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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Monday, March 21, 2011

Days Like This

Today has been one of those days that I wish I would have had the option to stay in bed and hide under covers. It started with my morning temperature being so low that it wasn't just under my coverline. It was so low that it was lower than my pre-ovulation temperatures this month. So low that, rather than contemplate the possibility of taking a pregnancy test, I contemplated whether I should just use a pad today or go ahead and use a tampon since my period should be here any minute. Anyone who has tried to conceive by charting knows how that low temperature can just ruin a perfectly good day. Bring on the cramps and hormonal rages.

I did have to get out of bed because my in-laws were coming over to watch the boys so that I could go to workout. As most every other stay at home mom will admit, that means that I have to frantically clean the house so that they don't see how we live most of the time. While I am trying to straighten things up, Gavin is driving Joey crazy by grabbing his arms and hands whenever Joey was trying to reach for something. I think Gavin thinks it is funny when Joey is frustrated because despite my reminders to leave Joey alone, Gavin continued his mission to make Joey crazy. This made me crazy. After a long weekend of little sleep, this didn't take much. Then off I go to exercise. I am tired. Crampy. Irritable. Just plain annoyed to be awake.

Because the class was larger than usual and I was showing up at the last minute, I got my least favorite spot in the room. Front and center. But, considering how my morning was this didn't surprise me. The instructor was calling out exercises and between yawns and my mind wandering I managed to follow along. She then asked me to help her demonstrate an exercise. Now, as she is handing me the exercise band I have a gut feeling. It was one of those feeling where I just knew that this was going to end badly. She handed me the plastic handles of the rubber band stretching tool. She put the middle of the band on the front of her tummy and began running in the opposite direction. I don't think it takes a masters degree in physics to see why this was a terrible idea. I watched the already thin rubber band stretch thinner. Thinner. As it grew even thinner my eyes squinted as if to prepare for impact. Then SNAP. I felt my right hand holding a plastic handle with no tension. My left hand was holding the other handle which was flying through the air coming back to literally whip me.

As if the instant pain wasn't excruciating enough I gritted my teeth and thought I was going to be able to laugh it off. I am not a big fan of attention and being in the front row and having the entire class watch me get whipped by a huge rubber band was nightmarish. Then, she asked the question. The one where no matter if the pain is emotional or physical, it makes the tears well up and pour out. "Oh My God, Maria?! Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'll be okay." I answered hoping to make the whole situation disappear as quickly as it happened.

"Are you sure? Where did it get you? Oh no! You are going to cry! Oh no! Please! I am so sorry! Oh no! You ARE crying."

I put both of my hand on her shoulders to calm her down. I knew she felt terrible but I just felt like everyone was already focused on me. I wanted to cry because it hurt so freaking bad but I wished I could have disappeared through a wall to do it. Her drawing so much attention to me was making me cry more. I didn't want to make her feel worse by telling her exactly how painful it was so I explained, " I am just really tired. I am hormonal and PMSing and plus it did hurt. I will be okay. I am a tough girl." She finally let it go.

I am really hoping that the rest of my day improves. Although that will probably be difficult since my period will likely be showing up to remind me that I am not pregnant again this month.

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