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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Thursday, May 5, 2011

My Mental Cycle

Oh, how I long for the days when having my period meant nothing other than refraining from wearing white pants. Not that I would ever wear white pants because if black is slimming then white must be fattening and I certainly don't need that! In those days, my menstrual cycle was defined as the four days where I was a little uncomfortable and had to make more trips to the bathroom. Maybe an occasional Women's Tylenol to knock out some cramps but that was it. Then, about four weeks later the cycles started again. Big deal. Now that I willingly passed through that revolving door of trying to conceive, my cycles are very much the same but my mental cycles are much different.

It starts with the lowest low of the mental cycle. The devastation of another cycle that didn't end after a 10 month hiatus and a baby in my arms. Then, as if the heartbreak isn't bad enough, cramps make me want to lay in bead and do nothing. Well, nothing but think about how much I wish I would have been pregnant. Then the hormonal headaches set in. Oh. Gee, thanks. But shortly after the worst part is over, that is when I do a little emotional eating. Chocolate always makes me feel better. Since I have to go to the store to get some chocolate, I may as well pick up some cheese sticks, chocolate chip cookies, ice cream, chips and dip, hmmmm, am I forgetting anything? Oh, yeah. How about a two-liter of Coke to wash it all down. While I am feeling better about another cycles in the can, I now feel crappy since I have probably gained a couple of pounds in a matter of a week. Time for a new attitude.

As week two is approaching I feel good. I am thinking positively. I have my plan, my strategy, my new lease on life. I spend a lot of time day dreaming about due dates and maternity clothes. I think about all of the milestones I will pass and what time of year they will be. As I am in my fertile period, I am really hopeful. We are going to hit this one out of the park. I just know it.

Ofter ovulation is the peak of my mental cycle. To me it feels a lot like walking out of a classroom and into the sunshine after taking a really hard test and thinking I aced it. If I didn't ace it, then I feel confident that I had studied hard and did the best I could. Now I just wait for the Teacher to grade my work. Life kind of sails along for a while. I feel good.

Then, the crazy obsession begins. The temperatures that really don't mean anything are what I live for each day. I can't wait to go to bed at night so that I can see what my temperature is going to be the next day. Every day is full of opportunities to wonder if what I just felt was an early pregnancy symptom, PMS, or just a random bodily issue. As I approach the time where I can begin testing, I start to have doubts. Why should this cycle be any different? Why should this one end better than the last one? Just in case, I decide to look up when I should ovulate next time and what that due date would be.

Let the testing begin! I am very envious of ladies who can sit back and wait for their period to be late. I've tried. Doesn't work for me. It reminds me of when I used to be a smoker and try to quit. I would do well for a while and then it was like something took over my body and drove my car to a gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes and lit one up before I even realized what happened. Same thing happens except the pack that I pick up is at a different store and I pee on them instead of light them. Even though I know I am testing early and don't expect a line to show up that early, I still get disappointed. I tell myself that it is too early and no big deal but after 2 or 3 days of this self talk, I start to ignore me. What do I know? Who am I to tell me to stay positive? Then, I remind myself of the cycles I got negative tests until 12 dpo (days past ovulation) or 13 dpo. This works for another couple of days. The schizophrenic conversation continues until my temperature drops and I can rest assured that my period will be starting again. On to the next cycle.

Today I am starting the testing phase of the cycle and so hopeful. I have been having all sorts of "symptoms" that can be explained away but I am really enjoying daydreaming about them for now. I have been praying a lot asking Him to help me to be patient and that if it is in His will, I would loved to be blessed again with another healthy baby. I welcome any prayers and if you would like for me to say a similar prayer for you please let me know. Strength in numbers, right?


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