Originally posted  7/18/11
One of the toughest things to manage is hearing someone else announce a pregnancy when dealing with your own loss(es) or infertility. Whether it is a unexpected announcement or learning that your friend who was trying had success, it always stings. Their words are, "Guess what?! We are pregnant! Due in March!" The words you hear in your head are, "Oh God, no! Here it comes. Come on fake smile. Go away hormonal tear in the corner of my eye! Oh crap. They are pregnant. Wow. It took them what 2 months?! The next 9 months are going to suck. Suck. Really. Bad." It is one thing to hear someones news of pregnancy on Facebook where you can block them from your news feed for the next 10 months, but what happens when it is someone you will be seeing on a routine basis, talking on the phone with, or forced to share a workspace with?

So after contemplating finding a new job, faking a highly contagious illness that could harm any fetus within a 3 mile radius, and relocating to a remote corner of the world, you realize that the only way to get through this is going to be to fake it as best you can. You know you will cry in the car on the way home, for 6 minutes after you are off the phone, or to the one close friend who knows your journey and can understand your pain. There is one other option. Maybe helping them understand your feelings will help everyone co-exist during a pregnancy. This is my attempt to explain how I feel.


Dear Pregnant Lady,

I want to say that I am happy for you that you are growing a baby in your belly. It is an amazing journey. One that I have been wanting for myself. I want to be happy for you, but right now I am just sad that it isn't me. I want to say congratulations. I do. But the words are getting caught up in my throat because my emotional tears are stronger than my ability to speak.

I am anticipating how you will be going through some incredible and miraculous changes and the only miraculous changes I seem to be able to have my body do is digest lunch and deliver a poop semi regularly. I know that in a few more weeks you will be feeling the first kicks and while I am sure you will be surprised and excited to share that special moment with everyone, please don't offer to let me feel it. It will only remind me of what I am not feeling inside of my own stomach.

When you are making your invite list for your baby shower, include me in it. But, please don't be offended if I don't come. I may manage to come and oooh and aaah at all of the cute outfits, but I may also bring a little bit of jealousy. I may need to escape to a bathroom and claim to be having digestive issues. I won't be pooping. I'll be crying and likely changing my tampon.

You might want to share some words of encouragement about a friend, aunt, or sister who struggled and then had their happy healthy baby. I know you mean well, but I just wish that I could be on this pregnancy journey right now too. No matter how many millions of other women who struggled to get pregnant or stay pregnant and then had success, it still doesn't put a baby in my womb today, like you have.

I want you to know that my seeming disinterest in your pregnancy isn't because I don't care about you. It is because I do care about you. I am just trying to cope the only way I can, and don't want you to feel anything but joyous and happy in your pregnancy.

My feelings may change at some point in the future. Probably at about the exact moment that I have two pink lines and a heartbeat to go along with it, but for now, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers as mine will be with you and your baby on the way as well.

Sincerely,
My Empty Uterus

Blame it on hormones. Blame it on just being a girl. Blame it on the fact that I am a big ol' cry baby from a long line of big 'ol cry babies. But, I have just been on the verge of tears for about a week now. Last night, as I was just doing a bit of catching up on facebook, I happened to notice on my side bar a friend suggestion. It was of a friend from high school who, while we never connected on facebook, I would consider a friend. Not that I need to justify but I was a very shy girl in school and, while most people that know me now would find this next to impossible to believe, I was as timid as they come 20 years ago. On facebook, for whatever reason, when it comes to my former classmates, I revert back to my introverted, timid, and painfully shy former self. So, it is rare for me to actually do the friend request. Maybe just still afraid of rejection. I digress.

Several months ago I had received word through the facebook grapevine that Lisa was losing her battle with cancer and probably wouldn't make it much longer. I didn't even know that she had cancer. It all sort of came as a shock as she isn't the "type" if there is one that would get suddenly stricken with a incurable disease which would swoop in, and take her life. Then, a week or so later her sister sent out to all of her friends that was passed on to me through a mutual friend. Lisa had passed away. It tears me up to even think about that letter. To hear that she had 3 young children just seems to be that much more gut wrenching. The youngest is close to the same age as my Gavin. I couldn't fathom saying goodbye to my children. Not just for a childless lunch with a friend. Not just a short vacation with Doug. But a goodbye forever. Just breaks my heart to think about it.

What I find to be the most touching was how her sister described that she had a unshakable faith in God. That she made her peace with God and was ready to meet Him. I cant help but cry as I type those words. Here I am frustrated about not getting pregnant with baby number three. I wonder why some oversexed, unwed, teenager gets to feel a baby kicking her and I am trying to remember what it felt like when Joey kicked my from the inside. Then, I wonder if that distant memory will be the last time I will have that feeling. In the grand scheme of things, I have been so very blessed. It really puts things into perspective. If the worst thing in my life is dealing with infertility and miscarriages... well... I'll take it. If that is what God has in store for me then there is good in all of it.

I am sure my friend's life had a huge impact on all that she knew. But, maybe just a teeny tiny part of His plan for her was so that I sat here today, with a tear stained face and got these words out into the world. Maybe one of you reading this will take a moment to re-evaluate how there is good in everything no matter how hard you cry. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how angry it makes you. God's plan is complex, complicated, but absolutely perfect. If my friend could see this then I should too.

Thank you, God, for the years that you shared Lisa with us. Without her saying a word to me since my last days of high school, she changed my life forever. Thank you for putting her in your plan for me. I pray that her faith serves as a continued inspiration for myself and inspires others to seek You out, especially when we are feeling cheated out of our worldly wishes. Please continue to guide me toward Your will, and lend me strength and patience when I run short. Amen.

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When I was pregnant with Gavin I kept the pregnancy a secret for all of about 3 weeks. Then the news started trickling out to some of my work friends, then family, then some extended family. I figured that anyone that I hadn't told would find out from word of mouth since one of the perks of a loud Italian family is that word travels fast! Apparently everyone knew the good news except for one person. No one bothered to share the news with a cousin of mine. She was never able to have children of her own and, understandably, struggled with pregnancy news or baby talk. So, none of her immediate family members chose to offer up the heartbreaking news about the "baby cousin" (me) being pregnant. While that made life easier for her family temporarily, it didn't make life any easier for either of us.

It was an October bonfire and impromptu family get-together. I greeted family with waves and hugs as always and then I saw Tracy. She looked at me, down at my belly, then back at me. She uttered what I am sure were the only words she could think to say as she was unexpectedly dealing with the Miscarriage and Infertility Phenomenon. She said, "Well, I see you didn't wait long." with obvious disdain in her voice. "How did I not know this?" I was pretty irritated with her sisters and parents for not sharing the news with her in a private way. We were both blind-sided.

I was trying my best to keep the conversation short and sweet so that we could put it behind us and go on to enjoy the get together. "Well, I am not getting any younger so..." As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I wanted to crawl into a hole. I probably couldn't have chosen worse words to explain my pregnancy to a woman 10 years my senior. Turning away from me she made a pained comment about her age, and that was the end of the conversation. While I was so sorry for the situation, I didn't know the pain that she was feeling until after my losses. It was like a light switch was turned on. "OH! So THAT is why my pregnancy bothered her so much!" If only life had a do over button.

Luckily for me, I had an opportunity to redeem myself. When I was pregnant with Joey, and had confirmed the heartbeat at 6 weeks. This was a major milestone I had not passed since Gavin. I decided to send Tracy an e-mail. I shared with her my history of losses and apologized for how things went between us during my pregnancy with Gavin. I told her that I knew that news of pregnancy isn't always happy news to everyone and that I wanted her to have time to process my news before the rest of the world knew. She was the only person outside of my immediate family that had the news and it would stay that way until the end of the first trimester.

We exchanged a few e-mails where we talked about our very different, yet very painful roads. A couple of weeks later she sent me a St. Girard medal along with a booklet of prayers. I wore the medal through my pregnancy and felt like Tracy and I had really bonded though the following months. We asked her and her husband to be Joseph's God parents as I knew that if I wanted anyone to help me raise my child to know God, it would be her and her husband. I think that anyone who can stay faithful to Him during the emotional, and quite honestly brutal, road of infertility then they mush have unshakable faith.

So, if you have news of pregnancy to break to someone dealing with infertility, please do it gently. Don't expect hugs and happiness to ensue. Don't think that they should be "over" the fact that they can't or haven't yet had children. Give them time to process and grieve their un-pregnant situation. Chances are that they will eventually thank you for your thoughtfulness, and you just might form a very unique and strong relationship as Tracy and I have.

There is a phenomenon that, unless you have had a miscarriage or deal with infertility, you will never be aware of. A woman can go years and manage to see only a handful of pregnant women. Many of those pregnant women are probably on television shows or celebrity gossip magazines. But, if a woman is suffering with infertility, has a miscarriage or has multiple miscarriages, pregnant women start materializing before our very eyes. A simple trip to the grocery store can become a gut wrenching adventure full of pregnant teenagers and women dripping with children and sporting very round expectant bellies. Going to the mall is no longer a search for the most flattering outfit. It is a nightmare of ladies about to drop and give birth at your feet as they walk out of Baby Gap holding 3 bags full of adorable onsies and itty bitty tennis shoes.

Then there seems to be the sudden outbreak of co-workers or family members who have surprise pregnancies. They are the ones who claim they weren't trying or better yet, they were "on the pill" and really can't afford another child. Then they sit and complain about morning sickness, needing to pee all the time, and back pain from their growing bellies.

Facebook friends are another breed of anxiety inducing people who in most cases are just glorified strangers. All of the sudden every person that you ever went to high school with is expecting a baby. People that you barely knew, way back when, are posting ultrasound pictures and belly pictures. Just when you think every possible person on the planet who is of child bearing age has announced their pregnancy then the birth announcements come flooding in.

And just when you think it can't get any worse the phone rings. Your best friend in the whole world calls with that telltale shrill and giddy voice. Then, your voice begins to quiver as you try to say how happy you are for her. That feeling of your heart sitting so low in your stomach that you might either have to poop it out or throw it up. You want so much to share her excitement but all you can do is say congratulations and fake it through a few more sentences before making up some very valid sounding excuse to get off the phone. It is only a matter of seconds before the fake smile washes from your face by a waterfall of tears.

It is so hard to have a miscarriage or deal with infertility and then when "The Phenomenon" is shoveled into your face it is almost unbearable. This is how I finally decided to cope. When I came across a glowing pregnant woman in the grocery store or mall, I just reminded myself that I don't know her journey. She may have had 6 miscarriages too. She may have had to try for 3 years for that pregnancy. Not that I would ever wish a loss or infertility on anyone, but it somehow made me feel better to think she had "earned" that belly. She deserved that baby as much as I deserved one.

If it was a unwed teenager or someone who wasn't in a place to take care of a child I just had to remind myself that God sent them that child for a reason. Maybe that kid would save my child's life by donating an organ or becoming the doctor who cures cancer. While I very much wish that God would have put a baby in my belly or let me keep the one that had been there, there is not a finite number of babies. It isn't like God is going to run out just because someone else happened to get in line in front of me.

I think it is totally normal to be jealous, hurt, sad, and sometimes even crushed to know of others' good fortune (even if they themselves don't see it as good fortune at the time). I recall once hearing that the odds of getting "your baby" is something like 1 in 66 billion. When I look at my sons, I know that they were worth waiting for that 1 in 66 billion lottery ticket even if it meant dealing with The Miscarriage and Infertility Phenomenon.





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