Let me start this post by saying what I love about the Detect5 Pregnancy Tests.  I adore what they are trying to do.  They are designed to help you have some peace of mind that your beta hCG levels are rising which often indicates that a pregnancy is progressing.  Many women who have had trouble trying to conceive or have a history of miscarriages will have blood tests performed 2-3 days apart to show that the amount of hCG is doubling every 48-72 hours.  When women don't have that offered or want to be reassured after those first couple of blood tests, these tests can help to show that you levels are rising.  In the case that they are not, you can call your doctor and let them know your concerns.

This pregnancy, my 11th pregnancy with only 2 children, my blood test results were a bit above average and rising well.  I was very reassured by that!  But when those blood draws were done, I was stuck in the waiting game.  I had had betas that started out okay before and not had things end well.  A few days after my blood draw if 349, I was needing some reassurance that all was okay in there.  I pulled out one of the Detect5 tests that I had stashed away since last year and used it thinking that I should see a line on the 500 line.   This result was what I needed to see:

Then I waited almost a whole week to use my next Detect5 that had just arrived from the wonderful people at early-pregnancy-tests.com.  I was fully expecting that my levels would have passed the 2000 mark.  It is very important to note that the tests that were sent to me are a newer version of the test.  They are read differently and contrary to what every woman would expect.  The first three levels are read the exact same way as before with two lines being positive for that level of hCG.  The 2000 and 10,000 levels are read as positive if only ONE line shows up.  So, I was hoping for just one line at the 2,000 level.  This is the result I had at 5 minutes:


I was so confused.  I thought for SURE that my levels should have been positive at 2,000.  This is when the freakout began.  I saw lines.  I shared pictures with my online secret support group.  They saw them too.  Then the tests dried.  The lines started going away.  By that night, the lines at 2,000 and 10,000 were practically gone.  Both of them.  What does this mean?

That Evening

 I emailed people.  I stared at the tests.  I scoured the internet for other people's experiences with the tests and I was coming up empty.  I panicked a little and called my RE and asked for another blood test.  My result the following morning was a perfectly healthy 4,632.  Crisis averted.

I was really bothered by that test.  I was so scared that my levels weren't climbing anymore and started over-analyzing my symptoms (of which I have few) and was starting to think that things were heading South.  I had to think long and hard about using another one today.  I was mostly just wanting to see a clear positive result on the 2,000 line this time as I was SURE that at this point my levels should register on the urine test.  This time, after assuring myself that no matter the results I would NOT freak out, I got this:

Remember that no line means positive.  This picture was taken at 5 minutes and clearly is positive for both the 2,000 and 10,000 line.  But... here's my thing... If 4,632 showed as negative on the 2,000 line then even if I am just at the 10,000 level it shouldn't be positive on the urine test yet.  Ahhhhhh!  So confusing!  But I would rather be testing higher than have a questionable result on a lower level again.

So overall the Detect5 tests have the right idea.  I am just not sure that they are accurate enough to be completely reassuring to someone who doesn't have the option of requesting an additional blood draw to verify.  But if blood tests are not an option and you really want some sort of verification that your levels are rising, these tests might do that.  They might not.  If you want to experiment and use these tests, do so but please please please do not assume the worst if you don't get the expected results.  If you are concerned about losing symptoms, bleeding during early pregnancy, or cramping, a call to your doctor will leave you with more answers than any pee stick. 

The suspense was nearly killing me.  On Tuesday morning I did my ritualistic boob poke to make sure they were still sore (Oh... don't give me that look. You did it too.) and they weren't.  At all.  I poked my boobs on the way to the doctor's office.  Still nothing.  I poked them some more while I waited for that call.  That time they were a little sore but then I had to wonder if it was because they were actually sore or if they were sore because I had been repeatedly poking them all morning. 

When the call came with the beta number of 149, I poked them again.  Still nothing much happening there, unless I poked them from underneath!  Ah!  A little sore under there.  Those boobs were just playing hard to get.

Yesterday they were about the same.  If it hadn't been for my fatigue I would have been sure that this pregnancy was over.  Then when last night came around and despite a 1 hour nap that afternoon, I was still ready for bet at 9 pm, I was reassured.

I went to the lab this morning and headed home preparing myself for the grueling afternoon of waiting for the phone to ring.  I made lunch for the boys and talked myself into eating a salad.  Just as I was about to sit down for lunch. my cell phone rang.  Oh my goodness!  I only had left the lab less than 2 hours ago.

The nurse's voice was chipper, but this nurse just seems to always sound that way.  She is the type of lady who probably dots her i with a heart with a curly Q tail.  So I allowed her to lull me into a sense of positivity and then her voice got even higher when she told me that my numbers look "Really great!" and that they are "really pleased with them!"  She finally spilled the number to be 349.  Yep.  349.  It doubled and then a little.  I am good with that!  Of course it wasn't quite the crazy high number I was dreaming of but, hey, I'll take it.  A doubling time of about 40 hours with 31-72 being normal. 

Please keep the prayers coming as I will not feel "out of the woods" until I see a heartbeat.  Thanks again to all of you.  Your support means the world to me. 

I am writing this post as I am waiting for my first blood test to come back.  I know it will be positive.  It is more a matter of how positive it is. 

I have been testing every day, but my goal is to kick the habit after today.  I used my last First Response test and while I have some cheapies laying around here somewhere, they aren't really good at being consistent.



I am excited to be where I am today.  I must admit that I am scared to fully embrace the pregnancy until I see a heartbeat, but at the same time I am afraid to let the first trimester of what will likely be my last pregnancy pass me by without enjoying the miracle that is happening.

I have spent a lot of time looking at a few things online.  One is pictures of pregnancy tests with corresponding beta numbers.  I like to see light lines produce big numbers because that might mean that my dark tests will bring me a huge number.  Why do I want a huge number you might ask?  Well, there is this wacky little study that was done on a scientific level that showed that the beta level of a pregnant woman drawn on 16 days past ovulation (dpo) can be an indicator of if the pregnancy will be successful.

What this study found:

25 - 50 hCG at 16dpo -- Four women in this study had hCG levels below 50 at this stage. The researchers concluded that with these levels less than 25% would continue on with their pregnancy with more than 75% miscarrying.

50 - 100 hCG at 16dpo -- Of 16 women, 25% continued on with their pregnancies.

100 - 199 hCG at 16dpo -- Of 27 women with these levels, 73% continued on with their pregnancies.

200 - 299 hCG at 16dpo -- Of 48 women, 96% continued on with their pregnancies

Over 300 hCG -- All 105 women continued on with their pregnancies.

To read the whole study and participate in the informal 16 dpo project go HERE.  

So what I am saying is that I would really like to see my beta to be over 300 but I'll settle for over 200.  That would really help these early days to pass better.

I will not publish this post until the call comes.  So now we wait....


Still waiting...


And still waiting...


Oh my goodness!  Call already!!


And the number is....149

Of course I was hoping for higher but I'll take it.  73% isn't bad.  Plus in all honesty, When I was 16 dpo with Joey my beta was only 52.  So.... I'll take it.  

The moment you have been waiting for is finally upon you!  You held in your hand a stick.  You peed on that stick.  While your urine absorbed into that fortune telling wick, you began dreaming of nursery themes and itty bitty argyle socks.  Then, as if your pee could talk, the words, "I'm pregnant!" echoed in your head.  With that news literally in your hand, you shook like a kid on Christmas morning.  You jumped a few times then worried it might hurt the baby.  You may have even twirled while holding your pee stick, small child, or pet under 40 pounds.  You, my dear, are pregnant!

Now what?  Do you scurry to thumb type a pregnancy announcement on your smart phone before the pee stick even dries?  Do you pick up the phone and call all relevant family and friends?  Do you feel guilty because your mom, best friend and your online TTC support group knew before your dear sweet husband?

Once the cat is out of the bag and you make it "facebook official," you may encounter one little hurdle that you weren't anticipating.  While you are glowing and giddy at the realization that there is a teeny human growing inside of you, the rest of the world doesn't really care nearly as much as you do.  I mean, it is cool.  It is facinating!  It is a miracle!  But rumor has it, you aren't the first woman in the world to be pregnant and you won't be the last either. So now what?  How do you share all of the wonderous things happening in your body without making 225 of your former classmates, work pals, and random people you have friended over the last 10 years, completely insane?  Here are a few ideas:

1. Start a blog.  This is an excellent option since you can write as much or as little as you want.  Then, you can post a link to your blog post on your facebook page.  Talk about your girly bits, or other sensitive information?  Give Uncle Al a heads up.  Blogging gives people the option of reading the play by play.

2. Start a facebook group.  Using this approach, you can select your friends and family who you would like to be privy to your uterine status (i.e., leave Uncle Al out of this).  You can make posts as frequently as you want and group members can participate to whatever extent they are comfortable.  They can type a frowny face when you share that you lost your lunch again, they can squeal along with you as you pass your 3 hour glucose tolerance test, or they can read your posts when they choose to without being bombarded with baby updates in their news feed.

3. Join a buddy group of pregnant women.  You are sure to find others who are currently on a similar path that would be happy to trade pregnancy war stories, milestones, and OB appointment updates.  Not only with this save Bob, that guy that you still aren't sure how (or if) you know him, from reading about how gassy you have become.

4. Use common sense.  If the previous options aren't quite your style, then here's another option.  When you post a status on facebook, ask yourself a few things before you click on the post button.

Question: Does anyone really want/need to know this?  
Example#1: I totally sneezed and peed myself 3 times today. 
Example#2: Anyone have any fast remedies for constipation?  I've been in the crapper for 47 minutes and this shit won't budge.
Example#3: It feels like someone is knocking on my vagina.  Is this normal?

Still unclear?  Ask yourself what you would think if your mother posted this.  If you shudder, cringe, or throw up a little, backspace and walk away.  

Question: Does your status make pregnancy sound like a dreaded disease?
Example#1: I am so miserable I could scream.  But, I would have to take a nap to muster the strength for screaming.  Someone save me.  
Example#2: I wish I could eat like a normal person but everything makes me barf my brains out. If I lose anymore weight I don't know how I will keep these maternity jeans up. 

1 in 6 couples is infertile.  They read these posts and long for those aches and pains of pregnancy.  Along similar lines, 1 in 4 women will suffer the loss of a baby.  To talk about pregnancy like it is torture, isn't going to be well received by what is likely to be a silent group of fellow facebookers.  So try to skip the bitching whenever possible.     


Question: Would I post this if I wasn't pregnant?

 Example#1: I only woke up to pee twice last night.  It was a personal best!  
Example#2: I swear that if I have buy yet another bra in a larger size, I might have to buy a strapless dress even if it is just to show off my girls!
Example#3: I have only gained 20 pounds in the last 4 months!

If you wouldn't, then don't. This will help weed out the useless nonsense and pregnancy over-sharing.

Bottom line, my soon-to-be rotund friend, is that people are happy for you.  They truly are!  That is why when you post your announcement you will get a bajillion likes and comments.  You can expect another outpouring of love when you disclose the gender, if you are so inclined.  Then finally, on the day when your baby makes his or her debut, you will feel the love and support from all around the facebook-o-sphere.    Anything you post in the interim of those milestones will likely be received with an eye roll or an obligatory emoticon response.  Feel free to post whatever you want though.  It is your slice of facebook pie!  Mmmmm... I just said pie.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!  Enjoy every single second even if you are sucking on lemon candy, puking up what used to be your favorite dinner, and unable to sleep because of that life growing in your expanding belly.  It is an amazing experience!  Just not one that we, the facebook world, need to experience along with you. 

One of the strange things about trying to conceive is how it often feels like I am in some sort of time warped bubble.

I have a very normal cycle so I only have to wait about 12-14 days for ovulation.  Two weeks.  No big deal.  Then starts the two week wait which for me is closer to a 12 day wait to find out if I have to start all over again.  So, a total of 26 days.  That isn't a huge amount of time.  26 days is almost 4 weeks.   I know what you are thinking.  Whoa!  Check out her math skills.

Four weeks of a failed trying to conceive cycle means that someone that got pregnant last cycle, is now 8 weeks pregnant and likely heard a heartbeat.

Another failed cycle for me?  They are now celebrating the end of the grueling first trimester and enjoying a moment or two of relief.

Then 4 weeks later and another one lined test staring back at me, they are starting to stroke an emerging belly and eagerly anticipating those first kicks and rolls of baby.

I forge ahead and try try again.  No dice?  They are finding out the gender.

It really is simple math.  But why does this still feel so strange to me.  I think my brain wants the pregnant ladies should slow down their progress so that I can catch up.  While impossible, it would still make me feel better.

But in fairness, I should say that when I was pregnant, it was completely different.  I couldn't believe how long a week was.  Each week felt like a month.  Each day like a week.

I know I might be kind of babbling but I feel like the mother who looks at her child and wonders to herself, how on Earth did my kid start and finish high school.  Wasn't I just dropping him off at kindergarten?  But ask that same kid how long high school felt?  Forever.  It took forever.

I want to be in high school (minus the dramatic nonsense) is the bottom line.  I want my time to drag in anxious agony.  I want to cross each day off my calendar and smile because I am pregnant.

I should know if I get to watch time go in slow motion by Monday or Tuesday.  Keep the prayers and baby dust coming! 

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Ready?  Set.  Go!  Today is the first of the 30 Days of Giveaways!  Since most of us are either trying to conceive or pregnant, how about something for both!

Image from Amazon.com

This Boppy Pregnancy Wedge is perfect for those who have a growing belly as it is designed to be tucked under your growing bump for a bit of support.  No bump yet?  Is it just me or does it look like it is perfect for placing under your hips for after a bit of baby dancing?

 So... have at it ladies!

If you didn't get a chance to see the video I posted last night, take a couple of minutes to watch it now.  Then, go HERE and tell me what your words of wisdom are.  If you already shared advice that didn't fit into the video, you can use the same words of wisdom.  It can be funny, serious, thoughtful, silly... whatever as long as it is honest.   

As a girl with a long history of miscarriages, there is nothing better than being able to know that a pregnancy is heading in the right direction without leaving the comfort of my home.  This is especially the case in those first weeks before anything can be seen on an ultrasound.  Since I knew that hCG needs to double every 2-3 days I was able to monitor my hCG levels even after my doctor stopped following me with blood draws.

My first blood draw was 53.8 so two days later I knew that it should have been at about the 100 level so I used a Detect5 to see if that was in fact the case. 

What a relief!  The next morning my blood levels were 157!  Then just as a girl with a history of losses tends to do, I was over analyzing those two numbers.  Were they good enough.  They were normal but was it high enough?  What better way to confirm that things were fine?  A few days later, I used another Detect5!

Whoohoo!  My hCG was at least 500 so it was still doubling right on schedule!  It really put my mind at ease for another couple of days.

Being able to monitor those levels really helped me remain calm and reassured me that things were headed in the right direction.

Unfortunately, just having a pregnancy start out really well doesn't mean that it always ends with a baby.  After an abrupt loss of symptoms, spotting, and cramping, it was confirmed on Friday that I did miscarry.  Even so, I was happy to have a way to give me peace of mind in those early days.  I will absolutely use more of these tests with my next pregnancy!  I pray that next time, I get to see the lines all the way at 10,000 show up!

Yesterday I used my last First Response test in the house.  I have always given myself permission to feel a little more confident after the test line gets darker than the control.  As I watched this very thing happen yesterday I was slowly converting my ifs to whens.  I allowed myself to take a deep breath and embrace that I was going to have a baby in October.

yesterday afternoon's test

Today, started like any normal day.  Gavin climbed into our bed and wanted to watch an episode of Little Einsteins on Disney Junior.  I turned on the TV, covered him up, and decided to take advantage of Joey sleeping in a bit to steal a quick shower.  I even took 5 minutes to shave my legs.  We ate breakfast and started getting ready to get Gavin off to preschool.  I made a quick trip to the bathroom after getting dressed, wiped, and had no other word than "shit!"  Staring back at me on that toilet paper was blood.  Not a lot but for me, bleeding during early pregnancy has never ended good.

As I drove Gavin to school I noticed that I was feeling really crampy.  I have had some mild cramping since before my positive test but this is different.  I feel like Aunt Flo is about to come bursting through my front at any second.  The bleeding hasn't stopped.  The cramps are getting worse.  I know where this is heading.

Today's test.  It has dried a bit darker but still not as dark as yesterday's.

I am going to get blood work done in the morning and an ultrasound if the bleeding increases.

I know that I need to pray for God's will.  I know that no matter how this story ends, it is for a good reason.  It may make no sense to me now or ever, but somewhere in this universe my experience today is necessary in order to execute God's perfect plan. 

I am feeling pretty low with intermittent moments of fleeting hope.  I know it isn't over yet.  I know there is a small chance that I get to be a success story where spotting/bleeding turns out to be nothing at all.  My heart is telling me otherwise.

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What makes a woman who has been trying for 20 cycles finally get pregnant?  Who knows.  I hadn't spent much time using supplements, but when I had the opportunity to try some new things this cycle, I was all for it!

I had been having trouble the last several cycles with not having very good... ahem... CM at the right times.  If you aren't familiar with the abbreviation CM, it stands for cervical mu...mu.... muc...us.  While hard for me to say even in my head, it is something that women need in order to be fertile.  It gives the sperm a good medium and food source to hang out in until the egg pops out.  So, I decided it was a good time to use FertileCM, a supplement available at Fairhaven Health.

I took the supplement 3 times a day, as suggested and drank the recommended amount of water as well.  I could tell fairly quickly that it did seem to improve the quality and amount of CM I was producing!

Also, this cycle, Doug started taking FertilAid for Men 3 times a day.  The most noteworthy effect it seem to have was it seems to have increase his libido.  Several months ago he did have a semen analysis and his numbers were good, but it is possible that this supplement is what helped his swimmers meet my egg! 

Then, just because I had heard so much about people having success with using it, I finally decided it was time to try pre-seed.  It was actually not nearly as awkward or uncomfortable as I had imagined it would be.  I simply applied it prior to the night's events and viola!

So, do I know if one or all of these supplements were what did the trick?  No.  Will I recommend them to anyone who is having difficulty conceiving?  Without a doubt!

If you have any questions or want more detail about the supplements, my experience using them, etc. Please feel free to drop me a line or find me at my online group at ttccommunity.com by clicking HERE.

Disclaimer- I was provided the supplements at no cost, but this did, in no way, sway or change my opinion.  All comments and thoughts are my own! Also, I am not a doctor even if I would look really cute in a white coat.  I cannot give medical advice and you should consult with your doctor regarding any concerns or questions regarding supplements. 

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When most people get good news they celebrate.  I can't get myself to celebrate quite yet although I am feeling more hopeful than I have in the past.  I am envious of those who get to shout it from the rooftops and start planning.  I feel like I have to stay focused on today.  I should admit that I have let my mind wander and think momentarily about maternity swimwear *shudder* and harvesting food from the garden and canning with either a 9 month belly or a newborn and two rambunctious boys.  Then, I quickly snap back to today.  Just today.  I am pregnant today.

I will go tomorrow for a blood draw to see where my levels are and then go for a repeat on Thursday.  In the meantime, I have been using pregnancy tests to monitor how things are progressing.  On Saturday night, part of our date night festivities was buying some tests since we were at WalMart to buy some birthday presents for Gavin anyway!  So when I turned the corner to the pregnancy test, ovulation test, and other girlie things, isle I was in shock and awe when there were no First Response tests.  None.  Not a single box!  Is this some sort of pregnancy test Armageddon?  We left Walmart sans tests so we made a stop at our local grocery store.  I ran in, grabbed two boxes of tests (6 tests in all) and stepped into line.  When I put the boxed on the conveyor belt I couldn't help but watch the eyes of the maybe 19 year old cashier.  She smiled politely and if there was a thought bubble, it would have said, "Who in the world needs to know 6 times if they are pregnant or not?!"  I quickly took the bag from the 19 year old guy who had a similar thought I am sure, and was on my merry way.

So starting Sunday morning, the testing festivities have begun.  I will come back and update this post whenever I have a new test pic to add.  So, for your (my) obsessing and enjoyment, here are my First Response test progression thus far. 

11 DPO

12 DPO

13 DPO

14 DPO -beta hCG 53.8

17 DPO- beta hCG 157

And for those who like to see the cheapies:

17 DPO beta hCG 157

So far so good.  I started the Welcome Womb on 8 DPO just because so many things felt different.  I am taking 3 droppersful 2 times a day.  I have been putting it in a small amount of water and shooting it like whiskey.  Then, without breathing, I drink something else.  It can be water or juice and as long as I don't take a breath between drinks, I only taste the second drink.  This morning I tried it with coffee.  Not recommended since sipping a chaser isn't as effective.  Who knew my days at the bars would pay off when it came to pregnancy.  Please keep the prayers coming!

Now what?  Don't get me wrong, I am excited!  But I feel like I should be doing something.  Yesterday I spent my whole day hunched over pee sticks trying to catch them in the right light.  Today, it is there.  It is there, right?  I know it isn't dark, but it is a start.  I will probably take a test everyday for a while so I can see lines get darker.  Hopefully!

I haven't been in this position in so long I don't know how to react.  I don't have the immediate joy and excitement that first time moms get.  I am hopeful.  I am happy.  I am scared though too. 

Doug reminded me this morning that this baby isn't ours.  This baby belongs to God and that He will do with it as He wills.  I am thankful that today I get to carry this child.  I hope that tomorrow I get to carry it still, and that there are many more tomorrows after that. 

I am so thankful for all of your support and prayers and would appreciate if you would continue.  You know how people say that there is light at the end of the tunnel?   I feel like I have been waiting in a very long line to start  my way through that tunnel in hopes of seeing the light at the end of it.  Your prayers and support will help to light the way. 

The wait is actually over but I made 14 days worth of activities to do during my wait.  Today's activity is to watch a TV show or movie about birth or pregnancy.   I am going to be watching the movie The Business of Being Born.  I have heard so much about it and have always wanted to see it so what a great excuse to finally see it!

The past few weeks we have been working with Gavin on sharing, since Joey is now reaching the age of wanting to be involved in real play.  So in honor of Gavin learning to take tuns and share his things, I'm going to share a DVD of this movie with one of you!   A great item for any couple who is expecting to have a baby in a few months or a few years! 

Also to sweeten the pot just a little, I am also going to be giving away 1/3 ounce of essential oil, a jar with diffuser reeds, and the carrier oil from Chapter One Herbs!  A complete set for some aromatherapy!  Not only do essential oils help to freshen a room, it does so in a natural, chemical free, and healthy way.  Why spray toxins into the air when you can do without and see a real benefit from the wonderful aromas?  The winner will be able to choose either Lavender or Ylang Ylang.
Most people know that Lavender can help stress and anxiety, but did you know that it can help with easing menstrual cramps?  What about helping the respiratory tract when you are congested from the cold or flu?  It is even toted as being an antidepressant!  So, if another cycle of trying to conceive has you in the dumps or if merely the stress and anxiety of the holidays leaves you feeling frazzled, this would be a wonderful choice for you!

Ylang Ylang essential oil is a perfect addition to your bedroom.  If you are trying to conceive, or just looking to keep things lively in the bedroom, Ylang Ylang is a all natural aphrodisiac!  Put this oil in a reed diffuser on a night stand, add some lingerie and maybe some soft music... and let it work it's magic!  This is a great thing to keep in mind for Valentines Day as it is not a traditional gift but a great gift for lovers! 

Enter today and share with your friends! 

Originally posted on 1/9/11.  Reviving some of my earliest posts that I wrote when I had 5 followers and one was me.  I will be mixing in some new posts in the coming days so it won't all be re-runs.  :)   

I struggle with writing about my Recurrent Pregnancy Losses. Not because it is too hard to re-live but because it really seems like writing the same story over and over again, six different times. Sometimes I would start bleeding after a few days. Sometimes I would make it a couple of weeks. Inevitably they all had the same ending. Some were a bit more dramatic like starting to bleed on Christmas Day a mere hour or two after announcing the pregnancy to family. Aside from my first miscarriage, my most mind blowing loss was the result of a doctors awful bedside manner.

I had been seeing a new doctor, a Reproductive Endocrinologist, named Dr. Mooney. My first appointment with Dr. Mooney was a memorable one. It was my first ever appointment with a doctor of any kind where I wasn't in a cold sterile room dressed in a flimsy paper sheet and an embarrassed smile since every time I would move it sounded like I was opening a Snickers bar. I was taken to an office. A real office with a desk, chairs, diplomas, and family pictures. I had always spent my time before an appointment wondering if my but crack was visible since I could never sufficiently cover both my front and my backside with the paper sheet. This time, I sat in a comfortable chair looking at pictures of my doctor with his family rather than a poster about menopause or how the uterus works. Dr. Mooney was a young guy, friendly, with a dry sense of humor. Just my kind of guy. I really had all my money riding on this guy. After a lot of talk I left with no answers but I did have hope. We had a plan for my next pregnancy.

A few weeks later, another positive test. I called the doctor and came in right away for the blood tests. I started twice daily injections of Lovenox as well as daily progesterone suppositories. I was thoroughly convinced that the Lovenox was my golden ticket to a take home baby. My HCG was rising. It wasn't doubling at quite the rate that would make most women convinced but it was adequate enough that the office scheduled my first ultrasound for 6.5 weeks. I was happy.

About a week later I noticed that I was losing my symptoms of pregnancy. Against better judgment, I took a pregnancy test and the pink line, while still there, was much lighter than it should have been at that point of pregnancy. In tears, I called the office and told them what was going on and they wanted me to come in right away for an ultrasound so they could see what was going on. Dr. Mooney was at their office in Columbus so I was going to have to see another doctor in the practice. I didn't mind. I just wanted to be, hopefully, reassured that my home pregnancy test was a fluke and that all was well.

I had to take Gavin with me all the way to the Akron office but the nurses told me ahead of time that it would be no problem to have him with me. They even, on the phone, offered to watch him while I was scanned. Once I arrived I was sent to a nicely decorated ultrasound room but no one was around or offered to take Gavin so I figured he could just sit with me in the room. I undressed and waited. After what seemed like an eternity, a man walked into the room. He grabbed the wand for the internal ultrasound and had it halfway inside of me before he introduced himself and shook my hand. That was likely the most awkward handshake I have ever had. Up until he told me who he was, I could have been being prodded by a janitor for all I knew. After about 45 seconds of looking around he removed the wand, stood up, walked to the door, and placed his hand on the knob. Looking in my general direction he said, "There is no sac in the uterus. Follow up with Dr. Mooney tomorrow to rule out ectopic pregnancy." He then made another movement as if to open the door to leave. I tried as hard as I could to contain my emotions. It was mostly for Gavin's sake who was sitting in his stroller in the corner of the room clueless, but also because I was so angry at this man I didn't want him to see me lose it. I tried to choke down the tears but as I took a deep breath I made that shaky inhale sound that clearly tells everyone within earshot that I was about to sob. He looked back over his shoulder and paused long enough to grab a tissue box, hand it to me, and pat me on the shoulder twice. Then he walked out of the room. Gee, thanks.

I sat in the room for a few minutes regaining what composure I could then walked out of the room down the hall to where they do the blood tests. The nurse there was very nice and gave Gavin a sticker (which he actually didn't want anything to do with) then to schedule with a another woman for a follow up appointment with Dr. Mooney. Whatever that horrible doctor's name was, Dr. Maybeajanitor perhaps, ought to be thankful for his very kind staff. Otherwise, I may never have set foot in that office again.

The pregnancy wasn't ectopic and Dr. Mooney was so much kinder and gentler with me. I did miscarry and the bleeding started moments after this appointment. I went home very seriously contemplating if I could even travel this road again. I was really at a turning point where I had to chose if I could handle another miscarriage or if maybe God's plan had Gavin as my only biological child.

I hadn't made up my mind but I started collecting information on adoption agencies.

Doug had his liver biopsy done today at the hospital. We were aware that the whole procedure was going to take the better part of a day so I was packed up and ready to run errands (sans kids) and maybe do a little blogging at a Starbucks like those trendy people I always walk past and look at longingly. Sadly, due to some really bad storms I ended up cutting my list of things to do short. I went to wait out the storm at my dad's pharmacy, ended up helping out for a while, then headed to the mall. I then decided to pick up some Starbucks-to-go and head back to the hospital to wait for Doug to be finished. On my adventure, alone with my thoughts, I learned a few things and I thought I would share them with you.

1. I learned that going to an ultrasound guided biopsy means waiting in a cramped waiting area with women waiting to learn the gender of their babies. I also learned that when I walked past a woman in the hallway headed to the gift shop while obviously waiting for contractions to pick up, I would get choked up.
   
2. I learned that there is no way to gracefully run through a rainstorm, in flip-flops.
   
3. I learned that I must have looked like I needed kind words. A parking attendant called me "Darlin'" as I left the garage and a salesman at the mall called me "Sweetie" about half a dozen times. I was starting to feel like a really cute puppy.
   
4. I learned that being cheerful in the hospital is contagious too. I made an effort to make people smile without being annoying (a talent I like to think I am quite skilled at). I succeeded almost every time. Well, I succeeded every time if you count having the 60 year old man in the wheelchair inviting me to sit on his lap while riding the elevator. I cheerfully declined at the exact moment his wife smacked him on the shoulder as she pushed his chair out of the elevator doors. That made me smile.
   
5. I learned that giving up caffeine and then having a Venti Caramel Macchiato makes me feel CRAZY! Also, I learned that drinking something that has CM written on the side makes me giggle and gag a little at the same time. (For those who don't chart or aren't familiar with the acronym CM, in the trying to conceive world it stands for Cervical Mucous.)

Don't forget to enter to win the pregnancy test giveaway! Entries will be taken until noon (EST) Wednesday.



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Today, Gavin, Joey and I decided to get out of the house for a play date with some same age cousins. It is actually a beautiful day today with blue skies and a crisp yet warm spring air. As I was driving and enjoying the scenery with periodic interruptions of a fuss from Joey or Gavin pointing out a digger or tow truck, I was amazed at the number of birds that seemed to be flying directly into the path of the truck. I certainly didn't want to hit them but swerving to avoid a 45 mile and hour dive bomb from a bird... well... that just isn't rational. So, much like I imagine other drivers do, I would hold my breath and squint my eyes in an effort to minimize my exposure to what would be certain death of a bird. In between squinting and coaching a bird to speed up or slow down to avoid vehicular manslaughter, I was daydreaming about taking another pregnancy test when I came home. It was then that those two thoughts merged and brought back this vivid memory from a couple of years ago.

On a day much like today, I was standing staring at a positive pregnancy test. I was looking at it in every light analyzing the undeniable pink line. I was hesitant to fall in love with any two lined test given my history. I had called the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to inform them of the pregnancy and start confirming with blood tests and start the heparin injections. I was feeling better about the pregnancy since I had not tried the injections of blood thinners and had read about how they were the secret to many many others who had suffered from recurrent losses. I allowed myself to dream. Just a little. Then, a couple of weeks later I noticed that my symptoms seemed to have decreased over the previous couple of days and to ease my mind I decided to take another pregnancy test. I was sure that seeing two dark pink lines would enable me to relax and enjoy the few days I had left before my viability ultrasound.

The test results threw me into a tailspin. The line was light. Really light. I know that so many people will assure you that it doesn't matter how dark the line is and that a line is a line is a line. Well, the squinty pink line in conjunction with my loss of pregnancy symptoms, was cause for a panic. I decided that I need to step away since Gavin was watching me look at a stick I had peed on, and cry, and look at the test, poke myself in the boob to confirm that they weren't sore, and cry again. So I turned on an episode of Little Einsteins, and stepped out the back door to compose myself.

I was standing out on the back steps, now looking at my squinty pink line in the direct sun light when something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. Before I could even identify what it was, a bird had flown about 6 inches from my shoulder and directly into a window about 3 feet from me. It hit the window so hard that the window actually sounded like a deep church bell. The window was still quietly ringing as I watched the bird fall in front of my feet. I watched it's little chest rise and fall once. Then twice. Then it stopped. It died right there in front of me.
With as sad as that is, I actually chuckled as I said, "THAT can not be a good sign for me!" My miscarriage was confirmed the next day.

I managed to make it to our play date and home without killing a single bird. Now if only I could get a positive pregnancy test I would be feeling pretty good. Today is 10 days past ovulation and I have one pink line staring back at me. I am going to look at that as being halfway there. Maybe the other line will join the party tomorrow.



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I am going to give this a shot today since I feel like I need an opportunity to pour my heart out.

I am sitting here waiting for each day to pass to determine what my mood is going to be. I already know that, even if I try really really hard to stay positive, if I end up with a negative pregnancy test this month, I am going to be heartbroken. Every month without a pregnancy is hard but this month is different. Due to the medications Doug needs to take to get better, his fertility is going to significantly diminished. Everything I have read says that it is highly unlikely that we will conceive while he is on the medication. Since his treatment is going to last anywhere from 2-3 years, I can't help but feel like my dreams of a large family are being threatened. I will be 35 this summer and time isn't exactly on our side in that regard, not to mention that Doug is already in his 40's. I love my boys and I can't think of anything better for them than to have more siblings to grow up with, play with, learn from, and share with.

This is really hard for me to write about since I really don't want Doug to feel like he needs to focus on anything other than his health. He is my priority. His healthy is most important to me. But, I would be lying if I said that I am not devastated to learn that pregnancy may not be a part of our lives for 3 years. I am trying really hard to remind myself that God has a plan but right now, I am feeling like this plan really sucks. I have a few more days before I can rule out a pregnancy for this month so I am praying that we timed thing right and that this really low point for both of us can turn into a wonderful blessing while Doug heals.

Today I am 8 days past ovulation (for those of you following my TTC journey). I will keep you posted in the coming days as to those results.

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I have watched the show, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, a number of different times. I know I am not alone in the shock and awe that I have when I watch woman after woman tell their stories of having no clue that they were pregnant. I know that if women have an irregular cycle they might not suspect that they were late. I know that some women have periodic episodes of bleeding or spotting during pregnancy. But, really?! Nine months of no clue that there was a human growing inside of your womb?!

I blame this stupid TV show for my delusional thinking. Almost every cycle, when I see my temperature drop indicating that my period will be showing up, I ditch the thermometer for a while. There is no need for me to wake up every morning at the same time to take my temperature to remind me that I am just sitting around waiting to ovulate. Then, I wonder... Maybe I am one of those women. Maybe I really am pregnant! I have even been know to use a pregnancy test after my period, just to make sure. Because, really, if you really think about it, you can feel pregnancy symptoms no matter where you are in your cycle. Needless to say, about 12 seconds after using a test, I think about how ridiculous I am.

I love pregnancy too much to wish that I could not know I was pregnant for 9 months but I would love to not know I was pregnant for a few months. I would love to find out after the first trimester. Then, for me, I could feel like I was out of the woods. I could just sit back and enjoy the fun parts of pregnancy. But, sadly, this will never happen.

I love what charting has taught me. I love that since finding Taking Charge of Your Fertility, I have a much better idea as to what is happening inside of my body. I enjoy having a little understanding of the miraculous things God created our bodies to do. But, on the flip side, I will never not know these things. I will never be able to just let things happen. I will always know in the back of my mind, temperatures or no temperatures, if and when I have ovulated. I will know when I am fertile. I will know when I am not. And, the most difficult for me right now is that I will always know when I am not pregnant.

Again, I love what I know, but I am a bit envious of women who are blissfully unaware. I just feel like knowing one's fertility is like riding a bike. I know it and will never be able to forget.

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When I was growing up, I was what many people would call spoiled. Not so much with my mother, but my father had a really hard time saying no. As a matter of fact, he still does. Gavin has learned this at an earlier age than even I did. Either that, or my dad has actually gotten softer. It is hard for me to believe that is possible. If I wanted something, anything, I would always ask my dad.

"I don't want to clean my room before I go over to Jen's house to play. I promise to clean it when I come back." My dad would try to stick to his guns and say, "Your mom told you you had to clean your room before you went anywhere." Then I would inevitably play the card that all girls have at one point or another. Turn on the tears.

"But Daaaaaad... " would precede any somewhat relevant explanation of why THAT simply wouldn't work for my schedule or meet my needs. I would beg. I would sob. I would plead. Promise. Cry more. And then after a few minutes of this song and dance I would be skipping off to Jen's house. I was a master of my craft.

Maybe this is why I am having such a hard time with yet another month passing without a baby on board. I have always been able to get what I want without too much effort. A little crying. I little begging. A couple of promises later I get what I want. But when it comes to God, that isn't the way things work.

Unlike my father who only wanted to see me happy, God wants what is good, right, and perfect for His plan. As I sit and await the arrival of my monthly visitor, I remind myself that God is only going to give me what I need. That doesn't mean that I won't cry. It doesn't mean that I won't mourn the loss of another opportunity to experience pregnancy. It doesn't mean that I won't get pangs of jealousy when others around me announce pregnancies. It certainly doesn't mean that I won't turn into an emotional mess when I live vicariously through a stranger on a TV show giving birth. It just means that I obviously didn't really need to be pregnant right now.

It is tough to be a grown-up and know the difference between what I want and what I need. Today, I decided that since God knows that I don't yet need to be pregnant then I must need to do something else. Perhaps it is that sink full of dishes.

Every month I find myself wishing time to pass just a little bit faster just so that I can find out if I am going to see two pink lines. This cycle is no different. I am trying so hard to not let everything consume my every thought but it is so hard to get my head somewhere else. So, today, I am going to write down a list of things to do to pass the time.

• Blog. You might be hearing a bit more from me over the coming days (if the boys allow me to).
  
• Pick colors to paint the stairwell and upstairs hallway. I like a pretty shade of green. Everyone else likes beige. Ugg. How boring is that?
• Plan a trip to see one of my very dearest friends. She is one of those people who despite how much time passes, how much life passes, and how busy we become that we can always pick up right where we left off. Love Ya!
  
• Lose 3 pounds. Note to self- Stop buying those delicious little chocolate chunk cookies from the bakery.
• Ignore any pinching, pulling, tugs, cramps, etc. that may originate from my uterine area.
  
• Stay away from websites that sell any trying to conceive paraphernalia (even if it is dirt cheap tests).
  
• Do not chart my "Two Week Wait" symptoms on any chart, spreadsheet, or other tracking device.
  
• Only look at my cycle chart once a day. Okay. Twice. Sometimes I forget what it looked like by noon.
  
• Make a public statement (perhaps on my blog) that I will not test until after I am late for my period. Oh. Who am I kidding? THAT will never happen.
  
• Pray and thank God for all of the blessings I already have.

Is it next week yet? I guess I need to work on a longer list.