Yesterday I was hopeful.  I had a light line on my pregnancy test and I thought for sure that 13 days after my trigger shot there would be NO WAY that could be the trigger still.  Joke was on me.  My temperature is climbing back down toward the coverline on my chart, two negative tests, and the cramps setting in first thing this morning well... there is no denying where this is headed. 

Last night I took a nice hot bath.  It was nice but I mentioned to Doug that one day I would love to have big, deep tub where I could soak comfortably.  His eye roll suggested that he was annoyed at my comment.  I asked him why and and he explained that there are so many expensive things on "the list" like needing a minivan.  I couldn't help but break down and cry. 

"It isn't like we have any kids on the way so we don't need a new car."

I stood at the sink crying silent tears as I finished washing dishes. 

I don't know why I was feeling so sure this cycle.  I don't know why I thought this was going to be a start instead of another end.  I know that God will bless me with another eventually I just need to be patient and thankful that he knows what is best for me and when it will be best for me.  I won't lie and say I haven't already calculated what my due date would be if I get pregnant next cycle.  I have and it has given me a little bit of a smile on this dismal and PMS filled day.  If I get pregnant this cycle I will be due just before my beloved grandmother's 100th birthday.  I would love, more than anything, to be due at such an important time as the matriarch of the family's century mark.  I can think of nothing more special. 

So as I wait for the impending visit from that wretched Aunt that just can't seem to get off the invite list, I am planning for next cycle.  The wonderful people from Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com will be sending me an OvaCue fertility monitor so that I can optimize my chances this cycle!  I will also be using their supplement called FertileCM and Doug will be taking FertileAid for Men.  Maybe this will be our winning combination! 

On a completely unrelated note: A friend of mine from what seems like a lifetime ago, gave birth to the most amazing, sweet, and handsome little man 8 weeks ago.  He has Down's Syndrome and is in heart failure and will be getting open heart surgery any day now.  Please keep Baby C. in your prayers for a quick and full recovery! 

Last night I was making a quick run to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for a pumpkin bread recipe that I am making for Gavin's preschool class.  It was rainy, cold, close to bed time for the boys, and in order to save time, I had Joey, Doug and my dad waiting in the car.  Gavin insisted on coming with me.  So we raced up and down isles grabbing the few things we needed from the shelves.  Gavin was doing a good job keeping up with my hurried pace.  Then, we scooted ourselves into the shortest line at the checkout.  We loaded our things onto the belt as the woman ahead of us finished paying.  A total of about 25 second may have passed since we arrived in the line.  Gavin, at a clearly audible level, asks:

"Why is this taking SO LONG?!"  

I quickly answered him, at a level equally as audible, "We just got into line. It will be our turn soon!"  My cheeks were a little pink as the woman ahead of us and the cashier both smiled at me.  We paid for our things and quickly shuffled back out to the car. 

Not a very climactic story, I know.  But, it gets better...

Last night, Doug had to catch a 6:30 am flight out of an airport over an hour drive from home.  That meant he had to wake up at 3:00 am!  I don't know if it was my anxiety over making sure he woke up on time or if it was my second serving of caffeine at dinner, but I couldn't sleep.  As I tossed and turned, God decided to send me a message.

I was taken back to my experience at the grocery store and this time when I visualized the events, I was the child.  I turned to God and asked, "Why is this taking SO LONG?!"   God smiled at me and said, "You just got in line.  It will be your turn soon."

I am only 9 days past ovulation and far from "out" but feeling very similar to how I felt last month at this point and we all know how that ended up.  Nada.  But, we are talking and praying about if we might be ready to try Clomid next cycle.  As always, your thoughts, comments, and prayers are welcomed and always appreciated. 


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In order to get caught up we have to flash back to Easter Sunday. I mentioned what happened to Doug on this day in the post called "Checking Out". In case you didn't read that post, here is the abridged version. We were dressed and ready for church and about 10 minutes away from piling everyone into the car. Doug clutches at his midsection and tells me that he has to go to the bathroom. He dashes up the stairs and I hear moaning and groaning and after a few minutes I went to check on him and he was in obvious pain. I had assumed it was gas and thought that it would pass. No pun intended. We ended up at the Emergency Room and, of course, by the time he was undressed and in a bed, it was gone. After of hours of waiting for the doctor to release him we went home to eat.

Then came Mother's Day. We spent the morning at a landscaping place picking out pretty flower baskets and fruit trees to plant in the back yard. Doug and Gavin spent the afternoon planting and watering the trees on one of the few sunny days we have had in the last 3 weeks. The next day Doug wasn't feeling well and stayed home from work. We both sort of figured that it had to do with working out in the sun mixed with the fact that if Doug was any more pasty white he would glow in the dark so he ended up with pretty bad sunburn. As a quick side note- we buy sunblock in bulk (not joking) for him and the kids. Why he chose not to use any is beyond me. He spend the day lounging in bed and resting up.

All seemed to be okay in the following days except that he complained of nausea. It wasn't really constant. It came in waves. His apatite had decreased as a result. He continued to complain on occasion of just not feeling great but, to be honest, it just sounded like stress from work, and just spreading himself too thin. Then, about a week and a half ago he decided to call the doctor. She prescribed something (I think it was Prevacid or something similar) and told him to call if he didn't feel better in a week.

Doug's nausea and fatigue gradually turned into more nausea and fatigue. Appointment were scheduled. Blood tests were taken. Now we were waiting. Last night at dinner, I caught a glimpse of his sad eyes. But to my surprise they weren't just sad eyes. His eyes were yellow. Jaundice. After two babies who both dealt with this at birth, the thought of dealing with this with an adult never occurred to me. Since I wasn't sure what to think I googled the crap out of his symptoms and what we had learned thus far from his few doctor appointments.

Tomorrow is the appointment that should hopefully answer all of our questions and hopefully point him on the road to health. It is obviously linked to his liver, hence the jaundice, but we have no idea if it is something easy to resolve, like gall stones, or if it is something much worse. The possibilities range from a virus to liver cancer.

So anyway, here I sit. I am worried. I am scared. I hate seeing my sweet husband so sad, sick, and tired. I hate feeling so out of control. I hate not having answers. I never thought that I would find a worse "Two Week Wait" than waiting to find out if I was pregnant. These past weeks have been excruciating. Please pray for Doug's health and pray that I can be a good wife who can ask the right questions, advocate for him with the doctors, and make sure my husband gets everything he needs. I will update when I have more information. Thank you!


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