Nope. Not what you are thinking. It is time for an appointment. Despite the odds being against us with Doug's medications and the recent warning from the GI nurse practitioner about toxicity, I was still hopeful. Silly? Maybe. But, hopeful nonetheless.

Today I am on cycle day 25 (12 days past ovulation) and it isn't looking good. Plenty of negative pregnancy tests confirm that the cramping that I am feeling is an impending period. Just another in a string of 11 periods since the return of my fertility after Joey's birth. I was exclusively breast feeding Joey around the clock and after one night where he had a 7 hour stretch of sleep (a dream come true!), I was surprised to see 'ol Aunt Flo show up the next night. Ironically, Joey only had a night or two of long stretches of sleep and then went back to waking every few hours again. But those two nights were enough for me to start my cycles again.

I started charting again as best I could with a lot of sleep interruptions, but still was able to differentiate between pre and post ovulation. We managed to time things well right from the start and expected that we would be pregnant again soon. I had started searching the internet for information regarding breast feeding and risk of miscarriage. While I wasn't able to find anything that drew a direct correlation between the two, one thing that I did read from a number of different sources was that if you are already at a higher risk of miscarriage, it may be a benefit to not try to breastfeed while pregnant. Well, since I had always become pregnant quickly, I decided that I should probably move toward weaning so that I wouldn't feel the stress of a pregnancy and trying to wean quickly.

So, I gradually weaned over the next few months. Still not pregnant though. Now, here I am going on almost a year of perfectly timed cycles and I still have nothing to show for it. I don't know why I have been hesitant to call my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) but I think it is time. I am starting to think that there might be something wrong with me. Doug's medications would only have been a factor for the last few cycles.

While I wait for Dr. M's office to open on Monday morning, I am going to keep making trips to the bathroom continually doing the, "wipe and inspect" so that I can either say, "C'mon already!" or sigh and cry a little. I am ready to cry a little. I am ready for a plan. A plan to help me be hopeful. A plan to let me believe that I am at least moving toward something instead of jogging in place and getting winded for no reason.

In order to end on a positive note... check out my new button! Feel free to copy and paste the code (found in the left sidebar) into your own blog, website, or blog roll.