Picture this. About 40 coworkers and you are at a dinner party. There is awkward but cheerful small talk happening everywhere. You are experienced enough to know that, at some point, the questions will eventually turn to family and how many children you have. When the response to that is "none" or even if you dealing with secondary infertility, or loss(es) this topic is enough to make you want to shout, "How incredibly insensitive of you to ask an infertile about family! Isn't it obvious that someone of my age has probably been trying?! Could you please return the conversation back to the price of gas? I don't even mind if you talk about how much it costs to fuel up you family toting mini van, but PLEASE do not point out that I have no car seats in mine!"

We complain about how isolated we feel but I think we do it to ourselves. Instead of opening ourselves up to the possible sighs, sympathetic pouts, and well meaning words of wisdom, we clam up and offer a quick, "Not yet." and a change of subject. Then we stew over how annoying and depressing these events are. Instead, why don't we give the 2 minute version of how we are struggling to have children? Share that we are managing doctor appointments and treatments to try to have a family and that we are very much hoping and praying for a family (or a larger one)? Let people see into our world of distress, sadness, and anxiety? Make this little world of infertility and loss a little less lonely.

My guess is that we fear that our stories will be quickly followed by stories of their aunt, sister, or cousin and how they had a loss, difficulty getting pregnant, or infertility. For whatever reason these stories are like nails on a chalkboard to us. Hearing someone trying to relate to us or our situations somehow feels pitiful, unauthentic, or even insulting. They talk about how their sister just needed to give up sugars and then got pregnant. In out heads we hear, "Sure. Sugar. Thanks. I'll give THAT a try. Sugar must be the issue. UGH!" Their cousin tried for years and then used some special vitamin and she got pregnant with TWINS! In our heads we hear, "Seriously? Shut up! No. Really shut up." Then, the aunt just had to participate in daily meditation and then they fell pregnant 2 weeks later. Our head tells us, "Oh yeah. Like I am going to go sit in some hippie circle, bang a few drums and think my way to pregnant. Did I mention to you how much I really hope that you shut up soon?"

After that dinner party we make our way home, contemplating picking up a second bottle of wine for drinking while watching Baby Mama for the 28th time. We decide against it and opt for picking up some really delicious munchies instead. After all there might be a baby growing in there and Doritos and Twix bars are less problematic than alcohol. As the last chip is eaten and the Twix bar is in hand, we head to the computer. The oasis of understanding, experience and commiseration.

We search for our options. We read about the fertility diets and the success stories. We learn about all of the fertility supplements that seemed to make the difference for so many others. Then we read about ways to calm ourselves and focus our energies to improve our fertility. We find these options to be inspirational. They give us hope that it might work for us too. We basically read the stories and solutions that those sisters, aunts, and cousins used, and for whatever reason, it is received better when it comes form Momma1234 or Infertile823. The exact same interventions just from "internet people" instead of real ones.

Why is this? I wonder if there is some feeling of uniqueness that we enjoy. In real life, no one could ever possibly know what I am dealing with but online, we aren't threatened by others. In fact, we band together to offer support, ideas, input and friendship.

I offer you a challenge. At the next dinner party, office event, or opportunity for the "kids" question to arise, tell the truth. When the inevitable words and stories that usually make us cringe are spoken, pretend, if you can, that they are being spoken by tryingfornumber1 or maybe mommyof6angels. See if you can hear them differently. We can only feel isolated if we chose to stand alone.

Tweet