This video was a birthday gift to his wife who had been diagnosed with cancer.  Get a tissue handy... 



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She passed away 2 weeks ago.  Lets all say a prayer for the Anderson family and for all of the families just like them. 

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Yesterday I was hopeful.  I had a light line on my pregnancy test and I thought for sure that 13 days after my trigger shot there would be NO WAY that could be the trigger still.  Joke was on me.  My temperature is climbing back down toward the coverline on my chart, two negative tests, and the cramps setting in first thing this morning well... there is no denying where this is headed. 

Last night I took a nice hot bath.  It was nice but I mentioned to Doug that one day I would love to have big, deep tub where I could soak comfortably.  His eye roll suggested that he was annoyed at my comment.  I asked him why and and he explained that there are so many expensive things on "the list" like needing a minivan.  I couldn't help but break down and cry. 

"It isn't like we have any kids on the way so we don't need a new car."

I stood at the sink crying silent tears as I finished washing dishes. 

I don't know why I was feeling so sure this cycle.  I don't know why I thought this was going to be a start instead of another end.  I know that God will bless me with another eventually I just need to be patient and thankful that he knows what is best for me and when it will be best for me.  I won't lie and say I haven't already calculated what my due date would be if I get pregnant next cycle.  I have and it has given me a little bit of a smile on this dismal and PMS filled day.  If I get pregnant this cycle I will be due just before my beloved grandmother's 100th birthday.  I would love, more than anything, to be due at such an important time as the matriarch of the family's century mark.  I can think of nothing more special. 

So as I wait for the impending visit from that wretched Aunt that just can't seem to get off the invite list, I am planning for next cycle.  The wonderful people from Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com will be sending me an OvaCue fertility monitor so that I can optimize my chances this cycle!  I will also be using their supplement called FertileCM and Doug will be taking FertileAid for Men.  Maybe this will be our winning combination! 

On a completely unrelated note: A friend of mine from what seems like a lifetime ago, gave birth to the most amazing, sweet, and handsome little man 8 weeks ago.  He has Down's Syndrome and is in heart failure and will be getting open heart surgery any day now.  Please keep Baby C. in your prayers for a quick and full recovery! 

Chapter One Herbs is already ready to get romantic. With Valentine's Day right around the corner, it is time to start thinking about what you and your sweetie might do for each other.  This Romantic Date Night package will help spark some romance all while keeping it green!

This package includes 1/3 ounce of Ylang Ylang that is sure to set the mood in any room of the house.  Its scent is lightly floral, fresh, and fragrant but not overpowering for the men!  It can help reduce stress and anxiety while helping to put both of you in the mood for some love!  Mix the Ylang Ylang with the sweet almond carrier oil in your stunning glass diffuser.  Put some reeds in and place it in any room of the house to lightly suggest that tonight will be a good night!

After a good meal (after all, they do say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach) you can each take some time to yourself and climb into a luxurious tub.  But this bath doesn't have to be the same boring bath you always take.  This tub is going to sizzle with anticipation.  Toss in one of these delicate bath bombs and watch it bubble as it transforms your regular bathwater into a calming lavender retreat.  After soaking up all of its luxuriousness you can offer your husband an opportunity to try it for himself while you set the stage in the bedroom!

Light one or both of these 2 ounce Ylang Ylang candles and put on something special.  When he is perfectly calm and relaxed from his bath you can tell him about the best part.  Using the sensual massage oil made with Ylang Ylang and Sandalwood, you can take turns rubbing and massaging away any lingering muscle aches while letting the anticipation continue to build for what you still have in store.  The massage oil can be used liberally and you will still have plenty for next time!  Chapter One Herbs will let you take it from there!

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Want to see if you can get lucky!  Enter to Win below!   

Of all of the days of my cycle, 9 DPO (days past ovulation) is clearly the worst.  It is just on the eve of knowing if there is good news or not good news.  It is when signs of my period start sneaking in which, in the most annoying of ways, is a mirror image of the lists of early pregnancy symptoms I study every month.  A pinch, a cramp, an ache.  While easy to become obsessed with, they mean virtually nothing.  The only thing that means something is a line on a test.  A silly pink line.  That is the only thing that can tell me if those things I have been trying to ignore all day mean that my heart can begin to beat a little faster as I get excited about the possibilities of expanding our family. 

I daydream the minutes away about what I'll do if I really am pregnant, but every daydream pops like a cartoon bubble when I remember how deflated I have felt the last 19 cycles.  I try to balance every thought of "Maybe!" with "Probably Not."  I don't know if it really makes it any easier but I at least feel like I am not letting myself get carried away. 

This is also the time when Doug starts asking ab out tests.  Somehow Doug does a great job staying positive.  Every time.  Even after I have already resigned to using a preemptive pantiliner, he still gives me a premensrual pep talk.  I love him for it but it hurts when I feel like I am letting him down again.  "Negative.  It is still negative.  Maybe tomorrow."

I know that I should wait to test, but somehow I feel like testing early helps me to ease into the disappointment.  It is like when I was 16 years old and had a dream of a car for Christmas.  I wanted a shiny new car with a big red bow to be hiding in the garage.  I would open every gift one at a time hoping that it was a disguised car key or clue to where I would find some shiny new wheels.  Every gift was okay but it just wasn't a car.  Each day I'm alive is a wonderful gift and I appreciate that every month that passes puts me one month closer to a baby, but a new car would be really nice... I mean baby.  A new baby would be really nice.

Tomorrow I will be using a Detect5 test and I am really hoping to see a line.  Just one is fine.  One that tells me that there is a baby in there.  One line that tells me that it is time to shed a tear of fear wrapped in hope as women who have had losses will understand.  I want to try to fight the urge to fall in love right away.  I want to lose that battle just like I did every other time.  I want to start thinking about how old Gavin and Joey will be.  I want to guess what next fall will feel like.  I want to fall into a deep sleep each night because the hormones of pregnancy force my eyes closed. 

I have said it before and I'll say it again to remind myself.  This life isn't about what I want.  It is what God wants for me. 

That, my friends, is why 9 DPO is the worst.  Here's to tomorrow bringing me one step closer to doing the happy dance in my bathroom... 

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I have a running dialogue going in my head all day long.  Sometimes it is just thinking about mundane errands I have to run.  Sometimes it is deep thoughts that may one day come together as a really good blog post.  Most days if you were in my head, it would sound something like this...

Yesterday at 9:00 am:

I really need to get some groceries.  Okay.  What are we going to have for dinners this week?  Hmmm... Wait!  Ouch!  Was that a pinch near my ovary?!  Crap!  That really hurt!  I wonder if it means anything.  Last cycle I think I felt the same thing and it meant nothing.  So... Italian subs sound good.  Maybe some Sausage Sandwiches with onions and green peppers?  I have the veggies so I'll just pick up some.... Crap!  Ouch!  That pinch thing just happened again!  Brush it off.  It is nothing!  So... buns.  Get some buns.   

I pile the kids in the truck and we get on our way to the store.

Don't forget to pick up some cookie dough to bake cookies for Gavin's preschool class tomorrow.  Hmm... 20 kids.  Do I bake 2 dozen and each kid gets one or 4 dozen and each kid gets two and I get more left overs?  I don't need left overs.  I am gaining way too much weight lately.  Is that heartburn?  It hurts!  Ouch!  Totally too early for pregnancy symptoms.  I am only 6 dpo! But wow!  That is definitely heartburn!  So anyway... cookies.  Sugar or chocolate chip?  BURP Uh. Not heartburn.  Just gas.  But gas can be a symptom!  Only 6 dpo.  Stop it, Maria!  


I arrive at the store.


I'll start with the non food stuff then come back and get the cold things.  Speaking of non food stuff... maybe I should pick up a box of pregnancy tests.  I DO have the Detect5 tests at home and really don't need more.  Must say no to pee sticks...  So I should make the cookies as soon as I get home.  I should have time to crank out 4 dozen cookies before lunch right?  


I get home and unpack groceries.   

I have to pee.  I'll unpack the groceries and then go to the bathroom.  Oooh!  I get to use another Detect5 test today to test out my trigger!  So exciting!  Must get food out of car.  Focus, Maria.  Now what on Earth is the Safelight guy doing here?  He isn't supposed to be here for another hour!  I feel weird peeing when there is a stranger outside my house putting in a windshield.  I mean I am sure I could pee and come back before anyone, even the boys, noticed I was gone but I want to use that test.  I'll wait a few minutes.  Maybe he'll be done soon.  On second thought, I'll just make it snappy.  

I get the cup, the test, and head to the bathroom.  

Hold the little cup carefully.  I hate when I get pee on my hands.  Slowly... slowly... but carefully set the pee cup on the floor while I unwrap the test.  What is that sound?  Is that a truck driving bast my bathroom window (a window that has no road anywhere near it)?  Hurry, Maria!  Oh, for the love of pee sticks!  I spilled my cup of pee.  Is there enough left in the cup?  None.  CRAP!  Am I really about to cry over spilled pee?  Maybe I am pregnant.  Wash hands well and repeatedly and then bake cookies.

I start baking cookies.

The theme of the day at preschool is the number 6.  Let me get out the mini MnMs and make little "6"s on each cookie.  How cute am I?  It won't even matter that the dough is coming out of a tub of pre made dough!  I mean, I am going with the theme of the day!  Why is Gavin acting so weird?  ***Editing out the gross part.  Just know that Gavin got sick.  Really really sick. ***  Great.  No one wants the sick kid's mom to bring in "homemade" cookies even if they are cute and have the number of the day on them.  There goes my diet.  

I go to the grocery first thing in the morning to buy pretzels and raisins and take them to the preschool and tell them that Gavin won't be coming despite his begging, pleading, and promises to not get sick anymore. 

Oh my goodness!  Am I getting teary eyed?  Seriously?!  I think I am crying about Gavin not coming to preschool today.  They have to think I am crazy!  I am a nut job!  Can I casually wipe my eyes without a tear falling or will they notice?  Deep breath.  No one can tell.  I'm sure they think I must have allergies because no grown woman would cry over this... unless... I am pregnant!  Maybe I am pregnant and I will be able to share with them 3 months from now that I am pregnant and THAT was why I was a basket case over a stupid snack day and a stomach bug!  Wouldn't that be nice?!  Now focus and get your weepy butt out of here before the other moms notice. 


Am I alone?  Do you talk to yourself too?  Would you cry over spilled pee and 4 dozen chocolate chip cookies with "6"s on them? 

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On Wednesday, I will be 6 days past ovulation which means I get to use another Detect5 test to see if my trigger shot is gone yet.  I am hopeful that it is almost gone so we can hopefully see if these tests work in the other, more positive direction!