I am stuck.  Stuck between having children and wanting children.  Stuck between being tired of trying and can't stop trying.  Stuck between infertility and infertility.

I know I have said this before, but the fact that I am still not pregnant is beyond me.  I wish I had the opportunity to go back and tell myself that I would deal with infertility after Joey.  I think that had I known that this road was going to be part of my journey, I may have celebrated my pregnancy with Joey a little more.  I think that most women that are pregnant with their "last" really spend time focusing on the pregnancy, the feelings, the emotions, the miracle that is taking place.  I didn't.  I knew it was my second pregnancy but not my last.

Now, I can't quit.  I can't not have my last pregnancy (or at least one where I think it is my last). I want to feel nauseated and appreciate every second.  I want to feel baby kicks for the first time and know that it will likely be my last time to feel every poke, jab, and roll.  I want to plan for the perfect birth.  I want to feel every unbearable contraction and instead of leaning over to Doug and grunting out the words, "Next time I am getting an epidural," I want to know that it is my last time to feel that exhaustion and pain.  I want to hold a newborn and breath in every single sight knowing that this is the last time I will hold a hours old baby, day old baby, two day old baby, ...

I am starting to ache for that child.  When we first started trying, I wanted a baby.  When I miscarried a few months ago, I wanted that baby.  Now, I am aching.  I am hurting.  I am feeling incredibly incomplete.

I am in the end of my 23rd cycle of trying and not feeling especially hopeful.  But, I know that God can perform miracles.  I know that if He wills it, it will happen.  I keep trying to remind myself of this.  I know in my heart that I have another child meant for my womb and meant to call me Mama.

I know that I have kind of drifted to a dark place, but I will never forget that God's plan is perfect.  I just wish I knew when His plan includes me getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. 

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