I was hopeful this cycle.  I really was.  Then as the important and exciting days approached are are almost behind us, that hope is growing smaller and smaller.  Yesterday's test was almost impossible to see.  Some real squinter pros might be able to make it out but almost non-existent.  Then, I felt like peeing on a 5 dollar bill but since I didn't have any of those in the house, I decided to pee on a First Response test.  I got a light but clearly visibly line.  With nothing to compare it to, I realized it meant next to nothing. 

Last night as I was warming up under my covers, I started to get achy and uncomfortable.  It was about that time that I realized that if I was pregnant, I would have been asleep by then.  At about 4:00 am, our cute adorable and chronologically challenged dogs decided to want to go out.  Doug let them out but I decided to take my temperature, just because I was awake.  It was dismally low.  I knew that the temperature wasn't really valid but, it didn't look good.  Then, as I thought about how ugly my chart was going to look when I put that temperature in it, I felt something familiar.  That first cramp.  The first cramp that clearly signaled that my period wouldn't be all that far behind it. 

When I woke up, I temped again and the temp wasn't AS ugly but it was low and barely above my coverline.  Later in the morning, I had that urge to pee on another 5 dollar bill but again, hadn't been to an ATM so I peed on another First Response.  While the line was there, it is what I like to call a ghost squinter.  In fact, I'll be impressed if anyone can even see it on the picture.  It is so ghostly that it only can be seen in the right light and the camera seems to wash out any teeny bit of color there is. Plus, even if you can see it, I am feeling pretty confident that it is just that teeny bit of trigger shot left. 

I am feeling crampy, tired, and pretty much watching out my window for the evil AF (Aunt Flo) to crash my Hope Party.  Well.... There is always next month and I have to feel confident in at least one thing.  God is in control of this. 

Many months back I wrote a post about all of the chemicals that we unknowingly, and sometimes knowingly, put on our skin, clean our homes with and spray in the air to make things smell fresh and clean.  I know it isn't healthy to really dwell on it, but I have to wonder if all of these toxins we are absorbing every single day played a role in my losses.  Especially when all of my diagnostic tests kept coming back normal, it still makes me wonder.  As a result, I have made a decision to chose products that have as few chemicals as possible in them.  It isn't easy but it is worth it to me. 

When I was wandering around the store looking for items for the Monthly Gift Giveaway, I felt morally obligated to keep things "clean" when it came to ingredients.  I wanted to offer products that didn't have chemicals or crazy ingredients that I couldn't pronounce.  I thought about getting a facial care set since what girl doesn't like a fresh clean face!  When I looked at the ingredients I was horrified!  When I still have unanswered questions about these kinds of things, I couldn't in my right mind buy them and subject your skin to this mess!

Then, by the strangest chain of events, I was introduced to the products of Live Naturally.   I can hardly put into words how exciting it was to see all of the products they have.  Not only are they chemical free, they actually post photographs of the ingredients!  They come from real things that grow on our planet!  They can identify and photograph what they are suggesting you put on your skin, your baby's skin, and even what you clean your home with!

Just as an experiment, I looked at the ingredients of the Miessence Soothing Facial Cleanser.  Everything that is in this product were things I would be happy to smear on my face!  These are just a few.

Then, I looked at the ingredient of another natural looking and popular facial cleanser.  When I looked up an image of the 3rd item (only after water and glycerine) I found Oleic Acid.  While my first thought was why would I want to put acid on my face, I went ahead to see what I could find as a picture.  This is an image of Oleic Acid:
This is Cocamidopropyl betaine:

Doesn't that sound luxurious?  *tongue firmly planted in my cheek*  The good news is that we have the choice to use that stuff if we want to, but if we want to use the products that God created for us to put on and around our bodies, we have the product line of Live Naturally.  Right now, they have a special promotion going on through the end of November.  If you order $100 in products you will get 20% off future orders!  Be sure to check out their site and browse all of the categories of products they have ranging from mama and baby care, to household cleaners and room sprays!

Of course, there is no way of knowing what caused my losses before Joey but I like to think that I am doing what is best for my family, my body, and my home by keeping it as clean and pure as God would like it to be. 

My grandmother turned 99 years old today!  Starting when she was about 80 she would insist that this was her last Christmas.  Or that this was the last turkey she would stuff.  Or that I had better learn how to make meatballs since she wasn't going be around much longer. 

One day back when she was a young and spry 89 years old I told her something.  I explained to her that she was such an important person to me.  My childhood is filled with memories of her!  The one thing I really wanted more than anything in the world was for my children to know her.  Now please keep in mind that I hadn't met Doug yet.  I wasn't even in a serious relationship at that time.  So her response to me was, "Well, I'm not going to be around forever!" 

I smiled at her and said, "I guess I had better go and get knocked up."

"Don't do THAT!" She expressed as she struck me on the arm as hard as a 89 year old woman can. 

My confident response to her was, "Then don't go dying!" 

Here we are 10 years later.  My family and Grandma celebrating her 99th birthday!  Since I am not done having kids yet, I think she need to stick around to meet the rest of them. 



I would close this post by saying "I love you, Grandma," but since she still thinks that the lady's voice on her phone who helps her dial is a real person who is always responsible for calling the wrong number... we'll save explaining what a blog is for another day. 

Gavin is obsessed with mints.  Starting when he was about 2 1/2 he discovered Altoids.  You know, the "curiously strong" mints.  The kind that even some full grown adults find to be almost too painful to enjoy.  Well, Gavin would chew them.  He'd pop them in his mouth and chew them up and ask for more.  Ever since then, he likes to have mints in the car.  When we would climb in to the car, he could hardly wait until I had my seat belt on so that he could ask for his mint.   Then, it turned into him asking for one on the return trip.  I would usually give in.  That is when things got crazy!  He would ask for a mint any time the car was parked and sometime when it wasn't.  So, we had to wean him from mints.  We still have some mints in the car but it is no longer a "given" anytime he is in the car.

The other day Gavin and I were in the car and he asked me for a mint.

I answered kindly, "Not today, Sweetie."

Gavin, testing out his independence and authority (which he of course has very little of but that doesn't stop him from trying), demanded, "But Mom!  I want a mint and you should give me one now!" 

I couldn't help but chuckle as I explained to him, "Gavin, even if I was going to give you a mint, that attitude and tone of voice wouldn't be the way to get it.  We aren't going to have a mint today."

"Mom?" he asked.

What, Sweetie?" I answered after taking an extra big breath.

"Please may I please have a mint?" he said with extra emphasis on the magic words he sprinkled in this time.

"I like the way you asked that time but the answer is still no." I replied.

"But, Mom!  I asked nicely!" he said through the tears and frustration.

That exchange continued for another minute or two, but this is where my mind wandered.  I started to think about how God, Our Father, must feel.  We are His children and we ask Him for stuff all the time.  We use our manners and ask nicely.  When Our Father, who really truly knows what we need and what we don't, doesn't grant our request or grant it in the time frame we had hoped, we are crushed.  We don't understand why he wouldn't just "give us a mint" or a baby, or whatever else we think would complete our lives in that moment.

While I could give Gavin a mint every single time he asked nicely, I could quite possibly have a 100 pound 4 year old with the best breath on the block, but that isn't doing him any favors.  When children look at their parents with pleading eyes, droopy lower lip, and furrowed brow, it is heartbreaking!  But knowing what is best for them in the long run makes it worthwhile.  I know God is doing the same for us. 

Being a parent is a hard job.  Even more so for God since we ask for miracles.  Gavin just asks for mints.  

I really had fun last month giving away a wonderful prize pack for all of my readers!  I realize that this prize pack is geared toward those who are currently trying to conceive but if you aren't yet trying, not sure when you might start trying, or still coping with a loss, this prize pack has something for everyone!  So enjoy the second monthly gift that everyone can look forward to! 

One of the things that I have always been drawn to when dying to pass the time, is computer games.  My all time favorite are the adventure/puzzle games.  You know the ones where you travel around and have to hunt for clues, solve brain teasers, and almost never use the online cheats!  This CD-ROM game package has 4 of them!  Seriously!  Just think of all of the hours you can play and keep your mind off of symptoms, aches, twinges, and cramps.  Not trying just yet?  What a fun way to waste time precious time on your computer without the threat of getting baby crazy, bitten by the baby bug, or getting baby rabies, as Jayme @ The Tater Twins calls it!


Who doesn't love a great chick flick?!  You know the kind where you grab a pint of Chubby Hubby Ice cream, a box of tissues, a hot water bottle, and a snuggly blanket.  How about 4 chick flicks?  This DVD has The Notebook, Nights in Rodanthe, Message in a Bottle, and A Walk to Remember. I don't recommend watching them all in one night.   That could be hazardous to your mental health and I am not sure if your husbands would ever let you come back and read my blog if they find you in a soggy wet heap on your living room floor with a melted pint of Chubby Hubby.  Pace yourself!



Then, because few thing feel better than a hot bath after a long, rough day, I have thrown in two packets of Stress & Tension Relief Bath Salts.  Last months winner told me that the foaming bath oil of the same scent smelled heavenly so I expect this to smell the same!

Then how about some of the medicine that everybody likes?  These dark covered chocolate almonds are sure to be worthy of hiding in a sock drawer. Plus, it is good for your heart, right? 


And then, just because no woman of child bearing age should be without a box of pee sticks in their bathroom cabinet, a box of 3 First Response Early Result pregnancy tests!  Now, if you are TTC, you know that these are a great test to have on hand for that uncontrollable urge to test too early.  And, if they are free, you can test even earlier because there is no "Pee Stick Guilt" when you didn't pay a dime for them!  Not TTC?  You could either gift them to someone who is or keep them in your bathroom cabinet to freak out your husband or nosy house guests!



How's all that sound?  I hope you are as excited to win as I am to gift it!  Enter now and share with all of your friends!

I had a good idea!  They don't happen often so when they do, I have to take advantage of them!  I have really enjoyed the past week or so, getting to know all of you better by communicating on my facebook page!   

Since I know that many of you have blogs, I thought we could all share our websites in the comments below so that I can make sure I am following all of you.  Also, others who are interested in having some more cheerleaders for trying to conceive, or need some more support for dealing infertility and/or losses we know how to find you.  If you are pregnant and would like to share your blog please put the fact that you are expecting in the comment as well so that women who aren't ready for that yet aren't surprised.  If you don't have a site, be sure to pop over to my facebook page and introduce yourself.  I love getting to know you all better!

And just because I hate having posts with no pictures...

Being partway pregnant is a strange situation to be in.  It may end up being a good thing for me to be able to pee on sticks and see two lines and not have the adrenaline and the pregnancy psychosis set in.  If you have ever been pregnant before, even more so if you have a history of miscarriage, you know how the mind spins wildly out of control form the excitement to worry and then it turns to a place between psychological limbo and cautious optimism.  But today, I peed on a stick and saw nothing but two lines.  Two lines that indicate nothing more than the fact that I had hCG in my system that in most cases indicates a pregnancy.  For me, it only means that I had an hCG trigger shot on Monday morning.

I have tested a few times, out of curiosity, to see how dark the lines would be.  On Friday I tested expecting to see a pretty dark line on my test.  For the record, I am using a cheap internet dip strips but the line was neither dark nor impressive.  It was positive though.  Today I took another and the test line was about the same, maybe a teeny bit lighter.  I can't believe I am about to say this but I am hopeful to get those tests back to negative.  OR an even better scenario would be that that line would get lighter but then start to get darker and darker again.

The nurse at my RE's office who gave me the trigger told me not to test for 16 days from that day since it is possible to get false positives before then.  I decided against outing myself as a "POAS addict" and telling them that I planned on testing the trigger shot out of my system.  So, if I do get good news early, I am going to have to sit on it for a while before calling the office.

I am going to post pictures of my HPTs with how many DPO I am in hopes that it helps someone else out there who wants to know how long it takes to get a trigger out of your system.  I will post today's picture and each day I will update the post with a new picture so be sure to check back if you are curious.  If I have good news, you can bet that will get a post all to itself!

Here is the first picture in the "testing out the trigger" progression!

Adding my current cycle with a trigger for all of you who like to follow along this testing out tradition! This time I started at 1 dpo since I wanted to see how dark the trigger lines started. It was 10,000 units of HCG.

Five years ago today, I married the perfect man for me.  I thank God daily for bringing him into my life.  Happy Anniversary, Doug!

What do you think?  Are we crazy?