I am actually almost 16 weeks but I just haven't felt much like posting.  I have been struggling with the fact that not everyone I wish was pregnant is.  One thing that might be even harder for me this week has been that not every woman who gets pregnant gets to stay that way. 

A dear woman that I have never ever met became pregnant about a week after I did.  When I read the words that at a routine appointment she learned that her baby passed away at almost 13 weeks, I crumbled.  To say that I am heartbroken for her is an understatement.  I actually just teared up writing that.  I am just beside myself with hurt.  It just isn't fair. 

What makes it even worse is that I know that I will be her reminder.  It is hard to put into words how this is such an awful place to be.  I am happy that my pregnancy is looking healthy, but I am just crushed that I am that girl that she will likely see as the reminder of where she should be.  I just really wish I could do something... There just is nothing to do to take away her pain.  It just plain sucks.






My next post will likely have a gender reveal so stay tuned...

I love my OB.  She really is a fun lady and I would go as far as to say that over the years we have become friends.  Not like we go clubbing or anything, but we have a mutual like for one another.  As an example, she told me this long story about going for a walk on a golf course and finding herself a couple of miles away from her car and really really needing to poop.  This, of course, led to many a laugh about how she considered knocking on someone's door just to take a dump in their toilet but opted to frantically make it home to do her business at home.  Good laughs!  Good times!

I have to break up with her.  Well, at least we are going to have to have a heart to heart and clear the air about one of her most important roles in this pregnancy.  She explained to me that if the baby measured big at 38 weeks (remember Joey was 10 pounds 3 ounces), that she was going to force me to have an epidural and may go as far as scheduling a c-section.  THIS is not at all what I have envisioned for what may be my last birth experience.  I quickly reminded her that moments after delivering Joey she told me that if I ever have an 11 pounder, I have the pelvis to do it.  Her words!  She cautioned about how scary it would be if shoulders got stuck and the issues with big babies, but I told her repeatedly that I know I can do this. 

So yeah... I knew she wasn't the biggest fan of natural childbirth but I just really didn't think I would hear the words mandatory epidural - especially at 14 weeks. 

I went home and vented to my online pals and decided that, at the very least, I needed to find a doula to help support and advocate.  I found one that was close by the hospital I deliver at and sent her an email.  We chatted on the phone today for nearly 25 minutes and swapped stories and covered the reason why, after 2 healthy births, I was contacting her.  She was aghast that my OB would already be talking about birth interventions when I had no issues before.  She also kind of grumbled when I told her which hospital I deliver at and I asked her if the other major hospital in town was better for natural childbirth.  Turns out, they are equally "eh" when it comes to that, so I figured I was out of options.  Then, miraculously, she tells me of a hospital that is affiliated with my insurance that has a dream birth center complete with surgical staff in the event of an emergency.  They have birth tubs in all of the rooms, are very natural birth friendly, and the best part... wait for it.... Queen sized Murphy beds for postpartum use in addition to pull out beds for family!!!  My least favorite thing about birth is the 2 days I have to be in that awful hospital bed which is clearly not made for comfort.  Of course, my OB doesn't deliver there but this is going to give me an excellent reason (aside from the fact she wants to cut me already) to go elsewhere.  I am so sad that I have to consider leaving her, but there are just certain things, that if she isn't willing to have a complete change of heart, that are just deal breakers.  

Today I went to the RE's office for what will be my last appointment ever... unless we decide on a 4th baby.  I sat in an empty waiting room and as my favorite nurse and receptionist walked past the glass, the each gave me excited waves.  It was then that it hit me.  I was going to miss these people.  They have seen me in tears.  They have celebrated successes big and small with me.  Today, we celebrated a nearly 7 cm human being. 



I worte a post years and years ago about how when I was pregnant with Joey, I was 100% convinced that he was going to be a girl.  My pregnancy with Gavin was very uneventful but when Joey was on board, I was so so sick.  My symptoms were just completely opposite.  Opposite symptoms means opposite gender, right?  WRONG!  Right after my 20 week ultrasound when the tech said, "Do you see what I see?" and I responded, "Is that a penis?" with all of the enthusiasm of a sunbather seeing a storm rolling in, I had decided that this time, it would be team green for us.  I wanted the next time I learned the gender of the baby to be right after I gave birth to a wiggly, real baby. Plus, this time around I have added confidence that no matter the gender of this baby, God is sending me the perfect baby for this family.  Girl or boy, this baby was hand picked by Him.  No complaining will be done by me! 

Seeing as how I am only 13 weeks, I didn't feel it important to mention my team green desires.  As we chatted and looked over the baby, she suddenly stopped and said, "OH!  Do you want to..." and as a reflex, I immediately looked at the screen.  A look that I can never take back.  Since I couldn't unsee what I saw, I went ahead and asked, "We were going to be surprised this time, but was that a penis?"

She stammered and apologized for even calling attention before asking if we wanted to know and then went on to attempt to remove her foot from her mouth and said, "I thought I saw a penis but... (she again looked for the genitals) and said, "but you know what?  I don't see any testicles or anything so it is still 50/50."

*sigh*

So for a couple of hours I mourned our big surprise reveal on delivery day.  Then me and Google hung out for a while.  Turns out that boys and girls still really look the same at 13 weeks.  Some technicians can predict gender based on the "angle of the dangle" which means if the little nubbin points up it will be a boy and if it is parallel to the spine, it will be a girl.  What she and I saw was not the correct view to predict based on the angle.  After scouring the internet, I am feeling like we will still be 100% surprised.  Unless is is a boy then I am going to feel like I knew the whole time. So I am rethinking our whole team green thing.  We'll see. 

As I left the office they handed me some books and magazines as a gift and off I went.  Onward and upward to the OB's office next week. 

I also felt confident enough to make the pregnancy facebook public.  This was my "announcement."

Our Special Family Recipe:

2 cups of patience (separated into 96 tsp)
One barrel of faith
8 pounds of perseverance
400 tears (split equally between heartbreaks)
Countless prayers
Infinite support and love from friends and family
and
One very special angel smiling down on us from Heaven and keeping us safe.

Combine all ingredients. Bake for 40 weeks. 

We are very happy to share that after a long and sometimes heartbreaking journey, we will be welcoming baby #3 in September!

Will you or did you find out the gender of your baby before delivery day?  Why?

Over the last week or so, I have been slowly but surely comin gout of the first trimester haze that I have been in.  I still need naps nearly everyday, but I haven't thrown up in a solid week!  My apatite has returned for the most part and I am only occasionally nauseated whereas it had been almost all day sickness.   Let me please clarify that none of those side effects bothered me really.  I mean, it was uncomfortable, but I loved the reassurance that baby was still cooking.  I think there is something unique about being pregnant after a loss(es).  We might be the only people that hope and pray for throwing up, and get concerned when we aren't nauseated by noon. 

Today, I had the somewhat awkward experience of seeing the RE I broke up with for my NT scan.  I think what was most awkward is that I wasn't sure how awkward it was going to be.  Turns out it wasn't a big deal but he did make a comment alluding to "If I needed to have some girl talk, I'd have to travel to the other office."  But really, not a huge deal.  I had way over prepared my potential responses if he happened to question my decision to switch doctors.

My preferred response was going to be: Well, I went to high school with P and when I first started seeing you, I don't think she was part of the practice yet.  Nothing personal! 

My second choice was: Well, Doc, you see I have been seeing you for recurrent miscarriages for over 4 years now.  After my loss last year, you told me there was no real reason for my losses and that you wouldn't do any further testing.  Then, after my chance appointments where I saw P rather than you, I mentioned my crappy lining that you performed an IUI on (which in my understanding is really almost like throwing my money into a blazing inferno) and with a simple med change she transformed my crappy lining into an ideal one.  When I asked her if having a thin lining could have *anything* to do with me having 8 early losses, she told me yes.  In a matter of 2 cycles of seeing her (only in your absence) she managed to get me pregnant and keep me pregnant.  A simple med change, Doc!  After 4 years and way to many miscarriages, you were content to just keep doing the same thing.  Then she managed to figure out what was wrong and fixed it in 6 weeks.  That, Doc, is why I switched to her. 

But again... I said neither.

He went about his business and did all of the measurements needed for the NT scan which is a tool to rule out Downs Syndrome.  The cut off after which they start to be concerned is .3 and mine was... .06 so... I am feeling pretty sure that this baby will not have DS.  I still need to get the results of the blood test component next week to be more confident in that, but today, baby looked healthy, vibrant, and measured great. 

Baby is actually measuring ahead by a couple of days.  He (or maybe she although my money is on boy) is already 6 centimeters long from the top of his head to his butt.
That is about this big (depending mostly on your screen settings):

Head                                                                      Butt
{------------------------------------------------------------}



I am so glad to be so close to the end of the first trimester!

I got 3 pictures and, while none were really excellent, this was the best one.  He does have arms and legs and feet and hands.  Here he looks a bit more like a gummy bear.


Now to decide how or if I will announce on facebook.  Many of my family members and some of my friends heard the news at the funeral last week so it won't be a shock to most, but it will be an admission that we are ready to acknowledge that this itty bitty human will be joining out family in September.

If you announced a pregnancy on facebook, how did you do it? If you are dealing with infertility or loss, is there anything you think I should do/not do to avoid hurting feelings?