Gavin's church based preschool has been learning about the miracles.  He can name each that they have covered thus far.  He will tell me that Jesus turned water into wine.  He made the paralyzed man walk.  He fed 5000 people with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread.  He calmed the storm.  Tuesday he learned about how he healed the blind man and gave him sight. 

Yesterday after the bleeding had started, I was trying to remain calm but not doing a very good job.  Doug came home from work to support me.  My parents came over and offered to pick up Gavin from preschool.  While it was nice of them to offer, my heart needed that time with Gavin.  It is a short drive but his sweet voice (that sometimes never lets me get a word in) was what I needed to help me feel better.  So I left Joey with my mom and picked up Gavin. 

I walked with him back to the truck and as per my usual I asked him about his day.  He usually tells me about what he had for snack, who was sick today, or who got in trouble.  Yesterday his response brought me to tears.  He said, "No miracle today, Mommy."

Even while I wanted to be the exception to the rule with the cramping, bleeding, and loss of symptoms, I knew I wouldn't be.  No miracle today. 

I went to get an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy.  My levels are now 53.  While devastated that this pregnancy is surly over, I am happy that I will be able to be able to drink an ice cold beer tonight. 

I really can't put into words how much your support, comments and prayers mean to me.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

Mmm... beer. 

Tweet

Please know that this is just getting off the ground and while there might be wrinkles along the way, I am very excited to get to know you all better and be able to better able support one another.  See you there!

I had a good idea!  They don't happen often so when they do, I have to take advantage of them!  I have really enjoyed the past week or so, getting to know all of you better by communicating on my facebook page!   

Since I know that many of you have blogs, I thought we could all share our websites in the comments below so that I can make sure I am following all of you.  Also, others who are interested in having some more cheerleaders for trying to conceive, or need some more support for dealing infertility and/or losses we know how to find you.  If you are pregnant and would like to share your blog please put the fact that you are expecting in the comment as well so that women who aren't ready for that yet aren't surprised.  If you don't have a site, be sure to pop over to my facebook page and introduce yourself.  I love getting to know you all better!

And just because I hate having posts with no pictures...

Picture this. About 40 coworkers and you are at a dinner party. There is awkward but cheerful small talk happening everywhere. You are experienced enough to know that, at some point, the questions will eventually turn to family and how many children you have. When the response to that is "none" or even if you dealing with secondary infertility, or loss(es) this topic is enough to make you want to shout, "How incredibly insensitive of you to ask an infertile about family! Isn't it obvious that someone of my age has probably been trying?! Could you please return the conversation back to the price of gas? I don't even mind if you talk about how much it costs to fuel up you family toting mini van, but PLEASE do not point out that I have no car seats in mine!"

We complain about how isolated we feel but I think we do it to ourselves. Instead of opening ourselves up to the possible sighs, sympathetic pouts, and well meaning words of wisdom, we clam up and offer a quick, "Not yet." and a change of subject. Then we stew over how annoying and depressing these events are. Instead, why don't we give the 2 minute version of how we are struggling to have children? Share that we are managing doctor appointments and treatments to try to have a family and that we are very much hoping and praying for a family (or a larger one)? Let people see into our world of distress, sadness, and anxiety? Make this little world of infertility and loss a little less lonely.

My guess is that we fear that our stories will be quickly followed by stories of their aunt, sister, or cousin and how they had a loss, difficulty getting pregnant, or infertility. For whatever reason these stories are like nails on a chalkboard to us. Hearing someone trying to relate to us or our situations somehow feels pitiful, unauthentic, or even insulting. They talk about how their sister just needed to give up sugars and then got pregnant. In out heads we hear, "Sure. Sugar. Thanks. I'll give THAT a try. Sugar must be the issue. UGH!" Their cousin tried for years and then used some special vitamin and she got pregnant with TWINS! In our heads we hear, "Seriously? Shut up! No. Really shut up." Then, the aunt just had to participate in daily meditation and then they fell pregnant 2 weeks later. Our head tells us, "Oh yeah. Like I am going to go sit in some hippie circle, bang a few drums and think my way to pregnant. Did I mention to you how much I really hope that you shut up soon?"

After that dinner party we make our way home, contemplating picking up a second bottle of wine for drinking while watching Baby Mama for the 28th time. We decide against it and opt for picking up some really delicious munchies instead. After all there might be a baby growing in there and Doritos and Twix bars are less problematic than alcohol. As the last chip is eaten and the Twix bar is in hand, we head to the computer. The oasis of understanding, experience and commiseration.

We search for our options. We read about the fertility diets and the success stories. We learn about all of the fertility supplements that seemed to make the difference for so many others. Then we read about ways to calm ourselves and focus our energies to improve our fertility. We find these options to be inspirational. They give us hope that it might work for us too. We basically read the stories and solutions that those sisters, aunts, and cousins used, and for whatever reason, it is received better when it comes form Momma1234 or Infertile823. The exact same interventions just from "internet people" instead of real ones.

Why is this? I wonder if there is some feeling of uniqueness that we enjoy. In real life, no one could ever possibly know what I am dealing with but online, we aren't threatened by others. In fact, we band together to offer support, ideas, input and friendship.

I offer you a challenge. At the next dinner party, office event, or opportunity for the "kids" question to arise, tell the truth. When the inevitable words and stories that usually make us cringe are spoken, pretend, if you can, that they are being spoken by tryingfornumber1 or maybe mommyof6angels. See if you can hear them differently. We can only feel isolated if we chose to stand alone.

Tweet