Oh, how I long for the days when having my period meant nothing other than refraining from wearing white pants. Not that I would ever wear white pants because if black is slimming then white must be fattening and I certainly don't need that! In those days, my menstrual cycle was defined as the four days where I was a little uncomfortable and had to make more trips to the bathroom. Maybe an occasional Women's Tylenol to knock out some cramps but that was it. Then, about four weeks later the cycles started again. Big deal. Now that I willingly passed through that revolving door of trying to conceive, my cycles are very much the same but my mental cycles are much different.

It starts with the lowest low of the mental cycle. The devastation of another cycle that didn't end after a 10 month hiatus and a baby in my arms. Then, as if the heartbreak isn't bad enough, cramps make me want to lay in bead and do nothing. Well, nothing but think about how much I wish I would have been pregnant. Then the hormonal headaches set in. Oh. Gee, thanks. But shortly after the worst part is over, that is when I do a little emotional eating. Chocolate always makes me feel better. Since I have to go to the store to get some chocolate, I may as well pick up some cheese sticks, chocolate chip cookies, ice cream, chips and dip, hmmmm, am I forgetting anything? Oh, yeah. How about a two-liter of Coke to wash it all down. While I am feeling better about another cycles in the can, I now feel crappy since I have probably gained a couple of pounds in a matter of a week. Time for a new attitude.

As week two is approaching I feel good. I am thinking positively. I have my plan, my strategy, my new lease on life. I spend a lot of time day dreaming about due dates and maternity clothes. I think about all of the milestones I will pass and what time of year they will be. As I am in my fertile period, I am really hopeful. We are going to hit this one out of the park. I just know it.

Ofter ovulation is the peak of my mental cycle. To me it feels a lot like walking out of a classroom and into the sunshine after taking a really hard test and thinking I aced it. If I didn't ace it, then I feel confident that I had studied hard and did the best I could. Now I just wait for the Teacher to grade my work. Life kind of sails along for a while. I feel good.

Then, the crazy obsession begins. The temperatures that really don't mean anything are what I live for each day. I can't wait to go to bed at night so that I can see what my temperature is going to be the next day. Every day is full of opportunities to wonder if what I just felt was an early pregnancy symptom, PMS, or just a random bodily issue. As I approach the time where I can begin testing, I start to have doubts. Why should this cycle be any different? Why should this one end better than the last one? Just in case, I decide to look up when I should ovulate next time and what that due date would be.

Let the testing begin! I am very envious of ladies who can sit back and wait for their period to be late. I've tried. Doesn't work for me. It reminds me of when I used to be a smoker and try to quit. I would do well for a while and then it was like something took over my body and drove my car to a gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes and lit one up before I even realized what happened. Same thing happens except the pack that I pick up is at a different store and I pee on them instead of light them. Even though I know I am testing early and don't expect a line to show up that early, I still get disappointed. I tell myself that it is too early and no big deal but after 2 or 3 days of this self talk, I start to ignore me. What do I know? Who am I to tell me to stay positive? Then, I remind myself of the cycles I got negative tests until 12 dpo (days past ovulation) or 13 dpo. This works for another couple of days. The schizophrenic conversation continues until my temperature drops and I can rest assured that my period will be starting again. On to the next cycle.

Today I am starting the testing phase of the cycle and so hopeful. I have been having all sorts of "symptoms" that can be explained away but I am really enjoying daydreaming about them for now. I have been praying a lot asking Him to help me to be patient and that if it is in His will, I would loved to be blessed again with another healthy baby. I welcome any prayers and if you would like for me to say a similar prayer for you please let me know. Strength in numbers, right?

I think it is funny how whenever I am trying to get pregnant my mind plays these crazy games. There is a website, www.countdowntopregnancy.com, that enables women to track their pregnancy (or possible pregnancy symptoms) from ovulation to their positive test. While this is a great deal of obsessive style fun, I have to think it is pretty comical. Some of the funnier ones are diarrhea, gas, and fatigue. Don't get me wrong. I am always tuned into my body waiting for any sign or symptom that I might get the two pink lines at the end of the month but, really? Gas, the runs, and being tired? Isn't this symptoms of eating really greasy pizza and chasing after a 3 year old and a 7 month old?

With Gavin the only symptom I has was that I had one teeny spot of blood when I wiped. I was not due for my period for at least 5 more days and history told me that when my period came, she showed up in full force. Spotting had not been a part of my vocabulary. So, at that moment, I knew that it was likely implantation spotting. Then the next night I was laying in bed and all of the sudden I realized that I could smell the air freshener in the bathroom. I couldn't just smell it, I could almost taste it.

When I was trying for my second child I payed a lot of attention to every twinge, pull, cramp, ache, pain, well.. you get the point. I was obsessed. I would check the site to see if it was a good sign. I would see how many other women reported the "symptom" and either become just a bit more hopeful or swear that I was just noticing something that most women wouldn't notice. The truth is, it is all just ridiculous. I had restless leg syndrome a few nights before my positive home pregnancy test. I had extreme thirst before another. I had cramping before, yet another. While this sounds like I had pregnancy symptoms, I failed to mention all of the pregnancy symptoms I had only to be greeted by my period knocking down my door. I had cramps, extreme thirst for nothing but water, gas, diarrhea, back pain, cramps, metallic taste in my mouth, again, you get the point.

Better yet, these are some of the symptoms on the list of "Most Common Early Pregnancy symptoms."

Acne breakout....................................Decrease in Acne
Dry mouth...........................................Increase in saliva
Fatigue.................................................Restlessness

With these being symptoms, it is no wonder I swear I am pregnant every month! Even right this minute I am thinking about how thirsty I am but noticing how I have a lot of saliva. I am exhausted but probably couldn't sleep. Is that a zit? Maybe. Don't I usually have more zits that that?

I would love to hold an unscientific experiment. I would like to ask women who haven't ovulated yet and tell them that there is a possibility that they are pregnant. Then, give them a list of the 60 most common symptoms of pregnancy and have them record which ones they feel for two weeks. Something tells me that most of these women will write down about 20 symptoms. Even before they have ovulated. Of course, I will never be able to run this experiment but I challenge myself each month to do just this so that I can recognize how silly I am being when I think I must be pregnant because I farted 3 times on a Tuesday while thinking about salt and vinegar potato chips.

I really hope that I can get pregnant (and stay pregnant) so that I don't have to go through this waiting and wondering torture for very long. I must admit that since I have started this blog, I have managed to be much less obsessed with trying to get pregnant and staring at my chart waiting for it to telling me the future. But with that all said, I am going to go to countdown to pregnancy and see what symptoms are the most reported for 4 days past ovulation. Oh... the games my mind likes to play.