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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Stuck

I am stuck.  Stuck between having children and wanting children.  Stuck between being tired of trying and can't stop trying.  Stuck between infertility and infertility.

I know I have said this before, but the fact that I am still not pregnant is beyond me.  I wish I had the opportunity to go back and tell myself that I would deal with infertility after Joey.  I think that had I known that this road was going to be part of my journey, I may have celebrated my pregnancy with Joey a little more.  I think that most women that are pregnant with their "last" really spend time focusing on the pregnancy, the feelings, the emotions, the miracle that is taking place.  I didn't.  I knew it was my second pregnancy but not my last.

Now, I can't quit.  I can't not have my last pregnancy (or at least one where I think it is my last). I want to feel nauseated and appreciate every second.  I want to feel baby kicks for the first time and know that it will likely be my last time to feel every poke, jab, and roll.  I want to plan for the perfect birth.  I want to feel every unbearable contraction and instead of leaning over to Doug and grunting out the words, "Next time I am getting an epidural," I want to know that it is my last time to feel that exhaustion and pain.  I want to hold a newborn and breath in every single sight knowing that this is the last time I will hold a hours old baby, day old baby, two day old baby, ...

I am starting to ache for that child.  When we first started trying, I wanted a baby.  When I miscarried a few months ago, I wanted that baby.  Now, I am aching.  I am hurting.  I am feeling incredibly incomplete.

I am in the end of my 23rd cycle of trying and not feeling especially hopeful.  But, I know that God can perform miracles.  I know that if He wills it, it will happen.  I keep trying to remind myself of this.  I know in my heart that I have another child meant for my womb and meant to call me Mama.

I know that I have kind of drifted to a dark place, but I will never forget that God's plan is perfect.  I just wish I knew when His plan includes me getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. 


1 comments:

Anonymous said...

May you find peace on which ever road God sends you on whether it be a baby from your womb, a gift from another or acceptance of your family as it is. Embrace his plan for your future even when you don't find it to your liking. I pray your heart heals from your losses as well as blessings onto your children. Sometimes we wander in the dark and it's easy to stay lost and let depression take over. Live your life in the light. See the light in your children's eyes or in your husbands love for you. Be thankful to God and your heart will be whole.

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