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God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Long, Sleepless, Wonderful Night

The last couple of days Joey has been fighting off a cold.  He has been a trooper!  Last night, the congestion won the battle.  He would doze off for a while, wake up, cough, cry, doze off.  This would happen every 30-40 minutes.  Almost like a rapidly progressing labor, the rest times were decreasing and the coughing and crying was lasting longer and getting more intense.  Then at about, 12:30 am Joey should have been giving birth to a snot baby.  Unfortunatly, there was no relief for him or me. 

Rather than no one in the house getting any sleep, I took Joey downstairs.  I figured that I could cuddle with Joey in the recliner and maybe his head being slightly elevated would help him sleep.  I took down blankets, Joey's lovey Mr. Moo, and my very confused, very tired Joseph.  I covered us both up and tried to get comfortable.  I was so exhausted that I was pretty sure I was going to be able to sleep even if I was upside down.  After about 5 minutes I was reevaluating my previous sleep expectations.  Having a 30 something pound kid squirming, lifting and dropping his head repeatedly too close to my face or on my collarbone, and coughing and sneezing mere millimeters from my face, was proving to be a tougher sleeping situation than I had counted on. 

So I layed there in the chair as Joey would momentarily doze off, this time tear free, planning my trip to Starbucks in the morning.  I then wondered what time they actually opened.  Just as I thought I might be able to close my eyes, Joey repositioned himself so that he was facing me and put his face on my chest.  All of the sudden, I didn't care that I wasn't going to get any sleep.  I was loving being a very much needed mommy again.  I missed nursing him all night long a whole year ago now.  I missed feeling his warmth, in the dark, in the quiet house with only hums and clicks that are unique to our old house.  It isn't like I didn't love him like crazy before but last night, I fell a little more in love with him. 

I started having visions of him being all grown up and not needing his mom to hold him in a rocking chair.  I imagined that he would one day be a father himself.  That would mean that he would meet a woman of his dreams and she would love my son as much as I do.  I can't imagine that anyone will ever be able to love him like I do, but right now, somewhere in this world, there is a little baby girl curled up in her mommy's arms who was created to love my son. 

As I choked back the tears of sheer bliss, I couldn't help but start thinking about how I long to do this all over again.  The long nights of no sleep, quiet thoughts, stroking the baby's soft head, and stealing silent kisses.  I think that God knows what he is doing.  When my night was starting off so rough, I was slightly irritated and grouchy at the thought of no sleep.  After the cuddles and feeling his heart beating as he laid on my chest, really has rejuvenated me and my faith that God has another baby (or two!) for me.  

Interestingly enough, after about 60 minutes of snuggling and intermittent dozing off, I realized that Joey would probably sleep better in his own bed if he could be a little more elevated.  So I put some throw pillows under his regular pillow and tucked him in.  I walked into my bedroom, crawled under the covers, and in a few minutes both Joey and I were in a very sweet and happy dream land.  Morning came early today but when I went in to get Joey, it was like he heard every single thought I had last night.  As I was changing his diaper, he reached up for me.  I leaned down to give him a little kiss on his cheek and for the first time ever, he gave me a real, unsolicited, hug.  The kind where there is actual squeezing.  He held tight to my shoulders for about 10 seconds.  When I reluctantly stood up, I saw his warm smile and puffy sleepy eyes looking into my heart.  That was all the caffeine I needed to get me through the day.  Well... that and a Iced Grande Triple Skinny Caramel Macchiatto. 

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