Blame it on hormones. Blame it on just being a girl. Blame it on the fact that I am a big ol' cry baby from a long line of big 'ol cry babies. But, I have just been on the verge of tears for about a week now. Last night, as I was just doing a bit of catching up on facebook, I happened to notice on my side bar a friend suggestion. It was of a friend from high school who, while we never connected on facebook, I would consider a friend. Not that I need to justify but I was a very shy girl in school and, while most people that know me now would find this next to impossible to believe, I was as timid as they come 20 years ago. On facebook, for whatever reason, when it comes to my former classmates, I revert back to my introverted, timid, and painfully shy former self. So, it is rare for me to actually do the friend request. Maybe just still afraid of rejection. I digress.

Several months ago I had received word through the facebook grapevine that Lisa was losing her battle with cancer and probably wouldn't make it much longer. I didn't even know that she had cancer. It all sort of came as a shock as she isn't the "type" if there is one that would get suddenly stricken with a incurable disease which would swoop in, and take her life. Then, a week or so later her sister sent out to all of her friends that was passed on to me through a mutual friend. Lisa had passed away. It tears me up to even think about that letter. To hear that she had 3 young children just seems to be that much more gut wrenching. The youngest is close to the same age as my Gavin. I couldn't fathom saying goodbye to my children. Not just for a childless lunch with a friend. Not just a short vacation with Doug. But a goodbye forever. Just breaks my heart to think about it.

What I find to be the most touching was how her sister described that she had a unshakable faith in God. That she made her peace with God and was ready to meet Him. I cant help but cry as I type those words. Here I am frustrated about not getting pregnant with baby number three. I wonder why some oversexed, unwed, teenager gets to feel a baby kicking her and I am trying to remember what it felt like when Joey kicked my from the inside. Then, I wonder if that distant memory will be the last time I will have that feeling. In the grand scheme of things, I have been so very blessed. It really puts things into perspective. If the worst thing in my life is dealing with infertility and miscarriages... well... I'll take it. If that is what God has in store for me then there is good in all of it.

I am sure my friend's life had a huge impact on all that she knew. But, maybe just a teeny tiny part of His plan for her was so that I sat here today, with a tear stained face and got these words out into the world. Maybe one of you reading this will take a moment to re-evaluate how there is good in everything no matter how hard you cry. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how angry it makes you. God's plan is complex, complicated, but absolutely perfect. If my friend could see this then I should too.

Thank you, God, for the years that you shared Lisa with us. Without her saying a word to me since my last days of high school, she changed my life forever. Thank you for putting her in your plan for me. I pray that her faith serves as a continued inspiration for myself and inspires others to seek You out, especially when we are feeling cheated out of our worldly wishes. Please continue to guide me toward Your will, and lend me strength and patience when I run short. Amen.

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I have probably touched on this before but I happen to think that have inherited the longevity gene. I have lived 34 years of life, almost 35, and have only been to 2 funerals. Each was for a grandparent. I have never had to deal with an instance of a young, healthy, surprise passing of a friend or relative. I haven't even had a relative pass away of an illness. I do have an aunt with advanced cancer who is in her late 50s but she has been doing chemo treatments and seems to be doing quite well. So, with all of this being my experience it is so hard for me to fathom the fact that today, for any number of reasons, might be my last day on Earth.

On Saturday evening, Doug and I were getting ready for our date night. We were getting the boys packed up to go to "Nana" and "Papo's" house for the evening. As I was doing a last minute diaper change, I started feeling a stabbing pain in the top left side of my head. It wasn't so painful that I did much more than put my hand to my head and wonder, "What in the world is this?" I don't get headaches unless I have skipped my morning coffee so a strange pain, unlike any other headache I have ever had, made me think.

Everyone has at least heard a tragic story of a healthy person just dying. I am not a hypochondriac. Aside from my recurrent miscarriages, I am probably one of the healthiest people I know. No allergies, no broken bones, no diseases, you get the point. But a moment or two after the first onset of the sharp pain in my head I thought to myself, "What if this is it? Maybe I am going to fall over dead from a brain aneurysm." I wasn't kidding either. I had a moment where I thought that I could possibly be experiencing my last moments of life.

I really was amazed, and rather impressed if I do say so myself, that my first thoughts weren't of sadness. I thought of God. I thought to myself that while I am far from being free of sin, I have faith that death is the start of something very beautiful. A journey to eternity. I thought that if it was God's will for that day to be my last then, since there was nothing I would be able to do about it, I should be excited about the next chapter.

A few minutes later the stabbing pain subsided and I continued packing the kids up and deciding what I would order for dinner at the new restaurant we were going to. I didn't mention my little "episode" to Doug that night. It was almost like it was a personal moment between God and I and I wasn't eager to share it. Then Easter morning we were off on another adventure.

I was getting ready for church and Doug was entertaining the boys. Doug put Joey down and told me that he was in pain. He went upstairs and I could hear him moaning and groaning in obvious pain. I know that Doug will argue with me about this when her reads this post but... Doug (and all guys, I think) can be a bit dramatic when they aren't feeling well. It is like they have a pass on being manly and can turn into big 'ol babies when they don't feel well. So, I didn't race up there right away. Then I heard heaving and moaning and groaning. Then, I thought that I should probably see what the problem was. He was clutching his stomach and chest and said he was in terrible pain. He was sweaty and there were tears in his eyes. I asked him if he thought we should go to the Emergency Room. This is when I thought, if he is just being dramatic, he'll pass on the ER and opt for some wifely attention. When, without hesitation, he said 'yes' to the ER I knew that he was really really in pain.

My parents came to pick up the boys. This is one of those times where it is great to have parents living on the same property. Withing 5 minutes the boys were picked up and we were in the truck and on the way to the ER. But, before my parents were able to leave with the boys, Doug insisted on kissing them goodbye. Without him explaining anything to me, I knew that he was concerned for his health and thought that maybe these were his last moments. Doug's story ended just as uneventfully as mine did. The only difference is that his is going to get billed to us in a few weeks as very expensive gas pain.

I don't mean this to be a depressing "we are going to die" post but I do think it is important to live each day as if it is our last. I think a lot of young healthy people think that they have plenty of time to fix things between them and God. They will get to church when the kids are older and won't interrupt service. They will read the Bible when they have more time. They will think of eternity when they are laying on their death bed and ask God for forgiveness for all of their sins. We could leave this world in a flash. With no warning. Maybe today is a good day to think about God and where we stand with Him.

I have an aunt that used to drive me crazy. She insisted on hugs and kisses every time we said goodbye. Every time. Even if we were all leaving one place and all going to be meeting at a second place. I would always try to give a wave with a general, "See ya!" Never worked. She would, without warning, be planting a kiss, complete with a sticky lipstick print, and giving a full frontal tight hug. I would be saying to myself, "You have got to be kidding me. I am going to see you again in no more than 30 minutes! Is this really necessary?!"

After a visit to Grandma today, the goodbye routine sort of made sense. After visiting for about an hour, Gavin was showing signs that he was ready to go. Joey was getting fussy probably because of being hungry and the fact that the old people like to keep the thermostat set at 74 and then have the fireplace going on top of that. So, I packed up the boys' toys and things and reminded Gavin to give Grandma hugs and kisses. Then I did the same. I told her I loved her. I have noticed that in the last few months I have been saying it a little differently. Not just the typical, "I love you." I make eye contact and say the words with emphasis so that I hope she hears in my voice just how much I do love her. Then I picked up my stuff and headed out to the cool breathable air. As I walk to my car I force myself to think that there is a possibility that I just told Grandma goodbye for the last time. I am not trying to be morbid. Just honest. She is 98 years old and while one tends to think that people die after a battle with an illness or during a hospital stay, it is most likely that Grandma will pass away in her sleep. It could happen today. Next week. Maybe next year. Or maybe she will be around for another few years. But, just in case, I need to make sure I tell her how much I love her.

The truth is, just because she is 98 does put her at a higher risk of passing away before the next time I see her but any one of us could be living our last day. I am going to try to be more like my aunt. I don't know if this is why she insists on the hugs and kisses at every parting but it's not a bad thing to do. God may call us or a loved one home at any moment. I want to do my best to make sure that everyone knows how much I love them. It might be my last opportunity.