Since Gavin was born, Doug was really hopeful that I would home school our children. We would have various conversations over the years and I always could tell that, while our conversations were left open ended, he was pretty sure that homeschooling was what was best for our children. Not that it is necessary, but my degree is in education. I taught other people's children for a few years before my finding my dream job of writing behavior support plans for adults with mental retardation and/or developmental delays. So, I should be qualified. But am I really?

I am pretty sure that this is the route I want to go but when the time comes to make it official, I'm afraid that I will panic. What if Doug's health is more involved and I am needing to tend to him more often. What if Gavin's learning needs exceed what I feel qualified to teach? I can barely get the dishes done, laundry folded, and shower, let alone actively teach my children everything they need to know to be successful adults. Come on! Who am I fooling? I don't get the laundry done now. The dishes are an all day event done in 15 second intervals between policing Gavin and Joey, and removing every inedible item within a 3 mile radius from Joey's mouth. And shower? This weekend I shaved my legs for the first time in two weeks. No wait. It was longer! I shaved around the time I ovulated! You are welcome, Doug. That was the 16th of June.

So adding schooling on top of this sounds to be impossible. And what about if a third (or dare I say a fourth) child enters into the equation? How would I ever be able to teach my children if I am nursing a newborn, changing diapers on a toddler, and cooking an edible dinner for my family? My legs would have hair like a neanderthal and I would have to look into how to manage dreadlocks.

This is the inner dialogue I have on almost a daily basis. I want to, but how can I? I can do it but can I do it well? Will I be short changing my children? Will they get the best education? Will being taught by the people who love them the most, make up for the fact that their mom could pass for a wilder beast with piles of laundry at each end of the sofa instead of homemade pillows?

I would love to hear from all of the moms out there (present and future) who are facing or faced this decision. Were you sure? Did you have reservations? Do you have any advice or resources that you found helpful? Am I crazy for thinking (at times) that I just can't handle anything else?



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When I was in high school we had to write a thesis paper on any topic we chose. I would love to be able to find that paper. The general topic was causes of Autism. This would have been written in the early 1990's when Autism was just starting to become a more well known diagnosis. The very limited books that dared talk about what causes autism speculated that it was either physiological or environmental. Most often it was the mother that was picked on in the latter explanation. As I wrote that paper, now nearly 20 years ago, (wow... I am getting old) I had to believe that it was physiological. Wires got crossed somehow. There were too many loving, caring, sweet moms out there who were dealing with a child with Autism. It couldn't have been lack of love.

Now, 20 years later, with 2 children of my own and seeing more and more speculation of what causes autism including vaccinations and household cleaning supplies, I have found myself thinking about this topic again. The rates of diagnosed Autism "increased dramatically since the 1980s" according to Wikipedia. That made me wonder what else was going on in the 1980's that could directly impact children. The second wave of the women's movement started in the 1960's and was winding down in the 1980's. Women had read their copy of The Feminine Mystique and realized that they didn't have to be "stuck" at home. They felt like they were finally living the life that they had always dreamed. They got to got to work outside the home, be taken seriously in the workplace, and make competitive wages in the job of their choice. These are all good things, right?

In 1976, the phrase "Keeping up With the Joneses" was reintroduced by way of an article on parenting styles. Mother's were less concerned about tarnishing the family name and more concerned about making sure their child had all of the "things" that the other kids had. I am guessing that this is when kids learned to use the phrase, "Everybody else has one." or "Johnny's mom got him one!" Consumerism took over as the priority and mothering took a backseat. So, in order to make sure that they could buy all of the thingamabobs and thingamajigs that the neighbors did, they had to work. Who had time to take care of the babies?
At a very young age, sometimes at just a few months old, these babies had to be handed over to someone else to feed them, hold them, and change diapers during working hours. Sometime it would be many different "someones" over the course of the first years. At the most fragile developmental stages of a young infants life, we ask them to form attachments to many caregivers. Many different arms, smells, smiles, faces, eyes, and mom is just one of many people who feed them, burp them, and hold them. Then, when the child should be developing socially, we are surprised when they aren't sure who to trust, who to look at, who to talk to. They choose what has been the safest environment to them. What has always been consistent. The world within their own heads.

I am not trying to say that all children that went to daycare have Autism. I am not saying that all children that have moms who stay home, will not. I just find it to be a very interesting correlation that the feminist movement was getting women out into the work force, consumerism was keeping them there, and the diagnosis of Autism increased.

I recognize that this is something that could never be proven or disproven since there are so many variables that cannot be controlled. I just think that it is worth thinking about. If you are on the fence about staying home with your child or returning to work, think about how very important you are to your baby and his/her development. It isn't just ensuring that you baby gets food and sleep at the right times so that you can afford the thingamajigs. It is about always being the one who responds to your babies cries and teaching them that no matter what, they can always expect you to make them feel better. I know that sometimes a woman has to work in order to put food on the table, as in a single parent family, but please prioritize your child's mental health over your own, especially in those very important developmental years.

I know that this might be a controversial post. I am not trying to offend anyone. Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts with me. Even if they aren't similar.

Ever since I told friends and family that I planned to stay home with my children (whenever they came into the picture) I heard one of two things. Either I was commended for choosing to stay home and raise my children, or, usually from other mothers or mothers to be, I would hear how they wished they could stay home with their children but they have to work due to financial reasons. I always bite my tongue when I hear the latter.

What financial reasons? I would argue that it is cheaper to stay home. I save the money on gas, childcare, and work attire. It's true. I own one pair of high heels. I wore them once. I spend most every day in either sweatpants, jeans, or sometimes, pajamas. I would never win any fashion contest. I have used the same jeans and sweaters for 5 years. My children wear hand-me-downs from their older cousins. They don't have picturesque bedrooms. They have a place to sleep, a place for clothes, and a place to sit. Don't get me wrong. They aren't slumming it but while I would love to have window seats and bookshelves from Pottery Barn Kids, they have $10.00 bookshelves from Walmart. They serve the intended purpose. We don't go on cruises, get manicures, or drive luxury automobiles. Our big date nights usually include doing our grocery shopping and picking up some Chinese carry-out. We can food, bake bread, make pasta, and have a garden to save money. We do what we need to do in order to make it possible for me to stay home.

Being a mom is the best job in the world and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love knowing that I am the person raising my children every hour of every day. So,
when those moms say that they have to work, I don't want to offend them but I think they have their priorities misaligned. I would much rather clip coupons, vacation on my living room floor with a movie, hunt for bargains and sales, wear 6 year old sweat pants, and be a good parent for the rest of my life. I don't doubt that working moms love their children. I just think that moms belong at home. Money is not a good enough excuse for not parenting your children. All day. Every day.