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(Insert some very peaceful and pensive music while I go look at this site.)

Romans 5:1-4

Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

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When I was trying to conceive baby #2 and kept miscarrying, no matter when it happened, I was devastated. Maybe it was my coping mechanism, but I would find myself carrying Gavin in his carrier, 3 bags of groceries, and a gallon of milk up the basement stairs and think to myself, "I am not sure how I would have managed if I was pregnant. I have enough on my plate as it is." Or Gavin would go through a phase where he would need me more than usual, was more active, or more labor intensive, and I would think to myself, "God must have seen this coming and knew that I wouldn't have been able to handle this as well if I was dealing with morning sickness, being exhausted, or big and pregnant. It wasn't like my pregnancy with Joey was perfect but, when I was barfing my brains out, Gavin was content to watch an episode of Little Einsteins. I wasn't exhausted because Gavin was sleeping until 8:30 or 9:00am. And by the time I was big and pregnant, Gavin was thriving on being independent. So, really timing for my pregnancy was perfect.

I started my period last week after being taunting with just enough spotting to tease me into googling the crap out of implantation spotting. Nah. Just Aunt Flo stopping by to check out the accommodations before moving in her stuff. Disappointing? Yes. But until we get Doug's health in check, me dealing with morning sickness, going to the doctor weekly for monitoring, juggling Doug's medical appointments, all while somehow managing Gavin, Mr. I Live in Time Out, and Joey, Mr. If It Can Hurt Me, I Will Find a Way To Get It? Dare I say impossible?

As much as I want to be pregnant again, I know that God knew what was headed my way. He knew it would be too much. And now the confession: I weaned early partly so that I could start trying for #3. Whew. There. It is out. As Joey's first birthday is approaching and I think about how I should just now be weaning, I can't help but wonder if the fact that I have been trying for 8 months with no success is God's way of saying that I made a wrong decision about weaning when I did. Who am I to challenge God's plan and give Joey formula to circumvent the way things should have gone.

There is no sense in me dwelling on the decisions that were made 7 months ago but last week, as I sat in Doug's hospital room, I realized that I need to really follow God's lead. With as painful as it is to watch the pregnant world pass me by, I know that when God hands me another child, I will look back and say, "Thank you God for your perfect timing! Again!"


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"Mom?"
"What?"
"Mom?"
"What, Honey?"
"Mom?"
"Gavin, I said 'what' twice already. What do you need?"
"Oh. Okay mom. Uh.... Mom?"



"I'm done resting, mom. Can I get up?"
"Not yet honey. It has only been 5 minutes."
"But I'm not tired. I want to get up."
"I'll let you know when it is time to get up."
"Okay. How 'bout now?"
"Gavin. Honey. Get some rest okay."
"How 'bout now? How 'bout now? How 'bout now?"



While I could probably come up with about 15 examples of times where Gavin has made me want to pull out my hair, he always manages to make it all worth while. Yesterday, I was coming home from the grocery store. As I pulled up to the house, I see Doug sitting in the front yard with Gavin sitting on his lap. Gavin's eyes peeked around his hood and without seeing his mouth I knew he was smiling. In his little hand was the most beautiful bouquet of dandelions spilling over the top of his hand. I took an extra second to park the car because I had to take a mental photograph of that adorable image. After the car was parked, Gavin stood up and ran over to me and says, "Mommy! I picked these just for you!" Doug told me that as Gavin picked the dandelions he said, "Mommy will think these are the most beautiful flowers!" In that one moment, he reminded me why I love being a mom.

It is days like today that make me question if I am really ready for another baby. Last night, Joey fell asleep like a dream and then, after about 3 hours of good sleep, he was done. He started crying and would fall back asleep for about 10 minutes. Which, coincidentally, was just long enough for me to get comfortable, warm, and halfway to Sleepytown. I would do this same agonizing cycle for a couple of hours when I finally gave up.

I let Joey sleep in bed with us. He always sleeps like a log when he is nestled between Doug and I. He rests his arm on my head or back and will sleep soundly until Gavin shouts, "Time to wake up!" promptly at 7 AM. Last night was a little different though. Gavin had his first nightmare. At 3 years old, he hasn't been able to really explain what it was about but inferring from the scream at 3:30 AM, it had something to do with a missing sock. Yes. A nightmare about a missing sock. I found him in the hallway, shouting, "I need my sock back!!! I need my sock back!!!" through tears of shear agony. It broke my heart to see him so scared and disturbed but I couldn't help but smile that his first bad dream was about a sock.

I took him to the bathroom to hopefully distract him from the thoughts of the dream. I reassured him that I would help him find any and all socks when the sun came up. I tucked him back into bed and shared a few minutes of cuddling and told him how much I loved him. I crawled back into bed next to Joey who was awake but calm. I was about to drift off when I realized that the monitor that goes to Gavin's room wasn't working because I could hear him calling for me but his voice was coming through the wall, not the monitor. After a couple of minutes of figuring out the monitor, Gavin started crying that he needed to go potty. Again. Doug volunteered to take him this time. He finally settled back in. And we all got to have a couple more hours of sleep.

We had a pleasant morning until we discovered that our heat wasn't working and there wasn't any firewood brought in the house. Since the inside temperature was 61 degrees, it was a good day to go shopping. That went well and both boys were manageable. Once we returned and ate lunch, it wasn't long before nap time arrived. Joey hasn't been napping very well or very long lately so I was prepared for a challenge on that front. Gavin, on the other hand, had been telling me all morning how he was still tired. After last night, I can't say that I was surprised. I was tired too. So, I took Gavin up for his nap. Then fed Joey and took him up for his nap. Joey, was acting tired but wanted me to stand right by his crib while he fell asleep. Meanwhile I am hearing Gavin shouting, "MOOOOOOOOOOOM!? CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" Of course Joey was hearing it too and listening attentively to his shrill shouts.

I walked away from the crib to hear Joey instantly scream. I went to Gavin to ask him what he needed, trying to maintain my patience despite being able to feel the anxiety and shear exhaustion bubbling up. He requested some books to read. Okay. Easy enough. I go back to Joey's room and get him settled back down again. I finally see him drift off to sleep. I come downstairs to unwind, relax, watch some TV that isn't animated, and blog. I had just enough time to log into my computer to hear Gavin, in his innocent yet seemingly manipulative voice say the dreaded words, "I have to go potty." In my effort to get everyone along to nap, I had forgotten to make sure he went potty before he went to bed. My eyes actually started to water. Not exactly tears but just moisture that wanted to drip out to relieve some of the stress. Upstairs I go. Then, almost as if he was determined to ensure that I didn't have time to do anything other than tend to him, he tells me, "I am going to go pee. Then poop." Ugg.

So, as I finally am able to sit down and relax without any little voices, I have to wonder... Am I really ready to add to my family? I know that in a few months, today will be just a distant memory. Everyone has rough days, right? I wonder if there is ever an ideal time to add to a family. Won't there always be rough times no matter their ages? Maybe this is God's way of showing me, "See. I know what I am doing. I'll add to your family when I know you are ready."

Clearly, I am not ready today.

If someone want to make millions of dollars almost overnight, they should invest their time and money into discovering a pregnancy test that can tell a woman almost instantaneously if they are pregnant. From my own experience and spending time on message boards, women spend a ton of money on pregnancy tests when they are trying to conceive. Some, including me, although I am a bit ashamed of my habits, will start taking pregnancy tests well before it is even reasonable to believe that one could get a positive pregnancy test. Even though we are all bright enough to realize that it is impossible to know if you are pregnant 2 days after ovulation, it couldn't hurt to try, right? Before I ever happened upon message boards dedicated to family and family building I had never heard of "IC" tests. IC stands for Internet Cheapy test. From the internet, you can purchase pregnancy tests that are less than a dollar a piece. I have only ever ordered tests from one site but while having cheap test to use may help quell the insatiable urge to pee on something, the results tend to be, at best, inconclusive. This is, unless, you are one of the strong ones who can actually wait for a full 12- 14 days after expected conception.

So if you are of the variety that wants to know if you are expecting faster, sooner, with less guess work then you have to get ready to pay for the quality tests. First Response Early Results are good tests that often give you clear answers. It is worth the money if you don't want to spend the better part of your day deciding if what you see is a true positive, true negative, a figment of your imagination, or just wishful thinking. Then there is always the sure thing, the digital test. It is great to get the answer spelled out for you, unless of course it has a NOT on it. That part stinks.

So back to my idea of getting rich quick... If a woman will spend up to 40-50 dollars a month to test repeatedly to find out if she is pregnant, then imagine how much she would spend to know, for sure, immediately after intercourse. I am willing to guess that 75 dollars would fall out of my hand in an instant. Maybe more.

Doug asked me today why I was feeling so anxious. I couldn't find the words to explain how I just wanted to know... NOW... if we were pregnant. I used IC tests over the last few days (much too early) just so I could satiate my urge to test. Then, today, when I felt like I had waited long enough, I spent the big bucks on a name brand test. And, after watching the test dry and staring at it in every light possible, I see nothing. I know it is still early but if only someone out there would come up with the miracle of all pregnancy tests I would be in a much happier place. I would either know to start taking my Welcome Womb or get geared up to try again next month. Could someone reading this who knows people in high places please put this on a suggestion card. It would save me, and tons of other couples, a lot of headaches for two weeks out of the month.