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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Wednesday, August 8, 2012

She is Pregnant. I am not.

At the precise moment that Joey was born and placed on my stomach, I began planning for my next baby.  So when my first period showed up 3 months later, I was almost excited!  I was so happy that I was going to be able to continue breastfeeding while I started trying for baby #3.  When the holidays rolled around and I found myself having some girl talk with some relatives and chatting about when the next baby was going to happen, I spilled the not so secret beans that we had already started trying.  My cousin admitted that they were ready to start trying for one last baby too.

I should have known at that precise moment to stop myself from thinking it, but it was too late.

"How awesome!  We might have babies at almost the same time!  That would be so cool!"

It was out there.  Forever lingering in my memory.

A few months later, she is pregnant.  I am not.

Then one day my phone rings.  It is a long time friend that doesn't call often.  I knew before she even spoke 3 words to me that she was pregnant.  It turns out that I was right.  But, my reflex of jealousy was quickly brushed off as she confessed that she was spotting and feeling like she I was probably miscarrying.  I helped her through the steps of what to do.  Sadly, she was right and miscarried.  In follow up phone calls she said that she was ready to try again right away.  She knew I was trying too and before I could stop myself, I did it again.

"Cool!  I hope we get to be pregnant together!"

There they were again.  Those words that can't be erased from my memory.

A few months later, she is pregnant.  I am not.

Then finally, I got the chance to be pregnant with her.  She was due in a week and I finally had two pink lines.  It wasn't like we got to take baby bump pictures together but in my mind, I finally had won.  I was pregnant at the same time as a friend!  Then as she celebrated a new life entering the world, I mourned one more pregnancy that didn't stick.

A couple of weeks later, I got a card in the mail.  It was a very sweet, well thought out, and very gentle card that shared more news of pregnancy of another close relative.  It was wonderful that she shared the news with me first, knowing our struggles, but it happened again.  I don't remember if it was her or I, but the words were exchanged.

"Maybe we will be pregnant together?!"

There they were again.  Floating out in front of my eyes.  Taunting me for feeling as if I might finally be able to break this... this... I don't know... curse?  Annoyance?  Awful revolving door of infertility?  Eh.  They all work, I suppose.  You choose. 

So, today I find myself facing reminders that had I gotten pregnant with my cousin, I would have a one year old.  If I would have gotten pregnant with my friend, I would have a 5 month old.  If I would have stayed pregnant, I would be due in October.  There are other newly pregnant girls that I would love to be pregnant with, but dare I utter the words?  The same empty words that sound so fantastic until I hear the reality behind them.  Another race to get pregnant before another pregnancy turns into a wiggly, squishy, adorable newborn. 

"Maybe we will be pregnant together."




But for now... She is pregnant.  I, on the other hand, am not.

(*to all of my pregnant friends everywhere: I love you all.  I have no feeling of ill will.  I am not angry.  I just want to be pregnant with you.)


Maria said...

Maria, your words are so honest and real. You and in my prayers each day and night. You know I am rooting for you and praying that your miracle makes its way to you soon!
Thank you for always being such a supportive and wonderful friend.

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