With my previous losses I thought that if I prayed hard enough, often enough, and sincere enough I would finally get to stay pregnant and have a baby. Each time that I would start spotting, lose my symptoms, or lose hope that the pregnancy was progressing I would find myself asking God, "Please. Please. Please let me stay pregnant. We want this baby. Please make the bleeding stop and let everything be okay." When I would go on to miscarry, I wouldn't be angry at God, just confused as to why he didn't give me what I asked for. Then it occurred to me that God isn't Santa Claus. He isn't a genie in a lamp. He doesn't grant wishes or command little elves to perform miracles. He gives us only what we need and what He wills us to have. It was really hard, at first, to pray for God's will knowing full well that it may be His will for me to never have a second child. But, I knew that His will was what I should ask for. I also began asking for patience and understanding for when His will isn't easy for me to handle.

We prayed for God's will every night. I also began using the Welcome Womb that arrived in the mail after just a few days. I used it immediately. After less than 48 hours of using the herbs, my blood HCG went from barely doubling to clearly doubling and then some. It could have been a fluke but it gave me a confidence I had never had before. When I told Doug about the results of the most recent blood test and how I was starting to think that these herbs were going to work he reminded me that, "God gives us all that is green." Ironically, I was willing to eat grass from the yard had I thought it would keep me pregnant.

Each morning and night I would take the herbs. They are simply awful tasting. Just thinking about the taste kind of makes me gag. But I choked them down using whatever means necessary. I tried taking them like a shot- not recommended. I tried them in fruit juices- also disgusting. I settled on strongly brewed peppermint tea with a lot of honey. It still wasn't tasty but I could get it down.

A couple of weeks later we went to Dr. Mooney's office for a viability ultrasound. I was about 6 weeks 4 days. Within seconds of starting the ultrasound we saw the little baby with a flicker of a heartbeat. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry that we finally got to see a baby. Then Dr. Mooney pushed a few buttons and all of the sudden the room was filled with the sound of our little baby's heartbeat echoing all around us. I never thought that day would come. Just as soon as I was ready to celebrate by doing a hula dance wearing nothing but the stunning paper sheet, Dr. Mooney reminded us, "This is a great start but we aren't out of the woods yet."

Ah. Sweet reality.