January 12th, 2010
I am currently pregnant. 15 weeks pregnant. I have an appointment with my Rheumatologist today. I get the satisfaction of stressing her out with news that I am pregnant, again. She wasn't too happy with that choice last time. I have just gotten up and noticed some spotting. Crap. I schedule an appointment with my GP. I go there first. He does an exam, says "Yes. It's a threatened m/c". I have to come back for an u/s. So, I run to Nashville for my Rheum. appt. She schedules my next appt for the end of July. Three weeks after my baby is due. We go to lunch (my sil is driving me around), and I mentally talk myself in to believing that everything is going to be fine. That it's just a little blood pocket like with my last two pregnancies. No big deal. The u/s shows that there is no heart beat. No live fetus. We call my high risk OB. They won't give me an appt if the fetus is already dead. I am now in the unfortunate position of having to find an new OB/GYN. In my state of mind, that was asking for a miracle. The sweet nurse at my GP found me a dr. and scheduled me an appt. Husband and I see him the next day. He asks for another u/s to verify. Still nothing. Dr. ultimately talks us into having a D&C. We schedule that for the 15th. All I have left is the u/s picture.

Groundhog Day
February 2, 2011
I'm pregnant! Fear sets in. I go right in for hormonal tests. We do the qualitative and quantitative's. Dr. says all looks good. See ya in a month.

March 2011
12 week check up. I was sooooo scared to go in. He did the doppler and I started to cry. I had a hard time not sobbing. Then...he found it!!! We heard a heart beat! It was so fast! Like a little washing machine..swoosh-swoosh-swoosh!No need for an u/s since we heard a heart beat. I was elated! My baby was ok! I scheduled my next appt. with a huge smile on my face :)

April 2011
Dr does doppler. No heartbeat. Sends me for u/s. Nothing. Baby died. Made it to 12weeks by gestation size. The baby died right after we heard the heartbeat.

May 10, 2011
I delivered my baby today. At home. I passed out again (did the same thing last time). This time I was expecting it. I laid on the bathroom floor and slipped into unconsciousness. I had a dream. There was a doorway. A man was in the doorway and a woman was standing just outside the door. There was light inside the doorway. Like when you have the lights on in your house and the porch light is out. I couldn't see their faces. But i knew them. That was the feeling I had. I moved toward the doorway. The woman turned her head towards me. She had long, wavy, brown hair. She came towards me at a fast pace, but more like gliding, not walking. She put her hand up in the universal sign for "STOP!" Then I woke up. Very suddenly. I felt like I had just been given a surge of adrenaline. My heart was pounding, my ears were ringing, but, I was weak and couldn't move. I had lost a lot of blood. I prayed that I wouldn't die on my bathroom floor. That that wasn't going to be where my kids would find me. My husband was still at work. I realized that my dream seemed more like a "cross-over" story. A glimpse of the other side. The woman had told me I wasn't supposed to be there. Not yet.


May 11, 2011
We buried our baby girl next to her brother under the Red Bud tree.

Today
It is January once again. Last week was the dates that I prefer to reflect upon mostly privately. The 15th of January will always be a sad day for me. I pray every day for another chance at having a healthy pregnancy that ends in the delivery of a healthy baby.
Here's to the hope for this new year!