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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Sunday, January 1, 2012

My Promise

When I started blogging one year ago I had no idea what I was doing.  I had spent a lot of time on message boards and had seen online friends who had links to websites in their signature but I never clicked on them.  To be honest, I just figured they were commercials trying to sell me something.  To click on them was like clicking on that really flashy ad on the side bar that says, "Get pregnant now! Learn more here!"  Nope.  Not going to click it. 

When I was pregnant with Joey I came across a birth story.  It was a birth story like none that I had ever seen or read before. (Get tissues before clicking...HERE) As I read, I was so touched.  The words and photographs were like art.  The emotions were raw and the pictures imprinted those feelings perfectly in all of the right places.  I read the post at least 3 times, falling in love with it a little more each time.  I was so inspired by this woman and her most touching and perfect telling of how her daughter entered the world that I wanted to be able to capture the emotions of Joey's delivery on film as well.  After debating how weird it would be to have a former co-worker and photography enthusiast in the room with for delivery, who also happens to be a man, I just knew that it was what I wanted.  Some people want an epidural.  I wanted someone to capture all of the real emotion and excitement of the birth of my child.

So after a most wonderful delivery, my photographer friend sent me the CD of all of the photographs.  I loved them.  Even though most all of them had me, my most disliked photo subject, I loved that I was able to feel like I watched myself in this most amazing and difficult to describe situation.  I could re-live every single moment with a click of a button.  Because I loved them all so much I wanted to share them with as many people who wanted to see.  Seeing as how I was really proud of myself for figuring out how to do simple things like post a picture in a message board post, the idea of doing anything beyond that was foreign and scary.

Doug finally sat me down, signed me up for Blogger, and suddenly I realized that it was just like posting in a message board.  I could do this!  I wrote out my birth story and added my pictures and read and re-read my post.  I would laugh as I read.  I would get choked up every time I relived the moment where I felt his weight on my stomach.   I would smile at the photograph that captured the exact moment where I realized, "He is here!"

What suprized me the most was how much I liked seeing how many others read my story.  I don't know why this would surprise me since authors of novels probably like to know that people like to read their books but I was just a mom somewhere in Ohio who wrote down a birth story.  Then all of the sudden, like a light bulb, I realized something!  All of these blogs and websites that I find myself landing on when I was searching for reassurance during my pregnancy, while coping with my miscarriages, and while trying to do what was best for my children, were really just other people sharing what their experiences.  They weren't the all knowing authority figures I had thought them to be.  They were just people like me that had figured out how to use Blogger much faster than I had.

As I started writing, I found a wonderful creative outlet.  I shared my innermost feelings, my darkest moments, my most inspiring epiphanies with myself and the handful of people who had found their way to me.  As my audience began to grow I started feeling a little like I needed to make the next "episode" of my life or my story be as entertaining, helpful or inspiring as the last.  I put this pressure on myself and started to feel like my writing had become forced, less authentic, and really just less.... me.

I love all of the people and connections I have made this year and I recognize that these relationships have come from me sharing what I feel most strongly about.  For those of you that have been following me for a while, you might recall that my header also included this line after my title.  "My children.  The ones that are here and the ones that met God before they met me.  My journey with recurrent miscarriages, my faith and my life."  I don't know if I took it off for any real reason.  Maybe it was a space issue?  Maybe it was because of the whole infertility aspect that I hadn't included in my tag line and was reluctant to introduce?  Maybe I was trying to be marketable?  I don't know.

One thing I do know is that I want and need to get back to that old me.  In 2012, I am going to just be me.  I will still be posting fun things.  I will still share my sometimes off the wall and unique views on things.  I will still have review and giveaways if they are applicable to the infertility, trying to conceive, or loss audience.  But to get to my promise... I am going to speak using my voice and stop trying to find a voice that I think "the people" will like.  It will be just plain 'ol Maria again.  The mom without the answers.  The woman with heartaches and questions.  The woman with entirely too much experience with fertility and fertility related subjects.

I want to sincerely thank you all for joining me on this journey, cheering me on, and supporting me when I need it most.  I want you all to feel free to comment on my posts.  For anyone that blogs, you know how nice it is to know that what you wrote was read, enjoyed, provoked thought, or inspired someone.  If you don't blog, commenting is a lot like signing a guest book at a wedding.  Just letting me know that you were there means a ton.

If nothing else, 2012 is going to be a year about being true to myself, my faith, and as a result, I promise to be true to you.  Thank you again, for a wonderful year and I hope and pray that in this year brings us all some fantastic miracles if God wills it, and more vibrant and colorful blooms of faith with every day we are blessed to enjoy with our friends, families, and our Creator. 

Happy New Year!!!
Love,
Maria, Doug, Gavin, & Joey

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