For any of you who aren't Facebook fans, you should be. If you like me on Facebook, not only can you be informed of fan appreciation giveaways (20 dollar Amazon Gift Card will be going to one of my likers), you would also know the intimate details of my current downward spiral of emotions.

I was told by Doug's doctor to not try to conceive for two years. Two years! That is 730 days! Joey will be 3 years old. Gavin will be 5 1/2. But more importantly, I will be 37. An that is only when he thinks I can start trying. What if it takes a while? I know that that isn't a huge age gap between children but I am looking forward to having our children and then being able to start planning the fun family vacations when we don't have to worry about pregnancy, newborns, sleepless nights, and 18,000 pounds of baby gear.

I want more kids. Is this greedy of me? Some people have none and here I am being a big 'ol cry baby about only having two. I know that there are some of you out there who probably think I should be grateful for what I have and move on. Maybe you are right. But, right now, all I can think about is my grandmother. She had 6 children, is almost 99 years young, and all of her children are still living. I want what she has. I want to grow old and have children, grandchildren, and god willing, great grandchildren all around me. I love the two adorable little boys I have, but I just feel like I am missing big chunks of my future.

Now, let me get a bit depressing for just a moment. I have one other fear that I don't think I have ever voiced-even to Doug. I have mentioned that Doug is 8 years older than I am. Prior to Doug's diagnosis, I have had this lingering fear (or maybe realization) that Doug will probably pass before I do. I have never been good at being alone and especially with his current health situation, I am even more fearful of this. I want to have a big family so that if Doug goes before me, I am literally surrounded by family. I want to be just like Grandma who has so many grandchildren and great grandchildren that she literally loses count of how many there are.

I am really hurting right now. I am so confused, hurt, and sad right now. And on top of all of the heartache about more children, I feel incredibly guilty for feeling confused, hurt and sad. I want more than anything for Doug to be healthy and if I could trade no more children for Doug to never feel sick, to have a healthy liver, to feel how he did 5 short months ago even, I would do it in a split second. But, since no matter how many children we have, he will always have this disease, I want more children.

I feel like I am talking in circles. I am also realizing that this is going to be one of those post that is more for me than it is for you so I apologize for that. I just needed to write tonight without concern for typos, grammar, or even proper subject matter. I just need to cry tonight. I need to feel sorry for myself. I need to let the tissues accumulate next to me and just keep going.

I know God will lead me but that doesn't mean that I won't hurt tonight.