The cycle that Doug and I conceived, he was taking FertilAid for men.  He seemed to like it because anytime I happened to ask if he had taken it he had.  This is coming from a guy who routinely forgets to take his prescription medications!  Again, do we know if this was what "did the trick?"  Nope!  Will we use it again in hopes of the same results?  You betcha!
To win this one month supply of FertilAid for Men, you will need to complete this easy crossword puzzle!  Have fun and good luck! Remember that you have to be signed in in order to complete the puzzle! 

Today on my While I Wait list I get to show some love to some of my favorite bloggers!  I have chosen some of my blogging friends who are trying to conceive and I am thrilled to be following their journey.


I am sure that I have shared this one before but Maria at Every Day is a Country Song has such a fun blog to read.  Every post warms the heart, tugs at a tear, and makes me like her just that much more.  She might be a bit of a crazy cat lady but I would have it any other way!


Megan at My Life as a Minister's Wife is another fantastic blog to read.  She has suffered losses, but has the faith of an army as she continues to try for her first baby.  Just this week, she wrote an amazing post that really spoke to me and I think you will like it too!


At Our Journey for  a Baby, she is often a woman of few words.  Interestingly enough, the words that she finds of value enough to share are valuable beyond words.  Ironic?  I think not. 

There are so many of you but instead of listing you all I will share more in my next TWW... if there is one.  I am still hanging around in Limboland unsure if the line on today's test is still from a trigger or if it is a real, honest to goodness, pregnancy.  Feeling kind of crampy and completely unsure.

Today I went for my baseline ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any cysts from last round of clomid and to get started on the new cycle.  Today, I didn't have my classmate doctor.  I didn't have Dr. Eminem either.  Today I had a tall, nondescript, soft spoken fella.  A half a step behind was the non-muppet version of Bert (from Bert and Ernie) as his med student side kick.

As Bert furrowed his uni-brow, I managed to contort myself just enough to see the ultrasound screen.  Dr Bert didn't really use words as much as making his uni-brow into a peak in the general direction of the tall fella.  That is when I spoke up and said, "Let me guess.  That is a cyst."  And... I was right.

I was given the decision to use birth control pills to make the cyst go away and take a cycle off from the Clomid or just take a cycle off from the Clomid and let the cyst take care of itself.  I opted to just let nature take care of the cyst.  I am actually okay with this since I wasn't looking forward to another cycle of appointments, hormones, and hopes.  This way, if God intends us to get pregnant, it can still happen and I can just... wait for it.... wait for it.... relax.  Yep I said it.  This infertile girl is just going to relax and see what happens.

Plus, I have a little something else on my plate right now.  Starting Tuesday night I starting having some pretty uncomfortable back pain.  While it didn't feel good, I was confident that after a hot shower and some Icy Hot, I would be fine.  Yesterday I had to call Doug at work and ask him to come home.  Lifting Joey (who is a healthy 31+ pounds) several times a day was proving to be painful.  I was trying to be a tough girl but when Doug appeared at the door, I cried.  I was in so much pain and seeing him there was like going from survival mode to being rescued.  All of the sudden I gave myself permission to admit how much pain I was in.  It hasn't gotten any better.  In fact, each day is more pain than the last so after my ultrasound, I stopped into my General Practitioner (and family friend) to see if she could squeeze me in.  Thankfully she could, and I am now in a back brace, taking steroids, muscle relaxers and pain meds.  I am feeling artificially better but Doug is going to stay home and be Mr. Mom for the next couple of days so I can rest and hopefully be back in working order by Monday.

So, after further thought... I'm wondering if my ability to utter the words, "Just relax."  is a direct result of my medications.  I think I'm ready for a nap.

I was hopeful this cycle.  I really was.  Then as the important and exciting days approached are are almost behind us, that hope is growing smaller and smaller.  Yesterday's test was almost impossible to see.  Some real squinter pros might be able to make it out but almost non-existent.  Then, I felt like peeing on a 5 dollar bill but since I didn't have any of those in the house, I decided to pee on a First Response test.  I got a light but clearly visibly line.  With nothing to compare it to, I realized it meant next to nothing. 

Last night as I was warming up under my covers, I started to get achy and uncomfortable.  It was about that time that I realized that if I was pregnant, I would have been asleep by then.  At about 4:00 am, our cute adorable and chronologically challenged dogs decided to want to go out.  Doug let them out but I decided to take my temperature, just because I was awake.  It was dismally low.  I knew that the temperature wasn't really valid but, it didn't look good.  Then, as I thought about how ugly my chart was going to look when I put that temperature in it, I felt something familiar.  That first cramp.  The first cramp that clearly signaled that my period wouldn't be all that far behind it. 

When I woke up, I temped again and the temp wasn't AS ugly but it was low and barely above my coverline.  Later in the morning, I had that urge to pee on another 5 dollar bill but again, hadn't been to an ATM so I peed on another First Response.  While the line was there, it is what I like to call a ghost squinter.  In fact, I'll be impressed if anyone can even see it on the picture.  It is so ghostly that it only can be seen in the right light and the camera seems to wash out any teeny bit of color there is. Plus, even if you can see it, I am feeling pretty confident that it is just that teeny bit of trigger shot left. 

I am feeling crampy, tired, and pretty much watching out my window for the evil AF (Aunt Flo) to crash my Hope Party.  Well.... There is always next month and I have to feel confident in at least one thing.  God is in control of this. 

I went to the RE today and we have:

Well, not these exactly but 2 follicles about ready to pop out 2 eggs!  One on the right and one on the left and both measuring just over 22.  My lining was 8.3 (I think) and the doctor said anything above 8 is good.  The nurse gave me the HCG shot and off I was sent to do some "intercoursing."  Seriously!  The doctor said for us "to intercourse." I have never heard this word used that way and I think I may have giggled out loud like an awkward school girl. 

Also I asked if I should be using Mucinex to thin things out.  I should explain that even after 5 years of charting, pregnancies, and message board conversations, I still get a bit of a weird feeling whenever I have to say the word mucus out loud.  I try skirting that actual word as much as possible even in reference to a cold.  It is just such a gross word with such unattractive visuals.  So, when I asked about the mucinex, I figured a quick, "It can't hurt."  or maybe a, "Absolutely!" but not this.  He went on to tell me, "If we put mucus of any kind, phlegm, cervical mucus, or snot, in a beaker and put mucinex on it it will no doubt thin it out.  Whether it will help you conceive or not?  Who knows."  Now, I have THAT image if mucus in a beaker.  Great. 

So... here I sit.  I am currently more pregnant than I have been in over a year thanks to the shot of HCG!  I am hopeful that the next two weeks go faster than the last two did. 

If you have been following me for a while you know that I set out on a mission to make my own Fertility Tea.  Starting in the late spring I started growing the herbs I would need for the ingredients.  I quickly learned that realistically, I wasn't going to be able to actually harvest and use my own tea for at least another year or two.  Also, while I would be able to make my own tea, I learned that many of you were also interested in this tea!  I would certainly love to be able to grow enough of these plants to share with all of you but it doesn't seem feasible at this point.  But wait!  I have the next best thing!

This weekend we made a huge batch of our TTC Tea so that we can share it with all of you!  I was so excited to open up the various packages filled with the ingredients.  As soon as the bags opened, the room would fill with the intoxicating smells.  Not all of them smelled particularly yummy but the red raspberry leaf and the peppermint made up for the less delightful ones.


We mixed equal parts of the following:

Red Clover

Chamomile

Chaste Berries (Vitex)

Red Raspberry Leaf

Green Tea Leaf

Nettle Leaf

Peppermint Leaf

After mixing it well, we measured and weighed it out and put it into our metal tea tins.  The tea blend really is attractive!






One of our 2.5 ounce tins of tea will last you approximately one month when used used 3 times a day.  Simply place a teaspoonful of the tea blend into a loose tea ball (or use a coffee filter or cheesecloth) and let steep for several minutes.  Do this three times a day until pregnancy is achieved! 

Interested?  If you are eager to get started right away...







Feeling lucky?  Enter below to win your very own homemade with love, TTC Tea!

Last night I was making a quick run to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for a pumpkin bread recipe that I am making for Gavin's preschool class.  It was rainy, cold, close to bed time for the boys, and in order to save time, I had Joey, Doug and my dad waiting in the car.  Gavin insisted on coming with me.  So we raced up and down isles grabbing the few things we needed from the shelves.  Gavin was doing a good job keeping up with my hurried pace.  Then, we scooted ourselves into the shortest line at the checkout.  We loaded our things onto the belt as the woman ahead of us finished paying.  A total of about 25 second may have passed since we arrived in the line.  Gavin, at a clearly audible level, asks:

"Why is this taking SO LONG?!"  

I quickly answered him, at a level equally as audible, "We just got into line. It will be our turn soon!"  My cheeks were a little pink as the woman ahead of us and the cashier both smiled at me.  We paid for our things and quickly shuffled back out to the car. 

Not a very climactic story, I know.  But, it gets better...

Last night, Doug had to catch a 6:30 am flight out of an airport over an hour drive from home.  That meant he had to wake up at 3:00 am!  I don't know if it was my anxiety over making sure he woke up on time or if it was my second serving of caffeine at dinner, but I couldn't sleep.  As I tossed and turned, God decided to send me a message.

I was taken back to my experience at the grocery store and this time when I visualized the events, I was the child.  I turned to God and asked, "Why is this taking SO LONG?!"   God smiled at me and said, "You just got in line.  It will be your turn soon."

I am only 9 days past ovulation and far from "out" but feeling very similar to how I felt last month at this point and we all know how that ended up.  Nada.  But, we are talking and praying about if we might be ready to try Clomid next cycle.  As always, your thoughts, comments, and prayers are welcomed and always appreciated. 


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Getting pregnant is easy.  Pray, have sex, pray, get pregnant.  That is how is works for most people.  Then there are the pros.  The ones like you and me who have been forced to have baby making be a profession.  We might go to work for 8 hours a day, or parent children all day, but our mind is all about the baby making.  We spend every free moment googling a new trick, tip, technique, supplement, schedule, or position in hopes of taking home a tidbit of info that will be the secret key to making a baby this month.  So then the planning starts.  Ovulation approaches and we have the plan of attack.  It might be the every other day method, the as much as humanly possible method, the preseed and instead cup... you get the point.

In walks the husband.  After a pleasant dinner, small talk and the evenings typical activities, it is finally bedtime!
"Honey?  Are you ready for bed!?" we say as we are swallowing our prenatal vitamin and checking out our super positive OPK. 
"Oh.  But is is already almost 11:00pm and I have an early morning meeting at work.  How about tomorrow?
(TTC crowd groans)

OR

"Hey sweetheart.  I got a smiley face on my OPK today!"
"Oh.  Okay."
(muffled sounds under bedsheets)
"Thanks honey."
"No problem."

OR

"Hey, honey!  It's time!  We are gonna get wild tonight and make us one adorable baby!! Are you ready for a good time?!" as we grab the preseed and pillow to prop up our hips.
"Oh yeah!  I am right behind you!"
(insert some awkward disrobing and tangled sheets)
"Alright!  Mmm.... Uhhhh... Honey?"
"I don't know what is going on!  I want to do THIS!  I just can't seem to get cooperation from the Sarge."
After 20 minutes of failed attempts to convince Sarge to step up to the front lines, we are angry, frustrated, annoyed, and hurt.  Our husbands are embarrassed, confused, annoyed, and did I mention embarassed?

So what's the issue?  
While guys are always portrayed in the movies as sex fiends who want to bang pretty young things like mad, the truth is they are more sensitive than we give them credit for.  They can "put out" even when they aren't in the mood, but do it because they love us.  We know all about that, don't we?  But, when they are asked to put out every day or every other day on a schedule, it is hard for them not to feel a little... well... taken advantage of.  Some men have called sex during the fertile time, getting "sperm jacked."  They feel like if they could hand over their sperm with a handshake and a "Here you go Honey." we would be just as satisfied.  And sometimes, let's be honest, we would be.

Then, pile on top of that that they feel like, as a man, they should be able to get you pregnant, and it isn't happening... The self doubt, silent as can be, creeps into the bed room.  Guys are problem solvers and the problem is that we aren't pregnant.  They want so badly to fix that problem and when they "can't" they feel like less of a man.  This is where Sarge suddenly has a mental breakdown and really causes problems!

How to fix this?

Talk to your husband about his likes and dislikes in the bedroom.  Then, do the "likes" even when you aren't fertile!  This will help him to see that you desire him even when it isn't about catching the egg.

Sometimes sharing the ovulation information isn't always helpful.  If you feel the urge to share that you are about to ovulate, that is what message boards are for.  Lots of ladies will get excited for you to pop an egg.  Many guys... not so much. 

Identify a cue.  Find something that you both like that can cue the desire for some action.  Maybe a scented candle, a special dessert, a perfume, or lingerie.  Take a trip to the mall and have your husband pick something out for you.  Let him pick something that he really likes so that it can do all the talking when the time is of the essence. 

Another thing that might be worth sharing with our guys is the fact that God designed us to want the lovin' more when we are fertile.  So, it isn't that we ONLY want it then, it is just that we want it more and are more likely to initiate.  We aren't just trying to "sperm jack" them.  We are just hornier!

Another thing that is good to share with our fellas is that they aren't the only one who has had performance anxiety when trying to conceive.  And, even when we are so frustrated and visualizing our egg floating away, unfertilized and full of wasted potential, we need to remember that our husbands are our first priority.  Not having a child?  Manageable.  Not having him?  Unimaginable.

Do you have any tricks or tips you use to keep things from getting too routine?  


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For those of you who are following my TTC journey, we decided to go for it despite the nurse's statement about Doug's meds. We both figured that if God wanted us to get pregnant than He would see to it that it happened. If I miscarry or have a child with an issue, that won't make that baby any less wanted, loved, or gifted to me from God. So while we technically have a shot at being pregnant, I am not feeling hopeful. One would think that given that information, I wouldn't be excited to start testing, right? Oh, how excited I am!

A very awesome company has sent me a variety of pregnancy tests (and ovulations tests) to use and review! The only thing more exciting than free pee sticks is being able to host a giveaway of free pee sticks for YOU! So, in the next few days, I will start busting out my pee cup, dipping like mad, and sharing all of my thoughts with all of you! I hope very much to share a positive test with you but, if not, that doesn't mean you guys shouldn't get a shot to turn both lines pink!!! Be watching in the coming days for this amazing pee fest and opportunity for you to join in the fun! If you don't follow me on facebook and twitter, you should! You will get the earliest updates for this and upcoming giveaways!

When I was trying to conceive baby #2 and kept miscarrying, no matter when it happened, I was devastated. Maybe it was my coping mechanism, but I would find myself carrying Gavin in his carrier, 3 bags of groceries, and a gallon of milk up the basement stairs and think to myself, "I am not sure how I would have managed if I was pregnant. I have enough on my plate as it is." Or Gavin would go through a phase where he would need me more than usual, was more active, or more labor intensive, and I would think to myself, "God must have seen this coming and knew that I wouldn't have been able to handle this as well if I was dealing with morning sickness, being exhausted, or big and pregnant. It wasn't like my pregnancy with Joey was perfect but, when I was barfing my brains out, Gavin was content to watch an episode of Little Einsteins. I wasn't exhausted because Gavin was sleeping until 8:30 or 9:00am. And by the time I was big and pregnant, Gavin was thriving on being independent. So, really timing for my pregnancy was perfect.

I started my period last week after being taunting with just enough spotting to tease me into googling the crap out of implantation spotting. Nah. Just Aunt Flo stopping by to check out the accommodations before moving in her stuff. Disappointing? Yes. But until we get Doug's health in check, me dealing with morning sickness, going to the doctor weekly for monitoring, juggling Doug's medical appointments, all while somehow managing Gavin, Mr. I Live in Time Out, and Joey, Mr. If It Can Hurt Me, I Will Find a Way To Get It? Dare I say impossible?

As much as I want to be pregnant again, I know that God knew what was headed my way. He knew it would be too much. And now the confession: I weaned early partly so that I could start trying for #3. Whew. There. It is out. As Joey's first birthday is approaching and I think about how I should just now be weaning, I can't help but wonder if the fact that I have been trying for 8 months with no success is God's way of saying that I made a wrong decision about weaning when I did. Who am I to challenge God's plan and give Joey formula to circumvent the way things should have gone.

There is no sense in me dwelling on the decisions that were made 7 months ago but last week, as I sat in Doug's hospital room, I realized that I need to really follow God's lead. With as painful as it is to watch the pregnant world pass me by, I know that when God hands me another child, I will look back and say, "Thank you God for your perfect timing! Again!"


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I am going to give this a shot today since I feel like I need an opportunity to pour my heart out.

I am sitting here waiting for each day to pass to determine what my mood is going to be. I already know that, even if I try really really hard to stay positive, if I end up with a negative pregnancy test this month, I am going to be heartbroken. Every month without a pregnancy is hard but this month is different. Due to the medications Doug needs to take to get better, his fertility is going to significantly diminished. Everything I have read says that it is highly unlikely that we will conceive while he is on the medication. Since his treatment is going to last anywhere from 2-3 years, I can't help but feel like my dreams of a large family are being threatened. I will be 35 this summer and time isn't exactly on our side in that regard, not to mention that Doug is already in his 40's. I love my boys and I can't think of anything better for them than to have more siblings to grow up with, play with, learn from, and share with.

This is really hard for me to write about since I really don't want Doug to feel like he needs to focus on anything other than his health. He is my priority. His healthy is most important to me. But, I would be lying if I said that I am not devastated to learn that pregnancy may not be a part of our lives for 3 years. I am trying really hard to remind myself that God has a plan but right now, I am feeling like this plan really sucks. I have a few more days before I can rule out a pregnancy for this month so I am praying that we timed thing right and that this really low point for both of us can turn into a wonderful blessing while Doug heals.

Today I am 8 days past ovulation (for those of you following my TTC journey). I will keep you posted in the coming days as to those results.

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I think it is funny how whenever I am trying to get pregnant my mind plays these crazy games. There is a website, www.countdowntopregnancy.com, that enables women to track their pregnancy (or possible pregnancy symptoms) from ovulation to their positive test. While this is a great deal of obsessive style fun, I have to think it is pretty comical. Some of the funnier ones are diarrhea, gas, and fatigue. Don't get me wrong. I am always tuned into my body waiting for any sign or symptom that I might get the two pink lines at the end of the month but, really? Gas, the runs, and being tired? Isn't this symptoms of eating really greasy pizza and chasing after a 3 year old and a 7 month old?

With Gavin the only symptom I has was that I had one teeny spot of blood when I wiped. I was not due for my period for at least 5 more days and history told me that when my period came, she showed up in full force. Spotting had not been a part of my vocabulary. So, at that moment, I knew that it was likely implantation spotting. Then the next night I was laying in bed and all of the sudden I realized that I could smell the air freshener in the bathroom. I couldn't just smell it, I could almost taste it.

When I was trying for my second child I payed a lot of attention to every twinge, pull, cramp, ache, pain, well.. you get the point. I was obsessed. I would check the site to see if it was a good sign. I would see how many other women reported the "symptom" and either become just a bit more hopeful or swear that I was just noticing something that most women wouldn't notice. The truth is, it is all just ridiculous. I had restless leg syndrome a few nights before my positive home pregnancy test. I had extreme thirst before another. I had cramping before, yet another. While this sounds like I had pregnancy symptoms, I failed to mention all of the pregnancy symptoms I had only to be greeted by my period knocking down my door. I had cramps, extreme thirst for nothing but water, gas, diarrhea, back pain, cramps, metallic taste in my mouth, again, you get the point.

Better yet, these are some of the symptoms on the list of "Most Common Early Pregnancy symptoms."

Acne breakout....................................Decrease in Acne
Dry mouth...........................................Increase in saliva
Fatigue.................................................Restlessness

With these being symptoms, it is no wonder I swear I am pregnant every month! Even right this minute I am thinking about how thirsty I am but noticing how I have a lot of saliva. I am exhausted but probably couldn't sleep. Is that a zit? Maybe. Don't I usually have more zits that that?

I would love to hold an unscientific experiment. I would like to ask women who haven't ovulated yet and tell them that there is a possibility that they are pregnant. Then, give them a list of the 60 most common symptoms of pregnancy and have them record which ones they feel for two weeks. Something tells me that most of these women will write down about 20 symptoms. Even before they have ovulated. Of course, I will never be able to run this experiment but I challenge myself each month to do just this so that I can recognize how silly I am being when I think I must be pregnant because I farted 3 times on a Tuesday while thinking about salt and vinegar potato chips.

I really hope that I can get pregnant (and stay pregnant) so that I don't have to go through this waiting and wondering torture for very long. I must admit that since I have started this blog, I have managed to be much less obsessed with trying to get pregnant and staring at my chart waiting for it to telling me the future. But with that all said, I am going to go to countdown to pregnancy and see what symptoms are the most reported for 4 days past ovulation. Oh... the games my mind likes to play.

In October of 2010, Doug and I would be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary. It was hard to imagine that 4 years had already passed. I guess the saying holds true that time flies when you are having fun. According to my charts and calendars I was also due to ovulate on our anniversary so I figured that we would at least have a chance of having another positive pregnancy test in a few weeks. If we didn't, we had our appointment to receive the results from our genetic testing at beginning of November. Our anniversary was right around the corner and Doug broke the news to me that he has to be in Canada for business. At first I was sad just to learn that he would be away for our anniversary. Then I was a little extra heartbroken that I was going to ovulate when I was home all alone. Another month was going to pass with no baby 9 months later but again, at least we would be getting some answers. Well, I had hoped so.

If I wasn't already convinced that God has his hand in everything then I was that month. I was taking my temperature every morning and as Doug was out of town I waited for my temperature to rise indicating, for sure, that we had missed our chance. My temperature slowly ticked upward each morning but not enough that I could throw in the towel for that month. It was Friday and Doug was due home that night so on a whim, I took and ovulation test only to get the most positive result I had ever had in my 18 months of trying. I called Doug and made sure he "saved some energy" for when he came home. The rest of the month, I continued to take my temperature but never, unlike every other month in my charting career, had a significant rise in temperature. I had no idea if or when I really ovulated since all I could go on was one OPK.

A little less than 2 weeks later I was eager for Doug and I to meet with Dr. Mooney to get the results from the testing. I was sure that something must be wrong with one or both of us. I certainly didn't want this to be the case but at least with that information in hand, we could get a real handle on what was happening and what our options were. The day before the appointment I took a home pregnancy test just to rule out, for sure, that we were pregnant. There appeared a ghostly shadow of a line.

"Seriously?!" I asked myself. "Again?!"

I wanted more than anything to be pregnant but I was sure that I was just going to miscarry. Again.

The next day, I took another test and the line was darker! I had unavoidable feelings of hopefulness but with an overwhelming sense of dread. It was like driving in fog to an unknown destination. But into that car I climbed. For now, the destination was Dr. Mooney's office for the results.

Normal. Both normal. Unbelievable. We must have the worst luck in the world! Still no explanation for 6 consecutive losses and here we are with yet another, likely doomed, pregnancy. We talked with Dr. Mooney about what to do with the next cycle if/when we miscarried again.

We talked about green beans. Canned green beans. No joke. I asked him if there was anything I could do to improve the quality of my eggs and he referred to my eggs as 33 year old canned green beans. There was nothing I could do to make them younger, look better, or more appealing. At my request, he agreed that we could try Clomid to try to produce a couple more eggs. I think his words were, "Sure. We can throw a few more at the wall and see if at least one will stick. It would improve the odds, I suppose."

Before leaving we did talk about our plan of action with the current pregnancy on the off chance we could make it last. I decided to not use the progesterone suppositories since they hadn't worked in the past and all they seemed to do was prolong the inevitable miscarriage by tricking my body into thinking I was still pregnant. We were also going to skip the Lovenox injections since they were very expensive, not fun to administer to oneself, and failed to keep me pregnant the last time. I decided that I was just going to take my vitamins and baby aspirin. Then, I asked Dr. Mooney about herbs. He said that he didn't think that there was any harm in trying but without saying as much, I don't think he had much faith in them.

That afternoon I ordered the herbs that claimed to prevent miscarriage. I had read testimonials from women that had used these herbs and went on to have happy and healthy pregnancies so I figured, why not give it a shot. Nothing else had worked. I ordered the herbs and waited for them to arrive.