I am going to give this a shot today since I feel like I need an opportunity to pour my heart out.

I am sitting here waiting for each day to pass to determine what my mood is going to be. I already know that, even if I try really really hard to stay positive, if I end up with a negative pregnancy test this month, I am going to be heartbroken. Every month without a pregnancy is hard but this month is different. Due to the medications Doug needs to take to get better, his fertility is going to significantly diminished. Everything I have read says that it is highly unlikely that we will conceive while he is on the medication. Since his treatment is going to last anywhere from 2-3 years, I can't help but feel like my dreams of a large family are being threatened. I will be 35 this summer and time isn't exactly on our side in that regard, not to mention that Doug is already in his 40's. I love my boys and I can't think of anything better for them than to have more siblings to grow up with, play with, learn from, and share with.

This is really hard for me to write about since I really don't want Doug to feel like he needs to focus on anything other than his health. He is my priority. His healthy is most important to me. But, I would be lying if I said that I am not devastated to learn that pregnancy may not be a part of our lives for 3 years. I am trying really hard to remind myself that God has a plan but right now, I am feeling like this plan really sucks. I have a few more days before I can rule out a pregnancy for this month so I am praying that we timed thing right and that this really low point for both of us can turn into a wonderful blessing while Doug heals.

Today I am 8 days past ovulation (for those of you following my TTC journey). I will keep you posted in the coming days as to those results.