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About Me
- Maria
- God has blessed me tremendously with an amazing husband, Doug, and two gorgeous little boys, Gavin and Joey. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large family but God may have other plans. I had a series of 6 consecutive early miscarriages when trying for baby #2. We are currently trying for baby #3 after our 7th miscarriage. I am faithful that God's plan is perfect, even when I am not happy about it. I love comments and meeting new followers so please don't be shy!
We Salute You!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
My New Look
As I already announced on my facebook page, the winner was design number 9 (which you can now see proudly displayed on the blog)! A very special thank you to Mary Alice at Digital Insite Web Design!
I am still working on getting my widgets where I like them and a few other little things but it is getting there! Thank you to everyone who participated. I hope that everyone had fun and I will be working on a page of buttons of all who submitted designs.
I am still working on getting my widgets where I like them and a few other little things but it is getting there! Thank you to everyone who participated. I hope that everyone had fun and I will be working on a page of buttons of all who submitted designs.
Pouring My Heart Out Again
Blame it on hormones. Blame it on just being a girl. Blame it on the fact that I am a big ol' cry baby from a long line of big 'ol cry babies. But, I have just been on the verge of tears for about a week now. Last night, as I was just doing a bit of catching up on facebook, I happened to notice on my side bar a friend suggestion. It was of a friend from high school who, while we never connected on facebook, I would consider a friend. Not that I need to justify but I was a very shy girl in school and, while most people that know me now would find this next to impossible to believe, I was as timid as they come 20 years ago. On facebook, for whatever reason, when it comes to my former classmates, I revert back to my introverted, timid, and painfully shy former self. So, it is rare for me to actually do the friend request. Maybe just still afraid of rejection. I digress.
Several months ago I had received word through the facebook grapevine that Lisa was losing her battle with cancer and probably wouldn't make it much longer. I didn't even know that she had cancer. It all sort of came as a shock as she isn't the "type" if there is one that would get suddenly stricken with a incurable disease which would swoop in, and take her life. Then, a week or so later her sister sent out to all of her friends that was passed on to me through a mutual friend. Lisa had passed away. It tears me up to even think about that letter. To hear that she had 3 young children just seems to be that much more gut wrenching. The youngest is close to the same age as my Gavin. I couldn't fathom saying goodbye to my children. Not just for a childless lunch with a friend. Not just a short vacation with Doug. But a goodbye forever. Just breaks my heart to think about it.
What I find to be the most touching was how her sister described that she had a unshakable faith in God. That she made her peace with God and was ready to meet Him. I cant help but cry as I type those words. Here I am frustrated about not getting pregnant with baby number three. I wonder why some oversexed, unwed, teenager gets to feel a baby kicking her and I am trying to remember what it felt like when Joey kicked my from the inside. Then, I wonder if that distant memory will be the last time I will have that feeling. In the grand scheme of things, I have been so very blessed. It really puts things into perspective. If the worst thing in my life is dealing with infertility and miscarriages... well... I'll take it. If that is what God has in store for me then there is good in all of it.
I am sure my friend's life had a huge impact on all that she knew. But, maybe just a teeny tiny part of His plan for her was so that I sat here today, with a tear stained face and got these words out into the world. Maybe one of you reading this will take a moment to re-evaluate how there is good in everything no matter how hard you cry. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how angry it makes you. God's plan is complex, complicated, but absolutely perfect. If my friend could see this then I should too.
Thank you, God, for the years that you shared Lisa with us. Without her saying a word to me since my last days of high school, she changed my life forever. Thank you for putting her in your plan for me. I pray that her faith serves as a continued inspiration for myself and inspires others to seek You out, especially when we are feeling cheated out of our worldly wishes. Please continue to guide me toward Your will, and lend me strength and patience when I run short. Amen.
Several months ago I had received word through the facebook grapevine that Lisa was losing her battle with cancer and probably wouldn't make it much longer. I didn't even know that she had cancer. It all sort of came as a shock as she isn't the "type" if there is one that would get suddenly stricken with a incurable disease which would swoop in, and take her life. Then, a week or so later her sister sent out to all of her friends that was passed on to me through a mutual friend. Lisa had passed away. It tears me up to even think about that letter. To hear that she had 3 young children just seems to be that much more gut wrenching. The youngest is close to the same age as my Gavin. I couldn't fathom saying goodbye to my children. Not just for a childless lunch with a friend. Not just a short vacation with Doug. But a goodbye forever. Just breaks my heart to think about it.
What I find to be the most touching was how her sister described that she had a unshakable faith in God. That she made her peace with God and was ready to meet Him. I cant help but cry as I type those words. Here I am frustrated about not getting pregnant with baby number three. I wonder why some oversexed, unwed, teenager gets to feel a baby kicking her and I am trying to remember what it felt like when Joey kicked my from the inside. Then, I wonder if that distant memory will be the last time I will have that feeling. In the grand scheme of things, I have been so very blessed. It really puts things into perspective. If the worst thing in my life is dealing with infertility and miscarriages... well... I'll take it. If that is what God has in store for me then there is good in all of it.
I am sure my friend's life had a huge impact on all that she knew. But, maybe just a teeny tiny part of His plan for her was so that I sat here today, with a tear stained face and got these words out into the world. Maybe one of you reading this will take a moment to re-evaluate how there is good in everything no matter how hard you cry. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how angry it makes you. God's plan is complex, complicated, but absolutely perfect. If my friend could see this then I should too.
Thank you, God, for the years that you shared Lisa with us. Without her saying a word to me since my last days of high school, she changed my life forever. Thank you for putting her in your plan for me. I pray that her faith serves as a continued inspiration for myself and inspires others to seek You out, especially when we are feeling cheated out of our worldly wishes. Please continue to guide me toward Your will, and lend me strength and patience when I run short. Amen.
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Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Toxic?
Let me start by saying that yesterday afternoon I got a nice dark positive ovulation test. While I know that our chances of conceiving are slim, I still like to give God the opportunity to bless us if it is His will. But... the plot thickens.Doug got a message from our General Practitioner on Friday afternoon to call the office as soon as possible. He had done some blood work recently so we expected that there must have been some issue with that. Unfortunately it was too late for us to call the office on Friday so he called first thing Monday morning. Just when we were starting to feel like we might have a decent handle on things we learn that he now had steroid induced diabetes. The teeny little silver lining is that this, like gestational diabetes, will go away once the trigger goes away. In pregnancy, that would be delivery. In Doug's case, when he gets off the steroids his blood sugars will return to normal as well. Another wonderful side effect of his medications is that it can effect bone marrow and his blood test indicated that this may also become an issue as well as his platelet count is elevated. This is just something that needs to be watched.
Doug already had an appointment to see his GI doctor in the afternoon so this is where the plot takes a nice, heartbreaking turn. He saw the nurse practitioner and they were talking about the medications and the side effects. She then asked him if "he was going to have babies." Doug responded that we were. She quickly advised him not to try because the Imuran that he takes is "toxic to a fetus through the male." It was my understanding that he would be taking the imuran for the rest of his life. So when Doug told me this news all I could hear was, 'This is the end. No more babies. No last pregnancy to enjoy." But then my train of thought was quickly interrupted by a much faster and much more angry train of thought. "Toxic to a fetus through the male?!" What does that even mean? How would a sperm that was healthy enough to fertilize an egg (despite our already diminished odds) be toxic to a not yet developed fetus? I know I am not a doctor but this just doesn't seem to make sense. I could understand if it was a woman who needed to be on the medication as it does seem to be one that crosses the placenta but... through the male?! Another frustration is that no one mentioned this in the last 3 months that he has
been on the medication. One would think that if this was such a serious concern that this would be on the short list of important things to share with anyone of child bearing age. Right?We have decided that while we seek some clarification from someone, hopefully my RE, we are going to put it in God's hands. The chances are so slim that if I do become pregnant then I know that God's will has been done. Toxic or not. Whatever that means.
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Monday, July 11, 2011
Need to Smile?
It has been a rough couple of days for me and when things get quiet, I have found myself getting teary eyed. Even though I am probably overdue for an all out bawl fest, I have decided that I am going to go on a mission to find things to make me laugh and I would be really mean to keep the giggles to myself. Please enjoy, and bookmark for a sad day!
Are you smiling? I certainly feel better!
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Are you smiling? I certainly feel better!
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Sunday, July 10, 2011
Military Families
I am not a military mom. I am not from a military family unless you go back 3 generations. I have no concept of what it truly means to wait anxiously at home, care for children, all while knowing that my one true love is so far away. I whine and moan when Doug has to go out of town for his desk job for a mere week. I am thankful that God created women strong enough to manage this. For that reason, I salute all of the military mamas.This morning I was able to see a short segment on the news for a campaign that First Lady, Dr. Biden has been working on to help support the spouses and families of our military. She is encouraging people to pitch in. To help out. To donate whatever services the can provide to these families who are at home, managing as a single parent household. After all, it isn't just the soldier who is "in the military." These families sacrifice so much for our country. Dr. Biden encourages people who can do lawn care to volunteer to do that. If you can cut hair, volunteer to cut the hair of the children. Do what you can to serve these families who are living in a single parent family situation so that we can be protected.
I love this. I actually got a teary eyed thinking about how much these military mamas go through. I wanted to help out these military families too. But what can a stay at home mom do to help out a military family. Then, it dawned on me. For the past 10 weeks I have been posting featured blogs. While I really enjoyed doing this, I think it is time to pay homage to the military families. Each month I am going to salute at least one military blogger by putting their button/link on my homepage. Free advertising!
I cordially invite all military families to sign up for your free adspace using the form below. Do you know a military mama? Please let them know to stop by and sign up too! If I have a good turn out, I will feature more than one each month.
Thanks again military families! I look forward to featuring you!
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Saturday, July 9, 2011
The Home School Decision
Since Gavin was born, Doug was really hopeful that I would home school our children. We would have various conversations over the years and I always could tell that, while our conversations were left open ended, he was pretty sure that homeschooling was what was best for our children. Not that it is necessary, but my degree is in education. I taught other people's children for a few years before my finding my dream job of writing behavior support plans for adults with mental retardation and/or developmental delays. So, I should be qualified. But am I really?I am pretty sure that this is the route I want to go but when the time comes to make it official, I'm afraid that I will panic. What if Doug's health is more involved and I am
needing to tend to him more often. What if Gavin's learning needs exceed what I feel qualified to teach? I can barely get the dishes done, laundry folded, and shower, let alone actively teach my children everything they need to know to be successful adults. Come on! Who am I fooling? I don't get the laundry done now. The dishes are an all day event done in 15 second intervals between policing Gavin and Joey, and removing every inedible item within a 3 mile radius from Joey's mouth. And shower? This weekend I shaved my legs for the first time in two weeks. No wait. It was longer! I shaved around the time I ovulated! You are welcome, Doug. That was the 16th of June.So adding schooling on top of this sounds to be impossible. And what about if a third (or dare I say a fourth) child enters into the equation? How would I ever be able to teach my children if I am nursing a newborn, changing diapers on a toddler, and cooking an edible dinner for my family? My legs would have hair like a neanderthal and I would have to look into how to manage dreadlocks.
This is the inner dialogue I have on almost a daily basis. I want to, but how can I? I can do it but can I do it well? Will I be short changing my children? Will they get the best education? Will being taught by the people who love them the most, make up for the fact that their mom could pass for a wilder beast with piles of laundry at each end of the sofa instead of homemade pillows?
I would love to hear from all of the moms out there (present and future) who are facing or faced this decision. Were you sure? Did you have reservations? Do you have any advice or resources that you found helpful? Am I crazy for thinking (at times) that I just can't handle anything else?
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Friday, July 8, 2011
Perfect Timing
When I was trying to conceive baby #2 and kept miscarrying, no matter when it happened, I was devastated. Maybe it was my coping mechanism, but I would find myself carrying Gavin in his carrier, 3 bags of groceries, and a gallon of milk up the basement stairs and think to myself, "I am not sure how I would have managed if I was pregnant. I have enough on my plate as it is." Or Gavin would go through a phase where he would need me more than usual, was more active, or more labor intensive, and I would think to myself, "God must have seen this coming and knew that I wouldn't have been able to handle this as well if I was dealing with morning sickness, being exhausted, or big and pregnant. It wasn't like my pregnancy with Joey was perfect but, when I was barfing my brains out, Gavin was content to watch an episode of Little Einsteins. I wasn't exhausted because Gavin was sleeping until 8:30 or 9:00am. And by the time I was big and pregnant, Gavin was thriving on being independent. So, really timing for my pregnancy was perfect.I started my period last week after being taunting with just enough spotting to tease me into googling the crap out of implantation spotting. Nah. Just Aunt Flo stopping by to check out the accommodations before moving in her stuff. Disappointing? Yes. But until we get Doug's health in check, me dealing with morning sickness, going to the doctor weekly for monitoring, juggling Doug's medical appointments, all while somehow managing Gavin, Mr. I Live in Time Out, and Joey, Mr. If It Can Hurt Me, I Will Find a Way To Get It? Dare I say impossible?
As much as I want to be pregnant again, I know that God knew what was headed my way. He knew it would be too much. And now the confession: I weaned early partly so that I could start trying for #3. Whew. There. It is out. As Joey's first birthday is approaching and I think about how I should just now be weaning, I can't help but wonder if the fact that I have been trying for 8 months with no success is God's way of saying that I made a wrong decision about weaning when I did. Who am I to challenge God's plan and give Joey formula to circumvent the way things should have gone.
There is no sense in me dwelling on the decisions that were made 7 months ago but last week, as I sat in Doug's hospital room, I realized that I need to really follow God's lead. With as painful as it is to watch the pregnant world pass me by, I know that when God hands me another child, I will look back and say, "Thank you God for your perfect timing! Again!"
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