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Talking about sex has never been an easy topic for parents.  It is a little awkward to dance around the specifics, choose age appropriate vocabulary, and explain the "ins" and "out" of the whole... procedure.  Somehow in the past few decades, the parents tiptoed out the backdoor and relied upon schools to teach kids about their bodies and about sex.  The same teachers who can't discuss religion, faith, or God.  That is like having a baker teach a class on cupcakes without allowing them to use flour.

I remember having my first sex education class in 6th grade.  It was a few weeks long and was a couple of times a week we would meet with the most feared teacher in the school and she would explain the male and female anatomy and the menstrual cycle.  The last class or two we split into boys only and girls only groups.  That is where we were supposed to ask every last question we had.  The only problem is that we didn't really have any questions.  We would ask over and over again about if our periods would hurt.  The boys group would report back that all they asked about was "wet dreams". 

Then, in high school came round 2 of sex education.  This time it was only two 45 minute classes that took place in our freshman biology class.  My biology teacher was a very attractive, young man with piercing blue eyes.  He had us all put our desks in a circle and he talked about safe sex.  We sat stoically looking down at our desktops intermittently giggling as the teacher awkwardly demonstrated how to use a condom, shot spermicidal foam onto the floor in the middle of the circle of desks, and stumbled through a made up explanation to the courageous girl who asked how to remove a diaphragm.  It was an hour and 30 minus of time that I will never forget, but not for a good reason.

So, by the age of 14, I knew that women ovulated, got pregnant by a sperm, and how that sperm got there.  But what did it really mean?  Of course, I am sure it was mentioned that it is for people who are in love.  I am sure that it was recommended that we wait until we were married.  But a 14 year old girl or boy with hormones, peer pressure, and easily malleable hearts don't translate that language very well. 

A girl loves with everything she has.  She falls in love hard and completely even when she shouldn't.  So with the the explanation of, "Sex is for people who are in love," every teenage girl can say, "This is me!  I'm in love!  I will love him forever.  We will be married when we are older!  I am sure of it!  He is perfect and loves me back!  He tells me so all the time!"  She figures that she might not be married to him right now, but she will be soon!  Especially if she gives him the most wonderful gift she has.  Then, comes the crushing realization that she gave her precious gift to some guy who loves her only a little more than he does pizza.  Then it is gone.  It is devalued.  It is like driving a brand new car off the lot.  It will never ever be new again. 

Why is it that so many girls hand over the most wonderful gift, knowing full well that it can never be returned, but guys seem to get it when it comes to engagement rings.  They don't hand those out every time they "love" a girl.  Is a diamond ring really more valuable than a young lady's virginity?  More important than commands God gives us?   Plus, would any girl want a proposal from a guy that had proposed to every girl before her?  What if he got down on one knee and popped the question, "Will you marry me?" as he slides a lovely ring onto her finger that has been worn by 10 girls before her.  Somehow that takes the magic out of it.  It is time that young ladies recognize how valuable they are.  God created them with one very special gift that they get to give to one man, their husband.  To haphazardly give that gift to someone undeserving is very disrespectful to the one that created it. 

When it comes down to a guy choosing our daughter's for forever, don't you want her to be able to show him how special he is?  That she never ever, even when her hormones made her want to, she never gave anyone the same gift she will give him.  Just like the ring he slides on her finger will never have shimmered, shone, and glimmered on anyone else's finger.  I really wish that someone would have taught me how valuable I was when I was young.  I wish someone would have reminded me that having sex was much bigger than just giving in to temptation or not.  This rule is not optional when it comes to the Bible.

I will not be passing this mistake on to my children, no matter how awkward the conversation. 

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Prayer is so important.  One of the things I have struggled with from the time I was a young girl is praying.  I mean, how do I talk to God?  I have always been taught my manners and showing respect to my elders, teachers, and authorities.  I often get tongue tied when I try to pray.  This is what my prayers often sound like in my head.

Dear God... wait.. is Dear God the start of a letter to God or a prayer?  Um... God.  That isn't any better.  I'm just going to go with Dear God.  Dear God, I want You to ... what I want is not always what I need... I want your will to be done in the lives of person X, Y, and Z but I am really hoping that it is your will to bless them with item A, B, or C.  And, then, if it is in Your will, wow... I feel like I am giving God a to-do list.  What should I really be praying for anyway?  I'm just going to skip to thanking Him for all of the wonderful things he has already blessed me with.  Thank you for my wonderful family, our health, and having food, drink and shelter.  Amen.

So today I am going to pray everything I want to pray for and recognize that God hears my edits so I may as well just talk to God and trust that He knows my intent and my desires. 

Thank you, God, for all of the wonderful gifts you have given me and my family.  I am so thankful for our health, the love that we share, the support that we give, and the lives that we live.  I know I need to do a better job of doing Your will and sharing my faith in You.  I really struggle with being a spoiled child and wanting what I want without regard for Your plan.  It isn't very Christlike for me to be like this.  I am sorry.

Since You are always with me, You know how much I want another child to come and join our family.  I feel confident that You will bless me with another child when Your timing is perfect.  I pray that You continue to help me find patience and understanding when Your plan doesn't make sense to me.  When I watch people experience such sadness and loss, I seek to better understand You and lean on You.   I need Your continued guidance and no matter how spoiled I act sometimes, I do know that Your will is what I need.  You have proven to me time and time again how Your plan is perfect and for this I thank You.  I am very much looking forward to seeing what You have planned for me next!  Amen

How do you pray?  Do you just let it all out there and speak your mind or do you try to me more organized?  If you have a link about prayer feel free to link it up below or simply share your thoughts in the comments section below. 



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Well, turns out I struggled with today's activity more than I expected.  Doing something nice for a pregnant woman shouldn't be that tough, right?  I kept trying to think of ways to do something anonymously but it was so much harder to coordinate than I thought.  After a great deal of searching, reading and researching I have decided that my gift to a pregnant woman is going to be the gift of learning about the very wonderful option of adoption.  It breaks my heart to know how many babies are aborted every single day and in many cases the women (or in many cases- girls) have no idea what they are really consenting to.

When abortion is the path that is chosen they are not only ending a life they are ending a life that God created.  To kill that child is a death sentence for the baby and committing a sin.  To pretend that this isn't the case is doing a great disservice to these expectant moms. 

So, my gift to some pregnant woman out there somewhere is the opportunity to learn about their options and the consequences for not choosing life.  I chose to donate to Human Life International.  If you feel led to do the same click here for more information on this charity.

Were you inspired to do something for a pregnant woman on your 6 DPO? If so, please comment about it or link up your post below!


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My temp jumped above my coverline this morning so it appears as if yesterday was the day.  The big day.  I ovulated.  So now... the wait begins.








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Today I am 1 day past ovulation (DPO) and according to the list I posted of things to do during the two week wait (TWW) I am planting a seed. Planting something in 28 degree weather is a little strange but.. why not, right? There is something really cool about the anticipation of growth when there is ice on the pond and a brisk chill in the air.

I have a pretty large collection of random seed packets left over from this spring when we planted our garden. I had a hard time deciding between something that would grow into an herb or a simple flower. A flower would be a beautiful symbol of life and fertility but an herb would enter into this world with a purpose. Decisions... decisions...

After much internal debate... why not one of each?! A fraternal planting of seeds. I know that there is a decent chance that neither little seed will sprout at all, so much like the situation of my infertility, why not double the chances of success?

This spring and summer I tried planting peppermint several times. Never even the teeniest of sprouts came through the ground. Maybe this will be the attempt that will work! ...Again with the parallels!

These are actually about 2or 3 times the size of a human egg!

I chose to plant a poppy because not only are the pretty, they did really well this summer!

It would be really nice to have something to show from my 1DPO activity!  Believe it or not, the germination period for both of these plants is 1-2 weeks.  I couldn't have planned it any better!  I mean... God couldn't have planned it any better.     

So now... I wait... Grow babies grow!


Did you plant something? Link up your post below or comment and tell me how your 1 DPO activity went!

The last couple of days Joey has been fighting off a cold.  He has been a trooper!  Last night, the congestion won the battle.  He would doze off for a while, wake up, cough, cry, doze off.  This would happen every 30-40 minutes.  Almost like a rapidly progressing labor, the rest times were decreasing and the coughing and crying was lasting longer and getting more intense.  Then at about, 12:30 am Joey should have been giving birth to a snot baby.  Unfortunatly, there was no relief for him or me. 

Rather than no one in the house getting any sleep, I took Joey downstairs.  I figured that I could cuddle with Joey in the recliner and maybe his head being slightly elevated would help him sleep.  I took down blankets, Joey's lovey Mr. Moo, and my very confused, very tired Joseph.  I covered us both up and tried to get comfortable.  I was so exhausted that I was pretty sure I was going to be able to sleep even if I was upside down.  After about 5 minutes I was reevaluating my previous sleep expectations.  Having a 30 something pound kid squirming, lifting and dropping his head repeatedly too close to my face or on my collarbone, and coughing and sneezing mere millimeters from my face, was proving to be a tougher sleeping situation than I had counted on. 

So I layed there in the chair as Joey would momentarily doze off, this time tear free, planning my trip to Starbucks in the morning.  I then wondered what time they actually opened.  Just as I thought I might be able to close my eyes, Joey repositioned himself so that he was facing me and put his face on my chest.  All of the sudden, I didn't care that I wasn't going to get any sleep.  I was loving being a very much needed mommy again.  I missed nursing him all night long a whole year ago now.  I missed feeling his warmth, in the dark, in the quiet house with only hums and clicks that are unique to our old house.  It isn't like I didn't love him like crazy before but last night, I fell a little more in love with him. 

I started having visions of him being all grown up and not needing his mom to hold him in a rocking chair.  I imagined that he would one day be a father himself.  That would mean that he would meet a woman of his dreams and she would love my son as much as I do.  I can't imagine that anyone will ever be able to love him like I do, but right now, somewhere in this world, there is a little baby girl curled up in her mommy's arms who was created to love my son. 

As I choked back the tears of sheer bliss, I couldn't help but start thinking about how I long to do this all over again.  The long nights of no sleep, quiet thoughts, stroking the baby's soft head, and stealing silent kisses.  I think that God knows what he is doing.  When my night was starting off so rough, I was slightly irritated and grouchy at the thought of no sleep.  After the cuddles and feeling his heart beating as he laid on my chest, really has rejuvenated me and my faith that God has another baby (or two!) for me.  

Interestingly enough, after about 60 minutes of snuggling and intermittent dozing off, I realized that Joey would probably sleep better in his own bed if he could be a little more elevated.  So I put some throw pillows under his regular pillow and tucked him in.  I walked into my bedroom, crawled under the covers, and in a few minutes both Joey and I were in a very sweet and happy dream land.  Morning came early today but when I went in to get Joey, it was like he heard every single thought I had last night.  As I was changing his diaper, he reached up for me.  I leaned down to give him a little kiss on his cheek and for the first time ever, he gave me a real, unsolicited, hug.  The kind where there is actual squeezing.  He held tight to my shoulders for about 10 seconds.  When I reluctantly stood up, I saw his warm smile and puffy sleepy eyes looking into my heart.  That was all the caffeine I needed to get me through the day.  Well... that and a Iced Grande Triple Skinny Caramel Macchiatto. 

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 I'm back to my old post revivals.  I would love your comments, thoughts, and impressions!
Originally posted 1/10/11
I was beginning to really think long and hard about my life as a mother. I always pictured me with several children and here I was with one. One fantastic child but... one. I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet on my dreams of a large family but I had to decide how we were going to get there. I looked at various sites about adoption and read message board experiences with adopting and was starting to think that was the direction to go. Then, I came across a site that really spoiled my attitude about that plan. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings that choose or have chosen adoption. These are just my thoughts.

I was learning that the wait for adopting a newborn would be as long as or longer than a pregnancy. Learning this made me eager to sign up right away so that I wouldn't have to wait any longer than necessary to add to my family. Then, as I was surfing the net for agencies, attorneys I came across a page that listed babies that were available for adoption. Now. I read through the list that listed their info like male or female, open or closed adoption, locations, races, and if the birth mother was known to have used or is currently using drugs or alcohol. Then in the last column was the prices. All of the sudden it hit me. I was shopping online for a baby. Some were on sale (my words not theirs) due to maternal drug use, or other known or suspected medical issues. Some were more expensive because they were presumed to be healthy or the mother was expecting the adoptive parents to pay rent and or medical bills. I just couldn't believe that I would ever be able to chose a baby based on price or race or whatever other criterion I found to be of importance. I wanted God to choose for me and I wasn't sure how that would happen with adoption. I decided to table the adoption decision for a while until we got the results form our genetic testing back.

During the wait I did my share of "why me" questioning. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. Why did other women who weren't married, on drugs, already proven to be horrible parents, etc. get pregnant, often without "trying", and end up with a beautiful baby in their arms 9 months later? Here I was, a healthy, loving mother and wife who wanted nothing more than to conceive and keep a pregnancy that actually resulted in a live, screaming, crying baby. Then my husband said this. "Sometimes we have to realize that it isn't always about us."

At first I thought, "Are you kidding me? How is me miscarrying 6 times in a row not about us?!"

He went on to explain his thought. While I can't recall his exact wording the message was this. God is the one calling the shots. His plan for us may not have anything to do with us ending up with a second child or not. It could have everything to do with how our experience will somehow effect someone else's life.

I took that little nugget of thought with me as I went about my day to day activities. I really tried to focus more on how Doug's comments could really be true. I was shopping at Walmart for odds and ends but the primary reason for my trip was that I wanted to buy ovulation tests. Since I was there I picked up some groceries that we needed too. As I walked down an isle glancing at various dinner options I happened to notice a woman a few paces ahead of me. I then saw that she had dropped her grocery list. While I was lost in my thoughts most of the day, I took a moment to pick up the list, speed up a step or two, and ask her if she dropped her list. She looked at me and then at the list. She quickly gave an exhale of relief and thanked me profusely. A few seconds of small talk and a couple more smiles and we were both on our ways. Then I thought about it. "Maybe it isn't always about me." I know that I will never know that woman's story but I began to think about her. Perhaps, my interaction with her was just what she needed that day. Maybe she was depressed and feeling invisible. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe there was something very important on that list that she would have forgotten had I not been there to pick it up and retrieve it. Maybe that one item being forgotten could have changed her life. I know it sounds crazy since there are a million and a half "what ifs" but I needed to do this. Maybe the item she forgot would have made her go back out to the store again later and she would have been killed in a car accident. So, maybe, just maybe, my going to Walmart to buy ovulation tests saved that woman's life. If any of my pregnancies would have been successful I wouldn't have needed those tests and that interaction never would have taken place.

It may sound ridiculous to some but this is how I managed to lift the haze of my recurrent miscarriages. As I moved throughout my daily life I challenged myself, and still do, to interact with as many people as I can since I don't know who God intends me to meet or share my faith with. I find it to be really quite reassuring that my losses weren't for nothing. They could very well be about me deciding to write about my experiences today to impact one of you.

While it is so very tempting to think that God had me miscarry to teach me something, tell me something, or lead me somewhere, I have chosen to see it as God needing me to help him do something. I may never know what that something is but, wow, what an important job I have. I am so blessed.

I am so thankful that Doug shared his thoughts with me that day. His comment has really changed how I view my life, my relationship with God, and my purpose here on Earth.

Many months back I wrote a post about all of the chemicals that we unknowingly, and sometimes knowingly, put on our skin, clean our homes with and spray in the air to make things smell fresh and clean.  I know it isn't healthy to really dwell on it, but I have to wonder if all of these toxins we are absorbing every single day played a role in my losses.  Especially when all of my diagnostic tests kept coming back normal, it still makes me wonder.  As a result, I have made a decision to chose products that have as few chemicals as possible in them.  It isn't easy but it is worth it to me. 

When I was wandering around the store looking for items for the Monthly Gift Giveaway, I felt morally obligated to keep things "clean" when it came to ingredients.  I wanted to offer products that didn't have chemicals or crazy ingredients that I couldn't pronounce.  I thought about getting a facial care set since what girl doesn't like a fresh clean face!  When I looked at the ingredients I was horrified!  When I still have unanswered questions about these kinds of things, I couldn't in my right mind buy them and subject your skin to this mess!

Then, by the strangest chain of events, I was introduced to the products of Live Naturally.   I can hardly put into words how exciting it was to see all of the products they have.  Not only are they chemical free, they actually post photographs of the ingredients!  They come from real things that grow on our planet!  They can identify and photograph what they are suggesting you put on your skin, your baby's skin, and even what you clean your home with!

Just as an experiment, I looked at the ingredients of the Miessence Soothing Facial Cleanser.  Everything that is in this product were things I would be happy to smear on my face!  These are just a few.

Then, I looked at the ingredient of another natural looking and popular facial cleanser.  When I looked up an image of the 3rd item (only after water and glycerine) I found Oleic Acid.  While my first thought was why would I want to put acid on my face, I went ahead to see what I could find as a picture.  This is an image of Oleic Acid:
This is Cocamidopropyl betaine:

Doesn't that sound luxurious?  *tongue firmly planted in my cheek*  The good news is that we have the choice to use that stuff if we want to, but if we want to use the products that God created for us to put on and around our bodies, we have the product line of Live Naturally.  Right now, they have a special promotion going on through the end of November.  If you order $100 in products you will get 20% off future orders!  Be sure to check out their site and browse all of the categories of products they have ranging from mama and baby care, to household cleaners and room sprays!

Of course, there is no way of knowing what caused my losses before Joey but I like to think that I am doing what is best for my family, my body, and my home by keeping it as clean and pure as God would like it to be. 

Gavin is obsessed with mints.  Starting when he was about 2 1/2 he discovered Altoids.  You know, the "curiously strong" mints.  The kind that even some full grown adults find to be almost too painful to enjoy.  Well, Gavin would chew them.  He'd pop them in his mouth and chew them up and ask for more.  Ever since then, he likes to have mints in the car.  When we would climb in to the car, he could hardly wait until I had my seat belt on so that he could ask for his mint.   Then, it turned into him asking for one on the return trip.  I would usually give in.  That is when things got crazy!  He would ask for a mint any time the car was parked and sometime when it wasn't.  So, we had to wean him from mints.  We still have some mints in the car but it is no longer a "given" anytime he is in the car.

The other day Gavin and I were in the car and he asked me for a mint.

I answered kindly, "Not today, Sweetie."

Gavin, testing out his independence and authority (which he of course has very little of but that doesn't stop him from trying), demanded, "But Mom!  I want a mint and you should give me one now!" 

I couldn't help but chuckle as I explained to him, "Gavin, even if I was going to give you a mint, that attitude and tone of voice wouldn't be the way to get it.  We aren't going to have a mint today."

"Mom?" he asked.

What, Sweetie?" I answered after taking an extra big breath.

"Please may I please have a mint?" he said with extra emphasis on the magic words he sprinkled in this time.

"I like the way you asked that time but the answer is still no." I replied.

"But, Mom!  I asked nicely!" he said through the tears and frustration.

That exchange continued for another minute or two, but this is where my mind wandered.  I started to think about how God, Our Father, must feel.  We are His children and we ask Him for stuff all the time.  We use our manners and ask nicely.  When Our Father, who really truly knows what we need and what we don't, doesn't grant our request or grant it in the time frame we had hoped, we are crushed.  We don't understand why he wouldn't just "give us a mint" or a baby, or whatever else we think would complete our lives in that moment.

While I could give Gavin a mint every single time he asked nicely, I could quite possibly have a 100 pound 4 year old with the best breath on the block, but that isn't doing him any favors.  When children look at their parents with pleading eyes, droopy lower lip, and furrowed brow, it is heartbreaking!  But knowing what is best for them in the long run makes it worthwhile.  I know God is doing the same for us. 

Being a parent is a hard job.  Even more so for God since we ask for miracles.  Gavin just asks for mints.  

What do you think?  Are we crazy?

Last night I was making a quick run to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for a pumpkin bread recipe that I am making for Gavin's preschool class.  It was rainy, cold, close to bed time for the boys, and in order to save time, I had Joey, Doug and my dad waiting in the car.  Gavin insisted on coming with me.  So we raced up and down isles grabbing the few things we needed from the shelves.  Gavin was doing a good job keeping up with my hurried pace.  Then, we scooted ourselves into the shortest line at the checkout.  We loaded our things onto the belt as the woman ahead of us finished paying.  A total of about 25 second may have passed since we arrived in the line.  Gavin, at a clearly audible level, asks:

"Why is this taking SO LONG?!"  

I quickly answered him, at a level equally as audible, "We just got into line. It will be our turn soon!"  My cheeks were a little pink as the woman ahead of us and the cashier both smiled at me.  We paid for our things and quickly shuffled back out to the car. 

Not a very climactic story, I know.  But, it gets better...

Last night, Doug had to catch a 6:30 am flight out of an airport over an hour drive from home.  That meant he had to wake up at 3:00 am!  I don't know if it was my anxiety over making sure he woke up on time or if it was my second serving of caffeine at dinner, but I couldn't sleep.  As I tossed and turned, God decided to send me a message.

I was taken back to my experience at the grocery store and this time when I visualized the events, I was the child.  I turned to God and asked, "Why is this taking SO LONG?!"   God smiled at me and said, "You just got in line.  It will be your turn soon."

I am only 9 days past ovulation and far from "out" but feeling very similar to how I felt last month at this point and we all know how that ended up.  Nada.  But, we are talking and praying about if we might be ready to try Clomid next cycle.  As always, your thoughts, comments, and prayers are welcomed and always appreciated. 


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(Insert some very peaceful and pensive music while I go look at this site.)

Romans 5:1-4

Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

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I am not sure what I expected from today's appointment with the RE.  Doug had a semen analysis and I had my hormone levels checked last month.  I am not sure why I hesitated to schedule an appointment to get the results.  I think I was so hopeful that I would turn up pregnant and it wouldn't matter what the results were.  Well, no such luck, and I figured it was finally time to get some answers.  I waited patiently for 2 weeks to meet with the doctor this morning.


As I drove to the appointment, alone with my thoughts, I prayed.  I asked God to let me leave the appointment with a sense of peace, clarity, and positivity.  I got to the office and found myself in an empty waiting room thumbing through a women's fashion magazine.  I was amazingly at ease.  I really think that God was already acting on my prayers.  I was in the room wondering if brand X make-up could really make me look younger instead of perseverating on if I would never have more children.  I was peaceful.

Then, the doctor himself came to the door and greeted me in the waiting room.  After a cheerful exchange we went into the office to chat.  Considering the fact that he was about to reveal to me the fate of my family, I was still peaceful.  I sat, and before I even had a chance to take a full breath, he spilled the results out in front of me.

"You're both fine."

"Really?" I said, not really surprised but maybe a bit confused.

"Really.  Your hormone levels are all normal.  That at-home FSH tests (First Response in case any of you were curious) may have picked up on a weird cycle.  Unlikely.  It is possible it detected something else in your urine like if you were too close to ovulation it may have picked up the LH (not the case- it was CD3).  Then the third possibility is that it was just b*llsh*t."

Have I mentioned how much I like my doctor?

So, here we are with a year of trying under our belts and nothing to show for it.  But, that isn't exactly true.  I could look at this with annoyance and frustration at not having any real reason for our issues, or I can thank God for giving me time to grow even closer to Him, allowing me to meet and become friends with so many of you, and giving me more time to appreciate His perfect timing.

The next step?  Doug and I still have to talk about if we want to try Clomid or not.  This will be a decision we will make together in the coming days, weeks, months.

So that is it.  Nothing.  But, God has answered my prayers because I have a sense of peace, clarity, and positivity.  What prayers has He answered for you?


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I was asked an interesting question in an email and I thought is was worthy of becoming a post.  A reader asked me if I ever get funny looks when I say I want more children even though I already have two.  The short answer is, "Occassionally."

The longer answer is that sometimes I worry what others might think when I say I want a large family.  But, I have prayed about having more children.  God has made it clear to me that my family is not yet complete.  I have never been one to say that I want two kids and then I will be done.  I honestly believe that by saying I only want X number of kids, is like saying that God's opinion doesn't count.  I think God knows how many kids I will have.  From the start, my answer to, "How many children are you going to have?" has always been, "However many God's wants me to have."

Right now, I am thrilled with my two children.  They mean everything to me.  I just know that when I am done having children, God will give me a sense of peace.  A feeling of completion.  But right now, there is room for more love in my heart and home. 

Risking going a little off topic, I think that I grew up in the wrong era.  I wish everyone had families like our grandparents, and great grandparents did.  They got married and made babies.  Other than abstinence, they let God decide how many babies they were meant to have.  It was rare that a woman 100 years ago said, I only want to have one child.  They opened their hearts and homes to all of the children that God wanted them to have.  Now, women want to plan their family as it will best suit their timing, plans, needs, etc.  Then, when they think they are ready, they want God to chip in and do His part. I think it should be the opposite. I will always make my womb available for God to bless me with another one of His miracles.


Does that make me greedy?  No.  It makes me faithful.  Am I happy with the two kids I have?  More than words can express.  Does it make me a bad person because I want more children?  If it is God will, then it is a good thing that I am in agreement with Him!  Can I ask myself another question and answer it myself?  Yes.  Yes, I can.

This weekend I finished my Red Clover project and was super excited about how easy it was, how fulfilling it was to feel like I was doing something as God wanted me to, and felt so close to God and nature.  I was so happy about my finished product, I started looking online to see if anyone out there was selling it.  Of course they were, but I could totally beat their prices!  So, it was official!  I was going to make as much of the tincture as I could and offer it for sale! 

Then, come Saturday night, Doug points out that it is very likely that the season for Red Clover could likely be coming to an end.  That we might not be able to make a lot but we could certainly start in the spring and make as much as we wanted then.  I was sort of disappointed since I was so excited about sharing this with those of you who were interested. 

Yesterday afternoon, I decided that I was going to go for a hike and find as much as I could so that I could at least make one batch to sell, and also have enough to hopefully get me through the winter as well.  I walked around outside hunting for clover blossoms.  I found a few here and a few there, but looking at them in the big virtually empty bowl was borderline depressing.  I searched and searched and could occassionally find one or two hiding under some taller grass.  I was sweating between infrequent cool breezes but determined that I would at least fill my bowl once even if it meant walking to the neighboring property and asking to pick their clover.  Then, as I was staring at the ground hoping for a splash of purple, I saw 3 or 4 blossoms right next to each other.  The only problem was that they were on the other side of the electric fence that I was not a big fan of handling.  But, there were several blossoms just out of my reach.  As I reached for the handle on the electric fence to disconnect it and carefully step over, I was amazed.

After 25 minutes of hunting for clover and yielding enough to make a tincture for a very fertile mouse, I noticed that the whole field ahead of me was full of Red Clover.  Seriously.  Completely full of very purple, very fluffy, Red Clover blossoms.  I almost cried when I saw this sight.  I could fill up my bowl 300 times if I had the patience (and a better back). 

I am not sure that I felt as close to God as I did yesterday.  I am so thankful that God provides us everything that we need!  As I gathered as much clover as I could fit into my bowl, I was thanking God.  I was amazed and hopeful.  I felt connected not only to God but the baby he will bless me with.  I just know that He is with me in this journey!

 

After I came in and told Doug about all of the clover, he went out and brought back two more bowls full!  And, tonight, he will be going out again to harvest some more!  Do you know what this means?!  This means that if you have any interest in buying some, I will have plenty on hand!  If you are itching to start it as soon as possible, drop me an email!  Otherwise, in the near future, I will be announcing the launch of my new herb website and blog.  I have decided that, while the herbs and the trying to conceive things overlap, not everyone is interested in both.  If you are, I hope very much to have you a part of both journeys! 

As Arpita and her husband enter their fourth year of trying to conceive their first child, she is trying to embrace the lessons the universe still has to teach her. Arpita wears her heart on her sleeve on her blog, about trying to conceive both naturally and with medical help, the infertility experience, natural parenting and everything and anything in mommy-world including easy recipes and loads of Give Aways. She blogs at Up, Down & Natural. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.

When you start trying to conceive there is no shortage of stories of "friends of a friend of an aunt" and the "I know someone who". First the stories start off with the "I know someone who... got pregnant the first month off birth control. No period or anything!" You start to convince yourself, of course we won't have any trouble! We are young, healthy, don't smoke, don't do drugs... and we waited for the right time in our lives. We have been so responsible with this decision. We're not some dumb teenagers just hopping into bed! All signs point to baby... Then, as the years crank on of the TTC drudgery, and doctors appointments and tests, you start wondering if all the tests and procedures are accurate, and how deep the doctors looked in to things. You start wondering, maybe they switched our "normal" results with someone else's. Even though everyone is all healthy you start almost, just almost, wishing that something were wrong so there would be something to fix!

This fall, after delaying it for well over a year, my husband and I are scheduled for an IUI with medical injections (COH) in September. I was so hopeful leading up to the procedure that I would be one of those lucky women who, like my sister, was scheduled for more aggressive fertility treatments and then at the last moment found out they were pregnant and didn't need to go through with it. These are the stories you start to hear after two, three... going in to four years of trying to conceive. The "I know someone who tried for 7 years, and as soon as she stopped trying, BAM! She got pregnant!" Of course, I suppose there is still time for me to miraculously find out I'm pregnant before the procedure... but now it is starting to dawn on me that most people who have to schedule fertility treatments do infact have to also go through with having fertility treatments. I guess everyone, myself included, wants to be the exception instead of the rule.

I was trying the whole "not trying" thing, and for a while it was working. Not a care in the world, and for the first time in years I started thinking about the fact that maybe I did want to progress further in my career and maybe having the delay in having a baby was a good thing. Of course, that lasted about a minute before realizing that the only real thing I've been sure of is that God put me on this planet to be a mother. I'm still on a "break" of sorts and not using any ovulation predictor strips, acupuncture or anything else this month. Just a few herbs and vitamins that I should be on even if we weren't trying to conceive. I've read and re-read Maria's post "It Isn't Always About Me" about 1000 times. I keep trying to tell myself that, and even though deep inside me I know it's the truth and there must be a plan for us, I'm having such a hard time tearing myself away from the though that it's just not fair. I think everyone struggles with the thoughts of what they know they should think and feel, and what they DO think and feel. It's such a negative trap but I keep thinking to myself "Well..... if I just had ONE baby, at least then maybe I could come to terms with the fact that of course God has a better plan for us." But the fact that me not being a mother might be in God's plan just doesn't make sense to me.

Over the years, I've met and talked with other women who have been trying to conceive, and having trouble trying to conceive. One of the true blessings of my blog is that I've been able to help many women who have had struggles cope and not feel along as they go on to celebrate their pregnancies. Part of me does wonder, maybe this is the point of it all. Maybe my struggles have been to help others. However... something does keep nagging at me. Over the years, I've had other TTC friends tell me before they didn't understand why some women just didn't want children. This always strikes me as odd, since it was always crystal clear to me. I would say to them, I totally understood it. I believe wholeheartedly that God has put this want and deep maternal desire within me because he has given me the ability to be an amazing mother and I truly feel within me that it's my purpose in life. I used to tell my friends that women who claim that they don't want children might have another purpose in life, and that's why God never filled them with this deep maternal desire. Now I don't consider myself to be very religious, but I do believe in God. On those really tough days, I start to wonder if maybe I'm supposed to learn some other lesson like "Suck it up, Princess. You can't always get what you want..." The rational side of me knows that this likely is not the case. However, the emotional, hormonal side who has spent the last three years congratulating other women on their pregnancies while I don a fake smile, and yet again push away the tears wonders if I'll always be the guest at the Baby Shower, instead of the one it's thrown for.

My mother, who I speak daily with about mine and my husband's struggles has often told me that being pregnant is such a small part of being a mother, and there are always other options. I do agree with her that pregnancy is a very short time period in being a parent, but I also think it's a defining one. I would give anything to know what it feels like to have another human being growing inside me, and using my body for nourishment. To create life with my husband, and help bring another human being into the world is something that has always been my dream.

At the end of the day, I have to trust the fact that deep in my soul, I do know that I will be a mother. I do truly believe I would not have this deep of a desire for it, if it were not meant to be in some capacity. I'm not certain in what way I will come to that end, but I do know that it is the destination I am headed for. What each day is teaching me, is that I must learn whatever lessons it is that God is placing before me, and try to enjoy the journey to that destination.

I am so happy to be able to share this post with you all. In the 8 months that I have been blogging I have been able to "meet" some of the most wonderful people with whom there is just a special connection. With Arpita, we are able to commiserate through our frustrations with TTC and laugh to the point I have tears in my eyes. She decided it was entertainment enough to share it with all of you on a post called:

Give It Up, Google. You Don't Have Kids, and You're Not A Doctor.

Stay tuned for more information on the fantastic website that has been born because of this conversation. Take that infertility!