In a very heartfelt and deep discussion about infertility and God, the author of this post moved me to tears. I will never know what it feels like to to be in her shoes and I am so touched that she was willing to share her journey with us. It is a journey that we can all learn from.

Many young girls grow up with the same dream; to one day meet the man of your dreams, get married and have children. I was no different. I have heard that many young girls even dream of their wedding day….what their colors will be, who will be in the wedding, where it will happen etc and while I can honestly say I never dreamt about those things, I always knew I would have kids and be a good mom one day.

I grew up the oldest of five kids and early on in my life took on that “mother” role with all my brothers and sisters. It just seemed to come naturally to me. I never questioned having children. I never had that fear I hear new mothers talk about. Those unanswered questions…how will I know this or how will I know that. I just knew my instinct would kick in and I would be good at being a mom.

My journey to finding the right man and getting married was a long and difficult one. I dated a man for nearly ten years who really wasn’t a good person for me. It wasn’t a healthy relationship but I was in love and I was going to make it work….of course it didn’t. In the meantime, I have a sister who is five years younger than me and a sister who is nine years younger than me, both of whom got married before me as well as one of my younger brothers. One of my sisters even had her first child. As the oldest sibling, you watch everyone else going through the things you always thought you would do first and hearing that time clock ticking, I wondered if I would ever have the chance to be that mother I really wanted to be. Then one day in the least likely of places and when I least likely expected it, I met my future husband. After our third date I just knew this was the man I was going to marry. I had just turned 35 years old. Two months before my 37^th birthday, we walked down the aisle. We talked about having children and we were on the same page. Being that we were both in our 30’s, we were prepared to start our family right away. My sister even toasted us at our wedding for a “honeymoon baby”. We all laughed and I felt certain that was exactly what was going to happen.

Months passed with no pregnancy results so the new journey of ovulation kits and all that goes with trying to get pregnant began. Soon I started finding myself buying a pregnancy test every time I was a day or two late only to be disappointed by the results and a few days later, proof that those results were correct. Soon every month became unbearable hoping that this would be the month. We finally decided to go have the fertility tests just to make sure there were nothing wrong and that maybe it was just my stress level of wanting to get pregnant so badly. We talked about what we would do depending on the results of those tests. We both agreed that we were not going to do anything drastic to get pregnant, we just wanted some answers.

Well answers we got and they weren’t the ones I was hoping for. My husband and I were likely not going to conceive on our own. Our only options were invitro or donor eggs. And so began the next journey of my life called heartbreak that I would come to experience over and over. We had already decided we were not going to travel the invitro road. We were told and knew there were no guarantees with that and I just knew I was not strong enough emotionally to put myself through all of that, did not want to put a financial burden on us nor did I want to put our marriage through that kind of emotional turmoil. The only thing I could really consider at this time was perhaps adoption. Unfortunately, my husband did not feel the same way. He always felt and said, “If God wants us to have children, then we will have our own children”. Well what do you say to that? I feel like God can give you children in many different ways and we would be good parents to some child out there who needed us. But that was not meant to be either.

God has a plan….what does that mean? I really was starting to hate that phrase. Was his plan that everyone in my life, sisters, best friends, cousins, co workers, etc. were to have beautiful children all around me while I was expected to show up at all the baby showers, smile, laugh, talk baby talk and pretend that none of it bothered me? Was his plan that I would see people in my line of work who shouldn’t have children or didn’t deserve to have children but had so many they either couldn’t afford them or abused them while I had a safe and loving home that these children could have been born into? Was his plan that I would become so depressed that I would put on so much weight that I hated myself or that I eventually thought the world would be a better place without me?

MAYBE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HIS PLAN WAS……

Maybe God in his infinite wisdom just knew that all my life I was trying to please others and had never taken the time to take care of myself. Maybe God knew that I could not do his work, whatever that may be, until I took the time to become a healthy person, mind, body and soul.

Trust me when I say, this revelation, this ah ha moment, this epiphany did not come easy and so starts another journey…. The journey of self-discovery.

Fast forward to nine married years, 2 nieces, 5 nephews and 5 god children later. Here is what I have learned: I don’t really know what God’s plan is for me and it doesn’t really matter anymore. Whatever it is, I will try to live my best life discovering both his path for me and my own path that I create. While certain things may trigger sadness over not having my own children, (like an unexpected Christmas announcement from my youngest sister that one more is on the way), I no longer dwell on that sadness but feel the emotion and move forward. I have made peace with not having my own biological children, and am very blessed by all the children in my life and the joy they bring to me. And while I may never be a “mother”, I will most certainly be the BEST Aunt, god-mother, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, wife and friend I know how to be. And while my Journey is far from over, and my self- discovery is an ongoing process, I now enjoy getting out of bed in the morning to see what TODAY will bring.

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Today started bright and early and almost frantic. If I was more organized I would have had bags packed for the boys, who were going to be enjoying a day at the pool, but instead I ran around like crazy at the last minute. I got everyone out the door and to the pool with enough time to get the boys set up with my in-laws and slide back into the truck for the appointment with Dr. M. I tend to get stressed out easily about the littlest things, like did I remember to leave sunblock for the boys? Did I put the milk in the fridge? I must have forgotten something? Oh well. Too late now. It is time for some answers! I drove the 20 miles to the office, sipping on a diet tasteless beverage and enjoyed actually hearing the uninterrupted lyrics of the radio. Then, when it dawned on me where I was actually going and what I was potentially about to hear, my heart started racing. I got unbelievably nervous.

I walked quickly through the parking lot past all of the handicapped parking spaces and valets and walked quickly to the elevators. I remembered the way and was vividly recalling the nervous excitement I used to have when I was going to ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Joey. This time, I lacked the excitement. I felt more like I was walking toward the lobster tank at a grocery store. For some people they would be excited about a seafood dinner. For me, it just makes my stomach turn and while I can tolerate the salty smell, I certainly don't look forward to it. I open the door and enter the small waiting area. When I say small, I mean there is a love seat sofa awkwardly pushed against a wall and about 8 chairs along the other 3 walls. When there are people sitting on both sides of the room, feet are about 6 inches from touching toes. Somehow they manage to have a water cooler, magazine rack and the signature candy dish too.

I told the kind lady at the window my name and chose a seat closest to the door. In fact, so close to the door that when I crossed my legs, I was tucking my toes on the door frame so that if someone walked in they wouldn't get inadvertently kicked. I then casually searched around the room trying to read the faces of the other patients. There were two couples and another woman sitting, leafing through magazines. While most people would just see anxious faces catching up on some celebrity gossip I saw something very different. Each woman had a gauge floating above their heads clearly indicating if their uterus was empty or full. Of course, I have no way of telling if I was right, but I swear I could tell if they were there for an ultrasound of their little bean(s) or if they were there for something else. Above my head floated a gauge clearly indicating I was running on empty.

One by one, the patients were called back to see the doctor and I read up on all of the celebrity babies and the fashion disasters of Hollywood. Then... finally... I heard my name and looked up to see my doctor standing at the doorway. We went to his office and sat down. It was at this moment that my heart started racing and I started to have flashbacks to my public speaking course in college (that I had to retake because I failed the first time). I began to tell the story of the last year chronologically all the while my voice felt shaky. Once I wrapped up the short version of the story and had it all out on the table, I waited for the tell tale nod or shake of the head indicating that the next 2 years of my life were going to be spent without a baby bump.

I looked at Dr. M's face and tried to decipher his crooked quizzical look as he made notes on my file. He stood from the table walked to a bookshelf and said, "You don't need to wait."

"REALLY!?" I questioned.

Really. I have been given the thumbs up to try and he also doesn't think that Doug's sperm counts will be significantly impacted by the drugs either! He is going to do a semen analysis to see where things are anyway, but after all of the turmoil I put myself through in the last weeks and months, this is the best news I could have imagined. Just one more reason why Dr. Google is not the way to go.

Granted, this news doesn't make me any more pregnant than I was yesterday but I have so much more hope than I had before. My tank might be on empty but I am totally allowed to get a fill up! As we were walking out of the office together, I had to make sure I heard him right. I shared that I should be ovulating as early as today and wanted to make sure that we could try. He, again, said yes. I was shocked and thrilled.

And just because it made us laugh, I'll share with you... Gavin has been on a kick where whenever he hears the word "try" he says, "Yoda says don't try. Do." When Doug and I were talking about the appointment today and I told Doug that Dr. M said we were fine to try, Gavin piped up from the back seat, "Mom, Yoda says don't try. Just Do It!"

"We will honey. We will."

Thank you everyone for the good wishes, prayers and support!

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I used to do my best thinking in the car. Then Gavin turned 3. It is rare that I can make a trip anywhere without a barrage of questions. On our grocery trip this afternoon I answered questions like, "What type of fuel does a cement mixer use- gasoline or diesel?" And, "How do you get to the top of of that tower (a cell phone tower)?" And my personal favorite was, "How does God make people?" So, you can see how being alone with my thoughts is a rare occasion. But, tonight, somewhere between Sam's Club and home, I was graced by a break in the questions just long enough to have an epiphany.

I often hear people say that God wants us to be happy. He doesn't want to see us hurting. He wouldn't break our hearts. People want to blame all that is contrary to what we dream of and hope for on Satan or anyone but God. This is what I think:

God's priority isn't our happiness. His priority is that we have faith, do His will, His work, and share His word. I think that if we do these things we will find and experience happiness but it isn't like God says, "Let me see what I can do to make Maria happy today." It is the opposite. I need to do a better job of waking up every morning and spending time thinking about how I am going to make Him happy.

As I am anticipating my appointment on Friday, I am really spending a lot of time thinking about happiness and what Gods wants for me. Right now, my thinking that sounds a lot like, "I want God's will but, man, am I ever hoping that God's will is for me to get what I want." I am human. I am struggling a lot with this.

At me appointment, I will hopefully learn what my likely options will be and that is when the real discussions will take place. I know that talk about assisted reproduction can get heated, intense, and feeling sometimes get hurt. I really hope that all of you who are on this journey with me, can respect each other and me when I talk through some of my personal thoughts on these topics. I don't know what direction, if any, I will go, but I hope that we can at least have a civil discussion if it comes up. I am sure that no one participates in fertility treatments without giving it a lot of thought, so I will never judge anyone for the decisions they make. I ask the same in return.

Since this was such a "deep" post, I'll end with a smile. I found this drawing on Gavin's desk the other night after I tucked him into bed. Despite the fact I have such little hair and a HUGE nose and look more like a Muppet, I love it!

I invited Leteia from Anchors Away to kick off the 'We Salute You' tribute to military spouses who sacrifice so much for our country. Her button will be on my homepage for the month of August. She was kind enough to share her story of life as a military spouse and specifically about motherhood. Enjoy her post and be sure to stop by and visit her blog! As always, I invite anyone who is serving in the military to fill out THIS form for free ad space on my blog.

Hello Everyone! First let me say that I am very honored to be doing this guest blog over here at Life, Loss, and Other Things Worth Mentioning. Although I have never experienced a loss like Maria and many of you have, I have a lot of trials and tribulations that I go through on a daily basis as a Military Wife. Before I start, let me tell you a little about myself.

Like I said before I am a Navy wife. My husband and I have been together since high school and made the decision together that he should join the Navy. He went to enlisted boot camp and the day he graduated we were married at the court house in Chicago. We hung out for a few hours that day and then he was off to Pensacola! That right there sums up our life. He is gone a lot and during many important times. Since then, so shorten this up a bit, we have been married 10 years, had three daughters (ages 9, 5, and 3), went through two 6-8 month deployments, a 3 ½ month separation for him to go to Officer Candidate School, and many missed birthdays and holidays. Now we are currently stationed in Jacksonville, FL and in a month he will be off on a 6+ month deployment.

For this post I really wanted to focus on pregnancy and birth when your husband is away. For our first daughter, my husband was there for it all. For our second daughter he was there for the first few months of pregnancy and gone for the birth. With our youngest, he was there for the pregnancy, birth, and then left two weeks after she was born. So I have three totally different experiences and I have learned many things and had to do things that I never thought I would be doing alone. Gong through these different experiences is tough, lonely, and hard, but at the same time I am a much stronger person because of these experiences than if I had not went through them.

In 2005 my husband and I had just purchased a house, were in the process of totally renovating it when we found out that 1. I was pregnant with our second child and 2. That he was going on a 6 month deployment in a few months. I was happy for the baby since we had been trying for over a year to conceive. But, boy was I scared that I would have to pretty much do it alone. We were stationed in Brunswick, Maine and far away from any family to help me out (we are from Michigan). And at the time, friends were pretty scarce. It takes a while to make good friends whenever you move. Soon after all that news, we discovered that the base where we were stationed was set to be closed. That meant the house we just bought and fixed up for our needs was to go on the market and I had to sell (and also move!) while the husband was on deployment.

About a month before the baby was due I finally sold the house, found a rental, and gathered up some guys to help me move. So I (and our 3 year old) moved, got as unpacked and settled as we could, and started getting ready for the new baby. I was due on November 11^th and late on October 30^th I started having contractions. I called up a friend and asked her to take me to the hospital, grabbed my bag and a bag for my 3 year old and off we went. It was getting really late so after I was settled in the room I told my friend to go home with the kids (we both had one) so they could get to sleep. In all reality I was terrified of being all alone, with no one to hold my hand.

As soon as I arrived to the hospital I told the nurse to contact the Red Cross to let my husband know that I was at the hospital and going into labor. During deployments I have no way to reach him, even in emergencies. So after a few hours I was ready to start pushing and as luck would have it, as soon as I was ready to push her out, my cell phone rang and it was my husband. He called just in the nick of time to hear her first cry. Two days after I took her home from the hospital he was back home (they let him come back a few weeks early). It was kind of funny, when he was getting a ride home he had to call and ask me for directions to his own house. That may seem crazy to some but it’s how we live, like it or not.

Exactly two years later we were getting ready to have baby #3. Husband was home for the birth this time, good thing because it was a crazy birth story (we will save that for a later post). Two weeks after baby 3 was born we were saying good bye to daddy and we had to live the first 7 months of her life just the four of us, in Maine, in the middle of winter. It was tough but we made it through.

How to go through these situations alone:

1. Ask for help! It has taken me many years to get this one down. I am the type of person who has always been one to do everything by myself and I have realized that sometimes you just need someone else to lean on. Every time we move I have noticed that it takes about a year to make really good friends, ones that you can count on in emergencies and that you trust your children with. We just moved to FL, in a neighborhood away from base, and my husband is going out to sea very soon, I have been making sure to chat up everyone in the neighborhood, make new friends, and see who I can count on in tough times.

2. If possible have family come and stay with you or go to them! I wish I would have done that early on, but I didn’t and I had many days where I wished my mom or dad were there to help me wrangle the little ones. Many spouses (with young children) go home for the 6 month deployments, some days I wished I had as well!

3. Try to stay as stress free as possible. Something I never did and boy was I stressed out for 9 years straight! Now I make sure to take time for myself, take a bath when they are asleep, have a friend watch them so I can get my hair or nails done or take a trip to the grocery store by myself. Anything! I also look forward to Sunday’s at church when the kids are in their own classes and I can have an hour to sit and listen and reflect.

4. Know your limits. At one point I was taking on way too much stuff for one person. The kids were in school, sports, I was a Girl Scout leader, and I was attending school more than full time. I was close to having a mental breakdown! So I scaled back the girls’ activities, we stayed at home more, and enjoyed each other’s company instead of being on the go all the time.

5. Believe in yourself! Being confident that you can achieve what you want is important. Whenever my husband goes on deployment I set goals for myself. Not only does it keep my mind off him being gone, it gives me time to work on myself or start a project that I have been wanting to do. Which also helps with the ‘me’ time! I have learned to never second guess myself. I have to make a lot of decisions on my own, since communication is few and far between.

6. Know you are a good parent. There have many, many days where I think, wow, my parenting skills are really lacking today! But between the fights, accidents, screaming and crying sometimes it’s okay to be a less than stellar parent. If you don’t feel like making dinner, it’s okay to give them cereal or pb&j. Sometimes I am so over their fighting; I just let them work it out themselves and most of the time it comes out okay. Take a mommy time out or if they are being bad, naps for everyone! It is really hard to raise children on your own and I have finally realized that I will never be a perfect parent, as much as I want to be, it just isn’t going to happen. So I do my best and that’s the best I can do.

So the whole point of this story is that many times, as a military spouse, I have been required to do things that I didn’t want to do, but in the end I have become a stronger person. On my journey over the last 10 years I have learned a lot, and let me tell you, I have changed a lot. When I do go back home to visit family & friends many people comment on how differently I view life and go about things than they do. This has been a great journey and I really wouldn’t change much if I had the chance. Of course all the lonely nights and frustration of being a ‘single parent’ while he is away I wish I could change but I know that what we are doing is for the greater good and I know that there are many people out there that are thankful for our sacrifice. I am proud to say that I am a military wife and that my husband is protecting our country, even if that means a few missed holidays/births/school events/etc. along the way.