I used to do my best thinking in the car. Then Gavin turned 3. It is rare that I can make a trip anywhere without a barrage of questions. On our grocery trip this afternoon I answered questions like, "What type of fuel does a cement mixer use- gasoline or diesel?" And, "How do you get to the top of of that tower (a cell phone tower)?" And my personal favorite was, "How does God make people?" So, you can see how being alone with my thoughts is a rare occasion. But, tonight, somewhere between Sam's Club and home, I was graced by a break in the questions just long enough to have an epiphany.

I often hear people say that God wants us to be happy. He doesn't want to see us hurting. He wouldn't break our hearts. People want to blame all that is contrary to what we dream of and hope for on Satan or anyone but God. This is what I think:

God's priority isn't our happiness. His priority is that we have faith, do His will, His work, and share His word. I think that if we do these things we will find and experience happiness but it isn't like God says, "Let me see what I can do to make Maria happy today." It is the opposite. I need to do a better job of waking up every morning and spending time thinking about how I am going to make Him happy.

As I am anticipating my appointment on Friday, I am really spending a lot of time thinking about happiness and what Gods wants for me. Right now, my thinking that sounds a lot like, "I want God's will but, man, am I ever hoping that God's will is for me to get what I want." I am human. I am struggling a lot with this.

At me appointment, I will hopefully learn what my likely options will be and that is when the real discussions will take place. I know that talk about assisted reproduction can get heated, intense, and feeling sometimes get hurt. I really hope that all of you who are on this journey with me, can respect each other and me when I talk through some of my personal thoughts on these topics. I don't know what direction, if any, I will go, but I hope that we can at least have a civil discussion if it comes up. I am sure that no one participates in fertility treatments without giving it a lot of thought, so I will never judge anyone for the decisions they make. I ask the same in return.

Since this was such a "deep" post, I'll end with a smile. I found this drawing on Gavin's desk the other night after I tucked him into bed. Despite the fact I have such little hair and a HUGE nose and look more like a Muppet, I love it!