So, really, 37 weeks.  I find myself looking down at my belly and recalling how I thought that this would never happen. Here I am in the final stretch of a pregnancy that, for lack of better words, has been uneventful.  Just strange really.

So, I know that as a "infertile" it is taboo to ever complain about pregnancy because after all, we spent years and dollars to get here so enjoy it, for cryin' out loud!  Whenever someone has asked me how I am feeling, I always seem to respond with, "I can't complain!" not because I can't but because the inner infertile in me won't let me.  But, since this is my safe place... here it comes.  Just a little bit of complaining...

I am ready to have this baby boy.  I never understood it before when people would be begging for their baby to arrive because they were uncomfortable.  Well, yeah.  I get it now.  I am uncomfortable.  My hips hurt.  My back has knots in it that hurt when I am not even moving.  My inner thighs hurt like I have been schooling Suzanne Somers on how to really use a thigh master.  I think I may have strained a stomach muscle merely by moving.  I hate that turning from my right side to my left at night requires a 8 point turn.  I am tired of peeing my pants when I laugh too hard, sneeze, cough, stand up, think about peeing, etc.  I am just ready.

Okay.. It is out there.  Pregnancy isn't always sunshine and roses.  But, when asked, I will continue to say, "I can't complain!"

Really?  35 Weeks?  It shouldn't come as any big surprise but we will be welcoming a new human into our family in as few as 5 weeks... or even less.  That is crazy.  It really is.  Up until this week there was zero evidence that a baby would be coming into this house.  Not a single thing ready.  No nursery (planning on co-sleeping until baby sleeps through the night).  No baby clothes washed or ready.  Not a lick of baby gear outside of the few things stashed in the attic.  I have created a short "registry" on amazon only because I knew that there would be things that I would likely be ordering from there anyway so why not register and use the registry completion coupon that should be arriving soon. 

Then, last week I went on a fun play date.  She gave me a very thoughtful gift of clothes complete with a big box of diapers and wipes too!  I brought the stuff home and that is when it became real.  No matter how long I try to stay in denial, there will be a new baby boy keeping me up at night and spitting up all over me.  I am excited.  I really honestly am! I guess I may as well embrace my last few weeks of managing mostly independent kids. 

This past year I made a big step in my social existence.  I actually spoke to people.  I have a lot of internal dialogue almost all the time.  This past year, I actually struck up conversations with people when my former self would have smiled shyly and nodded along to give the illusion that I was participating in a conversation.  I jumped in with both feet.  There were a few reasons but the biggest one being that I knew I was planning on homeschooling and I needed to develop friendships and relationships with people outside of my teeny tiny comfort zone.  Oddly enough, the ladies that I decided to chat with are now some of the closest friends I have.  They have helped me through this pregnancy by giving me ultrasounds (under the radar... ha!  pun not intended... or was it?), supporting me through Doug's health issues, and helping me to laugh so had that my face hurt for days.  These same ladies surprised me with a baby shower.  With a little help from my mother, they went in and bought the pack and play that I had on my registry and filled it to the brim with diapers, wipes, creams, soaps, lotions, etc.  They had food.  They had drinks.  We had so much fun.  I was overwhelmed by how amazing these ladies are and how thankful I am that I decided to crawl out of my little hole to meet them.  I just feel so blessed to have them in my life now. 

Now for the thinking out loud part of this post:

I have been having a hard time finding the energy or the motivation to blog in this little space.  I can't imagine that in a few short weeks when my life is insanely hectic and I am functioning on 5 total hours of sleep (and that may be being a optimistic if this kid is anything like Joey) that I am going to be able to put together a blog post.  I don't know.  Maybe I'll be wrong and this transition from 2 to 3 kids will go smoothly and I'll be looking for something to do while I am nursing 6 hours a day. 

I guess what I am saying is that I don't know the future of this blog.  I am not officially signing off.  I am not saying a figurative goodbye as I have promised to all of the ladies in my online groups that I will NOT give up on anyone!  I will see all of you through to the other side of IF and losses (the other side may be different things to different people) so I will still be here and I will still check my blog email.  I am sure that I will share my birth story and there may be a few waiting for labor posts as I process all of the anticipation 

Again, going with the thinking out loud thing, I have considered starting a whole new blog where I can blog completely anonymously.  I still like the idea of having a little slice of the internet where I can spit out all of my thoughts, challenges, musings.  I don't regret a single thing about this blog but I find myself needing to edit myself for one reason or another  What can I say?  I am too much of a people pleaser, I guess. I value so many of the friendships I have made through this blog and I wouldn't want to lose them. 

This is far from my last post... Just wanted to stop in and say hello and that I am still here... for now. 

  (Sorry for the lack of pictures in this post.  Pet peeve of mine but, eh.  I'm tired and lazy.) 

 Over the past few years of blogging, I have had the opportunity to get to know a number of wonderful ladies.  Megan stands out in the crowd because she has a wonderful way of sharing her belief and faith in Our Creator so eloquently that reading her blog posts always serves as inspiration.  She is human though, and has dealt with the difficult feelings and challenges that present when God takes a much loved and desired baby from us to soon.  In this post, she shares her very candid feelings and experiences with becoming a first time mother after miscarriages.  I also recommend that you check out her blog My Life as a Minister's Wife.  I promise, you will not be disappointed.  I am so blessed that God put her in my path and now, I put her in yours. 


There are some unique feelings that come with having a take home baby after you’ve battled miscarriage. To put it lightly, I wasn’t prepared.

It took my husband and I a little over two years to finally bring home a third Powell. In those two years we had three miscarriages, lots of tests, and a pregnancy that required pills and shots to make it. On October 19th at 1:04 am we got to meet our little guy.

The first surprise was that after delivery all I wanted to do was sleep. There was none of that dreamy-eyed staring at him for hours that I thought would happen. I didn’t experience this feeling of ecstasy that we finally had what we’d been longing for, like I expected. I knew I needed to try and get him to nurse, but I just wanted to sleep. I distinctly remember thinking, "I wish someone would just put him on the boob and make that happen while I sleep." Needless to say, nursing wasn't successful until after I napped.

The next surprise was that I wasn’t filled with joy at every moment of motherhood. I wasn’t enthusiastically leaping out of bed in the wee hours of the morning to feed. I still suffered from baby blues. I still entered a zombie-like sleep deprivation state. I still got frustrated at poop-splosions and puke-erruptions.

I was surprised that I felt a lot of guilt for not cherishing every moment and seeing it all as a gift from God. I felt guilty for wanting a break.

The biggest surprise was grief that came in waves as I held my little boy. When I first saw him, I realized there were three little ones I did not get to see. Did they look like me or hubby? Were they boys or girls? When he cried, I wondered how their cries would have sounded. When he began to laugh, I wondered what their laughs would have sounded like. As our little guy's personality began to surface, I realized each one of those babies had a personality that I did not get to know.

Basically, it all boils down to the fact that having a baby was not what I expected. It did not immediately heal our grief. A longer journey to a take-home baby did not make me immune from the same struggles that all new moms face. Yes, I was incredibly prideful to even think for a minute that I would be “above” that. Holding a baby in my arms did not immediately make everything seem right with the world.

But, what it did do and is still doing, is serving to sanctify me further - to make me more like Christ. Becoming a mom has humbled me and caused me to repent of pride I did not even know was there. It has exposed selfishness that was deep and hidden in my heart. It has also given me an attitude of grace towards new moms. And, it is the best thing in my life right behind being a believer in Christ and being married to my man. It really is great. I love it and pray The Lord would bless us with more littles!

So, I write this to encourage moms in ALL seasons. If you are a new mom with similar feelings, repent of any pride and cut yourself some slack when things don’t go as expected. If you are an expecting mom who walked a hard road to get there, recognize there may be some pride in your heart if you are tempted to look at a new mom and think, "I won't _________." If you are in the season of waiting, as hard as it can be, show grace to new moms who may be struggling more than they are willing to admit. May we be real, humble and gracious with each other. And, may we learn from each other and be sanctified in the process.

I am now 32 weeks pregnant.  The weeks are starting to fly by and I am starting to realize that in a matter of a couple of months, we will be meeting this new little guy.  Gavin is excited but Joey is pretty much oblivious to the reality of a baby brother.  He knows there is a brother coming but I don't think he really gets it.  Aside from being excited to meet the unnamed member of the family, we are not prepared.  Baby stuff is still packed away.  No new purchases made.  I figure in the final weeks it will give me something to do rather than wait for labor. 

Doug is doing well.  He has been diagnosed with Membranous Nephropathy. The bad news is that it is another health issue and more medications.  The good news is that there is a very good chance that once treated, it will go into remission and never come back.  That is what we are praying for.  We are still waiting to hear what the treatment protocol is going to be since the medications used to treat this new issue is very hard on the liver and the doctor clearly doesn't want to mess up Doug's liver which is doing really well.  The medication that the doc wants to use to treat him is kinda on the pricey side.  And by pricey side, I mean I could buy a brand new minivan every month for the amount that this medication costs.  We are waiting to hear if insurance will cover it.... kinda doubtful but all we can do is wait and see.  Aside from all of the health concerns, he is feeling good and so are we!

Life was just sailing along there for the last 6 months.  I was feeling good.  Doug was feeling good.  Kids were healthy.  Then, out of the blue, I noticed that when Doug took off his socks that the imprint was still there and it was obvious.  I pointed it out and we shared a giggle about how funny it looked.  Then, I thought about it for a minute.  A few weeks prior, a friend in a facebook pregnancy group has posted a picture of how she was very swollen and how if she pushed on he ankles, it would stay depressed.  So out of curiosity, I pushed on Doug's ankle and my thumb print stayed... and stayed... and stayed.  It really is a creepy thing to see.  I convinced Doug (with little convincing needed- remember it is creepy) to call the doctor in the morning.  She had him come in, ran some tests, started him on a diuretic, and sent him home.  After the results of the tests came back normal and his liver enzyme numbers were still perfect, she was convinced it was just another awful side effect of his medications.  That was about 2 months ago. 

Last week Doug had a check up with the GI doctor.  Doug and I both were very hopeful that since his liver was still doing great that he might be able to eliminate at least one of the meds and thus eliminate the swelling issue that was persisting despite the water pills.  As it turns out, things aren't looking good.  We don't know what is going on just yet and we are praying that is is something simple and easy to fix.  His liver does still look great but he has low Albumin in his blood and is spilling protein in his urine which often means something is not working right in the kidney department. 

We are still in the midst of tests and trying to figure out what is causing these things.  We appreciate any prayers as we get to the bottom of this. 

In pregnancy news, I am fine.  Officially in the 3rd trimester and everything has been uneventful.  Considering what has just been set upon our plates, I couldn't be more thankful for this. 

Since finding out that we are expecting another little boy, we have been asked countless times if we have picked a name.  Everyone has their own "thing" for picking names and ours hasn't been consistent.  With Gavin, we named him within moments of finding out he was a boy.  We called him by his name ever since.  To be honest, there wasn't any real reason for his name other than Doug and I both loved it. 

With Joey, it was a little more involved.  Maybe it was because we had to work so hard and deal with so many losses, that he deserved a name with a little more thought.  We talked about various names but just couldn't agree.  Doug really liked the name Garrett and while I liked it, I am not a huge fan of having two G names and that setting a precedent for any future children to be G's as well.  So, one date night we got on the topic of Doug's brother, now deceased due to a tragic accident.  He passed long before I was in the picture so I was just curious to know more about him.  As we talked and I could hear how close Doug was to his brother, it just seemed to make sense.  I liked the name Joseph and now it had meaning.  So after asking permission from my mother-in-law, he was named.  But, outside of the three of us (and maybe more if MIL spilled the beans) no one knew what his name would be.  Doug and I had slipped up a few times while I was pregnant and called him by name.  Gavin, who never misses ANYTHING, started saying the name.  For fear that he would spread the word, we started joking around and calling the baby Guido.  As a joke, he is occasionally called Joey Guido. 

This time we are going a whole new route and I am really enjoying it!  We are making a list of names that we like.  There will be probably 4-5 names that Doug and I both agree on and then, when we meet him for the first time and share those hours nursing and getting to know one another, we will pick a name.  No one ever said that a baby has to have a name in the first minutes of life.  Just another reason to be eager to meet this little fella!  In my opinion, it is very important not to share any of the names we are considering.  Frankly, I don't want anyone's opinions coloring our decision.  The names are all pretty traditional, but people still like to throw in their two cents and I don't want all of that loose change. 

It is so hard to believe that baby will be here in less than 100 days!!  Double digits now!

I do have some posts in the works about some things like teens and abstinence and another on how the media and main stream television has helped us to think of our children as little adults and somehow we are okay with this.  But... those posts require thought, energy and my attention, all of which I am still trying to locate.  Soon though!  Hopefully before baby shows up!