what seemed like an eternity, a man walked into the room. He grabbed the wand for the internal ultrasound and had it halfway inside of me before he introduced himself and shook my hand. That was likely the most awkward handshake I have ever had. Up until he told me who he was, I could have been being prodded by a janitor for all I knew. After about 45 seconds of looking around he removed the wand, stood up, walked to the door, and placed his hand on the knob. Looking in my general direction he said, "There is no sac in the uterus. Follow up with Dr. Mooney tomorrow to rule out ectopic pregnancy." He then made another movement as if to open the door to leave. I tried as hard as I could to contain my emotions. It was mostly for Gavin's sake who was sitting in his stroller in the corner of the room clueless, but also because I was so angry at this man I didn't want him to see me lose it. I tried to choke down the tears but as I took a deep breath I made that shaky inhale sound that clearly tells everyone within earshot that I was about to sob. He looked back over his shoulder and paused long enough to grab a tissue box, hand it to me, and pat me on the shoulder twice. Then he walked out of the room. Gee, thanks.

I sat in the room for a few minutes regaining what composure I could then walked out of the room down the hall to where they do the blood tests. The nurse there was very nice and gave Gavin a sticker (which he actually didn't want anything to do with) then to schedule with a another woman for a follow up appointment with Dr. Mooney. Whatever that horrible doctor's name was, Dr. Maybeajanitor perhaps, ought to be thankful for his very kind staff. Otherwise, I may never have set foot in that office again.

The pregnancy wasn't ectopic and Dr. Mooney was so much kinder and gentler with me. I did miscarry and the bleeding started moments after this appointment. I went home very seriously contemplating if I could even travel this road again. I was really at a turning point where I had to chose if I could handle another miscarriage or if maybe God's plan had Gavin as my only biological child.

I hadn't made up my mind but I started collecting information on adoption agencies.

Today started bright and early and almost frantic. If I was more organized I would have had bags packed for the boys, who were going to be enjoying a day at the pool, but instead I ran around like crazy at the last minute. I got everyone out the door and to the pool with enough time to get the boys set up with my in-laws and slide back into the truck for the appointment with Dr. M. I tend to get stressed out easily about the littlest things, like did I remember to leave sunblock for the boys? Did I put the milk in the fridge? I must have forgotten something? Oh well. Too late now. It is time for some answers! I drove the 20 miles to the office, sipping on a diet tasteless beverage and enjoyed actually hearing the uninterrupted lyrics of the radio. Then, when it dawned on me where I was actually going and what I was potentially about to hear, my heart started racing. I got unbelievably nervous.

I walked quickly through the parking lot past all of the handicapped parking spaces and valets and walked quickly to the elevators. I remembered the way and was vividly recalling the nervous excitement I used to have when I was going to ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Joey. This time, I lacked the excitement. I felt more like I was walking toward the lobster tank at a grocery store. For some people they would be excited about a seafood dinner. For me, it just makes my stomach turn and while I can tolerate the salty smell, I certainly don't look forward to it. I open the door and enter the small waiting area. When I say small, I mean there is a love seat sofa awkwardly pushed against a wall and about 8 chairs along the other 3 walls. When there are people sitting on both sides of the room, feet are about 6 inches from touching toes. Somehow they manage to have a water cooler, magazine rack and the signature candy dish too.

I told the kind lady at the window my name and chose a seat closest to the door. In fact, so close to the door that when I crossed my legs, I was tucking my toes on the door frame so that if someone walked in they wouldn't get inadvertently kicked. I then casually searched around the room trying to read the faces of the other patients. There were two couples and another woman sitting, leafing through magazines. While most people would just see anxious faces catching up on some celebrity gossip I saw something very different. Each woman had a gauge floating above their heads clearly indicating if their uterus was empty or full. Of course, I have no way of telling if I was right, but I swear I could tell if they were there for an ultrasound of their little bean(s) or if they were there for something else. Above my head floated a gauge clearly indicating I was running on empty.

One by one, the patients were called back to see the doctor and I read up on all of the celebrity babies and the fashion disasters of Hollywood. Then... finally... I heard my name and looked up to see my doctor standing at the doorway. We went to his office and sat down. It was at this moment that my heart started racing and I started to have flashbacks to my public speaking course in college (that I had to retake because I failed the first time). I began to tell the story of the last year chronologically all the while my voice felt shaky. Once I wrapped up the short version of the story and had it all out on the table, I waited for the tell tale nod or shake of the head indicating that the next 2 years of my life were going to be spent without a baby bump.

I looked at Dr. M's face and tried to decipher his crooked quizzical look as he made notes on my file. He stood from the table walked to a bookshelf and said, "You don't need to wait."

"REALLY!?" I questioned.

Really. I have been given the thumbs up to try and he also doesn't think that Doug's sperm counts will be significantly impacted by the drugs either! He is going to do a semen analysis to see where things are anyway, but after all of the turmoil I put myself through in the last weeks and months, this is the best news I could have imagined. Just one more reason why Dr. Google is not the way to go.

Granted, this news doesn't make me any more pregnant than I was yesterday but I have so much more hope than I had before. My tank might be on empty but I am totally allowed to get a fill up! As we were walking out of the office together, I had to make sure I heard him right. I shared that I should be ovulating as early as today and wanted to make sure that we could try. He, again, said yes. I was shocked and thrilled.

And just because it made us laugh, I'll share with you... Gavin has been on a kick where whenever he hears the word "try" he says, "Yoda says don't try. Do." When Doug and I were talking about the appointment today and I told Doug that Dr. M said we were fine to try, Gavin piped up from the back seat, "Mom, Yoda says don't try. Just Do It!"

"We will honey. We will."

Thank you everyone for the good wishes, prayers and support!

Having a hard time seeing how these three things could all be in one post? Oh, are you ever in for a fun ride!?

At about the same time as Doug and I put a TV in our bedroom, my obsession with all things crime TV began. I like having the TV on for background noise but I learned that certain shows would prevent me from falling asleep since they were too flashy or entertaining. With crime TV shows, I could count on a few things. First, someone would be killed. The manner of death would fluctuate but the plot was pretty easy to anticipate. Second, despite the subject matter, the narration was like being read a bedtime story. A very creepy, mysterious, cliff hanger of a bedtime story. And third, if I was still awake by the end of the story, I could feel like I solved the mystery. Spoiler alert! It is either the spouse, the lover, or the lover's spouse. Mystery solved.

One night, as I was drifting off to dream land listening to the familiar story of a husband on trial for the murder of his wife, I heard something that made me sit up in bed. Despite the volume being turned to an almost inaudible level, I recognized a name from a friend in high school. It was a common name, but then I heard her voice. It was unmistakably the voice of a long lost high school friend. I sat up and looked at her and as she sat on the witness stand testifying about the forensics of the case, I saw her in the backdrop of our former school. I heard her laugh. I remembered everything. She was famous! Okay, really, she was only on TV for about 8 seconds but I have never claimed to be the most rational of people. I was so excited to see someone on TV that I knew, I was practically bouncing in the bed trying to wake up Doug so I could point her out. By the transitive property, I was famous too! Doug didn't seem to think so. He was mostly annoyed that I woke him up out of a dead sleep to tell him that I saw a girl I went to high school with whose name I had never even mentioned before in a conversation. I, on the other hand, couldn't wait to look her up on facebook and tell her I saw her on TV and ask for an autograph. Hmm... she never did accept my friend request.

When Joey was a newborn, Gavin and I had gotten into the habit of watching The Price is Right everyday at lunch time. Gavin likes to see the cars, motorcycles, and other prizes and I like that he is learning some important concepts like more and less, higher and lower, and higher order numbers. One day, as we were eating lunch, I began listening to the words of an advertisement about pregnancy and the desire to be a parent. I looked up from my turkey sandwich to see a big round baby bump, a beaming expectant mom, and then, I saw him. It was my fertility doctor. His face was looking kindly at me through the television and, all of the sudden, I felt bad for him. He looked like an afternoon injury lawyer, smiling reassuringly to sad and hurting people who wanted compensated for their pain. He is such a kind and authentic person and I felt like I needed to explain to all of Ohio that his office isn't a scam. On this weekday morning, sandwiched between a plug for life insurance and a blood pressure medication commercial, my doctor's face seemed misplaced. He is totally worthy of prime time advertisement.

Then my earth shattering, completely irrational, but nonetheless true observation took place. This man on my TV had seen my vagina. To be honest, it was a little awkward. I felt embarrassed. The whole world... okay just Ohio... but still... has now seen this man who has seen my vagina. But, just like the Dateline episode, I realized that by the transitive property, my vagina was famous too! Yep, my vagina is practically on TV twice a month now. Oh crap. There is the paparazzi.

I have finally called my RE's office and have an appointment scheduled for next week. I am looking forward to feeling like I am moving toward something. Between my upcoming appointment, the Organic Fertility Bible giveaway that is going on now, and the giveaways that are coming soon (including but not limited to pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, washable feminine pads, and one other very exciting item that I want to keep a secret until tomorrow) I am feeling good for being on cycle day 3!

Do you know anyone famous? Either a real celebrity or famous because they were a contestant on The Price is Right and played Plinko?

Nope. Not what you are thinking. It is time for an appointment. Despite the odds being against us with Doug's medications and the recent warning from the GI nurse practitioner about toxicity, I was still hopeful. Silly? Maybe. But, hopeful nonetheless.

Today I am on cycle day 25 (12 days past ovulation) and it isn't looking good. Plenty of negative pregnancy tests confirm that the cramping that I am feeling is an impending period. Just another in a string of 11 periods since the return of my fertility after Joey's birth. I was exclusively breast feeding Joey around the clock and after one night where he had a 7 hour stretch of sleep (a dream come true!), I was surprised to see 'ol Aunt Flo show up the next night. Ironically, Joey only had a night or two of long stretches of sleep and then went back to waking every few hours again. But those two nights were enough for me to start my cycles again.

I started charting again as best I could with a lot of sleep interruptions, but still was able to differentiate between pre and post ovulation. We managed to time things well right from the start and expected that we would be pregnant again soon. I had started searching the internet for information regarding breast feeding and risk of miscarriage. While I wasn't able to find anything that drew a direct correlation between the two, one thing that I did read from a number of different sources was that if you are already at a higher risk of miscarriage, it may be a benefit to not try to breastfeed while pregnant. Well, since I had always become pregnant quickly, I decided that I should probably move toward weaning so that I wouldn't feel the stress of a pregnancy and trying to wean quickly.

So, I gradually weaned over the next few months. Still not pregnant though. Now, here I am going on almost a year of perfectly timed cycles and I still have nothing to show for it. I don't know why I have been hesitant to call my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) but I think it is time. I am starting to think that there might be something wrong with me. Doug's medications would only have been a factor for the last few cycles.

While I wait for Dr. M's office to open on Monday morning, I am going to keep making trips to the bathroom continually doing the, "wipe and inspect" so that I can either say, "C'mon already!" or sigh and cry a little. I am ready to cry a little. I am ready for a plan. A plan to help me be hopeful. A plan to let me believe that I am at least moving toward something instead of jogging in place and getting winded for no reason.

In order to end on a positive note... check out my new button! Feel free to copy and paste the code (found in the left sidebar) into your own blog, website, or blog roll.

I have mentioned using Welcome Womb in my other posts but haven't really spent too much time really talking about it. I am a bit scared to talk about it too much since I know that just because I used it once and had a healthy pregnancy, doesn't mean that it is a miracle cure to recurrent losses. But, on the other hand, I feel guilty keeping it a secret if there are other women who want to try it. I have decided that rather than tip-toe around my use of the herbs, I am going to go ahead and shout from the rooftops that it saved my pregnancy and I couldn't be happier that I tried it. I am almost convinced that without it, I would not have had my Joseph.

I had every test to try and diagnose a cause for my recurrent losses. My GP, OB, and RE all ran various tests searching for a reason that I couldn't stay pregnant for more than a few weeks. Aside from being heterozygous for MTHFR and PAI-1, they were all in normal ranges. My RE prescribed progesterone suppositories that I used from Ovulation on and when I got pregnant I continued the suppositories. I kept testing to see if the lines on the pregnancy tests would get darker and they did. For a while. Then they stopped. As they got lighter, I knew that the only reason I wasn't bleeding was the progesterone. They ran a blood test and confirmed that I had miscarried. As soon as I stopped the progesterone, I bled.

The next time I tried lovenox injection and the progesterone. Same thing happened. I miscarried again. Over the 18 months of trying, getting pregnant, and miscarrying, I had tried every combination and variation of medical methods to stay pregnant. Nothing was working. I was so devastated. I was so tired of getting "pregnant" only to have a week of hormonal outbursts and stress only to end with spotting, bleeding, or betas dropping. I had quit thinking of cute ways to tell my husband that I was pregnant. I would simply show him a positive test and tell him not to get too excited. I was just tired of the roller coaster.

I had read on a message board about Welcome Womb where women had tried it and stayed pregnant. After being willing to inject myself with blood thinners leaving bruises all over myself, and shoving progesterone in places that are rarely discussed outside of TTC (trying to conceive), and swallowing handfuls of pills, vitamins, and any other suggested item, why would I stop at herbs?

When I got pregnant again I told my RE that I didn't want to do the Lovenox. He agreed. I told him that I didn't want to use the progesterone. If I was going to bleed, I wanted to just bleed. I didn't want to have to wonder if I had lost the baby but just wasn't bleeding because of the suppositories. He thought I should use the Progesterone but wouldn't think I was horrible if I opted out. I did opt out. I took my vitamins, baby aspirin, and folic acid and started the Welcome Womb as soon as it arrived in the mail.

My first 2 betas were done before I was able to to start the herbs. They were 14.5 on 12 dpo, 24.5 on 14dpo, and then 51.4 on 16dpo. I started the herbs the afternoon of 16dpo. On 18dpo my beta jumped to 124. I have to think that it was the herbs that helped my HCG finally climb to the levels they were supposed to be. Then, I actually made it far enough to schedule my first ultrasound to hopefully see a heartbeat.

When I was 6 weeks 4 days pregnant I went to the RE and, for the first time since Gavin, I heard that breathtaking sound of a heartbeat. The fact that Joseph is here now is all the proof I needed that the Welcome Womb worked for me. This time.

I fully intend on trying it again when I get pregnant. I am not selling Welcome Womb. I am not affiliated with the company in any way. I am just a mother who was able to bring home a baby after losing 6 in a row. How can I not want to share this possible solution to recurrent losses with everyone? I am not saying that it will work for everyone and I did use it with my doctor's blessing. I am now looking forward to learning if it will work a second time. I will post my experiences when I have an opportunity to try it again.



God gives us all that is green.

In October of 2010, Doug and I would be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary. It was hard to imagine that 4 years had already passed. I guess the saying holds true that time flies when you are having fun. According to my charts and calendars I was also due to ovulate on our anniversary so I figured that we would at least have a chance of having another positive pregnancy test in a few weeks. If we didn't, we had our appointment to receive the results from our genetic testing at beginning of November. Our anniversary was right around the corner and Doug broke the news to me that he has to be in Canada for business. At first I was sad just to learn that he would be away for our anniversary. Then I was a little extra heartbroken that I was going to ovulate when I was home all alone. Another month was going to pass with no baby 9 months later but again, at least we would be getting some answers. Well, I had hoped so.

If I wasn't already convinced that God has his hand in everything then I was that month. I was taking my temperature every morning and as Doug was out of town I waited for my temperature to rise indicating, for sure, that we had missed our chance. My temperature slowly ticked upward each morning but not enough that I could throw in the towel for that month. It was Friday and Doug was due home that night so on a whim, I took and ovulation test only to get the most positive result I had ever had in my 18 months of trying. I called Doug and made sure he "saved some energy" for when he came home. The rest of the month, I continued to take my temperature but never, unlike every other month in my charting career, had a significant rise in temperature. I had no idea if or when I really ovulated since all I could go on was one OPK.

A little less than 2 weeks later I was eager for Doug and I to meet with Dr. Mooney to get the results from the testing. I was sure that something must be wrong with one or both of us. I certainly didn't want this to be the case but at least with that information in hand, we could get a real handle on what was happening and what our options were. The day before the appointment I took a home pregnancy test just to rule out, for sure, that we were pregnant. There appeared a ghostly shadow of a line.

"Seriously?!" I asked myself. "Again?!"

I wanted more than anything to be pregnant but I was sure that I was just going to miscarry. Again.

The next day, I took another test and the line was darker! I had unavoidable feelings of hopefulness but with an overwhelming sense of dread. It was like driving in fog to an unknown destination. But into that car I climbed. For now, the destination was Dr. Mooney's office for the results.

Normal. Both normal. Unbelievable. We must have the worst luck in the world! Still no explanation for 6 consecutive losses and here we are with yet another, likely doomed, pregnancy. We talked with Dr. Mooney about what to do with the next cycle if/when we miscarried again.

We talked about green beans. Canned green beans. No joke. I asked him if there was anything I could do to improve the quality of my eggs and he referred to my eggs as 33 year old canned green beans. There was nothing I could do to make them younger, look better, or more appealing. At my request, he agreed that we could try Clomid to try to produce a couple more eggs. I think his words were, "Sure. We can throw a few more at the wall and see if at least one will stick. It would improve the odds, I suppose."

Before leaving we did talk about our plan of action with the current pregnancy on the off chance we could make it last. I decided to not use the progesterone suppositories since they hadn't worked in the past and all they seemed to do was prolong the inevitable miscarriage by tricking my body into thinking I was still pregnant. We were also going to skip the Lovenox injections since they were very expensive, not fun to administer to oneself, and failed to keep me pregnant the last time. I decided that I was just going to take my vitamins and baby aspirin. Then, I asked Dr. Mooney about herbs. He said that he didn't think that there was any harm in trying but without saying as much, I don't think he had much faith in them.

That afternoon I ordered the herbs that claimed to prevent miscarriage. I had read testimonials from women that had used these herbs and went on to have happy and healthy pregnancies so I figured, why not give it a shot. Nothing else had worked. I ordered the herbs and waited for them to arrive.