Tweet

Tweet

How to know if my friend is pregnant? my friend is sorta worried that she is pregnant possibly 2 or 3 weeks she said she had sex with her boyfriend twice a two weeks ago and he didnt ***, last weekend they had sex and when he pulled out and made it up to her face he cummed...but she is on birth control and she had a tiny bladder problem and she has dirreha so whats wrong

 First lets start with the fact that I have no idea what the relevance of him doing his thing on your friends face is.  That is just gross.  Second, try not to make fun of your friend's tiny bladder.  Bullying hurts.   


 

How can I tell my boyfriend I stopped taking my birth control? ? I'm tired of taking them, we had sex already but I haven't told him I stopped taking them. He's going too think I'm doing it on purpose that's why I haven't told him.. HELP..

You have a couple of choices.  You can either say, "Guess what?!  Your a daddy!" or you could say something like, "Hey, sweetie! Condoms or fatherhood?  You choose."  Good luck with that. 

Will i possibly get pregnant? Me and my boyfriend had sex yesterday, (monday). and we used a condom , but it kept coming off,so when we finished..he looked on his penis and didnt see it. And i pulled it out, so it was off the whole time we were having sex. I dont know if im pregnant yet i havent checked. So is it a possibility?

While I enjoyed participating in your little scavenger hunt for the missing condom, you could have just written, "I had unprotected sex.  Am I pregnant?"  So my follow up questions would be, are you unmarried?  Under the age of 18?   Making "plenty of money by babysitting?"   If yes to any of these then, yes, you are probably pregnant. 

 Had sex on ovulation day a week befor my period and im having craping?????

I have to recommend trying a gluten free diet.  I used to have a lot of crapping too.  It sucks.

Pregnancy test question?

so i took a pregnancy test this morning, I am 8 days late for my period and the pregnancy test said negative after 10 seconds.. I moved the pregnancy stick around will this affect my results if i moved it around instead of laying it flat on the table?

Thanks

Take it from an expert: You can hold onto a test, do the cha cha, carry it with you as you put away laundry, and put it in your car as you take a trip to the grocery store.  You can even throw that son of a bitch in the trash can, go have a martini, come back 2 hours later dig it out (or pick it off of the top where you layed it strategically so that you could look at it again later) and it will still be mocking your efforts to get pregnant.  Or maybe that is just me. 

I started my period may 1st thru the 6th. I had sex from may 3rd to the 7th. I no its early for pregnancy an I kno its early for ovulation, but I have been having wayyyy more discharge then usual. Its pure white, creamy an there's so much I can feel it leaking out. I no that's it can't be pregnancy so what do u think?

You had sex for 5 days straight?!  I hope you were drinking Gatorade and took a break for a granola bar or something.  Sheesh.  Do you think that 120 hours of intercourse may have something to do with all of that discharge?

What makes or sperm stay in longer ? Is there pills that make stay longer in ?

Installing a disco ball that hangs from your cervix and offering cocktails (no pun inten... no wait... pun totally intended) might get them to stay for a little longer.  As far as pills... I don't know about you but I could go for a Valium. 

Ive Ben haveing in protected sex whit my hubby I'm in my husbens account since about a week he dose not ejaculat in side sorry TMI he pulls out I'm wating for my period in 3 days is there a chance I can be Pregnet I have that pink pad app and it says my flowers was blooming on 1st 2ed 3rd 4th so I dnt think I was ovulating HELP Lastnight me and my husband had unprotected sex and he came in me. Can i still get pregnant if i started my period like right after? We have one son and we're not ready for the second one yet, should i get the day after pill or am i fine?

I'm confused.  Because you husband doesn't ejaculate inside of you you are using his account?  But the best part is that you said that your "flowers was blooming".  I don't know what that means but it makes me laugh!

How do I know if my sperm is any good?

When I pull milk out of the fridge and I am not sure if it is any good, I sniff it.  

 Am i PREGNANT or not ? plzzzzz help me :(? ok i know my date for periods is far away , (22,23 may ) but 2 days b4 yesterday , i vomit twice, im feeling very weak and have alot of headache til now, and yesterday i waz feeling pain in stomach. im really afraid im a pregnent ? :( i cant even tell my mom or any 1 ...plz help me wot to do !!! i cant do home pregnancy test or any thing like dat ... and its about 10 days in my periods date... im dying for dem ...i dnt knw i will spent this 10 days :'(

 i had sex about 1 or 2 week ago....he used condem but some times he rub penis on me....im worried abt dat :(

Wait.  So what you are saying is that you think you are pregnant from your boyfriend rubbing his penis on you.  Unless by "on you" you mean "on or near the entrance of your uterus" you aren't pregnant.  In the future can you ask your boyfriend not to rub his penis on you.  I mean, really, it is kinda creepy. 

Now check out part 1, 2 , 3 , 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8!

Tweet

These are all questions about trying to conceive posed in the last week.  I did not edit them at all.  I didn't want to insult the integrity of their questions.

How do you have sex .and have a baby? Stuck i aint a clue HELP!! im not still sure as where the penis have to go up the women so they can produce a baby, i never used to pay attention at school as i always used to get kicked out the class and couldnt be there to learn. i dont know nothing about sex please explain to me or post me any link that you may know about how to have a baby.. conceving until actual birth please help im really stuck.. ! Thankyou.. also if you havent got anything good to say dont bother answering as i need to know and please dont make stupid comments. ! in skool they showed a video but i didnt watch itas i wasnt in school on that day so i need to find a video that explains 

Sad thing is that you don't even know where to put "it" and will probably probably be a baby daddy by the end of the month.  Start with her ear...

How open the closed mouth of cervix to enter the sperm?

My partner and I wondering where we can fine a surrogate mother to have our baby? I have MS going through treatment at the moment just don't think I can go through being pregnant, my partner and I wanna find a surrogate mother who can help us :) we both can give our sperm. Please help us we want this so badly, we both want this badly we will always be there for the surrogate mother no matter what!!

If you can both give sperm then I should tell you that it isn't your MS that will prevent you from being able to tolerate pregnancy.  Perhaps the fact that you lack a uterus is more of a concern.  

 Why have i been gassy these last two days? I have been burping and farting a lot! like every 5 mins. It doesnt stink. but its really annoying. My period isnt due till may 6th. 

How long does sperm live for? I recently got a hand job by my gf and she got none on her pants or anywhere near her vagina but she got some on her hand but wiped it off but how long does it stay and what if she accidently touches her vagina after like 5 minutues like if she is itchy or something someone clarify plz 

I am more concerned about the fact that she might "accidentally" reach inside of her pants and her underwear and scratch her vagina with her dirty hand.  You have yourself quite the classy lady.

My ex is trying to get people preggy help?!? Well first of, I misscarried his child and he was gonna have a baby boy with this other chick he's been seeing and they were happy. together and now they broke up and. left her for another girl I was devastated i know how weird that must sounds but, it's true and now he's going out with this "other girl" and trying to get her preggy and it sucks becuz he's been playing us and I want to tell him something straight up his face but, idk how to help?

For the love of bologna, please do not say "preggy" ever again.  Ever.  

 my bf thinks its so hott when he c*** in a condom and then squeeze it inside me. We dont care If we get preg.  But i was wondering what are the chances of me getting preg if he does this? Cause i thought that once air hits the *** it dont work or something like that lol. So yeah let me know..... I am way out of HS, its just a freaky thing my BF likes after sex that turns him on. We have tried for a baby but its hard for us to get preg. So thats why we dont care if we get preg. We have the money for the baby. I am well old enough to have achild was just wondering if there was a chance

Maybe the reason it is hard for you to get pregnant is because he likes to wear a condom and play with the goods before he lets it get a chance to get where it needs to be.  Just sayin'.



Now check out part 1, 2 , 3 , 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8

Tweet

 These are all questions about trying to conceive posed in the last week.  I did not edit them at all.  I didn't want to insult the integrity of their questions.

Can I Fail A Drug Test By Having Sex The Night Before?

when i look at my eghhhm eghhhmmm, you know, down there.. i can see my vagina (LOL) what i mean is i can see a black small whole opening up...is this always visible if i stretch out my legs and relax or is it only when you ovulate? i know that when someone ovulates, their cervix is more lower and open...or something like that? can you please explain it to me more because i am very confused..and how the heck can i see my cervix to see if im ovulating or not?! it's too deep in there!

Are you asking if your vagina is only visible when you ovulate?  Where do you think it would go the rest of the month?  Plus, does your vagina really make you laugh out loud? 

 If I take mines and my lesbian partner eggs out in combine it with sperm will the the baby be biological ours?

I mostly want to know how you plan on harvesting you and your partner's eggs.  You are aware that women can't squeeze out eggs and you can't exactly reach up there and pluck them out either, right?  

 When it comes to conception, does the size of the penis matter? Does it take longer to conceive? Does it matter??

 If a woman has a bigger butt, will she have an easier time sitting? 

Is it true that sperm needs to get a ride onto the cervix? Also can you wash off sperm with soap and water?  MEANING. You can only get pregnant if something goes inside of you containing sperm (his private part, finger, ect.) Just asking because that's what i heard. For instance, if he ejaculates onto your butt, it's not going to swim into your uterus.

Thanks for that visual.  Seriously.  Forever burned into my brain.     

Why is it that my husband sperm comes out of my Virginia the way it is?  Any time we make love, i notice that the sperm usually comes out the way it is from m Virgina, what is the probability of getting pregnant

 You are probably just fine but if it starts leaking form your West Virginia... then you have an issue. 
 

Im trying to get pregnant, whats a method that will for sure work?

Now check out part 1, 2 , 3 , 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8

Tweet

Tweet

These are all questions about trying to conceive posed in the last week.  I did not edit them at all.  I didn't want to insult the integrity of their questions.The good things about these posts is that it seems I will never run out of material.   In fact, it seems to get easier every time!

Tweet

Am I pregnant or bladder infection? i been having sex with ,my Bf with and without protection. March 2 we did it nonstop 3 times without condom. when he would *** he would clean it fast with a piece of cloth then put it back again. That day i was wearing a thong (just for the occacion cus i dont wear those) well after having sex i didnt go home, so i had the thong for 8 hours and it was uncomfortable. Then Sunday March 4 when i had sex with him it was hurting BADLY!!!!! Monday i was itching, i didnt pay much attention cus i shaved my vagina when having sex...

Stop right there!  You shave when having sex?!  Not only is that dangerous, it is incredibly distracting when you are reaching for shaving creams and waving that razor around!  Please try to finish your personal grooming before having intercourse.

ive been having sex a lot this week, im on birth control and i forgot about the time change, could i be prego?

 I understand being late for church or work one day, but it has been two weeks!  No one told her? 

Can you get pregnant when you ovulate?

At first, I wanted to say, "Duh!" but then a bunch of people had beaten me to it.  Then, check out this response. 

~ First of all, You guys are all a bunch of bitches. Leave this poor girl alone. I study this stuff and Even I forgot. Wtf, Don't pick on her just because she doesn't know, Thats why she ******* asked this question!  No honey. You can't.

HaHaHaHa!




I can't believe they are so calm when her nipples are peeling off.  I am kind of gagging and freaking out for her friend.  Tape those suckers back on and get thee to a doctor, STAT!

My period is 9 days late and i have ALL the symptoms in the book, and now a new one. GREEN POOP. its been green and soft for a few days now and im still getting negative test. i dont think this is some freak occurance lol. im just wondering why my test isnt positive. im waiting until my NEXT period is due and the day that i am late for that one, im going to the doctors for a blood test. :)

Never in all of my years of trying to conceive did I ever hear of green poop as a sign of pregnancy!  Armed with this new information, I am going to eat nothing but Boo Berry Crunch cereal for my next two week wait!

Did he come inside me? My husband and i had sex last night and i'm unusually wet so i can't tell if he comes or not. But, last night I felt him go really deep inside, then i felt his penis pulsating, then he pulled out. Also, usually after we're done I get up and there is a wet spot on our bed, but last night when i got up there wasn't one. Does that mean that he came inside me and it stayed inside me?

Here is a genius idea!  How about you ASK your husband!  Do you really think that asking a bunch of strangers on the internet is going to get you a better answer than rolling to your right and asking your bedmate?

  How do I become a single mom?  

In the comments below, tell me how you would answer this one? 

Now check out part 1, 2 , 3 , 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8

When I am sad, a good laugh is the best medicine.  So... how about some more of "Can I get pregnant if he puts it in my ear?"

Tweet

These are all questions about trying to conceive posted in the last 2-3 days.  I didn't change anything that would insult the integrity of their questions.

Can i use a used condon to get pregnant?
Like take a childrends medice needle shaped
Measuring thing and suck the seman out and place it in my vagina my man doesnt want babyies but he will think the condom leakes lmao , trying lets see if it works

Nice.  I think what I find to be the worst part of this is that she actually uses "lmao" as she is talking about sperm jacking her boyfriend.

Is it possible 2 get pregnt 3 days b4 ur period, can't see my period nd he ejected while cumin, it was our 1st?

Have I ever told you about how much I love cumin?  I put it in my chili and sometimes in a cheeseburger macaroni recipe.  So good!

Does sperm have to be mature to provoque pregenacy?

Na na na na naaaa na.  C'meere little eggie so I can getcha! 

How to get pregnant...?
ive been trying, no luck. took an ovulation test online, says im supposed to be ovulating, but the physical ovulation test says im not. what can i do, since just trying doesnt seem to be working.

I really hope that she didn't pee on her laptop!

Can sperm freeze? Will the sprem-ilites still be alive?
I've been trying to freeze my seamen in order to sale it, due to the fact that I produce massive amounts of excesses sperm and I'm not married and I was thinking I could preserve it by freezing it. Will it still be good seamen? Can it still be used to create a fetus.

I have visions of this guy having a chest freezer full of semen and I am dry heaving. 

Is there any woman out there ttc trying to get pregnant with no luck?

That was it.  The whole question.  Ha Ha Ha!  Has she ever been online? 

Now check out part 1, 2 , 3 , 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8

I have a running dialogue going in my head all day long.  Sometimes it is just thinking about mundane errands I have to run.  Sometimes it is deep thoughts that may one day come together as a really good blog post.  Most days if you were in my head, it would sound something like this...

Yesterday at 9:00 am:

I really need to get some groceries.  Okay.  What are we going to have for dinners this week?  Hmmm... Wait!  Ouch!  Was that a pinch near my ovary?!  Crap!  That really hurt!  I wonder if it means anything.  Last cycle I think I felt the same thing and it meant nothing.  So... Italian subs sound good.  Maybe some Sausage Sandwiches with onions and green peppers?  I have the veggies so I'll just pick up some.... Crap!  Ouch!  That pinch thing just happened again!  Brush it off.  It is nothing!  So... buns.  Get some buns.   

I pile the kids in the truck and we get on our way to the store.

Don't forget to pick up some cookie dough to bake cookies for Gavin's preschool class tomorrow.  Hmm... 20 kids.  Do I bake 2 dozen and each kid gets one or 4 dozen and each kid gets two and I get more left overs?  I don't need left overs.  I am gaining way too much weight lately.  Is that heartburn?  It hurts!  Ouch!  Totally too early for pregnancy symptoms.  I am only 6 dpo! But wow!  That is definitely heartburn!  So anyway... cookies.  Sugar or chocolate chip?  BURP Uh. Not heartburn.  Just gas.  But gas can be a symptom!  Only 6 dpo.  Stop it, Maria!  


I arrive at the store.


I'll start with the non food stuff then come back and get the cold things.  Speaking of non food stuff... maybe I should pick up a box of pregnancy tests.  I DO have the Detect5 tests at home and really don't need more.  Must say no to pee sticks...  So I should make the cookies as soon as I get home.  I should have time to crank out 4 dozen cookies before lunch right?  


I get home and unpack groceries.   

I have to pee.  I'll unpack the groceries and then go to the bathroom.  Oooh!  I get to use another Detect5 test today to test out my trigger!  So exciting!  Must get food out of car.  Focus, Maria.  Now what on Earth is the Safelight guy doing here?  He isn't supposed to be here for another hour!  I feel weird peeing when there is a stranger outside my house putting in a windshield.  I mean I am sure I could pee and come back before anyone, even the boys, noticed I was gone but I want to use that test.  I'll wait a few minutes.  Maybe he'll be done soon.  On second thought, I'll just make it snappy.  

I get the cup, the test, and head to the bathroom.  

Hold the little cup carefully.  I hate when I get pee on my hands.  Slowly... slowly... but carefully set the pee cup on the floor while I unwrap the test.  What is that sound?  Is that a truck driving bast my bathroom window (a window that has no road anywhere near it)?  Hurry, Maria!  Oh, for the love of pee sticks!  I spilled my cup of pee.  Is there enough left in the cup?  None.  CRAP!  Am I really about to cry over spilled pee?  Maybe I am pregnant.  Wash hands well and repeatedly and then bake cookies.

I start baking cookies.

The theme of the day at preschool is the number 6.  Let me get out the mini MnMs and make little "6"s on each cookie.  How cute am I?  It won't even matter that the dough is coming out of a tub of pre made dough!  I mean, I am going with the theme of the day!  Why is Gavin acting so weird?  ***Editing out the gross part.  Just know that Gavin got sick.  Really really sick. ***  Great.  No one wants the sick kid's mom to bring in "homemade" cookies even if they are cute and have the number of the day on them.  There goes my diet.  

I go to the grocery first thing in the morning to buy pretzels and raisins and take them to the preschool and tell them that Gavin won't be coming despite his begging, pleading, and promises to not get sick anymore. 

Oh my goodness!  Am I getting teary eyed?  Seriously?!  I think I am crying about Gavin not coming to preschool today.  They have to think I am crazy!  I am a nut job!  Can I casually wipe my eyes without a tear falling or will they notice?  Deep breath.  No one can tell.  I'm sure they think I must have allergies because no grown woman would cry over this... unless... I am pregnant!  Maybe I am pregnant and I will be able to share with them 3 months from now that I am pregnant and THAT was why I was a basket case over a stupid snack day and a stomach bug!  Wouldn't that be nice?!  Now focus and get your weepy butt out of here before the other moms notice. 


Am I alone?  Do you talk to yourself too?  Would you cry over spilled pee and 4 dozen chocolate chip cookies with "6"s on them? 

Tweet

I am officially in the two week wait as I ovulated yesterday and now have to theoretically wait two weeks to find out if I am pregnant.  So while this commercial isn't exactly appropriate to our situation, it was too funny not to use as a kick off to my grueling waiting period! 

Feel free to share!

Tweet

I am going first thing in the morning tomorrow to do a scan to check for follicles and do my trigger shot again.  I'm hoping that the third time is the charm.  It just has to work one of these times!

In honor of the impending ovulation and those waiting for the sometimes elusive egg to pop.... Enjoy! 

Tweet

Tweet

Not sure you want to go the psycho lady route?  There is still an easy way to increase fertility and you have an opportunity to win it for free!  (US and Canada only)

After all of the Christmas celebrations and fun, last night I finally had the opportunity to use my Acupressure for fertility DVD for the fist time.  This video is so full of awesome information about how manipulating and applying pressure to identified pressure points can help with a myriad of issues that can, and do, impact our fertility.  Stress, hormonal imbalances, sex drive, circulation issues, and tons of other things that may not seem directly related to our fertility really are.  I am sure that as I add this DVD to my routine I will learn something new each time.  I also like the way the information is not overwhelming.  I don't feel like I am being bombarded as it is delivered casually and while I was engaged in the practice.  The very subtle music is perfect as it isn't distracting and won't get annoying (which is something that happens to me with almost every exercise DVD I own.)  When I was finished I felt very relaxed and invigorated at the same time.  There is a 5 minute introduction, the practice portion which is approximately 35 minutes, and there is 2 additional chapters for pre-IVF and post-IVF.  The in vitro fertilization component will be wonderful for couples who are looking for something to help them maintain a calm and healthy balance.

One other super cool thing about this DVD is that once you learn the points, it would be really easy to multi-task.  Waiting for water to boil?  Improve your fertility by massaging a few pressure points.  At the RE's office waiting for an appointment?  There are points you can work on without anyone one in the waiting room knowing what you are doing.  Well, unless of course they are also using acupressure.

Tweet

Tweet

These are all questions about trying to conceive posed in the last 2-3 days.  I did not edit them at all.  I didn't want to insult the integrity of their questions. 

Any pregnancy chances for this month?

Last period was Oct 19th. Have a 30-31 day cycle

Had sex Oct 25-26-27-28-31 and Nov 1-4-5-6-9-10-13

Sheesh!  You must be unmarried, newlyweds, or you are a bunny rabbit.  

Why do people say its selfish?

I'm 15 years old and want to have a baby very badly. My boyfriend thinks that its selfish that I want on at such a young age. I just want something for me to love and have all the time.. He says that I have him.. But I only see him on the weekends. I understand that it could be hard to raise a baby.. But its something I want.. I'm trying to overcome this want for my boyfriend.. But I feel like trying isn't enough for him.. He still thinks I'm crazy and selfish.. Do you think its selfish? And why?

My boyfriend has a full time time job and makes 10 dollars an hour. I'm looking for a job right now. ITS NOT SELFISH ITS THE NEED FOR LOVE! So what if I'm still in school? My mom was a teen mom and graduated! My grandmother was a teen mom and graduated! So does that mean every woman who wants a baby is selfish? And, I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half...

If graduating is your definition of success then you will be fine.  

Help pls???

Well I been tryna get preqnant fo a year now but my gf wont let meh shes 34 im 21 I love her so much everytyme I go to sleep ive dream abt been a new mommy or been pregnant the dream seem true . I wanna kno wat can I do to makee it happen .

I'm just confused.  So confused!  You want to be a new mommy so you are trying to get your "gf" pregnant?    Two girls cannot make a baby.  Perhaps your "gf" knows this????

Stopping sex

How much time one should stop sex before conceiving, so that a healthy child is produced?

Stopping before conception means that there is no baby made.  Gotta do the baby dance to make the baby!

Advice pls!!! Help!

what does it mean when your boy friend randomly was thinkin about how you would look pegnant.......? my boy friend randomly was thinking how i would look pregnant and he told me he thought i would be a cute pregnant girl.......i know what his saying but what is he implying.does he want me to be prgnant or something in that nature like why would he randomly be thinking about that

I'm randomly thinking about how you would look with a chastity belt.  What do you think that means?

Can she be pregnant? can sperm go through 4 layers of clothes?

The other day, me and my girlfriend were hugging and kissing and sorta laying on top of each other. When I was above her, I unexpectedly climaxed, and quickly got up and went to the restroom. When I checked, I saw a wet stop the size of a halfdollar or so on my shorts. My question is, can she be pregnant by this? We had 4 layers of clothes between us, and I'm really freaking out.

Half dollar is okay but a buffalo nickle is a recipe for disaster.

Is it supposed to whistle?

When I urinate it seems that enough air passes through such that there is a very loud whistle. I can no longer urinate in public, is this supposed to happen?

I have no words for the whistling pee pee.  That is just messed up!

10. When you are out shopping you can't help but stare at the abdomens of every woman between the ages of 12 and 45 and determine how far along they are.  Because, after all, everyone else is pregnant.  Seriously.  They are!  And if they aren't, they will be any second.

9. The people at Amazon and Ebay are totally on to you.  No fertile woman would ever buy 50+ pregnant tests at a time or 100 ovulation tests.  I like to pretend that there is a group of ladies in the packaging department at Amazon who say a little prayer every time they tape up another big box of pee sticks.

8. The simple words "Just Relax" make you take a deep breath and instead of considering a spa day, you think of 3 places to hide a body.

7. Talking about your uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes are akin to talking about turkey, lettuce, and whole wheat bread.  No biggie.  Want to talk about details?  Those are just like adding a dab of mayo.

6. You have sewn a cup holder into the inside of your shirt for transporting the swimmers to their destination.

5. You calculate your due date long before you have ovulated.

4.  Television and movies are almost unbearable.  When the actresses aren't expecting, their characters are.  Then there is the occasional infertility sub plot which lasts for an episode or two but then that just means that they will miraculously get pregnant with twins in the next episode. No wonder the fertile people tell us to relax.  We will be pregnant in two weeks according to the TV shows.

3.  Baby showers are right up there on the list with root canals.  Put some pink and blue balloons in a dentist's office, perhaps a streamer or two, and crank up the drill!  Good times ahead!

2. You have considered wearing sunglasses to work and talking into a wrist watch since they probably already think you are a secret agent.  I mean, who else would have that many "appointments" or "quick lab work" excuses?

1. People suggesting adoption can be infuriating!  It is like going to a Mexican restaurant because you have been craving a burrito for a month and the waitress says, well, we don't have any burritos today but you know what is really good?!  A tater tot!  Do you want a tater tot?  They are really good! I'm sure the tater tots are good and maybe another day I'll really want a tater tot.  But, today give me a freaking burrito for crying out loud!  

Today I went to get an ultrasound done to check to make sure I had no cysts before starting Clomid.  I knew when I made the appointment on Friday that my doctor wouldn't be the one I would see since he is only in that office on Tuesdays and Fridays.  There is a group of something like 6 doctors that work at the 3 different offices.  Dr. M is by far my favorite.  But knowing that he wouldn't be in, I started thinking about the other possible doctors.  One of the doctors is the one who gave me an ultra sound to verify that I was having a miscarriage.  His bedside manner left me in tears and his fake efforts to appear empathetic were about at believable as a obese person feeling bad for the person who "just can't gain weight".  I didn't really care who I had, as long as it wasn't him.

One of the other doctors in the practice is a young, attractive, sweet as pie girl who also happened to have gone to the same college prep boarding school as I did.  She was just a couple of grades ahead of me and in the same class as my brother.  No big deal really but it does provide an unusual experience when your doctor is really more like a peer and I cheered for her team when she played field hockey and she cheered for my team on the basketball court.  Not awkward really.  Just unique.

When I arrived at the medical building, my heart was pounding.  It was like it was finally hitting me that we were doing this.  The information I had learned about infertility, Clomid, and Reproductive Endocrinology by reading posts on message boards and having made friends with ladies traveling that road, were now becoming part of my own world.    As my head was swimming and my heart beating quickly, I soon see, just a few steps ahead of me is the girl I went to school with.  Of the options, I was pleased that it was going to be her, even if it was a little unusual.

I stepped into the elevator behind her and as she looked at me, I could tell that she knew that she knew me but was unclear how.  We made small talk and she would give a clue here and there that she had figured out who I was, but then she she started talking to me as if I were an employee.  As she realized that I was going to the same door as her, I could tell she was eager to go and look at the charts and solve the mystery.  I could hear the chatter through the glass as she must have told some of the others about her inability to place me.  I felt bad but I am still not sure how one goes about gracefully saying (in the company of others on an elevator), "I'm the one who is the little sister of your classmate. I am also a patient of Dr. M's but you are going to scan my ovaries today."

I had joined two other ladies in the waiting area and they were each called back almost immediately.  I waited quietly in the room contemplating picking up a magazine but recognized that it would probably only be a minute until I got called.  I fiddled with my purse instead.  Then, through the same door that I had just walked, came a guy in a white jacket.  I fear that there are no words that can accurately describe what I saw but I will try my best.  He looked to be about 24 years old at the absolute oldest.  His head was shaved bald and probably would not been laughed at if he auditioned to be a Calvin Klein underwear model.  But, despite being good looking, if instead of the white jacket he was wearing a baseball cap turned slightly to the side, I might have clutched my purse a little tighter.  After a brief hello and he passed through the next door, I stood to grab a tissue to stifle my almost impossible to stifle laughter.  It was hysterical to me that a really attractive young Eminem look-a-like was about to be involved in my ultrasound. 

A few moments later, my name is called.  I am lead back to the ultrasound room and undress from the waist down.  I wait with the crinkly paper sheet draped over my lap.  A minute later, in walks Dr. Classmate and Dr. Eminem.  I am introduced to Dr. Eminem and just as I had feared, I am asked if it is okay if he is in the room.  What am I supposed to say?  I say, "Sure!" but I finished the sentence in my head with, "Only if you put your hat on backward and say, 'Dawg!'"

Now all three of us are in a small room with the ultrasound machine and Dr. Classmate stands infront of the machine and hands "The Wand" to Dr. Eminem.

"Really?" I ask myself.  "A young female doctor and a pint sized rap star are in a room with a half naked infertile woman.  Who should insert the wand, do you think?"

Dr. Eminem lifts up the paper sheet to get a better view of the target and in it goes.  I am almost 90% sure that I was smiling.  Not because of the technique but of the situation and the conversation in my head.  *Note to self* Work on keeping a straight face when a wand is inserted into my vagina.  I am pretty confident that my smiling during that procedure only makes an awkward situation more awkward.

The good news is that I had no cysts on my ovaries!  Today I took my first dose of Clomid 50 mg.  I am on cycle day 4 and go back for a shot to trigger ovulation in about a week.  I am really hopeful but trying to keep it in check so that if this isn't the cycle for us, I am not completely feeling busted.  Any words of wisdom, encouragement, hope and prayers are always welcomed! 



Tweet

A month or so ago I was inspired to share some of my best drawing skills (which isn't bad if I were a fourth grader!) to illustrate some of the "other techniques" used when getting pregnant is more of a priority than a pastime.  If you missed the first installment, they are HERE. 

These other techniques are based on ideas by my so creative and hysterical readers!


The Dead Fish
This is when one, or sometimes both, of the participants is less than enthusiastic about the nights events.  Long day at work?  Tough workout at the gym?  It doesn't matter the cause, just don't expect any energy from this dead fish.  "Just be happy I'm laying here."  



The Backup Plan

It has happened to me at least twice where I found myself flying solo during ovulation time.  With out the other half in town, the mind tries to get creative.  Just FYI- The turkey baster idea only works if the "donation" is fresh.  So don't try to stash it between a pizza and the ice cube tray.  It won't work.



The Stealth Mode
The Stealth Mode comes in handy when those out of town guests show up during that fertile window.  Maybe it is a clogged toilet, a personal health issue, but something happens to come up that requires that you and your significant other step away for a while.  Be sure that the excuse is something that Uncle Hal won't volunteer with.  Then, serve a lovely, large dessert and step away.  Quickly and quietly is key!  And, above all else, lock the door! 

Keep the ideas coming folks!  I must admit that I have too much fun drawing these pictures*!

*Please note- Pictures are not drawn to scale. Ha Ha Ha

Tweet