I don't know why this has gone so smoothly.  Can I blame it on being well practiced at grief?  I have been down this road so many times, I know where to stop and eat, which rest stops have the cleanest bathrooms, and I know which exits have a Starbucks. 

When I went to the doctor on Friday morning and he attempted to give us a grain of hope, I had to give him the look.  He knew what I meant.  He asked me with a coy raised eyebrow, "How are you so sure this is over?" 

"Maybe because I have done this exact thing 6 times before?!"

He nodded and said to us, "This sucks." 

Yes.  It does suck.  But I am healing.  Feeling better and better each day.  Less tears than the day before and even fewer tomorrow, I'm sure. 

I have poured myself into 2 things starting on Saturday.  The first is that I am going to take advantage of this opportunity to lose some weight.  I was doing really well right after Joey was born.  I was feeling good, getting more tone, and starting to be a little proud of my figure re-emerging from the baby fat.  Then when a few months of TTC turned into 20, I lost my enthusiasm for fitness and reconnected with my first loves, Ben and Jerry.  Since God decided that I wasn't going to be pregnant anymore, I have to turn this into a positive.  I am going to lose as much weight as I can before getting pregnant again.  I am not going to put TTC on hold, but I will be sweating like a pig until I'm pregnant again.  I have done 3 days in a row of 30 minutes on the elliptical machine.  I must say, I feel good!

The other think I have been doing to help me heal is that I have poured myself completely into getting to the bottom of this recurrent miscarriage crap.  This isn't normal.  Normal people don't have 7 miscarriages in a matter of 4 years with a full term pregnancy as part of those 4 years.  I don't mean this in a self accusing way but there simply must be something wrong with me.  Something has to be wrong.  I know that my OB and RE did all of the testing and most everything came back normal.  The things that came back as borderline didn't respond to the treatment that should have taken care of it.  It must be something else...

I have been reading and researching immunological causes for recurrent miscarriages.  I was ignored when I mentioned this during my first "batch" of losses but I am going to force my doctor to listen to me.  At least 3 of my losses I experienced a low grade fever during the "two week wait."  Taking my most recent pregnancy, right around the time of implantation, my temperature went up to 99 degrees for a full 24 hours.  I can't help but think that my body doesn't recognize a fertilized egg and fights it like a disease.  In the previous instances of this happening the pregnancy ended very early, like after only a few days of a positive test.  I think that maybe my taking the Welcome Womb may have allowed the baby to continue to fight back for a while but it wasn't enough to win the battle.  Completely all my theory, but if something like this is the case then there IS treatments available! 

I am ready to try again, but on the flip side, I am not sure I can handle more losses.  I have to get healthy again and get to the bottom of things.  The good news, it is really helping me forge ahead and have a positive view of the future!