Many young girls grow up with the same dream; to one day meet the man of your dreams, get married and have children. I was no different. I have heard that many young girls even dream of their wedding day….what their colors will be, who will be in the wedding, where it will happen etc and while I can honestly say I never dreamt about those things, I always knew I would have kids and be a good mom one day.

I grew up the oldest of five kids and early on in my life took on that “mother” role with all my brothers and sisters. It just seemed to come naturally to me. I never questioned having children. I never had that fear I hear new mothers talk about. Those unanswered questions…how will I know this or how will I know that. I just knew my instinct would kick in and I would be good at being a mom.

My journey to finding the right man and getting married was a long and difficult one. I dated a man for nearly ten years who really wasn’t a good person for me. It wasn’t a healthy relationship but I was in love and I was going to make it work….of course it didn’t. In the meantime, I have a sister who is five years younger than me and a sister who is nine years younger than me, both of whom got married before me as well as one of my younger brothers. One of my sisters even had her first child. As the oldest sibling, you watch everyone else going through the things you always thought you would do first and hearing that time clock ticking, I wondered if I would ever have the chance to be that mother I really wanted to be. Then one day in the least likely of places and when I least likely expected it, I met my future husband. After our third date I just knew this was the man I was going to marry. I had just turned 35 years old. Two months before my 37^th birthday, we walked down the aisle. We talked about having children and we were on the same page. Being that we were both in our 30’s, we were prepared to start our family right away. My sister even toasted us at our wedding for a “honeymoon baby”. We all laughed and I felt certain that was exactly what was going to happen.

Months passed with no pregnancy results so the new journey of ovulation kits and all that goes with trying to get pregnant began. Soon I started finding myself buying a pregnancy test every time I was a day or two late only to be disappointed by the results and a few days later, proof that those results were correct. Soon every month became unbearable hoping that this would be the month. We finally decided to go have the fertility tests just to make sure there were nothing wrong and that maybe it was just my stress level of wanting to get pregnant so badly. We talked about what we would do depending on the results of those tests. We both agreed that we were not going to do anything drastic to get pregnant, we just wanted some answers.

Well answers we got and they weren’t the ones I was hoping for. My husband and I were likely not going to conceive on our own. Our only options were invitro or donor eggs. And so began the next journey of my life called heartbreak that I would come to experience over and over. We had already decided we were not going to travel the invitro road. We were told and knew there were no guarantees with that and I just knew I was not strong enough emotionally to put myself through all of that, did not want to put a financial burden on us nor did I want to put our marriage through that kind of emotional turmoil. The only thing I could really consider at this time was perhaps adoption. Unfortunately, my husband did not feel the same way. He always felt and said, “If God wants us to have children, then we will have our own children”. Well what do you say to that? I feel like God can give you children in many different ways and we would be good parents to some child out there who needed us. But that was not meant to be either.

God has a plan….what does that mean? I really was starting to hate that phrase. Was his plan that everyone in my life, sisters, best friends, cousins, co workers, etc. were to have beautiful children all around me while I was expected to show up at all the baby showers, smile, laugh, talk baby talk and pretend that none of it bothered me? Was his plan that I would see people in my line of work who shouldn’t have children or didn’t deserve to have children but had so many they either couldn’t afford them or abused them while I had a safe and loving home that these children could have been born into? Was his plan that I would become so depressed that I would put on so much weight that I hated myself or that I eventually thought the world would be a better place without me?

MAYBE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HIS PLAN WAS……

Maybe God in his infinite wisdom just knew that all my life I was trying to please others and had never taken the time to take care of myself. Maybe God knew that I could not do his work, whatever that may be, until I took the time to become a healthy person, mind, body and soul.

Trust me when I say, this revelation, this ah ha moment, this epiphany did not come easy and so starts another journey…. The journey of self-discovery.

Fast forward to nine married years, 2 nieces, 5 nephews and 5 god children later. Here is what I have learned: I don’t really know what God’s plan is for me and it doesn’t really matter anymore. Whatever it is, I will try to live my best life discovering both his path for me and my own path that I create. While certain things may trigger sadness over not having my own children, (like an unexpected Christmas announcement from my youngest sister that one more is on the way), I no longer dwell on that sadness but feel the emotion and move forward. I have made peace with not having my own biological children, and am very blessed by all the children in my life and the joy they bring to me. And while I may never be a “mother”, I will most certainly be the BEST Aunt, god-mother, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, wife and friend I know how to be. And while my Journey is far from over, and my self- discovery is an ongoing process, I now enjoy getting out of bed in the morning to see what TODAY will bring.