The moment you have been waiting for is finally upon you!  You held in your hand a stick.  You peed on that stick.  While your urine absorbed into that fortune telling wick, you began dreaming of nursery themes and itty bitty argyle socks.  Then, as if your pee could talk, the words, "I'm pregnant!" echoed in your head.  With that news literally in your hand, you shook like a kid on Christmas morning.  You jumped a few times then worried it might hurt the baby.  You may have even twirled while holding your pee stick, small child, or pet under 40 pounds.  You, my dear, are pregnant!

Now what?  Do you scurry to thumb type a pregnancy announcement on your smart phone before the pee stick even dries?  Do you pick up the phone and call all relevant family and friends?  Do you feel guilty because your mom, best friend and your online TTC support group knew before your dear sweet husband?

Once the cat is out of the bag and you make it "facebook official," you may encounter one little hurdle that you weren't anticipating.  While you are glowing and giddy at the realization that there is a teeny human growing inside of you, the rest of the world doesn't really care nearly as much as you do.  I mean, it is cool.  It is facinating!  It is a miracle!  But rumor has it, you aren't the first woman in the world to be pregnant and you won't be the last either. So now what?  How do you share all of the wonderous things happening in your body without making 225 of your former classmates, work pals, and random people you have friended over the last 10 years, completely insane?  Here are a few ideas:

1. Start a blog.  This is an excellent option since you can write as much or as little as you want.  Then, you can post a link to your blog post on your facebook page.  Talk about your girly bits, or other sensitive information?  Give Uncle Al a heads up.  Blogging gives people the option of reading the play by play.

2. Start a facebook group.  Using this approach, you can select your friends and family who you would like to be privy to your uterine status (i.e., leave Uncle Al out of this).  You can make posts as frequently as you want and group members can participate to whatever extent they are comfortable.  They can type a frowny face when you share that you lost your lunch again, they can squeal along with you as you pass your 3 hour glucose tolerance test, or they can read your posts when they choose to without being bombarded with baby updates in their news feed.

3. Join a buddy group of pregnant women.  You are sure to find others who are currently on a similar path that would be happy to trade pregnancy war stories, milestones, and OB appointment updates.  Not only with this save Bob, that guy that you still aren't sure how (or if) you know him, from reading about how gassy you have become.

4. Use common sense.  If the previous options aren't quite your style, then here's another option.  When you post a status on facebook, ask yourself a few things before you click on the post button.

Question: Does anyone really want/need to know this?  
Example#1: I totally sneezed and peed myself 3 times today. 
Example#2: Anyone have any fast remedies for constipation?  I've been in the crapper for 47 minutes and this shit won't budge.
Example#3: It feels like someone is knocking on my vagina.  Is this normal?

Still unclear?  Ask yourself what you would think if your mother posted this.  If you shudder, cringe, or throw up a little, backspace and walk away.  

Question: Does your status make pregnancy sound like a dreaded disease?
Example#1: I am so miserable I could scream.  But, I would have to take a nap to muster the strength for screaming.  Someone save me.  
Example#2: I wish I could eat like a normal person but everything makes me barf my brains out. If I lose anymore weight I don't know how I will keep these maternity jeans up. 

1 in 6 couples is infertile.  They read these posts and long for those aches and pains of pregnancy.  Along similar lines, 1 in 4 women will suffer the loss of a baby.  To talk about pregnancy like it is torture, isn't going to be well received by what is likely to be a silent group of fellow facebookers.  So try to skip the bitching whenever possible.     


Question: Would I post this if I wasn't pregnant?

 Example#1: I only woke up to pee twice last night.  It was a personal best!  
Example#2: I swear that if I have buy yet another bra in a larger size, I might have to buy a strapless dress even if it is just to show off my girls!
Example#3: I have only gained 20 pounds in the last 4 months!

If you wouldn't, then don't. This will help weed out the useless nonsense and pregnancy over-sharing.

Bottom line, my soon-to-be rotund friend, is that people are happy for you.  They truly are!  That is why when you post your announcement you will get a bajillion likes and comments.  You can expect another outpouring of love when you disclose the gender, if you are so inclined.  Then finally, on the day when your baby makes his or her debut, you will feel the love and support from all around the facebook-o-sphere.    Anything you post in the interim of those milestones will likely be received with an eye roll or an obligatory emoticon response.  Feel free to post whatever you want though.  It is your slice of facebook pie!  Mmmmm... I just said pie.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!  Enjoy every single second even if you are sucking on lemon candy, puking up what used to be your favorite dinner, and unable to sleep because of that life growing in your expanding belly.  It is an amazing experience!  Just not one that we, the facebook world, need to experience along with you. 

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I promise that I am not going to try to revive the outrage over Facebook changes.  The dust has finally settled and I am finally coming to grips with the new look.  One of the changes that I am still bothered by is that anytime I comment, like, or otherwise interact with a facebook page it announces it on the mini feed thing.  Most of the time it isn't a huge deal but what if I want to comment on someone's infertility page about the consistency of their cervical mucus?  What if I want to know if someone has taken a pregnancy test and don't want to blow their facebook cover?  What if I need opinions on a pregnancy test, ovulation test, or other TTC or IF related issue?  The last thing I need is all of my relatives all over the US to be privy to my pee sticks. 

My solution?  I will still be posting things on my Life, Loss, and Other Things facebook page but recognize that most of you want to keep things hush hush.  So, I have decided that I will be starting a secret group on Facebook.  It will not really be a LLAOTWM group although I am going to be an admin.  But I will be me.  The real me.  The "I have a real first name, maiden name, and last name" and so do you.  I invite you to be a part of this group to make statuses that say what you are really thinking.  Instead of talking about errands, complaining about work, or a crappy night of sleep we can talk about our excitement over a squinter, the possibility of an early ovulation, tingly boobies, and the abundant CM that we aren't interested in sharing with everyone we went to high school with!  Because, if you are anything like me, these are our real statuses when trying to conceive! 

The only tricky part of being in a secret group is that you won't be able to find it or join it without an invitation.  The plus side is that all pictures, posts, comments, and activity is never on your public profile or wall or feed.   If you are trying to conceive, managing infertility, or even needing support while trying after a loss, this group is for you!  Let's team up and see some bumps produced!  Email me from the email account associated with your facebook page and I will invite you. 

I think this is going to be fun!  

I had a good idea!  They don't happen often so when they do, I have to take advantage of them!  I have really enjoyed the past week or so, getting to know all of you better by communicating on my facebook page!   

Since I know that many of you have blogs, I thought we could all share our websites in the comments below so that I can make sure I am following all of you.  Also, others who are interested in having some more cheerleaders for trying to conceive, or need some more support for dealing infertility and/or losses we know how to find you.  If you are pregnant and would like to share your blog please put the fact that you are expecting in the comment as well so that women who aren't ready for that yet aren't surprised.  If you don't have a site, be sure to pop over to my facebook page and introduce yourself.  I love getting to know you all better!

And just because I hate having posts with no pictures...

Many of my friends have pointed out how Facebook, while a great way to keep in touch with old friends, can be a source of stress, anxiety, and disappointment. It is sometimes hard to see everyone else having the time of their lives, posting the highlights of their weekends, and sharing the adorable moments that their family are sharing. But, c'mon. Let's get real. It is time to take off the Facebook Goggles.







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I love Facebook. I love that it has allowed me to reconnect with people from high school and college that otherwise would have disappeared into the world. I love that it has enabled me to connect with other moms, and moms-to-be. But, one thing that drives me absolutely insane is the, almost daily, "repost this" post. Sometimes it is the cheesy, "If you love your kids- repost this," "If you have gay friends- repost this," or the really annoying ones are phrased more like, "If you are not ashamed of ... your kids, your parents, your spouse.... repost this." Ugg. Why are the internet people trying to guilt me into publicly announcing that I love someone? Why does it matter to the world if I am "too embarrassed" to admit that I love someone who has irritable bowel syndrome?

So that is the pet peeve. Here is my promise. I promise that despite the fact that I have not reposted all of the "repost this" posts, I do love my children, my husband, and my parents. I do support cancer research. I do hope that they find a cause and a cure for Autism. I do know that God is my creator and that I owe everything I have to Him. So instead of reposting some pre-written proclamation of faith and love, I will voice my thoughts when I have an opportunity and when it is appropriate. Specifically when it comes to God, we often hold back our real feelings out of fear of offending someone, sounding like a religious whack job, or like we are shoving our faith down others' throats. Instead, we talk about Mother Nature when we mean God. We talk about being lucky when we mean we are blessed. We say "if it is in the cards" when we mean "if it is God's will."

I will not ask anyone to re-post anything but I do ask that you share this page with others if you are willing to give up the fear of speaking about God. Although we may feel otherwise, we are the majority. I think if we start speaking up and stop withholding our faith we will not only help make this world a better place, we can help others who are lost, find their way to an eternity with our Lord.

There is a phenomenon that, unless you have had a miscarriage or deal with infertility, you will never be aware of. A woman can go years and manage to see only a handful of pregnant women. Many of those pregnant women are probably on television shows or celebrity gossip magazines. But, if a woman is suffering with infertility, has a miscarriage or has multiple miscarriages, pregnant women start materializing before our very eyes. A simple trip to the grocery store can become a gut wrenching adventure full of pregnant teenagers and women dripping with children and sporting very round expectant bellies. Going to the mall is no longer a search for the most flattering outfit. It is a nightmare of ladies about to drop and give birth at your feet as they walk out of Baby Gap holding 3 bags full of adorable onsies and itty bitty tennis shoes.

Then there seems to be the sudden outbreak of co-workers or family members who have surprise pregnancies. They are the ones who claim they weren't trying or better yet, they were "on the pill" and really can't afford another child. Then they sit and complain about morning sickness, needing to pee all the time, and back pain from their growing bellies.

Facebook friends are another breed of anxiety inducing people who in most cases are just glorified strangers. All of the sudden every person that you ever went to high school with is expecting a baby. People that you barely knew, way back when, are posting ultrasound pictures and belly pictures. Just when you think every possible person on the planet who is of child bearing age has announced their pregnancy then the birth announcements come flooding in.

And just when you think it can't get any worse the phone rings. Your best friend in the whole world calls with that telltale shrill and giddy voice. Then, your voice begins to quiver as you try to say how happy you are for her. That feeling of your heart sitting so low in your stomach that you might either have to poop it out or throw it up. You want so much to share her excitement but all you can do is say congratulations and fake it through a few more sentences before making up some very valid sounding excuse to get off the phone. It is only a matter of seconds before the fake smile washes from your face by a waterfall of tears.

It is so hard to have a miscarriage or deal with infertility and then when "The Phenomenon" is shoveled into your face it is almost unbearable. This is how I finally decided to cope. When I came across a glowing pregnant woman in the grocery store or mall, I just reminded myself that I don't know her journey. She may have had 6 miscarriages too. She may have had to try for 3 years for that pregnancy. Not that I would ever wish a loss or infertility on anyone, but it somehow made me feel better to think she had "earned" that belly. She deserved that baby as much as I deserved one.

If it was a unwed teenager or someone who wasn't in a place to take care of a child I just had to remind myself that God sent them that child for a reason. Maybe that kid would save my child's life by donating an organ or becoming the doctor who cures cancer. While I very much wish that God would have put a baby in my belly or let me keep the one that had been there, there is not a finite number of babies. It isn't like God is going to run out just because someone else happened to get in line in front of me.

I think it is totally normal to be jealous, hurt, sad, and sometimes even crushed to know of others' good fortune (even if they themselves don't see it as good fortune at the time). I recall once hearing that the odds of getting "your baby" is something like 1 in 66 billion. When I look at my sons, I know that they were worth waiting for that 1 in 66 billion lottery ticket even if it meant dealing with The Miscarriage and Infertility Phenomenon.





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