As a result of my last appointment with Dr. M., my reproductive endocrinologist, Doug was asked to have a semen analysis. I was looking forward to knowing where we stood in regard to his "swimmers". So I urged Doug to schedule his appointment and drop off since collection could be done at home. Well... He did make the appointment. I was requested (by him) to do the drop off. It was today. This is how it went.

I had the kids packed up and ready to go since I knew it was important that I get the sample to the office by the appointment time. Let me say that I was less than thrilled that I had to tote the kids along with me on this adventure but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. The boys and I were hanging out by the door waiting for Doug to take care of his end of things so that we could make a break for it.

While we waited, Gavin asked, "Where are we going Mommy?"

"Uhh... We are going to see a doctor for a couple of minutes," I explained.

"Oh! Is he going to show me all of the tools he uses to make you better like they did when you went to the dentist?" he wanted to know.

"No, sweetie. This isn't a dentist. Actually, I don't need to see the doctor. We are just taking something to him." I tried to end the conversations. I should have known better. Gavin would never be satisfied without feeling like he knew everything.

"What are we taking to him?" he asked.

I thought about my answer with a silent and inward grin. I couldn't tell him "Daddy's little swimmers" since I am sure he would want to look at them and well... that is just not something I was interested in showing to him. So, I decided to just tell him, "We are just dropping of a package to him."

"OH! A package!" I was relieved until he said, "Mom? What is in the package?"

This was an excellent opportunity for me to tell Gavin to put on his shoes and ask him if he wanted a lemonade on the way home. He was so excited about the lemonade that I finally felt I had dodged that bullet.

A few minutes later, Doug appears on the first floor with cup in hand. I am an adult. Really. But there is something really funny about seeing your husband with a cup of semen in his hand. Funny and just a little bit gross.

I tuck the cup into my shirt to keep it warm and pick up Joey and head out the door. It is at about this moment that I realize that I feel like I am carrying some sort of time sensitive bomb. I am in a hurry and acutely aware that I have something strapped to my body. I had the cup in a bag and was starting to regret that decision since sweaty, sticky plastic stuck to my belly was far from comfortable. I intentionally didn't turn on the air conditioning since the point of me wearing this cup in my shirt was to keep it warm, it seemed silly to me to have cold air blowing on me although I really needed it. I was sweaty, nervous and anxious. I think because of that drive this morning, I now know what drug smugglers feel like when they are crossing the border.

I manage to arrive right on time. I get Joey into an umbrella stroller, get Gavin to walk next to me, and manage to hold my purse so that the giant cup protruding from my shirt isn't as obvious as it feels. I walk as quickly as I can into the building. The finish line is now in sight!

I climb into an elevator with an adorable old couple who I am pretty sure were going to the cardiologist on the same floor as Dr. M's office. I may have given them a heart attack had they known I was carrying my husbands sperm in my shirt. At least they wouldn't have had to go far. The door to Dr. M's office is just steps away. I then remember the other reason that I didn't want to go on this, shall we say, "mission," with the kids. I am about to walk into an infertility clinic with a 3 year old and a one year old. I feel like there is something insensitive about this whole situation. As Gavin opens the door for me and the stroller, I hold my breath. I am hoping to see an empty waiting area. Nope. Full. As in only 3 chairs available. Me, the stoller and Gavin take up all of the existing space in the room. All eyes on me.

The window slides open. "Last name?"

I answer.

"Oh! Do you have something for us?"

"I do."

Awkward pause with smiles and my eyes darting back and forth as if to see if the coast was clear. It wasn't. Everyone knew exactly what I was doing. The receptionist smiled and told me, "Don't worry. They have all done it too!"

I laugh awkwardly and reach under my shirt and handed her the bag with the sample inside. The girl sitting about 2 feet from me smiled reassuringly and chimes in, "I just did that an hour ago."

I felt better that the sticky sweaty plastic bag with the goods was officially not my responsibility anymore. But now, I had to fill out some paperwork. Both sides of the room are lined with women and couples waiting patiently. As I am hurriedly filling out Doug's information, Gavin keeps asking at a clearly audible tone, "Did you deliver the package, Mom? Did we deliver the package? Did we give them the package?" I am trying to quietly answer him, while focusing on the paperwork and trying to tune out the snickers and giggles from all around me. I feel my face warming as I blush.

I finish the paperwork, hand it to the lady on the other side of the window, and can't get out of there fast enough. Of course, the wheels of the stroller are stuck sideways so I am fumbling around trying to get out of the door. I am not fast enough. Gavin asks one last time while still in the walk in closet sized waiting room, "Mom! Did you already give Dr. M. the package? I want to see what is in it!"

The door closes. I can only imagine their faces on the other side of that door. I laughed out loud at myself and the whole situation.

"Why are you laughing mom?"

"I am just thinking about how much you are going to enjoy your lemonade, honey."

"Oh! I love lemonade!"

Doug owes me big time. Huge!

I have hit the jackpot this week when it comes to books! As people who have been following our journey with trying to conceive our third child know, what we thought would be a short wait has turned into a complicated, confusing, and often disappointing year. When Doug's doctor told us to wait two years before we tried to get pregnant, I started really spiraling out of fertility control. I was angry at the circumstances. I was disappointed in what I thought was going to be our only options. I was searching for help and guidance. Many of you offered up your own thoughts on assisted reproduction. I very much appreciated you sharing your very intimate thoughts and what I am sure were your outcomes from many prayers.

I decided that I wanted to see what books were out there that could help me navigate through this dark time. I selected two different books that both showed promise. Interestingly enough, an appointment with my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) turned on the first light I had seen in a while by telling me there was no reason not to try and that Doug's medications would not interfere with our efforts. But, the books showed up and I started reading anyway. The first book was shockingly far from what I was looking for, expected, or could even finish reading. I may at some point in the future share more about that book but right now, I am very excited to share about the second book I picked up moments after closing the first.

God's Fertility Clinic, written by Jean Warner, was everything I needed. For the first time since I was in college, I was searching for a highlighter. I had to settle for an ink pen since I am sure my only high lighters are probably tucked somewhere in my Classroom Management and Organization book. The words in the book really spoke to me. Jean shares testimonials of women who were struggling with fertility and were brought to Jean for prayer. They shared how they prayed and were soon blessed with children. Jean pairs these testimonials with passages from the Bible along with easy to understand explanations of the stories. I know sometimes I get bogged down in following someone's interpretation of the Bible especially when it seems to be made into an explanation for whatever agenda they have. Jean doesn't have to shape, interpret, or force any of the stories to prove what she is saying because what she is telling us is true. It is of God.

Jean's book, God's Fertility Clinic, left me feeling recharged, rejuvenated, and really looking forward to the next child God has for me. I would like to share just a few of my favorite lines from her book.

We must first be pregnant with the Word of God to experience God's miracle.

This is so obvious but still so profound. I think I have spent so much time wanting to be pregnant that I forgot to grow big and pregnant with the Word of God. My priorities got very twisted.

Many people plant words in their lives like seeds being planted in the ground. But instead of planting seeds of hope and faith, they plant seeds of doubt and bitterness. They cannot see the harvest of a miracle when all they had planted were seed of doubt, anguish, and bitterness.

Isn't this so true? I have found myself planing so many seeds of doubt, negativity, and darkness that it is no wonder that I haven't yet fallen pregnant. I was telling myself not to get excited. I made sure I expected the worst. It was almost like I was walking around challenging God to cheer me up instead of having complete faith in Him.

I really feel like I have had the dark cloud lifted so far from above my head. I am so happy that God will give me another child! I don't know when it will happen but I have faith that it will!

And then as if sharing her book with me and the rest of the world wasn't enough, she has agreed to let me post an e-mail interview with her! I can't tell you how excited I am that she is going to do this! Be looking for this!

If you want to buy the book ($7.99) you can click here. If you would like a copy but are unable to obtain a copy, please contact me to see if I may be able to locate a copy for you.

Please note that I am in no way being compensated for this post. I purchased this book and really just want to share it with as many people as I can!

1. I have learned where the phrase "old and bitter" came from. This arugula, despite looking pretty and tasty, forced me to experience what it must taste like to chew on the tail of a skunk. It was thoroughly repulsive. According to my facebook friend, I harvested it too late. If I am able to recover form the PTSD I have from that lettuce, I may try it again next year. Judging by the dry heaves I still experience when thinking about this flavor, if you can call it that, I'm thinking Iceberg is the way to go.
2. If you have ever heard the expression that "any more than a handful is a waste," I am not sure these were the type of melons they were referring to. But, these little melons, despite their petite size were tasty and perfect portion control.
3. This pepper plant didn't look good from the start. All of my others seemed to be growing, getting fuller and flowering while this one just got eaten, never grew much, and was withering away. I was days away from not even bothering to water it anymore since it couldn't possibly produce. Let this be a lesson to me. This plant has started producing and it's peppers have been the tastiest of the whole season.
4. Without pulling a weed or two, this is what happens. If you look really carefully you might find the corn. 5. Sometimes the most appreciated things in the garden are the one that you just look at.

According to The Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year, Red Clover is the "single most useful herb for establishing fertility." That is not only good to know, it is great news because of all of the greenery surrounding my house, red clover is one of them. It is everywhere! Actually we have planted some as is is a great pasture legume for our cows. Who knew it would be a great herb for women too!

Before I go on, I want to say a few words about The Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing year. This is the book (e-book) that I was so thrilled to get to read and review. I am so excited about all of the information that is packed into this 192 page book! In this book there is all that you would need to know about herbs that promote fertility, are beneficial for pregnancy, and even herbs that are known to help with your newborn, breastfeeding, and postpartum concerns including depression. There are instructions on making tinctures, infusions, and salves. There is also information on herbs that help prevent pregnancy. I really can't even put into words how much I am going to be using this book in the coming weeks and hopefully years.

I will likely be making references to the book, The Childbearing Year, in future posts as well since it really is teaching me everything there is to know about fertility herbs. If you would like to purchase this book, which I suggest you do if you are a woman who has any interest in using herbs (purchased or grown) in any capacity during your quest for children, more children, or looking for all natural means for preventing future pregnancies.* Really a wonderful tool!

Also, I want to give a special thank you to Hill Country Herbalist who helped me out by answering my questions and giving me the confidence to just dive in.

So back to my red clover! I have this stuff growing everywhere so Gavin and I went out and picked as many clover blossoms as we could find. Well... not all of them because we could have been out all day and in a matter of 25 minutes I was drenched in sweat and Gavin said he was ready for a Popsicle. So, we brought in all of the clover and admired our find. Not too bad!


I picked all of the leaves off so that all I had left was the blossoms. There are a lot of tiny baby leaves at the bottom of the blossom so it was somewhat tedious work. Actually, it took me longer to clean them all than it did to pick them! I discarded any blossoms that were too browned or unhealthy looking.


I also met my new least favorite creepy crawly. The blossoms had tons of these almost invisible little spiders that if they didn't bite, I wouldn't have even noticed them! These little suckers drove me crazy the whole time and they were all over the place! No joke... I just had to itch my neck twice as I typed that because I was recalling that awful part of nature.


I packed as many blossoms in a Mason jar as I could. I was a little surprised at how many clover blossoms I managed to fit into one, wide mouth pint jar! I thought for sure I had picked enough to make two separate pints but, after packing the first jar, I may have had enough to fill a small jelly jar but since I didn't have any on hand. I discarded the rest.


Then, I used 80 proof vodka, fighting the temptation to pour a little into a glass of orange juice, to fill in the small amount of space left in the jar until it was completely full. In fact, when I screwed the lid on some vodka did escape from the sides. After reading the Childbearing Year, I would have opted for 100 proof vodka. Next time I will. Aw shucks. It looks like I have a big bottle of 80 proof vodka I need to take care of.


Each day I give my jar a shake and see its progress. Almost immediately the color turned from purple to white. After the first day, the Clover had soaked up quite a bit of the vodka so I topped it off again.


After a few weeks of soaking I will pour off the liquid, squeeze the blossoms to get the alcohol out of them as well and place the liquid into small glass bottles with droppers so that I can start using it! I can't tell you how excited I am to start really doing this. One day I would love to have a whole herbal pharmacy but for now, I'll start with Red Clover!



* Disclaimer* I am not an herbalist. I am not a doctor. I am just a farm girl who likes to grow things and appreciates the medicinal qualities of the herbs that grow around me! While herbs are a wonderful, natural, and God given gift, please consult a professional before experimenting with adding herbs to your health regimen. Also, this book was given to me at no cost but I am not being compensated for this post. My thoughts are 100% my own.

I feel like it has been forever since I blogged due to the wonderful guest posts I have had in the past week! If you haven't had a chance to check them out take a few minutes to read It's All About Choices and Arpita's Journey. They are both wonderfully written and honest accounts of their very different yet similar journeys with infertility.

I have been so excited about all of the things going on with Life, Loss, and Other Things lately with the recent, ongoing and giveaways to come. If you haven't yet entered to win the Multifunctional Coach Tote/Diaper bag you should! It has so many potential uses regardless of if you are expecting, mourning a loss, still trying, S-T-I-L-L trying, or Done with a capital D! If you have already entered, remember that you can get extra entries for sharing and tweeting about the giveaway (up to 2 times a day)!

I am currently in the "Two Week Wait" and, for the first time in a while, a little hopeful! I am excited for a couple of new reasons! I will be reviewing and hosting a giveaway for ovulation AND pregnancy tests at the end of my cycle! This is great news for you! Free things to pee on? It almost doesn't get better than that!

And, if Aunt Flo decided to show up and spoil my parade (and even if she doesn't!) I won't be thoroughly heart broken. Why? Because I get to try out Gladrags! These are washable and reusable feminine pads! I use cloth diapers part time with Joey- why shouldn't I be willing to do the same for myself. So be watching for that as well!

By the powers of facebook, I have had a wonderful opportunity to "meet" a lovely lady who does hand stamped jewelry and memorial jewelry who is probably working on a ring for me right now. She is also going to be sponsoring a giveaway in a few weeks as well! Seriously! How exciting is that?!

Last night I received and email that made me so excited that I nearly jumped out of my chair. I literally clapped and did a happy dance. I was sent a copy of a book about herbs for fertility, pregnancy, and through baby's first year. I am so excited to be able to read this and share it with you! I also have some garden and herb progress that I am eager to share. There is so much more ahead but I can't list it all. Where is the fun in that?

The coming weeks are going to so much fun and I look forward to sharing a ton of information, cool stuff, and my journey with you all.

Of the things I mentioned, what are you most excited to read about?

As Arpita and her husband enter their fourth year of trying to conceive their first child, she is trying to embrace the lessons the universe still has to teach her. Arpita wears her heart on her sleeve on her blog, about trying to conceive both naturally and with medical help, the infertility experience, natural parenting and everything and anything in mommy-world including easy recipes and loads of Give Aways. She blogs at Up, Down & Natural. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.

When you start trying to conceive there is no shortage of stories of "friends of a friend of an aunt" and the "I know someone who". First the stories start off with the "I know someone who... got pregnant the first month off birth control. No period or anything!" You start to convince yourself, of course we won't have any trouble! We are young, healthy, don't smoke, don't do drugs... and we waited for the right time in our lives. We have been so responsible with this decision. We're not some dumb teenagers just hopping into bed! All signs point to baby... Then, as the years crank on of the TTC drudgery, and doctors appointments and tests, you start wondering if all the tests and procedures are accurate, and how deep the doctors looked in to things. You start wondering, maybe they switched our "normal" results with someone else's. Even though everyone is all healthy you start almost, just almost, wishing that something were wrong so there would be something to fix!

This fall, after delaying it for well over a year, my husband and I are scheduled for an IUI with medical injections (COH) in September. I was so hopeful leading up to the procedure that I would be one of those lucky women who, like my sister, was scheduled for more aggressive fertility treatments and then at the last moment found out they were pregnant and didn't need to go through with it. These are the stories you start to hear after two, three... going in to four years of trying to conceive. The "I know someone who tried for 7 years, and as soon as she stopped trying, BAM! She got pregnant!" Of course, I suppose there is still time for me to miraculously find out I'm pregnant before the procedure... but now it is starting to dawn on me that most people who have to schedule fertility treatments do infact have to also go through with having fertility treatments. I guess everyone, myself included, wants to be the exception instead of the rule.

I was trying the whole "not trying" thing, and for a while it was working. Not a care in the world, and for the first time in years I started thinking about the fact that maybe I did want to progress further in my career and maybe having the delay in having a baby was a good thing. Of course, that lasted about a minute before realizing that the only real thing I've been sure of is that God put me on this planet to be a mother. I'm still on a "break" of sorts and not using any ovulation predictor strips, acupuncture or anything else this month. Just a few herbs and vitamins that I should be on even if we weren't trying to conceive. I've read and re-read Maria's post "It Isn't Always About Me" about 1000 times. I keep trying to tell myself that, and even though deep inside me I know it's the truth and there must be a plan for us, I'm having such a hard time tearing myself away from the though that it's just not fair. I think everyone struggles with the thoughts of what they know they should think and feel, and what they DO think and feel. It's such a negative trap but I keep thinking to myself "Well..... if I just had ONE baby, at least then maybe I could come to terms with the fact that of course God has a better plan for us." But the fact that me not being a mother might be in God's plan just doesn't make sense to me.

Over the years, I've met and talked with other women who have been trying to conceive, and having trouble trying to conceive. One of the true blessings of my blog is that I've been able to help many women who have had struggles cope and not feel along as they go on to celebrate their pregnancies. Part of me does wonder, maybe this is the point of it all. Maybe my struggles have been to help others. However... something does keep nagging at me. Over the years, I've had other TTC friends tell me before they didn't understand why some women just didn't want children. This always strikes me as odd, since it was always crystal clear to me. I would say to them, I totally understood it. I believe wholeheartedly that God has put this want and deep maternal desire within me because he has given me the ability to be an amazing mother and I truly feel within me that it's my purpose in life. I used to tell my friends that women who claim that they don't want children might have another purpose in life, and that's why God never filled them with this deep maternal desire. Now I don't consider myself to be very religious, but I do believe in God. On those really tough days, I start to wonder if maybe I'm supposed to learn some other lesson like "Suck it up, Princess. You can't always get what you want..." The rational side of me knows that this likely is not the case. However, the emotional, hormonal side who has spent the last three years congratulating other women on their pregnancies while I don a fake smile, and yet again push away the tears wonders if I'll always be the guest at the Baby Shower, instead of the one it's thrown for.

My mother, who I speak daily with about mine and my husband's struggles has often told me that being pregnant is such a small part of being a mother, and there are always other options. I do agree with her that pregnancy is a very short time period in being a parent, but I also think it's a defining one. I would give anything to know what it feels like to have another human being growing inside me, and using my body for nourishment. To create life with my husband, and help bring another human being into the world is something that has always been my dream.

At the end of the day, I have to trust the fact that deep in my soul, I do know that I will be a mother. I do truly believe I would not have this deep of a desire for it, if it were not meant to be in some capacity. I'm not certain in what way I will come to that end, but I do know that it is the destination I am headed for. What each day is teaching me, is that I must learn whatever lessons it is that God is placing before me, and try to enjoy the journey to that destination.

I am so happy to be able to share this post with you all. In the 8 months that I have been blogging I have been able to "meet" some of the most wonderful people with whom there is just a special connection. With Arpita, we are able to commiserate through our frustrations with TTC and laugh to the point I have tears in my eyes. She decided it was entertainment enough to share it with all of you on a post called:

Give It Up, Google. You Don't Have Kids, and You're Not A Doctor.

Stay tuned for more information on the fantastic website that has been born because of this conversation. Take that infertility!

1. I was having some... um... digestive upset and was headed to the bathroom in a hurry. I anticipated it being a long visit and wanted some reading material. I didn't have much time to select a book so I grabbed the closest book I could find. I thoroughly enjoyed my quiet time with the big red dog.
2. I have caffeine addiction. This was made abundantly clear when Gavin (3) has started asking me questions prefaced with, "Mommy, after you have some 'caffeine' will you..."

3. I love dressing my kids like my husband and then going on a family trip. Today was Walmart. The only thing missing was a couple of mullets.
4. Gavin will be going to a two day a week preschool in a month. I am excited to have some time for just Joey and I, but I am petrified of the notes I will get from his teacher. For instance, Gavin makes up words ALL the time. He will say silly words, use them in sentences, and even try to explain what they mean. I had to actively ignore him when he said a silly word that was pronounced fuh-key. Then today he said something was kin-key. Great. Perfect. His teachers are going to think that we are sex crazed potty mouths. Totally rethinking preschool.

5. I probably remind Gavin to use an "inside voice" about 30 times a day. I remind Joey too but he NEVER listens. If whatever they is doing is funny, I let it go... for a while... I know it is probably confusing but sometimes parenting is about bending the rules.