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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Friday, August 5, 2011

Running on Empty but Running Nonetheless!

Today started bright and early and almost frantic. If I was more organized I would have had bags packed for the boys, who were going to be enjoying a day at the pool, but instead I ran around like crazy at the last minute. I got everyone out the door and to the pool with enough time to get the boys set up with my in-laws and slide back into the truck for the appointment with Dr. M. I tend to get stressed out easily about the littlest things, like did I remember to leave sunblock for the boys? Did I put the milk in the fridge? I must have forgotten something? Oh well. Too late now. It is time for some answers! I drove the 20 miles to the office, sipping on a diet tasteless beverage and enjoyed actually hearing the uninterrupted lyrics of the radio. Then, when it dawned on me where I was actually going and what I was potentially about to hear, my heart started racing. I got unbelievably nervous.

I walked quickly through the parking lot past all of the handicapped parking spaces and valets and walked quickly to the elevators. I remembered the way and was vividly recalling the nervous excitement I used to have when I was going to ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Joey. This time, I lacked the excitement. I felt more like I was walking toward the lobster tank at a grocery store. For some people they would be excited about a seafood dinner. For me, it just makes my stomach turn and while I can tolerate the salty smell, I certainly don't look forward to it. I open the door and enter the small waiting area. When I say small, I mean there is a love seat sofa awkwardly pushed against a wall and about 8 chairs along the other 3 walls. When there are people sitting on both sides of the room, feet are about 6 inches from touching toes. Somehow they manage to have a water cooler, magazine rack and the signature candy dish too.

I told the kind lady at the window my name and chose a seat closest to the door. In fact, so close to the door that when I crossed my legs, I was tucking my toes on the door frame so that if someone walked in they wouldn't get inadvertently kicked. I then casually searched around the room trying to read the faces of the other patients. There were two couples and another woman sitting, leafing through magazines. While most people would just see anxious faces catching up on some celebrity gossip I saw something very different. Each woman had a gauge floating above their heads clearly indicating if their uterus was empty or full. Of course, I have no way of telling if I was right, but I swear I could tell if they were there for an ultrasound of their little bean(s) or if they were there for something else. Above my head floated a gauge clearly indicating I was running on empty.

One by one, the patients were called back to see the doctor and I read up on all of the celebrity babies and the fashion disasters of Hollywood. Then... finally... I heard my name and looked up to see my doctor standing at the doorway. We went to his office and sat down. It was at this moment that my heart started racing and I started to have flashbacks to my public speaking course in college (that I had to retake because I failed the first time). I began to tell the story of the last year chronologically all the while my voice felt shaky. Once I wrapped up the short version of the story and had it all out on the table, I waited for the tell tale nod or shake of the head indicating that the next 2 years of my life were going to be spent without a baby bump.

I looked at Dr. M's face and tried to decipher his crooked quizzical look as he made notes on my file. He stood from the table walked to a bookshelf and said, "You don't need to wait."

"REALLY!?" I questioned.

Really. I have been given the thumbs up to try and he also doesn't think that Doug's sperm counts will be significantly impacted by the drugs either! He is going to do a semen analysis to see where things are anyway, but after all of the turmoil I put myself through in the last weeks and months, this is the best news I could have imagined. Just one more reason why Dr. Google is not the way to go.

Granted, this news doesn't make me any more pregnant than I was yesterday but I have so much more hope than I had before. My tank might be on empty but I am totally allowed to get a fill up! As we were walking out of the office together, I had to make sure I heard him right. I shared that I should be ovulating as early as today and wanted to make sure that we could try. He, again, said yes. I was shocked and thrilled.

And just because it made us laugh, I'll share with you... Gavin has been on a kick where whenever he hears the word "try" he says, "Yoda says don't try. Do." When Doug and I were talking about the appointment today and I told Doug that Dr. M said we were fine to try, Gavin piped up from the back seat, "Mom, Yoda says don't try. Just Do It!"

"We will honey. We will."

Thank you everyone for the good wishes, prayers and support!

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