Today was the big day.  The day that was supposed to be about hearing a wonderful sound of a heartbeat, that was transformed into an appointment for answers.  Why can a perfectly healthy woman have 7 miscarriages?  The general tests told us nothing substantial.  The more extensive tests came back normal.  The diagnosis of "bad luck" isn't going to fly anymore.  Or is it?

I was so nervous for this appointment.  I think it was out of shear nervousness that I made time to put on make up, paint my fingernails, and put on earrings.  If you don't already know, I can do a weeks worth of laundry and not fold anything other than underwear, pajamas, yoga pants, and t-shirts.  Today, I was getting ready as if I was on my way to a job interview.  Okay.  Not a job interview for a position at a law firm, but a well regarded gas station. 

As I arrived at the office, I was relieved to see an empty waiting room.  I sat and at the same moment I got out my phone to check facebook, I was called back.  I was shocked when the took me to an exam room since it was just a consult and there was no need to get naked.  Thank goodness because I totally didn't shave my legs!  I waited in the not so comfy chair in the corner of the room that is intended for the husbands to squirm in as their expectant wife gets a pap smear.  I looked at my phone, did some facebook-ing, read a pamphlet and listened to the other exam room doors open and close. 

About 40 minutes later, in walks the white coats. 

My RE and a resident sidekick comes in the room and we get right right to the small talk.  Then, a deep breath and I show him the list of tests that I came across regarding recurrent losses.  I watched my doctor transform from a gentle practitioner to a very practical fact-based scientist.  The three of us hunched over the list of tests and my file and located 5-8 tests out of the 25-30 tests I was inquiring about.  Then, just as I fully expected, he explained that he could run the remaining tests but they would be expensive, and not exactly give me the answers I am so desiring.  Not to mention, he wouldn't treat me any differently even if the results told us something.  The bottom line is that there isn't any scientific, studied, or proven statistics that any of these immunological diagnoses cause miscarriages and even less proof regarding the treatments will work.

My doctor did agree that there was a time that doctors didn't know that they needed to wash their hands before surgery.  They didn't know what a germ even was!  So, there is no reason to believe that 100 years from now there will be people saying, "I can't believe that doctors back then still had to deal with recurrent miscarriages!  They had no idea that Natural Killer Cells needed to be sensitized!" 

So, what did I learn?  Not a lot.  I knew going in that these thing aren't exactly looked kindly upon by the majority of the medical community.  I knew that it was a long shot.

Where to go from here?  I haven't decided yet.  I still need to process everything and do a little more research.  My doctor did say that he is more than willing to continue treating me (not that he does much other than run betas and do ultrasounds) but will not monitor any meds or treatments recommended by any other doctors.  He compared it to someone who sees an acupuncturist.  He is all for it, but he isn't going to let an acupuncturist tell him how to make his patient ovulate.   I get it. 

I'll be honest.  I cried.  I couldn't hold it back.  I get it, but my heart still wants answers.  My heart wants me to find a solution even if it means trying something that isn't proven.  His response just made me cry a little more.  He explained, "We all want answers.  We all want to know why some things happen.  But sometimes there just aren't answers available.  Like, why does a perfectly beautiful child get cancer and die?  Sometimes there just aren't answers."