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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Things People Say

I have seen many posts and articles where people list all of the things that people say to them in the midst of a loss that are really not helpful. I, too, have heard many of these comments as well and hated them just as much as the next girl. I will list a few of my "favorites".

  • Well, at least you know you can get pregnant!
  • Something must have been wrong with your baby.
  • It wasn't in God's plan, I guess.
  • Keep trying. It will happen.
  • Just relax.
Anyone who has had a loss knows just how irritating it can be to hear these words from a well meaning friend or family member. But, now, I will share with you a confession. A few weeks after a loss, I secretly tell myself all of these things. I don't know why it hurts so much when others try to tell me these things, but it is okay if I have come to this conclusion on my own.

I was thankful that at least getting pregnant hadn't been an issue. I knew from doctors (both real and Dr. Google) that the most likely cause for my losses was something was genetically wrong with my baby. I was sad that that my baby wasn't in God's plan, but how can I argue with God's perfect plan? I would just have to keep trying. I knew I would get pregnant again and, when the timing was right for God, I would carry a baby to term. What I needed to do was relax and let God take the lead.

I don't know why it hurts so much to hear these bits truths from others. I think that maybe we assume that when they say these things they aren't recognizing how hurt we really are. Maybe it seems like they are trying to look for a silver lining regarding our loss when, at that moment, there is no silver and there is no lining. When a loved one dies unexpectedly, no one spends time trying to give you the silver lining at a funeral. Everyone needs to grieve and at a funeral, people respect that. With a miscarriage, especially an early one, there is no funeral. There is no "grace period". People seemed to expect me to bounce back right away and get on with life. Which I did for the most part, but there was a long and lingering ache that was very deep and painful. Without warning, it could get opened up with an innocently meant, "It wasn't meant to be." I knew they were right but I didn't want anyone else to tell me that.

Maybe it is more about being forced to confront something that we don't like to think about. Like if I need to organize a cluttered closet, I don't want someone else to look at my closet and tell me what a wreck it is. Or if I am having a bad hair day, I don't want someone to point out that my hair looks bad. Or better yet, if I have gained a few pounds and someone dared walk up to me and tell me that I look a little fluffier than usual, I would cry myself all the way to the closest ice cream parlor.

So, what should you say to someone who has had a loss? Keep it simple, heartfelt, and honest. If you don't know what to say, tell them that you don't know what to say. When you start making stuff up is when you will get yourself into trouble. "I'm sorry for your loss," goes a long way.

For those who have had losses, what is the best and/or worst things people have said to you?

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