The last couple of days Joey has been fighting off a cold.  He has been a trooper!  Last night, the congestion won the battle.  He would doze off for a while, wake up, cough, cry, doze off.  This would happen every 30-40 minutes.  Almost like a rapidly progressing labor, the rest times were decreasing and the coughing and crying was lasting longer and getting more intense.  Then at about, 12:30 am Joey should have been giving birth to a snot baby.  Unfortunatly, there was no relief for him or me. 

Rather than no one in the house getting any sleep, I took Joey downstairs.  I figured that I could cuddle with Joey in the recliner and maybe his head being slightly elevated would help him sleep.  I took down blankets, Joey's lovey Mr. Moo, and my very confused, very tired Joseph.  I covered us both up and tried to get comfortable.  I was so exhausted that I was pretty sure I was going to be able to sleep even if I was upside down.  After about 5 minutes I was reevaluating my previous sleep expectations.  Having a 30 something pound kid squirming, lifting and dropping his head repeatedly too close to my face or on my collarbone, and coughing and sneezing mere millimeters from my face, was proving to be a tougher sleeping situation than I had counted on. 

So I layed there in the chair as Joey would momentarily doze off, this time tear free, planning my trip to Starbucks in the morning.  I then wondered what time they actually opened.  Just as I thought I might be able to close my eyes, Joey repositioned himself so that he was facing me and put his face on my chest.  All of the sudden, I didn't care that I wasn't going to get any sleep.  I was loving being a very much needed mommy again.  I missed nursing him all night long a whole year ago now.  I missed feeling his warmth, in the dark, in the quiet house with only hums and clicks that are unique to our old house.  It isn't like I didn't love him like crazy before but last night, I fell a little more in love with him. 

I started having visions of him being all grown up and not needing his mom to hold him in a rocking chair.  I imagined that he would one day be a father himself.  That would mean that he would meet a woman of his dreams and she would love my son as much as I do.  I can't imagine that anyone will ever be able to love him like I do, but right now, somewhere in this world, there is a little baby girl curled up in her mommy's arms who was created to love my son. 

As I choked back the tears of sheer bliss, I couldn't help but start thinking about how I long to do this all over again.  The long nights of no sleep, quiet thoughts, stroking the baby's soft head, and stealing silent kisses.  I think that God knows what he is doing.  When my night was starting off so rough, I was slightly irritated and grouchy at the thought of no sleep.  After the cuddles and feeling his heart beating as he laid on my chest, really has rejuvenated me and my faith that God has another baby (or two!) for me.  

Interestingly enough, after about 60 minutes of snuggling and intermittent dozing off, I realized that Joey would probably sleep better in his own bed if he could be a little more elevated.  So I put some throw pillows under his regular pillow and tucked him in.  I walked into my bedroom, crawled under the covers, and in a few minutes both Joey and I were in a very sweet and happy dream land.  Morning came early today but when I went in to get Joey, it was like he heard every single thought I had last night.  As I was changing his diaper, he reached up for me.  I leaned down to give him a little kiss on his cheek and for the first time ever, he gave me a real, unsolicited, hug.  The kind where there is actual squeezing.  He held tight to my shoulders for about 10 seconds.  When I reluctantly stood up, I saw his warm smile and puffy sleepy eyes looking into my heart.  That was all the caffeine I needed to get me through the day.  Well... that and a Iced Grande Triple Skinny Caramel Macchiatto. 

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While I rarely follow the celebrity gossip... okay... maybe a little... I saw that there was some controversy regarding Tom Cruise's daughter, at 5 years old, photographed with a pacifier in her mouth. I had been meaning to share our pacifier story so... maybe Suri Cruise will benefit as well.


Most people agree that there is an age when using a pacifier is no longer socially acceptable, the jury still seems to be out on when that actually is. Gavin used a pacifier (called a "binky" at our house) when he was an infant. Starting at about a year old he never really needed it during the day and was perfectly content with only using it at nap time and bed time. So, we did have it a bit easier than many parents out there. But when I say he was attached to it during sleep times would be an understatement. He HAD to have his binky or there was not going to be any sleep for anyone. When Gavin was about 2 1/2, I noticed that his favorite (and only) binky was really needing to be replaced. But, because he was so attached to not just his binky, he was attached to the orange binky with the yellow handle. So rather than go on a mission to find an identical match for a replacement, the decision was made. It was time to say good-bye to the binky.

Again, Gavin loved his binky. If it ever dared get lost in his covers in the middle of the night, Gavin would wake up screaming bloody murder. "I NEED my BINKY!!! MOOOOOOOOM!" Followed shortly thereafter by the tears of a terrified little boy. So, we knew that just taking the Binky one night was not going to work. We started talking about how it was going to be time to say good bye to the binky soon. Gavin, was okay with the idea but when it came time to put those ideas into action, thus began the freak-out if the century.

Doug and I talked about how we could do this without emotional upheaval. We were ready to just let him keep it (find the orange binky replacement) when I read this idea on a message board. It was ingenious! I can not claim it as my own but thought it would be worth passing on because most of us will one day face the issue of saying, "Buh-bye, binky."

We told him on the big day that he was going to go to a store where he was going to pick out his very own teddy bear. We told him that his "Bink" would get to live inside of the bear and he was just going to LOVE it. We talked it up all morning. The ride in the car was of nothing other than what we were doing. We talked about picking the bear, watching the bear get stuffed, and picking out clothes for the bear. When we got to the store we stayed as animated and excited as two adults can be inside a Build-A-Bear Workshop.

I subtly meandered to the counter to ensure that stuffing the binky in the bear was going going to be okay. I asked the woman behind the counter, "Is it okay if we put something in the bear before it is stuffed?"

"It depends on what it is." She said quizzically.

I fought back the urge to ask her what types of things would not be allowed to be stuffed in a bear. Perhaps a gun? Maybe I was hoping to have them help me smuggle some drugs? Maybe an used hypodermic needle was what I had in mind?

I told her about wanting to put the binky in the bear and she had no problem with it. Thank goodness, or else we were going to have to go back to the drawing board. Gavin picked out the bear he wanted and we took it to the lady at the stuffing station. We showed her the binky tucked into a sandwich bag. I figured that no one wanted to touch some other kids nasty old binky. She thought it would be a good idea to lead it in the bag so that he could actually hear it inside the bear as well as feel it. So in it went. No turning back now. We picked out the clothes and made a certificate for the bear. He is officially named, "Bink." We took him home and dressed him up.

That night, Doug and I held our breath as he crawled into bed that night without a binky in his mouth. He slept. No tears. No wanting a binky. He had Bink the Bear now. I figured that in a day or two the novelty of the bear might wear off but that was 7 months ago. It was the easiest transition I could have ever dreamed of. He didn't even care when Joey started using a binky. It did cost us about 30 dollars but it was worth every penny.

If you have seen the movie, Groundhog Day with Bill Murray then you have seen the 1 1/2 hour movie version of my efforts to try to conceive my third baby.  Bill Murray's character is stunned and surprised when he wakes up and realizes that he is reliving the previous day.  When he goes to sleep again he is sure that when he wakes up the next day it will be different.  Nope.  Same exact day.  After a few more days, the anger and frustration makes way for just annoyance and his efforts to change the outcome.  Then after all of his efforts fail, he just goes through the motions of each day.

Yep.  That has been my year.  The only difference has been that my Groundhog Day lasts about 26 days.  I went through months of anger and frustration.  I then went through my months of trying everything I could in my bag of tricks to make this time different.  Now, I'm just going through the motions.  Another cycle is behind me and this time, I wasn't sad.  I didn't cry.  It was like I just knew my temperature would drop and I would start the whole cycle again.  Just like I had for the previous 17 cycles.  It is like I watched the clock turn to 6:00 am.  Eh.  Did I really think that this would be the time that the alarm wouldn't start blaring 'I Got You Babe'?  Nope.

So, I'm not done trying.  I'm not ready to quit.  Just patiently waiting for Punxsutawney Phil to show his ugly mug and tell me when this season is going to change already.

I guess I should also admit that I haven't actually started my period but today my temperature dropped not just below my coverline but below all of my pre-ovulation temps.   For those of you who don't chart, that is like when the credits roll at the end of a movie.  If you stick around to watch them you might get to see a few more funny scenes, outtakes or something but no matter how long you sit in the theater, the movie is over.  My cycle is over.  As if my temperature dropping didn't make it evident enough, I had the most miserable cramps this morning.  Between the pressure headaches and grouchy hormonal outbursts I managed to throw together a quick batch of PMS Tea.  It will work best when started a few days before your period but, considering it looks like the witch is showing up 3 days early today was going to have to suffice.

Thankfully the recipe is short and sweet.  It is 2 parts Nettle, 1 part Lemon Balm, and 1 part Lemon Verbena.  I mixed them all well and put them in a tea ball and poured boiling water over it.  I let it steep for about 20 minutes.  The taste is somewhat earthy but not unpleasant.  I chose to add some honey and it made it quite tasty.  I drank the first cup hot but am enjoying the second cup chilled and unsweetened.  It is actually very good cold.  I realize that it is almost winter time for most of us but I can totally see this looking and tasting lovely in a nice glass pitcher with a sprig or two of mint!

If you are interested in a natural way to manage the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome, our PMS Tea is now available.  If you would rather mix it and make yourself, we also carry the individual ingredients.

Here's to hoping that in about 26 days I have an opportunity to share our BFP Tea.

I know it is only Wednesday but I really wanted to tell you about some amazing small businesses I have come across over the last year.  When we really sit and think about the money we spend for Christmas gifts and decorations, how much of our money is being spent at the huge chain stores like WalMart or Target?  I know it takes a bit more time to look for small businesses to patronize but when a mom, dad or young person gets a sale it can make their day, pay their overdue bills, and help them in unimaginable ways.  Buying a similar item at a chain store doesn't change the cashiers life one bit.  We will still keep those cashiers employed because we will still buy electronics, books, movies, etc. from them.  But the specialty items... I think we should spend a few more minutes to try to help out the "real" people.

So let me share with you just some of the many small businesses I have taken a liking to and I think you will too. 

The first one is called Simply Darling Designs by Ciera.  There is actually a cute little story that goes along with this one.  One of my dearest friends from long long ago is the Aunt to this young lady, Ciera.  Because the last time I saw Ciera, she was a young, adorable 7 year old with the most striking eyes and charming smile, she is forever frozen in my mind as that young girl.  Turns out, as I have aged, so has the rest of the world.  She is now a stunning young woman who had a real talent for crafting and creating.  Her business is very new and she is working through a facebook page for orders and photos.  She is a sweet girl and I think you will really enjoy her adorable onsies, headbands, and more!  Click the photo below to go to her page!


This small business was started by a mom in her kitchen, the old fashioned way!  Devilishly Delicious Dips mixed her own seasonings together to make fantastic rubs, dip mixes and more!  So many of her mixes make my mouth water.  These will be perfect for those of you attending or hosting holiday get togethers or Super Bowl parties!  Want to wow them with an appetizer?  Try mixing a dip packet with cream cheese and making a scrumptious cheese ball!  Making mashed potatoes?  Throw in a savory dip and you have a whole new tasty twist!  Click on the photo below to go to her website and discover all of the possibilities!


Courage and Curls Crafts  is where Audrey showcases her lovely handmade jewelry is delicate and so feminine.  I love each and every piece!  She is an awesome woman with a story of such courage that she is always amazing me, encouraging me, and inspiring me.  Her jewelry does the same!  I am sure that there are a few people on your shopping list this year that would appreciate the handmade jewelry over the store bought, mass produced stuff.  Stop by clicking the picture below and see all of her stunning work!

 I can't even begin to tell you how much I love the work of Becoming Homegrown!  I came across this awesome store during the Green Christmas Blog Hop and now have a blossoming love affair with the hats that she makes!  I can't wait to buy two of these for my boys!  The only problem is deciding!  After much debate, I think I am going with the owl hats but the skunk, sock monkey and aviator hats are so cute too!  Stop by her adorable Etsy shop and start shopping for the little ones in your life or the ones that will be!  Click below and see the adorable designs.  



Then there is this one other small business that is near and dear to my heart!  You may have heard of it.  It is called Chapter One Herbs.  (Insert shy smile)  If you haven't stopped by to see what we have over there, you should!  We now carry 5 new teas!  One that is great for children who have a case of the sniffles!  It can help chase those cold germs away in a healthy, all natural way!  We also have an adult version should be used at the first sign of a cold or the flu!  We also have a tea specifically designed for pregnancy called BFP Tea, one for those nasty PMS symptoms, and one for those men in our lives called Excite for Men!  Also browse our new essential oil options!  
Do you have a small business?  Drop me an email and I will try to feature you during this holiday season! 

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...today turned to crap.  Have you ever had days like this?  Days where seriously everything you try to do ends up wrong, broken, and leaves you with tears in your eyes.  Yeah.  That was my day.

It started off great.  Doug is off this week and his mom came over to watch the boys while we ran some errands and did some Christmas shopping for the boys.  We stopped and got some Starbucks on the way home and life was good!  Then with my caffeine buzz I started doing a bunch of cleaning and organizing.  We had rearranged the furniture this weekend and it sort of launched me into a cleaning frenzy.  I have been going room by room and cleaning it top to bottom.  Today I moved to the second floor.

I have a habit of putting things on the stairs that should be taken upstairs.  It seems like a great idea since I go up those stairs at least as many times as I go down them.  Somehow I manage to walk right past whatever item I put there.  Then, the item turns into two.  Then three.  Then a small pile.  Then... well... It was time to take some stuff upstairs.  After I moved everything I decided I needed to vacuum the stairs and hallway.  As I was using the hose attachment to catch a cob web or two the vacuum suddenly became silent.  I checked the outlet.  It was still plugged in.  There was no smell indicating a motor died.  I thought maybe I bumped the power button.  Nope.  Just broken.  My 2 month old vacuum just kicked the bucket.

So, I took a deep breath and walked back downstairs.  I took Joey up for his nap, and plopped down on the couch with my laptop.  At that moment, I don't know why, Doug asked me about one of the errands we had run that morning.  I had boxed up an order made from Chapter One Herbs and we mailed it.  Turns out I sent them half of what we were supposed to.  Another deep breathe and this time a little bit of rubbing my eyes and face and I thought, "Okay.  So we just need to send one more package.  It is still plenty early so we can get it there!  Thankfully Doug say he would take it.  He is so sweet!  (Hi Honey!)


While he was gone I decided that I would work on a crafty decorating idea I had wanted to do for a while now from countrygirlhome.blogspot.com via Amanda on Pinterest.  I bought all of the stuff I would need over the weekend.  So as I am getting everything ready, I can't find the most important piece, the curtain rod.  I looked everywhere.  I remembered bringing it in the house.  I remember where I set it.  But I had no idea where it went after that.  Considering our house hasn't been cleaner or more organized in months I was completely irritated that I could find the stupid thing.  Finally it turns up and I am ready to pour myself into the project.  The project that looked so cute, so perfect, and so completely easy looked nothing like what I saw on Pinterest.  By the way, follow me and I'll follow you back!  I'll share a picture of it but I am not happy with it and I will be working on making it look they way I had planned it to.  Since I needed to print the pictures for the project, I got out the photo printer (that I admittedly haven't gotten out in years), plugged it in, and the stupid thing just blinked at me.  It didn't do anything.  Just blinked.  Doug came home and got the printer to actually turn on.  Then as soon as I touched the thing it froze up.  So I unplugged it to start over.  Guess what it did.  It blinked.  This is when I cried.   So here is my crooked, printed on paper picture frames (just the bottom ones) hung on a cool curtain rod.  Nice work huh? I tried to fix the frames so that they hung straighter.  My first idea didn't work.  My second didn't either.  My third idea cracked the frames and still didn't work. 

Seriously.  Everything turned to crap today!  It can only get better, right? 

Originally posted  7/18/11
One of the toughest things to manage is hearing someone else announce a pregnancy when dealing with your own loss(es) or infertility. Whether it is a unexpected announcement or learning that your friend who was trying had success, it always stings. Their words are, "Guess what?! We are pregnant! Due in March!" The words you hear in your head are, "Oh God, no! Here it comes. Come on fake smile. Go away hormonal tear in the corner of my eye! Oh crap. They are pregnant. Wow. It took them what 2 months?! The next 9 months are going to suck. Suck. Really. Bad." It is one thing to hear someones news of pregnancy on Facebook where you can block them from your news feed for the next 10 months, but what happens when it is someone you will be seeing on a routine basis, talking on the phone with, or forced to share a workspace with?

So after contemplating finding a new job, faking a highly contagious illness that could harm any fetus within a 3 mile radius, and relocating to a remote corner of the world, you realize that the only way to get through this is going to be to fake it as best you can. You know you will cry in the car on the way home, for 6 minutes after you are off the phone, or to the one close friend who knows your journey and can understand your pain. There is one other option. Maybe helping them understand your feelings will help everyone co-exist during a pregnancy. This is my attempt to explain how I feel.


Dear Pregnant Lady,

I want to say that I am happy for you that you are growing a baby in your belly. It is an amazing journey. One that I have been wanting for myself. I want to be happy for you, but right now I am just sad that it isn't me. I want to say congratulations. I do. But the words are getting caught up in my throat because my emotional tears are stronger than my ability to speak.

I am anticipating how you will be going through some incredible and miraculous changes and the only miraculous changes I seem to be able to have my body do is digest lunch and deliver a poop semi regularly. I know that in a few more weeks you will be feeling the first kicks and while I am sure you will be surprised and excited to share that special moment with everyone, please don't offer to let me feel it. It will only remind me of what I am not feeling inside of my own stomach.

When you are making your invite list for your baby shower, include me in it. But, please don't be offended if I don't come. I may manage to come and oooh and aaah at all of the cute outfits, but I may also bring a little bit of jealousy. I may need to escape to a bathroom and claim to be having digestive issues. I won't be pooping. I'll be crying and likely changing my tampon.

You might want to share some words of encouragement about a friend, aunt, or sister who struggled and then had their happy healthy baby. I know you mean well, but I just wish that I could be on this pregnancy journey right now too. No matter how many millions of other women who struggled to get pregnant or stay pregnant and then had success, it still doesn't put a baby in my womb today, like you have.

I want you to know that my seeming disinterest in your pregnancy isn't because I don't care about you. It is because I do care about you. I am just trying to cope the only way I can, and don't want you to feel anything but joyous and happy in your pregnancy.

My feelings may change at some point in the future. Probably at about the exact moment that I have two pink lines and a heartbeat to go along with it, but for now, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers as mine will be with you and your baby on the way as well.

Sincerely,
My Empty Uterus