As much as I want to have a large family, I find myself wondering about how on Earth I will survive when I have another child(ren) to care for. I am just now starting to get good sleep on a routine basis again. Joey hasn't yet started crawling, cruising, and causing general mayhem but I know it isn't going to be long. While Gavin is starting to become more independent in his play, he is also upping the ante on limit testing. This is, of course, requiring more patience and time on my part. And on top of caring for the boys, I need to prepare meals, do laundry, and maintain livable status on housework. So, while I know I want more kids, I still find myself thinking about how I might be a little crazy to think I can spread myself any thinner.

Amidst this internal discussion of how many children will I be able to care for I start to wonder about parents, particularly mothers, who "know" when they are done having children. I guess there is a chance that I will, one day, wake up and know that I am "done" but right now that just seems like such a drastic conclusion to come to. Isn't it God who decides when we are "done" having children? Didn't he design our bodies to stop producing eggs when we are done having children? I just can't fathom ever being so sure that I didn't want any more babies that I would be willing to subject my body to a surgery to ensure that I wouldn't have any more children. On top of laying down for surgery, I would have to willingly admit that I am intentionally circumventing God's plan. To me, that would be like saying, "Thanks, God, for giving me two arms to use and enjoy over the years, but I am going to have one amputated since I'm done with it. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why would I want to change anything about my body that God created to perform such awesome miracles, like growing a human, and intentionally breaking it so that I can no longer experience God's greatest gifts. I just can't understand this.

I know that both times I have seen my OB/GYN for my postpartum visit she has asked me what type of birth control pills I want to take.

I tell her, "None."

"Oh, so you are going to use condoms, then?"

"Nope. I am going to be breastfeeding so I know it is unlikely for me to ovulate while I am doing that." I explain.

"Uh, okay. But you realize that you could get pregnant even while breastfeeding."

"Yep!" I reply, perhaps with a bit too much enthusiasm.

I don't get into the discussion with her about this but, just like getting a hysterectomy, preventing a possible pregnancy is really trying to take God out of the equation. He is our creator, not a player on my team that I can decide to bench when I don't want his opinion. I feel like I need to always keep my focus on Him and let him be the leader especially when it comes to my fertility.

I have to put my faith in God that he knows what I can handle and when I can handle it. It is tough since I want so much to control everything in my life right down to wanting very much to have an Autumn baby. I have to tell myself over and over that what I want and what I need are very different and God is only going to give me what I need. This might be a very long cold winter with no pregnancy and will need to keep praying for God's will. In the mean time, I am going to enjoy every single second of my children that are here and creating future children. And many years from now, when I feel like I am tapped out and couldn't possibly even entertain the thought of adding to my family, God will make the decision of me being "done". Until then, bring on the babies!!!