Today, Gavin, Joey and I decided to get out of the house for a play date with some same age cousins. It is actually a beautiful day today with blue skies and a crisp yet warm spring air. As I was driving and enjoying the scenery with periodic interruptions of a fuss from Joey or Gavin pointing out a digger or tow truck, I was amazed at the number of birds that seemed to be flying directly into the path of the truck. I certainly didn't want to hit them but swerving to avoid a 45 mile and hour dive bomb from a bird... well... that just isn't rational. So, much like I imagine other drivers do, I would hold my breath and squint my eyes in an effort to minimize my exposure to what would be certain death of a bird. In between squinting and coaching a bird to speed up or slow down to avoid vehicular manslaughter, I was daydreaming about taking another pregnancy test when I came home. It was then that those two thoughts merged and brought back this vivid memory from a couple of years ago.

On a day much like today, I was standing staring at a positive pregnancy test. I was looking at it in every light analyzing the undeniable pink line. I was hesitant to fall in love with any two lined test given my history. I had called the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to inform them of the pregnancy and start confirming with blood tests and start the heparin injections. I was feeling better about the pregnancy since I had not tried the injections of blood thinners and had read about how they were the secret to many many others who had suffered from recurrent losses. I allowed myself to dream. Just a little. Then, a couple of weeks later I noticed that my symptoms seemed to have decreased over the previous couple of days and to ease my mind I decided to take another pregnancy test. I was sure that seeing two dark pink lines would enable me to relax and enjoy the few days I had left before my viability ultrasound.

The test results threw me into a tailspin. The line was light. Really light. I know that so many people will assure you that it doesn't matter how dark the line is and that a line is a line is a line. Well, the squinty pink line in conjunction with my loss of pregnancy symptoms, was cause for a panic. I decided that I need to step away since Gavin was watching me look at a stick I had peed on, and cry, and look at the test, poke myself in the boob to confirm that they weren't sore, and cry again. So I turned on an episode of Little Einsteins, and stepped out the back door to compose myself.

I was standing out on the back steps, now looking at my squinty pink line in the direct sun light when something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. Before I could even identify what it was, a bird had flown about 6 inches from my shoulder and directly into a window about 3 feet from me. It hit the window so hard that the window actually sounded like a deep church bell. The window was still quietly ringing as I watched the bird fall in front of my feet. I watched it's little chest rise and fall once. Then twice. Then it stopped. It died right there in front of me.
With as sad as that is, I actually chuckled as I said, "THAT can not be a good sign for me!" My miscarriage was confirmed the next day.

I managed to make it to our play date and home without killing a single bird. Now if only I could get a positive pregnancy test I would be feeling pretty good. Today is 10 days past ovulation and I have one pink line staring back at me. I am going to look at that as being halfway there. Maybe the other line will join the party tomorrow.



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