Prayer is so important.  One of the things I have struggled with from the time I was a young girl is praying.  I mean, how do I talk to God?  I have always been taught my manners and showing respect to my elders, teachers, and authorities.  I often get tongue tied when I try to pray.  This is what my prayers often sound like in my head.

Dear God... wait.. is Dear God the start of a letter to God or a prayer?  Um... God.  That isn't any better.  I'm just going to go with Dear God.  Dear God, I want You to ... what I want is not always what I need... I want your will to be done in the lives of person X, Y, and Z but I am really hoping that it is your will to bless them with item A, B, or C.  And, then, if it is in Your will, wow... I feel like I am giving God a to-do list.  What should I really be praying for anyway?  I'm just going to skip to thanking Him for all of the wonderful things he has already blessed me with.  Thank you for my wonderful family, our health, and having food, drink and shelter.  Amen.

So today I am going to pray everything I want to pray for and recognize that God hears my edits so I may as well just talk to God and trust that He knows my intent and my desires. 

Thank you, God, for all of the wonderful gifts you have given me and my family.  I am so thankful for our health, the love that we share, the support that we give, and the lives that we live.  I know I need to do a better job of doing Your will and sharing my faith in You.  I really struggle with being a spoiled child and wanting what I want without regard for Your plan.  It isn't very Christlike for me to be like this.  I am sorry.

Since You are always with me, You know how much I want another child to come and join our family.  I feel confident that You will bless me with another child when Your timing is perfect.  I pray that You continue to help me find patience and understanding when Your plan doesn't make sense to me.  When I watch people experience such sadness and loss, I seek to better understand You and lean on You.   I need Your continued guidance and no matter how spoiled I act sometimes, I do know that Your will is what I need.  You have proven to me time and time again how Your plan is perfect and for this I thank You.  I am very much looking forward to seeing what You have planned for me next!  Amen

How do you pray?  Do you just let it all out there and speak your mind or do you try to me more organized?  If you have a link about prayer feel free to link it up below or simply share your thoughts in the comments section below. 



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Blame it on hormones. Blame it on just being a girl. Blame it on the fact that I am a big ol' cry baby from a long line of big 'ol cry babies. But, I have just been on the verge of tears for about a week now. Last night, as I was just doing a bit of catching up on facebook, I happened to notice on my side bar a friend suggestion. It was of a friend from high school who, while we never connected on facebook, I would consider a friend. Not that I need to justify but I was a very shy girl in school and, while most people that know me now would find this next to impossible to believe, I was as timid as they come 20 years ago. On facebook, for whatever reason, when it comes to my former classmates, I revert back to my introverted, timid, and painfully shy former self. So, it is rare for me to actually do the friend request. Maybe just still afraid of rejection. I digress.

Several months ago I had received word through the facebook grapevine that Lisa was losing her battle with cancer and probably wouldn't make it much longer. I didn't even know that she had cancer. It all sort of came as a shock as she isn't the "type" if there is one that would get suddenly stricken with a incurable disease which would swoop in, and take her life. Then, a week or so later her sister sent out to all of her friends that was passed on to me through a mutual friend. Lisa had passed away. It tears me up to even think about that letter. To hear that she had 3 young children just seems to be that much more gut wrenching. The youngest is close to the same age as my Gavin. I couldn't fathom saying goodbye to my children. Not just for a childless lunch with a friend. Not just a short vacation with Doug. But a goodbye forever. Just breaks my heart to think about it.

What I find to be the most touching was how her sister described that she had a unshakable faith in God. That she made her peace with God and was ready to meet Him. I cant help but cry as I type those words. Here I am frustrated about not getting pregnant with baby number three. I wonder why some oversexed, unwed, teenager gets to feel a baby kicking her and I am trying to remember what it felt like when Joey kicked my from the inside. Then, I wonder if that distant memory will be the last time I will have that feeling. In the grand scheme of things, I have been so very blessed. It really puts things into perspective. If the worst thing in my life is dealing with infertility and miscarriages... well... I'll take it. If that is what God has in store for me then there is good in all of it.

I am sure my friend's life had a huge impact on all that she knew. But, maybe just a teeny tiny part of His plan for her was so that I sat here today, with a tear stained face and got these words out into the world. Maybe one of you reading this will take a moment to re-evaluate how there is good in everything no matter how hard you cry. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how angry it makes you. God's plan is complex, complicated, but absolutely perfect. If my friend could see this then I should too.

Thank you, God, for the years that you shared Lisa with us. Without her saying a word to me since my last days of high school, she changed my life forever. Thank you for putting her in your plan for me. I pray that her faith serves as a continued inspiration for myself and inspires others to seek You out, especially when we are feeling cheated out of our worldly wishes. Please continue to guide me toward Your will, and lend me strength and patience when I run short. Amen.

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Every month I find myself wishing time to pass just a little bit faster just so that I can find out if I am going to see two pink lines. This cycle is no different. I am trying so hard to not let everything consume my every thought but it is so hard to get my head somewhere else. So, today, I am going to write down a list of things to do to pass the time.

• Blog. You might be hearing a bit more from me over the coming days (if the boys allow me to).
  
• Pick colors to paint the stairwell and upstairs hallway. I like a pretty shade of green. Everyone else likes beige. Ugg. How boring is that?
• Plan a trip to see one of my very dearest friends. She is one of those people who despite how much time passes, how much life passes, and how busy we become that we can always pick up right where we left off. Love Ya!
  
• Lose 3 pounds. Note to self- Stop buying those delicious little chocolate chunk cookies from the bakery.
• Ignore any pinching, pulling, tugs, cramps, etc. that may originate from my uterine area.
  
• Stay away from websites that sell any trying to conceive paraphernalia (even if it is dirt cheap tests).
  
• Do not chart my "Two Week Wait" symptoms on any chart, spreadsheet, or other tracking device.
  
• Only look at my cycle chart once a day. Okay. Twice. Sometimes I forget what it looked like by noon.
  
• Make a public statement (perhaps on my blog) that I will not test until after I am late for my period. Oh. Who am I kidding? THAT will never happen.
  
• Pray and thank God for all of the blessings I already have.

Is it next week yet? I guess I need to work on a longer list.

One of the most frequent things I get asked or see women asking about on various message boards "I am not sure I could go through this again. How do I try again after a loss." I am sure that every woman who has had a loss would have a different answer since everyone deals with things differently. But, I can share how I managed to fall down 6 times and get back up 6 times.

• I had to choose what would be more painful, another loss or never having another baby.
  

That was a tough one for me. After the first few losses, I flirted with the idea of adoption but ultimately knew in my heart that I was willing to try almost anything to feel a baby kick in my tummy again. I knew how painful loss was but I knew that the joy of a child would far outweigh my hurt.

• I made a plan.

I had to have a plan for each cycle. Since I managed to fall pregnant so frequently (never longer than 4 months) I would try various supplements, fertility aids, vitamins, etc. It made me feel like I was at least trying to do something different. I thought that if I used different "tricks" then I would get different results. I also liked to know what my doctor was prepared to do as soon as I had my positive pregnancy test in hand. It helped me to feel more empowered to know, proactively, what the plan would be.

• I prayed.

I learned that asking God to let me stay pregnant wasn't working. Begging for a pregnancy test line to be darker or asking for my beta hcg numbers to be doubling weren't the right requests. I learned that I had to pray for God's will. I prayed that if it was God's will for me to stay pregnant that is what I very much desired. If it wasn't in His will, I prayed that God would hold me close and guide me through loss. I prayed for understanding and peace with whatever He had planned for me.

• I counted my blessings.

I knew that I had so much to be thankful for. The fact that I had my son, Gavin, was such a blessing to me. My losses helped me to appreciate what a miracle he really is. I really learned how lucky I was to have such a supportive husband who, while he grieved differently, always let me grieve in whatever way I needed to. I knew that if I was going to miscarry again that God had blessed me with a wonderful man who would love me through it all.

• I let God decide.

Quit or keep trying? God knows what we should do. If I ever really found myself wondering if I was strong enough to go through another loss, I asked Him. Thankfully God made me strong enough to go through 6 losses. Now, I find myself wondering if I am strong enough to handle any more losses. I hope I don't have to find out.

With the recent disaster in Japan, I have been reminded of something that I often wonder about. Why is it that when there is a tragedy, be it a natural disaster, a horrible accident, or maybe the events that transpired on 9/11/2001, there is always an outpouring of prayers? People aren't afraid to speak openly about praying to God for the victims, the survivors, and anyone affected by these happenings. But talking about Christianity without a tragedy is for crazy religious whack jobs. No one wants to acknowledge the existence of God (at least publicly) unless there is a shield of some difficult to understand event.

Lets say, for instance, we are standing on a street corner and we look up just in time to see a man on a motorcycle get hit at a high rate of speed by a semi truck. I am sure I am not alone in thinking that the first words to leave my mouth would be "Oh My God!" Then, others who witnessed the scene, would gather and watch in disbelief. If someone in that group of onlookers suggested that we bow our heads and pray for the man on the motorcycle, I don' think that anyone would disagree with the idea.

Now, lets just suppose the same scenario takes place minus the motorcycle and minus the semi truck. Now it is just a group of people standing together. Someone suggests saying a prayer. I can imagine there would be looks of confusion. Why would we just pray for no reason? No one is sick or dying that we know of. Right?

I know it is totally unrealistic to think that people would just stop on the street and start praying for each other. But I think it is worth asking ourselves why we don't. I think so many of us have been trained by main stream media to think that the majority of people do not believe in God and to openly suggest that we do might offend someone. I think we should be proud enough of our faith in God to pray openly without a tragedy in our midst. Our prayers shouldn't be reserved for asking God for a huge, huge favor when we really need something. We should be thanking God every day for everything he has blessed us with.

One year for Christmas, all I wanted was a Cabbage Patch Kid. They had come out with a new version that had corn silk hair instead of the string yarn hair that was useless when it came to brushing or styling. After all, isn't that what most girls want to do with a doll. Comb its hair? I went to the local mall with my parents and climbed into the big burly man's lap and looked him in the eye.

"I want a corn silk Cabbage Patch Kid, " I said, making sure that his eyes told me he was familiar with the doll. I left the mall feeling pretty confident that Santa was going to make good on his end of the bargain.

When Christmas morning finally arrived I ran down the stairs eying all of the wrapped packages on the floor. I knew the shape of the doll box quite well and wasn't able to scout it out. I had that nervous excitement pouring over every inch of me as I eagerly anticipated finding the box amidst the heaps of gifts. Even though I couldn't see it right away, I knew it was there. It was under something or behind something. Or, maybe Santa hid it somewhere special as a big surprise at the end.

I opened all of my gifts and while they were nice, they weren't nice enough to make me forget about my Cabbage Patch kid with the corn silk hair. After the last gift had been handed to my brother and we watched him open it, I waited.

I waited to hear my parents say, "Oops! We almost forgot! Santa left a special gift in the (insert whatever plausible room here) for you Maria!" But as the wrapping paper was all balled up and thrown away and my brother was busy playing with his toys, I realized, there was no doll. Santa knew that was what I wanted. I made it very clear to him. Why would he do this to me? And then it all came into focus. He couldn't really exist because if he did, he would never disappoint me like this. It was then obvious. Santa was a big fat hoax.

It is no wonder there are so many people who say that they don't believe in God. For whatever reason, adults find it necessary to tell children about how God is good and does good things to those who believe in Him. If you ask God for something and pray about it, God will give you what you ask for. Maybe adults still believe this because that is what they were told by their parents. But this is like telling the fairy tale version of the Bible and skipping the part with the villain because it might be too scary for young ears. Then when those children grow up and ask God for something and they don't get it, well, the only rational conclusion is that he isn't real.

I took this from a comment on a friends blog:

But for some to preach that there is an all-knowing, all-powerful merciful entity that pulls the strings of every single thing that happens to every human being, every moment of every day, is ludicrous. Perhaps creation was the brain child of some superior being, but I cannot believe that an all-knowing, entity does not know that 250,000 men, women & children will be killed by a tsunami that could have been stopped with the wave of an all-powerful, merciful hand. And, to award the saving of a single life to the entity that could have prevented the entire disaster is ridiculous.

By this thought process, one would then assume that in our world there would be no sickness, death, crime, pain, suffering, loss, etc. Just because God can do something doesn't mean that he will. Everything does happen for a reason and the Bible talks about what happens to us if we sin. We, every last one of us, are sinners. We knowingly sin against God and the price we pay is a tsunami that kills 250,000 men, women, and children. The Bible doesn't hide the reality of this. For some reason, we like to hide behind the cloak of God being Santa Claus and then when we are hurting and God doesn't take all of our pains away we feel like we have been duped just like when we realized that Santa isn't real.

I think we, as adults, parents, grandparents, and friends need to share the truth about God. The good, the bad, and the sometime hard to stomach truth about God. We can and should pray to God for His will. His will should be what we desire. We can ask for patience, understanding, and peace for when we don't understand His plan for us. I don't want my children to grow up feeling like God owes them something. God created us. He gave us life. We will always be indebted to Him.